This is PART 2 of "WHEN THE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL". This post continues on from the previous one.
The second piece of common sense that came my way, heading me towards finding a solution, was finding out about our Emotional Tank.
“...each child has an emotional tank. This tank is figurative, of course, but very real. Each child has certain emotional needs, and whether these emotional needs are met (through love, understanding, discipline, etc) determines many things. First of all, how a child feels; whether he is content, angry, depressed, or joyful. Secondly, it affects his behaviour: whether he is obedient, disobedient, whiny, perky, playful, or withdrawn. Naturally, the fuller the tank, the more positive the feelings and the better the behaviour. ...
Only if the emotional tank is full, can a child be expected to be at their best or to do their best. And whose responsibility is it to keep that emotional tank full? You guessed it, the parents’. A child’s behaviour indicates the status of the tank. ... Only if the tank is kept full can a child really be happy, reach his potential, and respond appropriately to discipline.” How to Really Love Your Child: Ross Campbell. p 33.
How do parents fill their child's Emotional Tank?
Ross Campbell says there are three ways to convey love and fill the Emotional Tank.
1. Positive EYE CONTACT from parents
2. Positive PHYSICAL CONTACT from parents
3. Positive FOCUSED ATTENTION from parents
1. POSITIVE EYE CONTACT FROM PARENTS.
"The more parents make eye contact with their child as a means of expressing their love, the more a child is nourished with love and the fuller is their emotional tank. What is eye contact? Eye contact is looking directly into the eyes of another person." How to Really Love Your Child:Ross Campbell. p37.
You may be comfortable or you may feel completely out of you depth using your eyes in this way and looking into your child's eyes. The point is that the eyes are a major form of communication between us, so it's essential we learn how to use them correctly rather than selectively or only when we are happy or proud of our child.
Transmitting love to our child through our eyes to theirs, must be an on-going practice.
"After a child is approximately six to eight weeks of age, you will notice that their eyes are always moving and seem to be searching for something. The eyes resemble two radar antennae constantly moving and searching. .... he's searching for another set of eyes. As early as two months, these eyes lock on another set of eyes. Already they are feeding emotionally, and even at this very early age their emotional tank needs to be filled. ...
It's no wonder that a child's way of relating to their world, and their feelings toward it, are so well formed early in their life. Most researchers state that a child's basic personality, modes of thinking, style of speech, and other critical traits are well fixed by the age of five." How to Really Love Your Child:Ross Campbell. p.44.
Giving eye contact is not a huge time taker, nor is it difficult to do, but immensely effective in conveying love and filling a child's emotional tank.
2. POSITIVE PHYSICAL CONTACT FROM PARENTS.
"Surprisingly, studies show that most parents touch their children only when necessity demands it, as when helping them to dress, undress, or get into the car. Otherwise few parents take advantage of this pleasant, effortless way of giving their children that unconditional love they so desperately need. You seldom see a parent on his own volition or "out of the blue" take an opportunity to touch his child."
Physical contact needs to be a sincere and natural expression of a parent's love towards their child, not showy or over-the-top. Both child and parent must feel comfortable for it to be appropriate.
Research statistics show that boys from three years of age are typically loved less physically than they were as babies. For boys, the age period of toddler to and through teenage years, is one where loving physical contact is a profound need. The style of physical touch will change from kisses and cuddles to wrestling, play fights, hi-fives and teasing jostling. You can read more about this "What Does a Son Need from His Dad?" Part 1 - Connection, Affection, Love. OR "What a Son Needs from His Mum"
The crucial time period for physical affection for girls is in their pre-adolescent years. The attitude they carry into adolescence on their own self-image and sexual identity, determines how they will work with future peer pressure. A girl's self-image and sexual identity reveal how she feels about herself, her self approval as a female.
Fathers are the primary person to give the correct message to their pre-adolescent daughters. She learns to approve of herself by her father showing he approves of her. If you want more information "What Do Daughters Need from Their Dad?"
3. POSITIVE FOCUSED ATTENTION FROM PARENTS.
"Focused attention, in my experience, is the most demanding need a child has, because we parents have extreme difficulty in recognising it, much less fulfilling it. ... One of the main reasons is that other things we do for a child seem to suffice. For example, special favours, gifts and granting unusual requests seem to substitute for focused attention at the time. ... I find it a real temptation to use this type of substitution because favours or gifts are easier to give and take much less of my time. But I have found over and over that my children do not do their best, do not feel their best, and do not behave their best unless I give them that precious commodity, focused attention." How to Really Love Your Child:Ross Campbell. p. 56.
Focused attention is when a parent gives their full attention to their child - truly listening to them, watching them and involved in their moment, so the child feels and knows they are loved. This is when the child knows they are valued by their parent for who they are.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ keep a check on yourself for how much eye contact, physical contact and focused attention you are giving each of your children. Some parents think that because they know they love their children, that this is enough. The fact is that parents must demonstrate and show their love via these three methods in order for the kids' emotional tank to be full, and in order for them to handle their lives in the future with success.
Cathy
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