"A daughter's relationship with her mother lays the foundation for her relationship with herself. From her mother she will either learn how to claim her life and be fully visible in all her relationships or how to silence herself, accept invisibility as a normal way of being, and believe that caring for others and not herself is a women's lot in life."
Rosjke Hasseldine : "The Emotional Crisis Between Mothers and Daughters"
This is PART 2 of WHAT DO DAUGHTERS NEED FROM THEIR MOTHER?
2. BE A POSITIVE EXAMPLE ~
A. Be a Positive Example ~ Girls Thrive When Mums Thrive.
(I) Mind Attitude.
With the glut of varied worldwide opinion on what a "mother" is supposed to be, a high proportion of mums today feel failures, guilty, have no idea of what they are meant to be, and want the experience to be short-lived, so they can move-on to do something tangible with their life.
This effects girls of all ages as they watch their mum and attempt to fathom what's ahead for them. A mum's attitude to herself affects a girl's developing self image and shapes her future attitude to herself and how she places herself in relationship to being a woman and mother of the future.
Rosjke Hasseldine's quote above, describes a style of being a mother that always puts everyone and their needs ahead of mum. I think most mums feel they wear this style of mothering at some point in their life, particularly when the children are all very young - the 'vendor machine' years. But in amongst the busy, non-stop years as a mum, we have a choice or power to "claim" our life or choose to "accept invisibility". One, as a teaching tool to our watching daughter, demonstrates a mother who is thriving. The other sad model, a mum who is not.
A THRIVING MUM WHO IS POSITIVE IN HER ATTITUDE TO BEING A MOTHER, GIVES HER DAUGHTER A GREAT GIFT AND HOPE FOR HER FUTURE.
(II) Body Image.
"Mothers can transfer their negative body image to their daughters - mothers can boost teens self-esteem by having a positive outlook themselves. It's easy to blame the media for glamorous images of thin models whom teenage girls long to emulate. But many psychologists and eating disorders specialists believe that the greatest influence lives at home." (Refer to my previous post on Parents Have the Most Influence on Their Children - WEEK 2 QUOTE 2) "A large amount of girls' body image and self-esteem develop from interactions with their mothers - not necessarily through conversation, but often just observation." A mother's approach to eating, or food in general, the reading of food labels, her approach to wearing clothes..... are all taken in by daughters.
"A Harvard University study found that frequent dieting by mothers was associated with frequent dieting by daughters. The study, published in Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, also found that girls with mothers who had weight concerns were more likely to develop anxieties about their own bodies."
Carolyn Costin, spokeswoman for The National Eating Disorders Association in America, stated that their study had found that five-year-old girls whose mothers dieted were twice as likely to be aware of weight-loss strategies as girls whose mothers didn't diet. "It's like trying on Mum's high heels. They're trying on their diets, too".
I think the point here, again is that as mothers we have a choice or power over our attitude to our body image - either we can display a positive attitude to ourselves, while we quietly or subtly work away at a diet to reduce weight, if needed, or we can steer family attention to the current diet we are on, through our conversations, along with a negative focus on ourselves.
ONE CHOICE SPEAKS OF A MUM WHO MAY BE WORKING AT HER WEIGHT BUT WHOSE ATTITUDE WILL HELP HER DAUGHTER. THE OTHER CHOICE WILL POSSIBLY TEACH AND CONTRIBUTE TO AN ONGOING SEQUENCE OF UNHAPPY BODY IMAGE FOR HER DAUGHTER.
B. Be a Positive Example ~ Acceptance, Approval, Being Valued ~ Being Loved.
Daughters need to know their mums value and accept them. She needs her mum's approval, to know her mum is proud of her. She needs to know it, see it and hear her mum's proud reactions to her.
The mum who regularly registers disappointment or disapproval in her daughter's actions, sets up relational problems for her future. Disapproval can be a mum's response to a daughter's success or opportunities, possibly because the mum never had these. This is particularly true in cultures where mum has sacrificed and struggled for family futherence, and her daughter has moved with ease into opportunities of privilege. This is a case of where mums need to have a good grip on the difference of circumstances of each generation.
Being accepted, approved of and valued by mum, is in fact a desire and need of all girls to be loved by their mum.
Some mums struggle to give such love, acceptance, approval and value to their daughters, because it wasn't given to them. It is a pattern handed from one generation to the next. Maybe as a mum, if you don't feel acceptance, approval or valued as a person, you need to do some work on yourself. You can only give this type of love to your daughter if you experience it yourself. Some women who have not received it from their own mothers, have 'found it' as other people accept, approve, value and love them. Others have 'found it' in their relationship with Jesus as they consider how he accepts them.
A DAUGHTER NEEDS ASSURANCE THAT HER MOTHER LOVES HER FOR WHO SHE IS.
C. Be a Positive Example ~ Model a "BIG" life.
In 2010 most females living in our culture, have full access into any area of life. A huge variety to select from with opportunities WIDE open for our choice.
But a worrying and odd thing is occurring amongst a growing proportion of girls, in that what was hoped for and modelled by the Emmeline Pankhursts and the Kate Shepperds, who blazed the trail for women to be able to enjoy the opportunities we have today, is quickly being forgotton. Don't misunderstand me, please. I'm not thinking of Women's Liberation or Feminism, here. My concern is that an increasing percentage of girls in the western world are choosing 'comfort', 'safety' and a small life through their practice of conformity to their peers around them.
This week a friend told me of her disappointment in the girls at her daughter's school - their lack of gumption, lack of preparedness to ripple the water. Instead they choose conformity or sameness, which results in a shallow existence.
In an earlier post WEEK 9 QUOTE 9, I spoke of Jessica Watson, the Australian girl who was in the midst of sailing solo around the world. Jessica is an example of the opposite end of the spectrum to the girls described above. I have just finished reading Jessica's book, "True Spirit", about her amazing voyage. On one of the final pages, Jessica writes of another girl , Bethany Hamilton, who has been an inspiration to her. . . .
"Bethany was an up-and-coming surfer when she was attacked by a 14 foot tiger shark at her home break in Hawaii. She was fourteen. She had her left arm ripped off just below the shoulder but was back in the water surfing only a month later. She is now twenty years old and is a professional surfer. Bethany is one gutsy woman and she says :
'Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice.' " from "True Spirit": Jessica Watson.
Bethany Hamilton has written her story in a book called "Soul Surfer".
Mums can contribute to their daughter choosing a life of depth, bravery... - a BIG life with gumption! Jessica Watson's mum, Julie was acknowledged several times through Jessica's book as the one who encouraged her to dream big, which set her on her path as a small child. Likewise the incredible adult life of Ariana Styasinopoulos (my post WEEK 8 QUOTE 8), was supported and fuelled by a mother, who like Jessica Watson's mother, modelled and opened the door to a BIG life.
We have dozens of women through history who lived lives of gumption - Florence Nightingale, Anita Roddick, Maggie Thatcher, Maria Curie, Mother Theresa, Catherine the Great, Helen Keller, Corrie ten Boon, Rosa Parks...... Maybe you and your daughter could get to know their stories through books and movies.
MUMS CAN MODEL A LIFE OF 'SUGAR AND SPICE AND ALL THINGS NICE', OR MODEL BIG LIVES, LIVES OF DEPTH AND GUMPTION FOR THEIR DAUGHTERS.
D. Be a Positive Example ~ Be Self Controlled.
Girls need a positive example of living with control in the area of emotions. So much has been written about the changes of a girl's emotions during pre adolescence, adolescence and of women through the process of menoporse. Some writers direct the reader's attention to working with these changes. Part of that work is in the department of self control.
My hero, Charlotte Mason, says self control is a habit, something that with practice will become easier and more a part of our character.
I've heard women say that in living with their emotions, at some point they come to a 'fork in the road', they have a choice to go one way or the other, control themselves or not.
How do you learn to control yourself? Firstly start now, because the longer it is put off and the wrong habit practiced, the harder change becomes.
Charlotte Mason gives a great method. Start by talking with your daughter of her possible future, living without self control, 'painting' specific pictures for her. She needs to see and understand the real affect on herself and others around her, for her to decide she needs to work at change, now.
Next you need to identify where or what situations in her life regularly happen that call for her need of self control. Depending on her age, the strategy you use, may need you her mum to assist or support, especially at first, to get regular success in practicing self control.
Charlotte Mason describes an old wrong habit (lack of self control) as being like a wheel that goes forever up and down in one place, on the same old track, gouging a rut in the road over time. To establish a new, better habit (self control), the wheel must be lifted out of the rut, put on a new piece of ground and with support and help travel on, practicing the new habit of self control.
WHICHEVER WAY WE GO, WHATEVER WE PRACTICE AS MUMS, WE DEMONSTRATE A WAY OF BEHAVING IN LIFE TO A WATCHING DAUGHTER, FOR HER TO TAKE ONBOARD.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS bring the examples of positive and great people you know about into your daughter's life, and let your feelings of inspiration translate into lives of gumption for both of you!!
Cathy
"Every time I hear the fatal lines 'I'm my daughter's best friend', I think 'Oh, grow up you silly woman...' . . . .
You're out shopping and see two blondes from behind, long hair swinging, both in high heels, toting enormous SWAG bags, then they turn. One is 18, the other in her 40's. . . .
Now don't get me wrong. I can understand the heady attraction from the mum's point of view.
Not long ago, admittedly a very dark car park, the attendant thought I was my daughter's sister. I was over the moon. Until I caught sight of my daughter's face.
Much as she loves me I could see the look of horror mixed with pity that I wanted to be taken for my 19 year old's sister. Did I need that kind of pathetic reassurance?
It made me remember how one of my friends at primary school had a glam mother who dressed incredibly well and flirted with all the fathers. The rest of us were consumed with jealousy.
Except that when you looked closely, it was clearly aweful for my friend to have a mother who cared more about being desirable than for her daughter's happiness.
In fact, I remember being deeply grateful that my own mother looked like a mum, slightly overweight, rather dowdy dressed . . . and who was obviously a mum. And yet, no way did my mother lack authority. She had bags of it. . . . she knew that it was important for the psyche that parents lay boundaries that must be respected by the child.
And this is the rub, . . . best friends don't lay down limits. They join in with you, egg you on, even. And yet of all the parent's jobs, laying down limits is the most vital.
Parents have to teach their children nasty, uncomfortable truths - such as you can't always have what you want, that you have to think of others occasionally, and that life can be annoying and dull at times.
A friend who tried to tell you that would be dumped at once.
But any psychologist will tell you that getting stuck into extreme and self-destructive behaviour. . . is often due to children never having learned to say 'No' to themselves with the help and advice of a loving parent.
But what if the parent wants to come along and share these experiences? The supreme irony is that while most of us would never hit or abuse our child, we are still doing them an immense wrong by trying just to be their friend. . . .
Our parents may have been tough and it was uncomfortable, so confusing authority with authoritarianism - we tell ourselves we want to practice a different way of parenting.
Unfortunately, it often turns out to be no parenting at all.
According to Dr Poulter, 'When mothers become best friends, it leaves their children motherless.'
The upshot is that girls can sometimes have to push themselves to dangerous levels of aberrant behaviour until someone intervenes and says enough is enough.
But being a strong parent can be uncomfortable. . . .
No one wants a return to the idea of Victorian parenting, with its overtones of children being seen and not heard, but we do need to re-establish a sense of parental authority.
Of course, it's healthy for parents to get on with their children, to chat and laugh together, though not to become one of those ghastly mothers who claim their daughters 'tell them everything'.
Daughters who have been brought up with a clear sense that they have a mother instead of an aging best friend won't need or want their mum to go on the pull with them, like Fergie boasts of doing.
They will have friends and boyfriends of their own. And if mothers who want to be their daughter's best friend don't see that, they will remain sad figures trying to prevent their children from growing up - just so they can go along for the party."
"Why Your Daughter Needs You to be Her Mother, Not Her Best Friend" : Maeve Haran. Daily Mail Online UK. April 2008.
This post is PART 1 of WHAT DAUGHTERS NEED FROM THEIR MUM.
1. DAUGHTERS NEED THEIR MUMS TO BE MUM.
(A) NOT A BEST FRIEND.
I believe the night out lifestyle of the Duchess of Windsor - Sarah Ferguson (Fergie) with her daughters, like other royal and celebrity mums, is a normal part of life - indulging together in over partying.
As you look at the photograph of them above, out on the town for the night, what do you see? How do you feel?
You may quickly rule yourself out as being a practitioner of this type of relationship with your daughters, as you don't dress like this, or party with your daughters. . . Maeve Haran's description of mum-daughter dress alikes, partying together, is not the only version of "my daughter's my best friend". There are others, not so clearly identified, but definately resulting in the same too close for the healthy independent development of daughters.
Haran gives some points to check ourselves by ~ does your daughter have friends of her own who she regularly spends time with/ shares her life with?
~ do you encourage her to make independent friendships of her own?
~ do you wrap your own life tightly into your daughter's?
The mobile phone is used as a stranglehold on some daughters today. Mums who play with this version of "my daughter's my best friend" , speak of it as a loving way to stay in contact! Mum may not be physically there at the party, at school or wherever the daughter is, but she is fully up with the play with what's happening - hourly dispensing thoughts into her daughter's mind. Advice? Suggestions? Checking she's OK? See that she's having a good time? Wanting to know what's going on, now? . . . She may also suffer from being a 'Controlling Mum' (SEE my post WEEK 15 QUOTE 15).
Another version of "my daughter's my best friend" is seen when the daughter has left home, possibly has children of her own, and should be seen by her mother as being independent. Mum however, figures regularly in her daughter's life. ~ she has daily contact on the phone to swap the goss.
~ she has several meet ups for coffee each week, or drop-ins to home to be fully involved with her daughter's life and decision making.
~ she is her daughter's shopping partner whether it be groceries, choosing objects for the house or clothes for her daughter or her children - often mother ends up paying for more than she should on such outings. Again it may help reading the post on 'Controlling Mums'.
However you see it, daughters in these situations are not given the space to learn to be independent, to respect their own judgements or grow toward maturity. Daughters need peers, their own friends, to be part of and share their lives with, rather than being fully occupied by their mothers. Mums must remember their daughter has her own life to live and a right to the privilege to figure out life privately, herself.
"Above all, adolescent girls need mothers to be consistent adults. The healthiest of relationships will be developed between mums and girls who respect the boundaries of the generations." says Kyanna Sutton : "How To Survive Your Daughter's Teen Years".
Daughters are looking for and need their mum to be a support system to them. This necessary role becomes confused for them if mum is taken up with hanging on to her youth - be it spray-on tan, mini skirts, blonde hair extensions or whatever.
Karyl McBride "Will I Ever be Good Enough:Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers", believes that mothers who choose to combat getting older in this manner, hurt their daughters as they seem to be competing with them.
The support system needed by the daughter is confused, and her self esteem and confidence is damaged, says Erika Thomas "Moms That Dress Like Teenagers".
". . . the mother-daughter relationship has unique characteristics that distinguish it from a best friendship. These characteristics include a mother's role as primary caretaker, a lack of reciprocity, and a hierarchy of responsibility. This hierarchy, combined with unconditional love, precludes mothers and daughters from being best friends." Linda Gordon and Susan Morris Shaffer "Too Close for Comfort : Questioning the Intimacy of Today's Mother-Daughter Relationship".
DAUGHTERS NEEDS MUMS TO BE MUMS - NOT A BEST FRIEND.
(B) PROVIDING CLOSE CONNECTION WITH THEIR DAUGHTER
I can hear you saying "What? What's she mean by that? We've just been reading how mums must step out of their daughter's lives so they will mature independently...." Yes, that's right! But that does not mean that a daughter needs her mother to step off the planet and disappear from their life all together.
There is a difference between the mothering described in the previous point and the mothering that provides a daughter with her needed access to close connection with her mum.
A picture of this is the swimming instructor who teaches very young children to float on their back. Lessons go by where the child is first fully supported and held in a lying position to get the feel of floating and over time the need of support is lessened until, SUCCESS, the child independently floats. But if there's a sudden loss of confidence or a person nearby on the side of the pool dives in giving a splash, the wise instructor assists the beginner by steadying him, supporting him to ensure the progress gained is not all lost in a moment.
I have seen the same process in gymnastics where a coach trains a gymnast with a new move on bar. The preparation takes weeks often months with a lot of talking and encouragement, along with sections of the move being practiced in isolation. Gradually as the coach sees increasing confidence and precision, the parts of the move are put together, speeded up, less support is given, until finally it is executed flawlessly. At this stage a gymnast may loose her confidence or holdback, maybe because of a painful injury. So the wise coach returns to encouraging talk and physical support to re-steady her once again and ensure the progress gained is not lost.
"The Mother-Daughter Project" practices these principles in their groups of mums and daughters across America. They regularly get together for skills and fun development along with making great memories between mums and their daughters. They start when daughters are five - ten years of age and say that by building positive, strong patterns of relationship between mums and daughters over years, gives a close connection to successfully handle any difficult years ahead. Girls want access to close connection with their mums. The Mother-Daughter Project say, "When they go in a new direction, especially one new to US . . . . our daughters want us right there, supporting and cheering them. Girls want to confide in their mothers, and with their mother's interest and support, it's easier for them to make it through the minefields of adolescence."
So how does a mother provide this close connection? What does it look like from mum's end?
Erika Thomas calls it a "support system"
Kyanna Sutton, being a "consistent adult"
Karyl McBride echoes both these points.
Gordon and Shaffer, being a "primary caretaker. . . . hierarchy of responsibility. . . . . combined with unconditional love"
Maeve Haran, establishing "boundaries", "laying down limits", "...nasty, uncomfortable truths - such as you can't always have what you want, that you have to think of others occasionally and that life can be annoying and dull at times" , saying "No", "parental-authority" not "authoritarianism".
The pictures of the swimming instructor and the gym coach, show too that the close connection equips, in this case, the daughter for the future, to operate successfully and independently.
The need of a daughter for closeness and connection with her mum is one thing, her finding access or choosing to connect is another. The need to build a history of good memories and access between mums and daughters through childhood years as The Mother-Daughter Project does, is the key.
Good memories of connection and strong patterns of relationship, are possible between mums and daughters of any age, even when you start later in life. It may however take a longer time build.
DAUGHTERS NEED THEIR MUMS TO BE MUMS WHO PROVIDE CLOSE CONNECTION.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS, be a MUM to your daughter - make some good memories together.
Cathy
