Image - powerofmoms.com
"There is so much task-work to be done, so many things that must be done, not learned, but learned about, that it is only now and then a child gets the chance to produce himself in his work."
"The children's thought was stimulated, and they felt they had it in them to say much about...whatever...subject struck their fancy. 'They felt their feet,' as..(people)..say of children when they begin to walk;"
SCHOOL EDUCATION: Charlotte Mason p. 37.
This series is attempting to discuss six areas where parents, can treat children as 'persons'.
This, the first post, is in the area of WORK - home jobs or responsibilities, or school work.
The quotes above are from Charlotte Mason who wrote over a hundred years ago. The point she makes is as true today as it ever was.
Some parents want their child to do a job in just the same way as they do it. Why? Because they consider their way is right, or the best, or the quickest. Maybe their parent straight-jacketed them to copy their method of doing the job, many years earlier. Or possibly they found their method after many tries and failures to get the task done. The second approach is what children need today - experiences to let their humour, their artisticness, or their need of haste, or precision... come to the fore. That way the job gets done by them using their own personal initiative.
If parents persist with an attitude to children that they need to be told, directed, instructed in how to do things, they rob their children, because they ignore the fact that each child has a mind with it's unique qualities and perspectives on approaching things.
The second quote above describes what happens when a child is allowed to use their personal initiative in their work. The child is encouraged, stimulated, they gain confidence which pours over into other areas of life. They view the work as fun or enjoyable. Children now see themselves as capable because they have found things for themselves or 'felt their feet'. This is what growing up or maturing is all about.
Any artistic work a child or adult is involved in requires total person initiative ~ so ~
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ ask your child to do a job which they are capable to do but have never done before. Let them handle it as they wish. Give no guidelines unless they ask you a question.
Cathy
Photo : Getty.
"After the movers leave, but before the boxes are unpacked, her four kids will bounce balls and laughter off the barren walls in games of keep-away or "wall ball". Soon enough, balls will be banished from the house, but in the meantime, this fun tradition gives the children something to look forward to and reinforces the fact that home is wherever the family is." says Jennifer McDonald, in JOCELYN GREEN'S article MOVING....AGAIN" in Focus on the Family's magazine "THRIVING FAMILY". Summer 2013.
Nowadays, more families move house more often than families did in our grandparents' generation. There are many reasons for this, including job transfers, downsizing for financial reasons, and the consequences of marriage and partner split ups.
The effect of moving house, particularly regularly moving house can be devastating. Children more than adults can suffer with loss of friends and family, familiar surroundings and lifestyle habits. Adults of course can be hurt by these changes, but adults are part of the decision to move. Children are not.
I know of some families who regardless of their many moves, have kids who seem little affected negatively.
Why is it then that some families that move a lot end up with troubled children, while others take it in their stride?
The difference comes from your attitude.
Jocelyn Green gives FIVE excellent practical ideas ~
1. "Brief the kids early"
Bring them in on your plans to move as early as possible so they too can prepare and say 'goodbye' to friends. Parents often give little thought to the fact that children can and need to do this in their own way, so they need time.
2. "Provide individual reassurance"
Love your kids more via their own Love Language over this period of time - Words of Affirmation/Gifts/Serving/Physical Touch/Quality Time. Here's where parents often are overwhelmed by the move and forget the kids need more love at this time of change. Children don't have the maturity or life experience that adults have, so they need help. Jocelyn rightly emphasises that it is vital to give this type of love to introverted children especially.
3. "Strengthen family ties and long-distance friendships"
With all the changes moving house brings, this is the time to deepen connections with family and friends whose relationships are important to our kids. Parents can do this by simply chatting about these people while working together with the kids. Children can also be parked at the computer on Skype or on the phone with grandparents, aunties and uncles and friends who are meaningful in their life and leave parents to do some uninterrupted packing. Continuing involvement with these important people and giving them access into our children's lives gives wonderful stability.
4. "Strategise at school"
On arrival at the new location, the best plan is to establish links into the community and school. For example, if your child played tennis at the local club, join the new club straight away. The same should be done with school involvements, get them participating from the start. Preschoolers need connections set up immediately so there is the feeling of continuity. Some moves however, take people into a totally different culture or lifestyle to the one they left. In these cases it is important to discuss as much as possible with the children from the start, finding out information which assists them in looking at new options, so they are able to connect up smoothly. This is not always viable, but information gathering and discussions certainly prepare and help children adjust into new situations.
5. "Cultivate the constants"
Once in the new neighbourhood, maintain the normal patterns and routines of your family. This doesn't mean you can't do things differently because this is one of the exciting things about moving somewhere new. Choose to improve your time together, such as after eating a family meal, extend the together time by playing a quick game, sharing chocolate or toasting marshmallows around the fire, or soaking up the last of the sunshine together. As parents we can choose to make simple things into family times.
I would add two last points to the above list ~
6. Involve the children in as much as possible ~
If you are packing your own possessions in the move, bring the kids in on it.
Older teenagers who drive can pickup packing boxes, dispose of the loads that need to be thrown away, vacuum and clean areas once they are cleared and organise and plan many aspects of the move.
Younger teenagers can physically lift things, step into doing some of the routine washing and cooking while packing goes on, handle interruptions such as the phone.
After thoroughly looking through all a child's possessions with a parent, a child from 5 years up can be given some responsibility to pack their own things.
By making it a family team effort, the work load is shared.
Moving is one of those occasions where parents do well to take on the growing fashion of listening to everyone for any innovative ideas - then implementing the winning ones. You never know one of your own kids may have entrepreneurial skills.
7. Start early ~
It always takes longer than you expect. This way life doesn't have to 'shut down' the last week before you leave, you will prevent having a heart attack and will have space mentally and emotionally to farewell people properly.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ have a profitable time packing - I'm thinking of YOU Val!!
Cathy
www. pbs.org
"But one habit drives out another." Charlotte Mason
This is the third part of the series "When the Kids are Out of Control".
Part 1 was posted June 25 2013, and Part 2, "The Emotional Tank", was posted July 2 2013.
The third piece or part of a solution that brought change to my children who were out of control, was a concept that Charlotte Mason wrote about - ESTABLISHING A RIGHT ACTION IS BETTER THAN PUNISHING OR WORKING TO CHANGE A WRONG ACTION.
In her writings she explained why my 'telling' a child to stop doing a wrong action, wasn't working ~
* I wasn't showing them how to stop the wrong action.
* after I had requested they stop, I wasn't following up to ensure they did stop.
* so my kids began to ignore me asking them to stop bad behaviour.
* soon they were hardly aware that I had asked them to stop misbehaving - they had zoned out to my talking.
Charlotte explained a method to change a bad habit into a new good habit. (I am going to use as an example the habit of the inability to stop talking and interrupting.)
1.) The bad habit has made a record on their brain.
2.) The only way to remove it is to work towards completely stopping the habit for a period of time - at least a month, during which new brain cells are developing as a new habit is formed. This step is successfully used by drug and alcohol rehabilitation groups.
3.) To have any hope of doing this, you need complete agreement from your child that they want to change this bad habit. To do this you need to make them aware of ~
* what they will become if they don't stop the bad habit
* how it will hurt them personally as a teenager and an adult
* the damage it will bring to relationships in the future.
They must want to change, so you need to think how to present this successfully to your child. I have found it is best to find a happy moment between you and your child to talk through the 3 points above. (some HINTS - for children 11years and up - talk while you drive in the car or walk together, this way they don't feel you are dictating to them but rather you are having a chat. With younger children you need to get their attention so it is best to be able to have regular eye contact with them through the conversation.)
The conversation must be age relevant and appropriate to them personally. Here is an example of such a conversation :
"Vanessa, do you realise that you are always interrupting me and talking over me when I talk with Dad? It happened yesterday too, when I was talking with some of the women at coffee group. I don't like you interrupting me like this. If you keep non-stop talking, when you are 13 and go to high school, like Simon next door, you will be sent out of class by teachers, have caution letters sent home as you're disturbing the class with your talking. Your teenage friends will get sick of you with all that talking and no listening.
Once you are an adult with a job, your boss will not be happy if you're talking all the time and your work doesn't get done.
Life for you could be pretty unhappy. Is this what you want?
Would you like to learn how to stop talking and interrupting people? I can help you, if you want."
Remember you know your child and how blunt or sensitive you need to be. Whatever you say and however you say it, you must convince them they need to change. So use your imagination and skills in communication.
4.) As the parent, you know exactly when the bad habit regularly pops up. Think about what triggers it. Can you change something to help remove the bad habit? With the habit of non-stop talking and interrupting, it possibly pops up every time you start to talk with your partner, because this is when you give your attention to someone else. It is common for children to want continual free access to their mum or dad - 'parent on tap'. For this reason it would help to spend more time on Ross Campbell's three Emotional Tank fillers - Eye Contact, Physical Contact and Focused Attention (click on "The Emotional Tank" post July 2 2013, link at the top)
5.) Next, think out a plan to establish a new habit. Often the best new plan is the exact opposite of the old bad habit. It must be simple and workable because it must work every time. Go about it quietly and cheerfully, (don't make a big deal about it) just make sure they follow the new plan.
You may need to arrange a signal with your child to remind them they need to remember what you have talked about, which will bring them back on track rather than going back to the old habit. A signal between you is more powerful than you verbally reminding them what they must do. A signal keeps the choice or responsibility to adopt the new plan, firmly with the child, which is where it needs to be.
Respond regularly with a "well done", a kiss... after they successfully follow through with the new plan. Once again you should increase your Eye Contact, Physical Contact and Focused Attention during the month while the new habit is established.
A plan to stop the habit, non-stop talking and interrupting in a child, is to adopt the habit of listening to other people as they speak. A signal to help a child to remember to not talk and instead to listen, could be, to pass your hand across your mouth and then gently pull out both ears. The hint is simply communicated, and then the child remembers.
Another support for your child while they learn to listen and not talk, is to cuddle them or sit them on your knee as you chat with your partner. If they begin to talk give your arranged signal and increase loving them. Do this as often as possible - make it a priority.
Follow the same plan as much as possible when out. The more practice the quicker and firmer the new habit is established.
6.) It is always best to do a simple, brief reminder on the way as you drive to Grandma's, the coffee group, supermarket.... talk with them about where they are going, what will happen there and what is expected from them there - prepare them. Don't discuss old past failures, keep it positive so they believe they can successfully work with the new plan while they are out. Encourage them, and be available while out for them to come for a cuddle or support if things get hard for them.
7.) The more practice at home you do the quicker the new habit will be in place, simultaneously this is putting an end to the old bad habit. The younger you start this sort of training, the easier it is.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ choose one of your children and one of their bad habits and think of its opposite. Decide how to have that conversation to get them onboard and see that they must change. Make your plan and you are off and away - out with the old habit and a new one will soon be established in their life. Enjoy it all and keep positive with the irresistible habit of patience as an example to help them to persevere.
Cathy
"Pride slays thanksgiving .... A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves." Henri Ward Beecher : Life Thoughts, Gathered from the Extemporary Discourses of Henri Ward Beecher.
In a busy, go-get-it orientated age, to introduce the topic of death into a conversation or as a blog post, is hardly considered appropriate. Death, however, is the one true fact that all humans of every ethnicity, religion, social class, mental and physical ability, career path and financial attainment, will experience.
Three weeks ago my Mum died in Australia, just three days before her 90th birthday. All her children were with her attempting to provide an atmosphere of what she loved and held dear, in the midst of swearing and awkward visitor conversations with the other patients in Mum's room.
I thought it was like a circus, my sisters who had lived in Africa said it was all very 'African'.
Apart from the beeping drip monitors, Mum seemed oblivious to the inappropriate happenings, even the publicness of the man on his bed-pan, just through the curtain.
My Mum, always quietly elegant, wore gloves to drive the car as a young mum, wore clip-on earrings and foundation makeup everyday, till the week before she died.
But as the poets have said, in these hours leading up to death, the practices and preferences of a lifetime are left and only what is truly precious is held on to.
As all participants in her funeral said, as things became tougher in her latter years, my Mum increasingly grew and received energy from giving thanks. What a seemingly insignificant and child-like practice! But in the face of death it shows a different side. The inconveniences of the room and her physical struggle did not change.
In the three years since Ann Voskamp's book "one thousand gifts" had been published, my Mum had read it seven times that we know of. The book's subtitle "A DARE to LIVE FULLY right where you are", had been practiced so that in the hours of pneumonia death, she was ready, she knew radical gratitude and so trusted her now as well as her future, to God.
This was not some mind exercise in positive thinking. It was real. A person had been changed - we, her four daughters who knew her so closely, saw it. Her practiced thankfulness had made her grateful, confident and incredibly beautifully attractive - if you can understand that to be possible in a frail, body-wrinkled woman.
I miss my daily phone conversations with her, where my purpose was to encourage, but the reality was the reverse. But I am so thankful that I saw this real side to my Mum and that she left us with these clear memories of hope.
Cathy.
This is PART 2 of "WHEN THE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL". This post continues on from the previous one.
The second piece of common sense that came my way, heading me towards finding a solution, was finding out about our Emotional Tank.
“...each child has an emotional tank. This tank is figurative, of course, but very real. Each child has certain emotional needs, and whether these emotional needs are met (through love, understanding, discipline, etc) determines many things. First of all, how a child feels; whether he is content, angry, depressed, or joyful. Secondly, it affects his behaviour: whether he is obedient, disobedient, whiny, perky, playful, or withdrawn. Naturally, the fuller the tank, the more positive the feelings and the better the behaviour. ...
Only if the emotional tank is full, can a child be expected to be at their best or to do their best. And whose responsibility is it to keep that emotional tank full? You guessed it, the parents’. A child’s behaviour indicates the status of the tank. ... Only if the tank is kept full can a child really be happy, reach his potential, and respond appropriately to discipline.” How to Really Love Your Child: Ross Campbell. p 33.
How do parents fill their child's Emotional Tank?
Ross Campbell says there are three ways to convey love and fill the Emotional Tank.
1. Positive EYE CONTACT from parents
2. Positive PHYSICAL CONTACT from parents
3. Positive FOCUSED ATTENTION from parents
1. POSITIVE EYE CONTACT FROM PARENTS.
"The more parents make eye contact with their child as a means of expressing their love, the more a child is nourished with love and the fuller is their emotional tank. What is eye contact? Eye contact is looking directly into the eyes of another person." How to Really Love Your Child:Ross Campbell. p37.
You may be comfortable or you may feel completely out of you depth using your eyes in this way and looking into your child's eyes. The point is that the eyes are a major form of communication between us, so it's essential we learn how to use them correctly rather than selectively or only when we are happy or proud of our child.
Transmitting love to our child through our eyes to theirs, must be an on-going practice.
"After a child is approximately six to eight weeks of age, you will notice that their eyes are always moving and seem to be searching for something. The eyes resemble two radar antennae constantly moving and searching. .... he's searching for another set of eyes. As early as two months, these eyes lock on another set of eyes. Already they are feeding emotionally, and even at this very early age their emotional tank needs to be filled. ...
It's no wonder that a child's way of relating to their world, and their feelings toward it, are so well formed early in their life. Most researchers state that a child's basic personality, modes of thinking, style of speech, and other critical traits are well fixed by the age of five." How to Really Love Your Child:Ross Campbell. p.44.
Giving eye contact is not a huge time taker, nor is it difficult to do, but immensely effective in conveying love and filling a child's emotional tank.
2. POSITIVE PHYSICAL CONTACT FROM PARENTS.
"Surprisingly, studies show that most parents touch their children only when necessity demands it, as when helping them to dress, undress, or get into the car. Otherwise few parents take advantage of this pleasant, effortless way of giving their children that unconditional love they so desperately need. You seldom see a parent on his own volition or "out of the blue" take an opportunity to touch his child."
Physical contact needs to be a sincere and natural expression of a parent's love towards their child, not showy or over-the-top. Both child and parent must feel comfortable for it to be appropriate.
Research statistics show that boys from three years of age are typically loved less physically than they were as babies. For boys, the age period of toddler to and through teenage years, is one where loving physical contact is a profound need. The style of physical touch will change from kisses and cuddles to wrestling, play fights, hi-fives and teasing jostling. You can read more about this "What Does a Son Need from His Dad?" Part 1 - Connection, Affection, Love. OR "What a Son Needs from His Mum"
The crucial time period for physical affection for girls is in their pre-adolescent years. The attitude they carry into adolescence on their own self-image and sexual identity, determines how they will work with future peer pressure. A girl's self-image and sexual identity reveal how she feels about herself, her self approval as a female.
Fathers are the primary person to give the correct message to their pre-adolescent daughters. She learns to approve of herself by her father showing he approves of her. If you want more information "What Do Daughters Need from Their Dad?"
3. POSITIVE FOCUSED ATTENTION FROM PARENTS.
"Focused attention, in my experience, is the most demanding need a child has, because we parents have extreme difficulty in recognising it, much less fulfilling it. ... One of the main reasons is that other things we do for a child seem to suffice. For example, special favours, gifts and granting unusual requests seem to substitute for focused attention at the time. ... I find it a real temptation to use this type of substitution because favours or gifts are easier to give and take much less of my time. But I have found over and over that my children do not do their best, do not feel their best, and do not behave their best unless I give them that precious commodity, focused attention." How to Really Love Your Child:Ross Campbell. p. 56.
Focused attention is when a parent gives their full attention to their child - truly listening to them, watching them and involved in their moment, so the child feels and knows they are loved. This is when the child knows they are valued by their parent for who they are.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ keep a check on yourself for how much eye contact, physical contact and focused attention you are giving each of your children. Some parents think that because they know they love their children, that this is enough. The fact is that parents must demonstrate and show their love via these three methods in order for the kids' emotional tank to be full, and in order for them to handle their lives in the future with success.
Cathy
www. principlespage.com
"Most parents are having a difficult time raising their child. With pressures and strains mounting every day ... it is easy to become confused and discouraged. Rising divorce rates, economic crises, declining quality of education, and less trust in leadership all take an emotional toll on everyone. As parents become more physically, emotionally and spiritually drained, it becomes increasingly difficult to nurture their child. I am convinced that a child takes the greatest brunt of these difficult times. A child is the most needy person in our society, and his greatest need is love." How to Really Love Your Child : Ross Campbell. p.11-12.
Every parent wants to raise children who will succeed in life.
Each of us have particular skills and different philosophies which we work to make part of our children's lives to equip them for success in the future.
Some say there are three main areas of life we must consider to raise a successful child - their intellectual or academic development
- their physical development
- their spiritual development
BUT if a child hasn't learnt to CONTROL themselves, they won't go far in life, regardless of how clever or gifted they are in these things.
My kids ~ I remember times when my kids were out of control. Sometimes I really struggled as a mum, especially as more children came along. Our first four kids were born two years apart and then next three, three years apart. At times I was embarrassed publicly because of their lack of control. But this forced me to want to get help and find a solution to help them learn to control themselves.
As a young mum I was looking for solutions and they were given to me a piece at a time - through books, conversations or ideas that popped into my head.
As I worked at putting into practice the things I recognised as great ideas and common sense, I became more confident and encouraged as a parent.
At the same time my children were also changing for the better. The strong-willed ones were demonstrating the positive side of this character trait. There was less grumbling, arguing and less chaos. We were starting to experience a buoyancy in our family.
How did we get to this point? What brought the changes?
3 IDEAS THAT PROVIDED A SOLUTION ~
The first came through Ross Campbell's book "How to Really Love Your Child". He also co-authored "The Five Love Languages of Children".
IDEA No. 1 ~ A REALISTIC VIEW OF MY CHILDREN AND MY ROLE.
In his book Ross Campbell gave me a thought process that led me to how I needed to think.
" 1) they are children
2) they will tend to act like children
3) much of childish behaviour is unpleasant
4) if I do my part as a parent and love them despite their childish behaviour, they will be able to mature and give up childish ways
5) if I only love them when they please me (conditional love), and convey my love to them only during those times, they will not feel genuinely loved. This in turn will make them insecure, damage their self-image, and actually prevent them from moving on to better self-control and more mature behaviour. Therefore, their behaviour and its development is my responsibility as much as theirs
6) if I love them unconditionally, they will feel good about themselves and be comfortable with themselves. They will then be able to control their anxiety and, in turn, their behaviour, as they grow into adulthood
7) if I only love them when they meet my requirements or expectations, they will feel incompetent. They will believe it is fruitless to do their best because it is never enough. Insecurity, anxiety, and low self-esteem will plague them. They will be constant hinderances in their emotional and behavioural growth. Again their total growth is as much my responsibility as theirs
8) for my sake as a struggling parent, and for my son's (and daughter's) sakes, I pray my love for my children will be as unconditional as I can make it. The future of my children depend on this foundation." How to Really Love Your Child : Ross Campbell. p.30-31.
Here was a realistic description of what I was experiencing. Children being children. Here was an explanation for their bad emotional behaviour. I was already finding bits that I could see would lead me to a solution. I had to take up my responsibility as a parent in my child's emotional and behavioural development.
It started with regularly realigning my view of what they were like as children [ by reading 1) - 3)]
I found hope to persevere [ by reading 4) and 6)]
I was warned where not to head [ by reading 5) and 7)]. By thinking long and hard on the consequences of going the wrong way, I was pulled back into the direction I wanted to go as a parent.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ spend time watching your kids play or work and to become more aware of where they are in themselves. Are they easily frustrated? Do they seem insecure? Look back on old photos of them. It may be helpful to compare what was happening then to what you see now.
Cathy
There is an clear order in the world. An example of this is seen in parent birds, who protect their young in their nest, nurture and feed them, teaching them the skills to set them up for life. These young creatures seek out and call for their parents.
A couple of weeks ago a clip was shown during our television news - you could call it an 'experiment'. It obviously alarmed the news presenter. It reminded me of a Youtube link I had seen a year ago which had deeply worried me at that time.
Here is the link ~
News video shown on ONENEWS New Zealand June 6
It is normal today for mums to search for answers to their questions online, and there, as the presenter said, they find endless enthusiastic parents posting their babies playing with an iPad.
With persuasive advertising, technology savvy adults and parents like all parent through history - keen "to do the best for their children", iPads rapidly are becoming the standard 'toy/educational device' for toddlers.
I wanted to write about this growing, worrying phenomena and checked back to a post I wrote two years ago on school-aged technology.
The outcomes of regular technology use as described in this post, still stand. What has changed in the two years is the age that these dangers now kick-in.
My old post ~
"SHOULD THE SCREEN BE MY CHILD'S PLAY PAL?"
Have a look at these links if you are interested to read more ~
BBC NEWS - "LIMIT CHILDREN'S SCREEN TIME, EXPERT URGES"
THE TELEGRAPH - "TODDLERS BECOMING SO ADDICTED TO IPADS THEY REQUIRE THERAPY"
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~I don't want to be labelled the ANTI-TECHNOLOGY DRAMA QUEEN but the serious outcomes of allowing little children, toddlers, even babies, to have regular technology access, surely should drive us as parents to change our home and family habits in this area. Otherwise could it not be said that we are guilty of gross neglect in the care of these young children?
People parents can learn from bird parents, by upping our parent - child direct contact time, and putting away the iPad.
Cathy
