Thursday, April 19, 2012


This post, written by my friend "K", begins a series on "BECOMING A MUM VIA AN ALTERNATE ROUTE" - Part 1 "Infertility".


"Hi. I was married at 21 and had always hoped for a big family. I was crazy about children ..and especially babies. I had completed my nursing training just before getting married and all seemed sweet. As the years passed it was evident that getting pregnant was not going to be an easy matter.

It then became evident that due to my husband having mumps as an adolescent – we would not be able to have our own children. Of course we were both devastated. Many of my friends were by then having children and my dear sister who was married a year after me, seemed to be pregnant all the time. She had 6 children in 10 years!! 
I found it extremely painful to see pregnant women, babies, mum's breastfeeding their babes, to hear mothers talking about their children all the time and especially when they complained about the hardships and their lost freedom.
I was not at all interested in having someone else's child through IVF.
I just felt in my heart that it wasn’t right for us.
We both felt that we did not want to manipulate the situation - and one day regret our decision.
Many people would say most unhelpful comments like “when are you going to settle down and have some children?" !!
Dealing with these situations was very difficult at first. Sometimes we
became quite blunt and just answered “we can’t have any children of our own” and that usually shut them up! But over the years I learnt to tell myself that it was not intentional unkindness and chose to not encourage those wounds to fester. I think this works best by just not feeding the memories - choosing not to think or talk about them.
 Feed your mind instead with good stuff, happy memories
and things to be thankful for. I didn’t go around telling the whole world about our infertility. I didn't even discuss it with my family very much. I just had a couple of close friends who I knew I could trust and would talk to them when I needed their encouragement.
I kept secretly believing for a miracle and so month after month I would be hoping that God had heard my prayers and I would be pregnant..but month after month there would be disappointment and deep sorrow. There was a constant struggle for me. As a naturally sunny person (true sanguine) I didn't want to become neurotic and make others miserable because of my problems.
 I also had a strong belief that I was created with gifts and abilities that when used – not only benefited those around me but also gave me self worth and deep satisfaction. I believed that my life had a purpose and that we are not here on this earth to simply become parents. 
I decided (over a period of time) to choose daily to be content with my situation. I believed that if children were to be a part of my life then God would bring them to us (in whatever way He chose) at just the right time.
And if not...then I would make the most of whatever each day would bring. I cannot say that I succeeded all the time - but what a difference this made for my management of my emotions: choosing to be content and to be genuinely happy for others, looking for ways to use my gifts and abilities and to quietly trust God for the things that were out of my control."


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