TRUE FRIENDSHIP - HOW ARE YOURS?

"Our lives are too cluttered.We have gadgets, clothes, books, mementos, and possessions of all kinds. We are also chaotically cluttered with bad habits and pursuits that really don't amount to anything important in the larger scheme of things. The so-called hallmarks of the modern busy life are not all they are cracked up to be. If anything, they conspire to fill up every inch of our space and the moments of every day with meaningless detractions that divert us from the things that really matter. And I am as guilty as anyone.
Sometimes it takes a life tragedy to push us back on to the right tracks of our lives. To me, it happened thirteen years ago when my son-in-law, Richard, father of two of my grandsons, had his young life tragically cut short. A schoolteacher, he was driving to work when a crate fell off a truck in front of him. He swerved to miss the crate but lost control of the car and it plunged over the edge of the freeway, ending his life.
What a painful time it was for all of us. I grieved for Richard. I grieved for my daughter, widowed at age thirty-four. I grieved for my two young grandsons, who had been robbed of years of fun with a dad they loved. ..
But at the same time, something profound happened deep inside me. I was preoccupied with things like my career and wanting to be more successful as a writer. I focused on what I didn't have and wanted and what I did have but regretted. All told, I was certainly not a contented person. ... life itself had become a little too complicated for my own good. ...
Standing at Richard's graveside, two realizations overwhelmed me. First, life is short and unpredictable. ... Second, when death strikes unexpectedly, all the clutter and accumulations of your life don't amount to a hill of beans. Death screams loud and clear, 'Get your priorities right, my friend, if you want to live a contented life!'
From that moment on, I have had a profound feeling that there is very little on this earth that really matters besides the relationships we have with one another. And what do we have to do in order to extract meaningful pleasure from our existence? I am convinced it is quite simple : make space for the things that really matter. "
THRILLED TO DEATH : Dr Archibald Hart.
A couple of weeks ago I put up a collection of quotes from this book. There are many aspects to the book, all worth discussing, but the message Hart gives here is perfect for this week. 
I know of friends currently struggling with the death of loved and the occupying thoughts of that time in one's life are significant and unforgettable.
Around this time many years ago I became a widow at age 24. I had no children and I had plenty of time to prepare for my husband's death, so I was very privileged. Regardless, I line myself up with Archibald's comments above - the questioning of what am I doing/putting my time into/aiming for... were natural to me too.
When a close person in your life dies, you suddenly become aware of the the importance of that one. All manner of things everyday are 'missing' now. A relationship has stopped in mid-flow. 
At that time for me, people who had up until then, been at a distance, were now brought in closer. Many of my great friends were willing to become dearer and closer to me, and some people who I hardly knew made themselves available to me in friendship. This really helped me to start to sort out my life and begin again.
MAKE SPACE FOR FRIENDSHIP
Further along in his book, Archibald gives 6 things he believes we need to make room for in our lives. I wish to only talk about 1 in this post - Friendship. 
Hart discusses the increasing choice people today are making to "become loners". He bases his comments on studies from Harvard, the University of Arizona and Duke University. Adults, teenagers and children are all showing this tendency of a choice for isolation even with those they are closest and most intimately connected to.
You can probably identify many reasons for the dramatic increase in this practice. One of course is the alarming time spent pursuing friendship or connection on line, compared to face-to-face friendship. Archibald says, "But is this really what friendships are all about? Can you cry on a blogger's shoulder? Can you find comfort in the arms of an e-mail? I can assure you that e-mail and text messaging do not have the same cathartic effect as a heart-to-heart..."
I have a wonderful friend who lives in a different country to me but this year we marked 50 years of friendship. While in New Zealand last month she visited us. We are not in each other's pocket but we both say that with each email or get together physically, we literally pick up where we left off. I feel totally natural with her and she with me. Even knowing personality pitfalls, and having neglected each other at times, doesn't stop our friendship.
WHAT DOES A TRUE FRIENDSHIP LOOK LIKE?
We may have a great friendship with a person we chose to become friends with, but we can have equally deep friendships with people who happened across our path.
People look for different things in a friendship. Similar interests, things they have in common such as a sense of humour or both riding a motor bike. But true friendship, the kind that will last all your life doesn't hold on to these things alone. 
A true friendship 
    ~ is loyal
    ~ is where one doesn't dominate the other
    ~ is where one does not make exclusive claim on the other
    ~ is kind
    ~ cares for and goes out of their way to help the other
Faithful and unfaithful friendship, were themes in Shakespeare's plays, and many poets and novelists of the nineteenth century. Movies from the past and present such as the Hornblower series, ET, Charlotte's Web, Finding Nemo, and the on-going Downton Abbey series, all show us friendships for the better and for the worse. 
But all the watching of movies or reading of books will have no effect if we don't make time or make room for friendships. 
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ for your own sake and the sake of your children, pursue some time catching up with an old or new friend - one you really want to be with for many years to come.
Cathy

"SLEEPLESSNESS - WHERE ARE THOSE SWEET DREAMS?"

' "Sleep deprivation negatively impacts our mood, our ability to focus, and our ability to access higher-level cognitive functions," say Dr Stuart Quan and Dr Russell Sanna, from Harvard Medical School's Division of Sleep Medicine.

"The combination of these factors is what we generally refer to as mental performance."

They also point out that lack of sleep was a "significant factor" in the Exxon Valdez wreck, the explosion of the Challenger space shuttle, and the nuclear accidents at Chernobyl and Three Mile Island. ....

And lack of sleep can have a significant effect on our inner lives as well. The Great British Sleep Survey found last year that poor sleepers are seven times morelikely to feel helpless and five times more likely to feel alone - consequences that can affect everything from our relationships to our productivity.'

THE POWER OF SLEEP: Arianna Huffington. Life & Style. New Zealand Herald News. Saturday February 16 2013. 

This article by Arianna Huffington of Huffington Press fame, is worth reading in its entirety. It appeared last weekend in our weekend Herald.
I can just hear my Mum saying her version of the opening sentence, to my sisters and myself, when we were teenagers and "burning the candle at both ends". But something has changed since then. Attitudes to sleep have shifted. Sleep was once seen as normal and essential, but it is almost put-off or postponed, given-in to only when one is exhausted or sick and must lay their head down.

"In the early nineteenth century and prior, something called the second sleep was highly valued. Second sleep, also called beauty sleep in a time when people went to bed early, refers to the early hours of the morning when one usually sleeps much more lightly. During a period of wakefulness before the second sleep, people would meditate, and take in the good, quiet things of life. Usually lasting about an hour, this was a time of day that was highly prized.

Then we invented the electric light and prolonged the daylight. People went to bed later and so-called second sleep became history. People go to bed so late now that they don't get enough sleep in general, let alone have the luxury of some beauty sleep." Thrilled to Death : Dr Archibald Hart. p 211.
We all can easily identify "Sleep deprivation's negative impact" on our children, even if we don't admit to its effect in our own lives. There's grumpiness, complaining, the inability to control one's temper, babyish or regression in behaviour, non-communication..... not that a full night's sleep totally solves these behaviours, but more sleep certainly helps.

In Hoffington's article, she quotes Professor Anne-Marie Slaughter's article in The Atlantic magazine, about high powered workers' "time macho" image, "a rentless competition to work harder, stay later, pull more allnighters...". But this is not only practiced by the professionals. It is also paraded, like evidence of 'maturity' or 'coolness' by teens and people in their twenties. Their 'occupations' during these hours, are not usually work related, but tend to be screen controlled, technology cruising or smart device multitasking. This busyness of moving from one thing to the next, could be thought of as giving one a break or a rest. But is that what is actually happening? "At the same time, change of occupation is not rest; if a man ply a machine, now with his foot, and now with his hand, the foot or the hand rests, but the man does not." Parents and Children : Charlotte Mason, p 78.
People are human, not machines, and we all need rest.

The confused picture about rest among growing children, teenagers and beyond, relegates sleep to a low priority in a day.
However, it doesn't need to stay that way. Hopefully as a parent you were rattled reading the bulk of the quote above. In a nutshell, a habit of lack of sleep leads to DISASTER.
Parents have to bring a change in how we arrange the family hours before children sleep.
Just as we understand the importance of a routine in eating - breakfast, lunch, dinner - children need a sleep routine also. Without such a routine not only will children's health, growth and emotions be affected, but a faulty pattern for life will be set up.
I am not by nature a routine person, but the more children we had I came to see we simply had to get some system for some things to actually happen. Sleep was one such thing. This is the system we devised ~
We tried to get the little kids to bed by 7:30pm - at first this was an impossible feat, but once we had the system working, subsequent kids just slotted in. If they went to bed before 7:30 it made teatime and clean up a rush, and then they woke up too early for me to regularly cope with such an early start - Mmmmmm. If they went to bed later, the following morning the kids were hard to drag out of bed. A negative attitude is a bad way to start a new day.
From age 9 on things changed ~
9years - bed at 8pm
11years - bed at 8:15pm
13years - bed at 8:45pm
15years - bed at 9:15pm
16years - bedtime became open - usually because school demands became too much to maintain a specific time. We also considered that by then we had established some order/priority for sleep, and now it was over to them. For some of our kids doing long hours of sport training into the evening, we had to literally grab the planned time to go to bed on the nights they had off.
The issue of homework controlling a child's evening is an issue for the future.
Some children get off to sleep easily while others have extreme difficulties. I think a routine of when bedtime IS, is a start in helping change this. It's a plan, so you are working towards something, rather than living totally at random. There are several things you can do preceding sleep which will also prepare a child to sleep.
 1. Slow down life 30minutes before bedtime, e.g.. 
     ~ Turn off the TV, computer.
     ~ Turn off the lights and turn on the lamps. 
     ~ Turn off challenging music and turn on music that calms or have no music at all.
     ~ Generally slow and quieten down the end of the evening.
     ~ For older children and adults, right before hopping into bed, take slow deep breaths while you slowly stretch your arms up above your head, then slowly lower them down to touch your toes, then up again... 5 times.
     ~ Finish the day off in a happy frame with each child - read a little bit from their favourite book, give them a cuddle, pray with them, massage them...
2. Have a routine of what happens at the end the day before bed, e.g..
     ~ Have a bath, take a shower, wash the face and dirty feet. Washing the body just before bed I think is a real weapon to bring on sleep - but don't make water temperature too hot.
     ~ Clean teeth, brush hair - this is another one I personally love because it relaxes me, feels like a head massage. 
These simple things cause children to anticipate bedtime and prepare for sleep.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ spend some time thinking on how you can improve your family time before the kids go to bed. Ask your kids what they would like to do just before they go to bed tonight. If their ideas are definitely not sleep inducers, then do them with the kids on the weekend instead.
Cathy

"PLEASURELESSNESS - THE NEW REPLACEMENT FOR DEPRESSION"

Over the summer I read this fantastic book. THRILLED TO DEATH : DR ARCHIBALD D. HART. This week I'm putting up some quotes from the first section of the book, in the hope of winning you over to go read it. I intend to refer and comment on more from the book in the future, but due to lack of time to think at the moment, some quotes are better than nothing. 
"Despite having more sources of pleasure than ever before in history, we are probably the unhappiest people who have ever lived." p23
"I am convinced that a lot of this pleasure loss is the result of over stress and overdependence on high stimulation." p22
"We are increasingly seeing a different kind of depression where the dominant symptom is not sadness but pleasurelessness." p27
"Many teenagers and even young children today cannot tolerate doing nothing for more than thirty seconds, max - then they demand more stimulation." p28
"The addictive  process that drives our world today not only robs us of pleasure but also takes away the energy we need to pursue things that can bring meaningful enjoyment." p32
"You can only be really happy if you preserve the function of you pleasure  system." p41
"True happiness is more enduring than pleasure." p46
"Real, deep and abiding happiness doesn't come from the excitement of life but from the simple joys of plain living. And this is where unhappy people usually miss the boat." p53
"When you become content with ordinary feelings, you will find that they are more beautiful and far more satisfying than thrill-loaded experiences." p54
"People desperately want reassurance that their hectic life is ok .... They push for help on how to live with their stress ... how they can increase their tolerance for it." p59
"Unless we as a society, learn to slow down, examine our values, change our hectic lifestyles, we will continue to suffer from Cardiovascular disease..... Further we will pass these traits and poor coping skills on to our children." p62
"When stress becomes persistent... - our stress hormones change their focus and shift from helping us cope with our stress to protecting us from self destruction." p66
".... our modern technology, has reduced the availability of recovery time. Every system in the body needs rest.... With enough rest these systems serve us well. But without adequate recovery time, they fail us because we are pushing them outside their normal limits." p68
"Kids today, aided and abetted by parents, as well as by the media and our culture, are slowly moving toward a pleasureless existence." p73
The final chapter in part 1 deals with our loss of pleasure sexually - excellent chapter. Then part 2 of the book is called Seven Steps to Recovering Your Pleasure. 
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ "Children should be given space to explore many interests. Families should eat together, play together and hike together and you should create a panoply of family traditions that will reside in their memory and be the source of much pleasure later in life when they recall those happy times together." p79
Cathy

"COMPETITIVENESS - READY, SET, GO!!"

                                               everymantri.com
"Let me clarify that I'm not writing against friendly competition but against the competitive spirit that always has to win or be the best. Actually, I believe that healthy competition is good,especially for children and high schoolers, as it can provide an arena in which they can seek to do their best. And this kind of competition is not limited to sport. There is competition at science fairs or among bands or at spelling bees. But in whatever competition, the question the child or teenager and their parents should ask is not "Did we win?" but "Did we do our best?"
You can see now that there is a close relationship between envy, jealousy and competitiveness. We tend to envy a peer who is ahead of us in an area we value highly. We become jealous of a person who is over taking us. And both of these foster a competitive spirit that says, "I must always win or be number one." All of these attitudes are the result of ungodly selfishness, of thinking only of ourselves." RESPECTABLE SINS: Jerry Bridges page 154 - 155.
A person may think this last sentence is extreme or far fetched, but if you are aware of the Lance Armstrong story, you probably found this sentence to be totally on target. This quote describes the process that Armstrong must have gone through, to be now named as  "the biggest liar in world sport" by Simon Plumb, Sunday Star Times, or "this man, who must win at all costs .... He's a bully, a liar, a cheat, a man who is prepared to ruin lives, including his own perhaps, as long as he ends up on top." by Michael Donaldson, Deputy Editor, Sunday Star Times, January 20, 2013.
The Sunday Star Times account of "The Damage Done" by Armstrong's style of competitiveness, financially, comes to over 20 million dollars which he now has to repay. Irreparable damage has been done to friendships, with close friends having been "targeted by (Armstrong with) savage, and expensive, personal attacks." This includes Mike Anderson who was his mechanic and personal assistant and friend of nearly 20 years.
Lastly there's the damage to the sport of cycling itself. It's reputation is tarnished for now, with talk of it being dropped from the Olympics.
The disturbing thing however is that Armstrong believes that a public confession is sufficient, after which one can return to business somewhat as before, as he is now training for World Ironman events, hoping that his lifetime ban from cycling can be reduced.
I think the Lance Armstrong story is extremely sad, but it serves as a warning and evidence of the corruption that can come from the wrong mindset to competition.
Most areas of sport are full of this style of self-centred competition from amateur  to professional levels. As a family, we have and continue to experience it.  
And right now, as I type, I have heard on our TV news that this afternoon in Australia it has been announced that Australian sport across many sporting codes, have been involved in a huge doping scandal. Players, coaches and doctors have be said to be involved along with money from the criminal underworld paying for games to be rigged. It's being named Australian sport's blackest day. Of course, we need to ask is this going on also in our own 'backyard'? 
Such disaster - all from a "competitive spirit that always has to win or be the best."
Getting away from the doping issue and back to competitiveness - does this all relate to US? It certainly does! What are we saying and living out for our children to see and pick up, in the area of competitiveness?
As well as sports people taking drugs so they have that advantage, there are other dark and subtle shades to unhealthy competitiveness also. One such shadow is greed for gain, the desire to get or keep something for oneself - these words are in the dictionary's definition for the word "avarice". Or another one, which seems to be ignored today, even though it rages everywhere, is the problem of self-conceit, having an excessively high opinion of oneself. This may be accompanied with a craving for admiration. The dictionary calls this "Pride" and "Vanity".
When we speak about this type of thing in conversation, we tend to give it the soft title of "arrogance", and only direct it at someone else. We fail to see any of it in ourselves. As a parent, I suffer with these problem attitudes. We need the Lance Armstrong story to shake us up.
As Charlotte Mason says, the evilness is not in the sport, activity or competition itself, rather it is in the competitive attitude, the "ugly qualities of human nature" which we as parents have a choice to pickup and practice or step aside from and discourage. She says "...the time has come for the  thoughtful parent to examine them self and see whether or no it be their duty to make a stand against competitiveness." Parents and Children: Charlotte Mason.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ Why don't you talk with your kids about this man, Lance Armstrong, and then work out how your family can approach the competition you're involved in, to make it 'friendly competition' of 'healthy competition'.
Cathy

"LOOKING BACK ON 2012" WEEK 115 QUOTE 115

Click on this link "LOOKING BACK ON 2012" , scroll down to the screen with "2012 highlights", click on the arrow, and spend the next few minutes relaxing and smiling, watching the amazing places that a couple, Eric and Amaya have travelled through on bike, in 2012. This year they have travelled 20,000ks, through 11 countries, beginning in China and ending in New Zealand in the South Island. These two have the ambition to travel through every country of the world and have be travelling since 2006!
What an inspiration to end the year with.
This year on my blog THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS, has been filled with series - 6 of them.
The 1st most visited series was, "SOME PLANS FOR SIMPLIFYING HOUSEHOLD JOBS" 
  ~ "Washing/Laundry" Week 70 Quote 70
  ~ "Cleaning" Week 73 Quote 73
  ~ "Cooking" Week 74 Quote 74
  ~ "De Junking" Week 75 Quote 75
  ~ "Shopping" Week 77 Quote 77
The 2nd most popular series was "BECOMING A MUM VIA AN ALTERNATE ROUTE"
  ~ "Infertility" Week 78 Quote 78
  ~ "Adoption" Week 79 Quote 79
  ~ "C-section" Week 84 Quote 84
  ~ "Stillbirth" Week 85 Quote 85
  ~ "Miscarriage" Week 86 Quote 86
The 3rd series most viewed was the series on "READING". It was inspired by Australia's Year of Reading.
  ~ "Why Do We Need to Read?" Part1 Week 92 Quote 92
  ~ "Why Do We Need to Read?" Part2 Week 95 Quote 95
  ~ "A Case for Reading Books in the Arts" Week 100 Quote 100
  ~ "A Case for Reading Classical Literature" Week 101 Quote 101
  ~ "A Case for Reading Contemporary Literature" Week 103 Quote 103
  ~ "A Case for Reading Plays" Week 104 Quote 104
  ~ "A Case for Reading Poetry" Week 105 Quote 105
  ~ "A Case for Reading Biographies" Week 107 Quote 107
  ~ "A Case for Reading Science" Week 108 Quote 108
  ~ "A Case for Reading History" Week 109 Quote 109
The 4th series was on cooking "HEALTHY EATING" which changed its name mid-year to "EAT ECONOMICAL, HEALTHY, TASTY AND SEASONAL"
  ~ February Week 72 Quote 72 
  ~ April Week 76 Quote 76 
  ~ May Week 82 Quote 82
  ~ June Week 89 Quote 89
  ~ July Week 94 Quote 94
  ~ August Week 97 Quote 97
  ~ September Week 102 Quote 102
  ~ November Week 110 Quote 110
The 5th series was "PARENTS TEACH RESPECT BY -"
  ~ "Their Example" Week 87 Quote 87
  ~ "Training" Week 88 Quote 88
  ~ "How We Live" Week 90 Quote 90
and the 6th series was "LIVING WELL THROUGH THE SUMMER -"
  ~ For Parents Week 113 Quote 113
  ~ For Children and Teenagers Week 114 Quote 114
The 3 most visited posts from 2012 were ~
  ~ "Stillbirth" Week 85 Quote 85 in the series "BECOMING A MUM VIA AN ALTERNATE ROUTE"
  ~ "Cleaning" Week 73 Quote 73 in the series "SOME PLANS TO SIMPLIFY HOUSEHOLD JOBS"
  ~ "Happy Mothers Day" Week 83 Quote 83
So far the most popular posts overall are ~
  ~ "Parenting a Special Needs Child" Week 41 Quote 41.This post remains the most popular two years running.
  ~ "How Can We Celebrate a Happy Family Christmas - With Teenagers?" Week 64 Quote 64
  ~ "Deciding What Colour to Paint a Child's Room" Week 48 Quote48
Posts I enjoyed writing or putting together were ~ 
  ~ "Are You Busy?" Week 96 Quote 96 which was the quickest post I put up as nothing much was needed to be added.
  ~ "Justice" Week 93 Quote 93 and 
  ~ "How Great are Your Ideas?" Week 91 Quote 91. I probably had the most satisfaction while preparing these 2 posts, because when I went back to Charlotte Mason's writings, her thoughts explained and confirmed what I had already been drawn to from others' writings.
Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!  
I will be taking a break from blogging until February.
My hope in 2013 is to look out for opportunities to personally be inspired and to continue to inspire my kids.
Cathy

"LIVING WELL THROUGH THE SUMMER FOR CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS" WEEK 114 QUOTE 114

"My mother regularly chased her children outdoors. I think we were outdoors more than we were indoors when school was let out for the year. (This was one way she kept her house clean and tidy, I think) ... We ran from backyard to backyard. There were no fences to separate us - only a few shrubs and trees. We sang and swung on each others squeaky swing sets.... How different it has been for my children in the neighbourhoods where we have lived ... Why did the neighbourhoods our family lived in seem so lifeless, the children so unimaginative and rude - or worse, profane? ... Sorrowful thoughts come to my mind when I think about how easily bored, and preoccupied with promiscuity, so many American children are today."
POCKET OF PINECONES : Karen Andreola.
Here in New Zealand the year's routine of school, sport and cultural activities has ended until early February next year. For many children and teenagers, there are weeks ahead with not a lot to do. For some the computer or screen will be their closest companion. Others will virtually live at the mall. Bored young children will moan, whine and whinge. 
To you, this may be normal - just how 'it is'! Maybe you think this is crazy, a wasted opportunity to enjoy summer or do something worthwhile. Maybe you think the solution is to fill each day of the holidays with activities to keep everyone busy.
In my family, some summers have flowed easily and well, while others have not.
Recently I read "The children are respected and accepted as valid persons. But they are not left on the island of their own limited resources. Through careful choice, they are nourished with the best we human beings have to offer : mind is introduced to mind, child to nature and activities." For the Children's Sake: Susan Schaeffer Macaulay.
From another book, I read, "Amusements may be, and ought to be, such as will aid in developing and upbuilding a child's manliness or womanliness." The author went on to say that what little children play with and play at can train their eye, ear, hand, voice and movement skills. "And a child may be helped for life by the character which was developed in him in his boyhood's games of skill. It was an illustration of this principle, when the Duke of Wellington pointed to the playground of Eton, and said, 'It was there that the battle of Waterloo was won.' .... The amusements of children will tend to the gain or to the loss of the children." Hints on Child Training: H Clay Trumbull.
These quotes point to the fact that summer holidays  are part of the year-round growing and development of character, in a child and teenager's life. This is an opportunity for them to learn, not just how to have a great summer, but to learn lessons or skills which will benefit them in the future.
The possibilities of how you bring these ideal into summer holidays, are limitless.
Here are 3 suggestions ~
1. A CHILD'S MIND NEEDS FEEDING WITH IDEAS.
I wrote about kids of all ages needing to grow up with great ideas in "HOW GREAT ARE YOUR IDEAS" WEEK 91 QUOTE 91.
"An idea is more than an image or a picture ... implant an idea in the child's mind, and it will secrete its own food, grow and bear fruit in the form of a succession of kindred ideas." Home Education: Charlotte Mason. Depending on the ideas our children and teenagers feed on or come in contact with, they will grow minds which will be similarly directed.
The minds of children can easily be fed great ideas through reading 'living' books. Charlotte Mason coined the term 'living' books by saying they are books which open a window onto the world. They can be fictional or historical stories of people which give a view into human nature and experiences. Or books about "places, events, processes, causes and effects" Books Children Love: Elizabeth Wilson.
Use the local library to find such books. Read just 30 minutes a day to little children over the summer and feed their minds with great ideas.
Older children can read the books themselves, or you can choose to read to them as well. 
Through the holidays you can watch movies that fall into this category of 'living'. This is especially appropriate with teenagers. Some movies you could start with are -
"The Ultimate Gift", "The Help", "Abraham Lincoln", "The Lady", "Lions for Lambs", "Chariots of Fire". 
2. A CHILD NEEDS PRACTICE AT GIVING HELP.
"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
  All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy."
Giving help or giving service to other people is a theme found today in many books and movies for all ages. We have super heroes risking all to save and help others, the wealthy philanthropists of the world giving huge amounts of money to needy situations. But sadly it has not translated into the average person in our societies, practicing this trait of giving help to people around them on a regular, normal basis.
Bob Schultz in Practical Happiness, says we can start by looking at what we have an abundance of, e.g., an over productive vegetable garden or fruit tree. Give some away to neighbours in need. He also makes the connection between giving and happiness. "I'm writing this chapter because I've watched many unhappy men. They've spent years trying to gain money, possessions and fame for themselves, never realising that happiness walks with givers, not getters. Therefore, I challenge you. Look around at your abundance. What do you have that's more than you need?"
As well as happiness there are other traits that develop in our kids when they give help to others. Selflessness, thinking of others before themselves, and maturity which comes as a result of personally going without to the benefit of another.
To give help to another involves forgetting or denying yourself. So there's a struggle, which involves both a child's will and the training of a habit. A will can't be controlled but a child's conscience, which is trained by the ideas their mind feeds on, can spur on the will.  The training of a habit to help or serve people, needs "the support of constant supervision, but by degrees, he is left to do the thing he ought of his own accord." This habit. like others to do with kindness and courtesy, are in the area of self-discipline, so each person must take charge of it eventually for themselves. As Charlotte Mason says a habit is not fully formed if supervision is necessary. School Education:  Charlotte Mason.
The habit of giving help to others can be trained with simple actions such as opening the door of the fridge or car when another has full arms. Helping unload the shopping from the car. 
Older children and teenagers can be asked to help with household jobs - mowing, taking out the garbage, washing, cleaning... If needs be, parents may have to happily continue assisting all aged children with their helping task, until their self discipline takes control of it for themselves.
I believe learning to give help MUST start and be trained at home, in the common, everyday happenings of life, not at school or work where they receive pay or commendation for it.
"A soul occupied with great ideas best performs small duties." H Martineau.
"Do you wish to be great? Then begin by being little. Do you desire to construct a vast lofty fabric? Think first about the foundations of humility. The higher your structure is to be, the deeper must be its foundations. Modesty humility is beauty's crown." Augustine.
By practicing giving a helping hand daily through the holidays, children are trained to be alert to how they can give help to people all year-round.
3. A CHILD NEEDS CHALLENGES.
I wrote about parents needing to set challenges for themselves, in the last post. LIVING WELL THROUGH THE SUMMER : FOR PARENTS - point 2.
It is similar for children and teenagers, they need stretching into areas which are difficult or uncomfortable to them, all through their growing years. Maturity, an accurate self esteem and contentment, are some of the attributes which come to a person who allows himself to work through challenges. Again, look at my post on Jessica Watson Week 9 Quote 9
Your job as a parent is to listen out and watch your kids to help them find what would be a challenge for them, then encourage them to pursue it. This is better than a parent thinking up 'projects' for their kids. Again read the post I wrote on Arianna Stasinopoulos Week 8 Quote 8 to get some ideas on how a parent can do this. Challenges are not optional, like choosing to send your child on an Outward Bound extreme camp. Your children and teenagers must regularly deal with challenges, otherwise they will end up being "a mere toy" as the rhyme above describes it. A movie to watch in this area is "The Ultimate Gift".
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ have a GREAT summer with your kids. Enjoy your kids and love them by investing time in training them in these 3 simple ways.
Cathy

"LIVING WELL THROUGH THIS SUMMER : FOR PARENTS" WEEK 113 QUOTE 113

"Recreation is not being idle : it is easing the wearied part by change of occupation."
William Shakespeare.
We usually think of summer as a chance to get out of routine, to relax, be refreshed, revived and invigorated.
To BE REFRESHED this summer we need to change our "occupation" - change what we are doing.
Charles Simmons, and American of the 19th century, gave us more help when he said, "To recreate strength, rest. To recreate mind, repose (be motionless). To recreate cheerfulness, hope in God, or change the object of your attention to one more elevated and worthy of thought." NOTE: Simmons did not suggest farm out the kids, take yourself off for me time, go do that something you've always wanted to do for yourself. These things could help but they need to be put alongside actions which give REST, our BEING MOTIONLESS, and THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING WORTH THINKING ABOUT. 
So how do you do this?
1. I'm suggesting we start with a SIMPLE METHOD OF USING THE 5 SENSES God made us with - our Eyes, Ears, Nose, Mouth and Feel or Touch.
NOSE -

(A) The Hospital Sign - a couple of years ago when I was in hospital, there was a sign on the wall of the room which said, "Take 5 deep breaths every 5 minutes to help deal with your pain" - as well as helping with pain it relaxes you, brings blood pressure down and chases away gloominess. Breath in deeply and slowly, hold your breath for a moment then slowly breath out. Try it now.

(B) Smell the fragrances of the flowers, leaves, trees, bark, bush, ocean, seaweed, sea breeze, air just before rain... This is not freaky or earthy, it's normal and was a common routine a couple of generations back. Take the time to do it today.

(C) Burn incense or aromatherapy candles.

EYES -

(A) You need 5 minutes - sit down outside at the beach, in the bush, a garden... and take your time to look, moving your eyes slowly, stopping to study things that interest you (not the bikini teenagers). It helps to be still and quiet.

(B) You need 5 minutes - again sit down outside after finding a natural object - a leaf, rock, feather, flower, shell, seed pod, critter... Take your time to look closely at the detail of the object.

(C) You need 5 minutes - find something outside that has negative space (if you hold up your hand with your fingers apart, the space in between your fingers is negative space) - e.g.. the branch of a tree, a spider's web, shadows on the ground, seaweed on rocks. Focus on the patterns you find in the negative space. Be still and quiet.

EARS -

(A) Listen to the sound of moving water - waves rolling on the beach/rocks, water trickling in a fountain, pouring into a glass, in a shower, going down the drain... It helps if you close your eyes. I love listening to water and think it is very relaxing.

(B) Stop and listen to the singing and sounds of birds - at the beach, early morning, end of the day - birds often congregate in trees at sunset. This is my husband's favourite. He says it brings back childhood memories of watching dawn from the farm cowshed.

(C) Listen carefully to your favourite music with earbuds if necessary, or listen carefully to your own voice as you sing.

MOUTH -

(A) Savour the tastes you love in food and drink. Why do you love them - focus on their texture-the smoothness of the chocolate, the fizziness of the sprite or champagne, the chewiness of the chiabata bread, crunchiness of the fresh snappy biscuit..

(B) Take up smiling - when you drive, do the dishes, take a shower, and do the jobs you really don't like. This simple habit does relax you, brings down blood pressure and draws good old-age lines on your face.

(C) Practice kissing...

FEEL or TOUCH -

(A) Self massage your hands, feet, leg or arm muscles, your forehead, ears and into your hair on your head.

(B) Close your eyes and use a leaf or fern to soft stroke your face, arms or legs.

(C) In a pool or the sea with no surf, float for a few minutes, be motionless. OR lie down on the ground under a tree, closing your eyes and thinking about how you feel. In winter you can do a similar thing by wrapping up in warm clothes, hoodies, scarves, jackets and lie down on outdoor furniture, or on the sand at the beach, or inside on a couch, doing nothing else but thinking about how you feel. 

WAYS TO PRACTICE THIS METHOD - 

Explore one of the 5 senses each day of the week - Monday-Nose, Tuesday-Eyes, Wednesday-Ears ... through to Friday. OR Pick one eg of relaxing and continue practicing it all week - e.g. this week deep slow breathing, next week listening to bird songs....

The point is to not just do it once and forget it, keep going back to your one relaxing choice throughout the day, so you keep relaxing yourself.

2. The daring choice of SETTING YOURSELF A CHALLENGE, daily or weekly. No, being a mum or dad is not the sort of challenge I'm meaning. To take up a challenge involves a contest, a trial or difficult task as in the past when challenges were issued to joust or duel. It was serious and life-threatening. I'm not encouraging you to go to this extent. The point is we need to be stretched or challenged in our "recreation", as Shakespeare said, "change our occupation", or as Simmons said, "change the object of our attention to one more elevated and worthy of thought." A challenge often brings this - a buzz of action, excitement, determination, energy... which refreshes us. A challenge will be different for each person.

How do you find a challenge? Often they are right there in the back of you mind or just in front of you ready to be picked up. Jessica Watson  had been dreaming about her challenge for years before she actioned it. Jessica Watson. Arianna Stasinopoulos' challenge was almost impulsive but it did take time till it came into reality. Arianna Stasinopoulos. 

One of my sisters told me she had read that it was good for everyone once they turned 40, to learn something new, every 5 years. To start from scratch, become a learner, a 'baby' again and go through the process of feeling useless, but by practice and perseverance, with lots of failures, to gradually improve and feel that excitement of developing skills. It is true.

A challenge for me this year has been in being part of a mums group which involves giving talks at times. I have never enjoyed the 'speaker' role as it's out of my comfort zone, but I'm working at it.

Another challenge last week was cutting our hedges. Normally I begin trimming them before we get into November, but I'd put-off the job, so tackled the generous summer growth in one hit. It was a physical challenge which I spread over 4 days a couple of hours per day. But as Shakespeare points out it was a change for me and yes it "eased" my "wearied parts", and slept well each night.

What challenge will you choose to tackle over summer? It must stretch you, but you need to be committed to it.

3. There's a third way you can be refreshed this summer and it's summarised in this quote.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matthew 11 : 28 - 30 The Bible.

This talks about finding true refreshment, "recovering your life", not just having a happy summer holiday. This Christmas and summer  I hope you will want to find refreshment like this, refreshment that lasts. Feel free to comment here or email me if you prefer - cathyhtac@gmail.com

"LIVING WELL THROUGH THIS SUMMER : FOR CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS" - next week.

Have a GREAT Christmas - 3 days to go!!!! and wonderful summer (you Northern Hemisphere people just have to wait for it).

Cathy