"WHEN THE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL" PART 2 - THE EMOTIONAL TANK

This is PART 2 of "WHEN THE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL". This post continues on from the previous one.
The second piece of common sense that came my way, heading me towards finding a solution, was finding out about our Emotional Tank.
“...each child has an emotional tank. This tank is figurative, of course, but very real. Each child has certain emotional needs, and whether these emotional needs are met (through love, understanding, discipline, etc) determines many things. First of all, how a child feels; whether he is content, angry, depressed, or joyful. Secondly, it affects his behaviour: whether he is obedient, disobedient, whiny, perky, playful, or withdrawn. Naturally, the fuller the tank, the more positive the feelings and the better the behaviour. ...
Only if the emotional tank is full, can a child be expected to be at their best or to do their best. And whose responsibility is it to keep that emotional tank full? You guessed it, the parents’. A child’s behaviour indicates the status of the tank. ... Only if the tank is kept full can a child really be happy, reach his potential, and respond appropriately to discipline.” How to Really Love Your Child: Ross Campbell. p 33.
How do parents fill their child's Emotional Tank?
Ross Campbell says there are three ways to convey love and fill the Emotional Tank.
1. Positive EYE CONTACT from parents
2. Positive PHYSICAL CONTACT from parents
3. Positive FOCUSED ATTENTION from parents
1. POSITIVE EYE CONTACT FROM PARENTS.
"The more parents make eye contact with their child as a means of expressing their love, the more a child is nourished with love and the fuller is their emotional tank. What is eye contact? Eye contact is looking directly into the eyes of another person." How to Really Love Your Child:Ross Campbell. p37.
You may be comfortable or you may feel completely out of you depth using your eyes in this way and looking into your child's eyes. The point is that the eyes are a major form of communication between us, so it's essential we learn how to use them correctly rather than selectively or only when we are happy or proud of our child.
Transmitting love to our child through our eyes to theirs, must be an on-going practice.
"After a child is approximately six to eight weeks of age, you will notice that their eyes are always moving and seem to be searching for something. The eyes resemble two radar antennae constantly moving and searching. .... he's searching for another set of eyes. As early as two months, these eyes lock on another set of eyes. Already they are feeding emotionally, and even at this very early age their emotional tank needs to be filled. ...
It's no wonder that a child's way of relating to their world, and their feelings toward it, are so well formed early in their life. Most researchers state that a child's basic personality, modes of thinking, style of speech, and other critical traits are well fixed by the age of five." How to Really Love Your Child:Ross Campbell. p.44.
Giving eye contact is not a huge time taker, nor is it difficult to do, but immensely effective in conveying love and filling a child's emotional tank.
2. POSITIVE PHYSICAL CONTACT FROM PARENTS.
"Surprisingly, studies show that most parents touch their children only when necessity demands it, as when helping them to dress, undress, or get into the car. Otherwise few parents take advantage of this pleasant, effortless way of giving their children that unconditional love they so desperately need. You seldom see a parent on his own volition or "out of the blue" take an opportunity to touch his child."
Physical contact needs to be a sincere and natural expression of a parent's love towards their child, not showy or over-the-top. Both child and parent must feel comfortable for it to be appropriate.
Research statistics show that boys from three years of age are typically loved less physically than they were as babies. For boys, the age period of toddler to and through teenage years, is one where loving physical contact is a profound need. The style of physical touch will change from kisses and cuddles to wrestling, play fights, hi-fives and teasing jostling. You can read more about this "What Does a Son Need from His Dad?" Part 1 - Connection, Affection, Love.  OR "What a Son Needs from His Mum"
The crucial time period for physical affection for girls is in their pre-adolescent years. The attitude they carry into adolescence on their own self-image and sexual identity, determines how they will work with future peer pressure. A girl's self-image and sexual identity reveal how she feels about herself, her self approval as a female.
Fathers are the primary person to give the correct message to their pre-adolescent daughters. She learns to approve of herself by her father showing he approves of her. If you want more information "What Do Daughters Need from Their Dad?"
3. POSITIVE FOCUSED ATTENTION FROM PARENTS.
"Focused attention, in my experience, is the most demanding need a child has, because we parents have extreme difficulty in recognising it, much less fulfilling it. ... One of the main reasons is that other things we do for a child seem to suffice. For example, special favours, gifts and granting unusual requests seem to substitute for focused attention at the time. ... I find it a real temptation to use this type of substitution because favours or gifts are easier to give and take much less of my time. But I have found over and over that my children do not do their best, do not feel their best, and do not behave their best unless I give them that precious commodity, focused attention." How to Really Love Your Child:Ross Campbell. p. 56.
Focused attention is when a parent gives their full attention to their child - truly listening to them, watching them and involved in their moment, so the child feels and knows they are loved. This is when the child knows they are valued by their parent for who they are.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ keep a check on yourself for how much eye contact, physical contact and focused attention you are giving each of your children. Some parents think that because they know they love their children, that this is enough. The fact is that parents must demonstrate and show their love via these three methods in order for the kids' emotional tank to be full, and in order for them to handle their lives in the future with success.
Cathy

"WHEN THE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL" PART 1

                                                  www. principlespage.com
"Most parents are having a difficult time raising their child. With pressures and strains mounting every day ... it is easy to become confused and discouraged. Rising divorce rates, economic crises, declining quality of education, and less trust in leadership all take an emotional toll on everyone. As parents become more physically, emotionally and spiritually drained, it becomes increasingly difficult to nurture their child. I am convinced that a child takes the greatest brunt of  these difficult times. A child is the most needy person in our society, and his greatest need is love."  How to Really Love Your Child : Ross Campbell. p.11-12.
Every parent wants to raise children who will succeed in life.
Each of us have particular skills and different philosophies which we work to make part of our children's lives to equip them for success in the future.
Some say there are three main areas of life we must consider to raise a successful child - their intellectual or academic development
                            - their physical development
                            - their spiritual development
BUT if a child hasn't learnt to CONTROL themselves, they won't go far in life, regardless of how clever or gifted they are in these things.
My kids ~ I remember times when my kids were out of control. Sometimes I really struggled as a mum, especially as more children came along. Our first four kids were born two years apart and then next three, three years apart. At times I was embarrassed publicly because of their lack of control. But this forced me to want to get help and find a solution to help them learn to control themselves.
As a young mum I was looking for solutions and they were given to me a piece at a time - through books, conversations or ideas that popped into my head.
As I worked at putting into practice the things I recognised as great ideas and common sense, I became more confident and encouraged as a parent.
At the same time my children were also changing for the better. The strong-willed ones were demonstrating the positive side of this character trait. There was less grumbling, arguing and less chaos. We were starting to experience a buoyancy in our family.
How did we get to this point? What brought the changes?
3 IDEAS THAT PROVIDED A SOLUTION ~
The first came through Ross Campbell's book "How to Really Love Your Child". He also co-authored "The Five Love Languages of Children".
IDEA No. 1 ~ A REALISTIC VIEW OF MY CHILDREN AND MY ROLE.
In his book Ross Campbell gave me a thought process that led me to how I needed to think.
" 1) they are children
   2) they will tend to act like children
   3) much of childish behaviour is unpleasant
   4) if I do my part as a parent and love them despite their childish behaviour, they will be able to mature and give up childish ways
   5) if I only love them when they please me (conditional love), and convey my love to them only during those times, they will not feel genuinely loved. This in turn will make them insecure, damage their self-image, and actually prevent them from moving on to better self-control and more mature behaviour. Therefore, their behaviour and its development is my  responsibility as much as theirs
   6) if I love them unconditionally, they will feel good about themselves and be comfortable with themselves. They will then be able to control their anxiety and, in turn, their behaviour, as they grow into adulthood
   7) if I only love them when they meet my requirements or expectations, they will feel incompetent. They will believe it is fruitless to do their best because it is never enough. Insecurity, anxiety, and low self-esteem will plague them. They will be constant hinderances in their emotional and behavioural growth. Again their total growth is as much my responsibility as theirs
   8) for my sake as a struggling parent, and for my son's (and daughter's) sakes, I pray my love for my children will be as unconditional as I can make it. The future of my children depend on this foundation." How to Really Love Your Child : Ross Campbell. p.30-31.
Here was a realistic description of what I was experiencing. Children being children. Here was an explanation for their bad emotional behaviour. I was already finding bits that I could see would lead me to a solution. I had to take up my responsibility as a parent in my child's emotional and behavioural development.
It started with regularly realigning my view of what they were like as children [ by reading 1) - 3)]
I found hope to persevere [ by reading 4) and 6)]
I was warned where not to head [ by reading 5) and 7)]. By thinking long and hard on the consequences of going the wrong way, I was pulled  back into the direction I wanted to go as a parent.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ spend time watching your kids play or work and to become more aware of where they are in themselves. Are they easily frustrated? Do they seem insecure? Look back on old photos of them. It may be helpful to compare what was happening then to what you see now.
Cathy

"CHICKS HAVE HENS AND TODDLERS HAVE IPADS"

 There is an clear order in the world.  An example of this is seen in parent  birds, who protect their young in their nest, nurture and feed them, teaching them the skills to set them up for life. These young creatures seek out and call for their parents.
A couple of weeks ago a clip was shown during our television news - you could call it an 'experiment'. It obviously alarmed the news presenter. It reminded me of a Youtube link I had seen a year ago which had deeply worried me at that time.
Here is the link ~
News video shown on ONENEWS New Zealand June 6 
It is normal today for mums to search for answers to their questions online, and there, as the presenter said, they find endless enthusiastic parents posting their babies playing with an iPad. 
With persuasive advertising, technology savvy adults and parents like all parent through history - keen "to do the best for their children", iPads rapidly are becoming the standard 'toy/educational device' for toddlers.
I wanted to write about this growing, worrying phenomena and checked back to a post I wrote two years ago on school-aged technology. 
The outcomes of regular technology use as described in this post, still stand. What has changed in the two years is the age that these dangers now kick-in. 
My old post  ~ 
"SHOULD THE SCREEN BE MY CHILD'S PLAY PAL?"
Have a look at these links if you are interested to read more ~
BBC NEWS - "LIMIT CHILDREN'S SCREEN TIME, EXPERT URGES"
THE TELEGRAPH - "TODDLERS BECOMING SO ADDICTED TO IPADS THEY REQUIRE THERAPY"
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~I don't want to be labelled the ANTI-TECHNOLOGY DRAMA QUEEN but the serious outcomes of allowing little children, toddlers, even babies, to have regular technology access, surely should drive us as parents to change our home and family habits in this area. Otherwise could it not be said that we are guilty of gross neglect in the care of these young children?
People parents can learn from bird parents, by upping our parent - child direct contact time, and putting away the iPad.
Cathy

"THE LOST ART OF LIVING ORDINARILY"

"As a member of western mainstream culture, I've been soaked in a set of values that places the individual on a pedestal and tells me to focus on things like reach for more! And fulfil your greatest potential! You know how it goes... get on that achievement treadmill - be better, smarter, and of course make sure that your children are brilliant and smart along with you!
Exhausting:
And there are many ways to climb on this treadmill, and they can all look quite different. ...
On thing I know; when I am on my treadmill, I sure don't feel contented. And I'm pretty sure my kids don't either. ...
In terms of parenting, consider what kind of model we provide to our kids when we're running on our customised version of the 'culturally sanctioned achievement treadmill'. What kind of life are we teaching them to create? .....
So much of our lives are taken up with very ordinary things. It can make us feel like life is passing us by, and so we seek the ecstatic and the peak moments. When we turn away from the ordinary, we miss out on being present to the beauty that it contains. When we sit into ordinariness, often contentment may be right there for the taking. ..."
PARENTING LIKE AN ORDINARY HUMAN: Embracing 'Ordinariness' as a Pathway to True Contentment. Hilary Jackson. The Natural Parent Magazine New Zealand. Summer 2012/13.
"Ordinary = belonging to or occurring in regular custom or practice; normal, customary, usual." Oxford Dictionary.
Some people love the normal, usual and familiar things. But apparently increasingly today, people want to move away from the regular and the ordinary, as design your-own-meal restaurants indicate and the huge number of hair colour dye options prove. This want to depart from the ordinary, is influencing how we choose to live.
I like the sentence in the quote above, "So much of our lives are taken up with very ordinary things." Being ordinary, in a sense is inescapable, but there is this push to block it out and instead maximise the extraordinary in its various expressions.
Hilary Jackson's article suggests that seeking "the ecstatic and the peak moments", has become not only a regular and normal thought pattern but a planned lifestyle in many families. She refers to this as climbing on "the achievement treadmill" and says there are many ways to get onto such a treadmill.
Do you personally feel you are running on a treadmill pumped with aspirations of achievement or dominated by the want to be distinctive?
There is nothing wrong with being an achiever, being distinctive, or reading books and watching movies about these subjects. A problem only comes when achieving becomes our staple diet and focus, distracting us from ordinary living.
Hilary asks a question of families focused on achieving, "What kind of life are we teaching them (our children) to create?" 
She advocates families incorporate the ordinary in their lives to offset the dangers of an achievement dominated lifestyle. Unfortunately her article does not explain how to go about this.
The answer, however, rests with parents.
Only parents can establish a proper view of the ordinary into their family's life, and here are 2 practical ways you can do it:~

1. By modelling a happy, relaxed attitude toward ordinary daily household jobs and happenings. Vacuuming the floor, cleaning up after a meal, going back to turn off the dripping tap, changing yet another filthy nappy.... We need a positive attitude that says "this is normal", not a dramatic, big-deal inconvenience. It can be done as we chat or do something we enjoy, keeping it low-key, making it blend into the other things of the day.

I am purely stating the point here, as I have written many posts about how to teach children household jobs, giving them a normal mindset towards  their responsibilities at home. 

2. By adopting a lifestyle which isn't achievement dominated. Today the  obsession to achieve and be distinctive is a trap that is so easily fallen into. I see this in my family and myself. They may be great pursuits, honourable intensions and plans which will bring enormous help to needy people, radical and innovative ideas which should be made known - all worthy things to spend our time on. But if these things dominate our thinking and control our life so that the ordinary simple matters of everyday living, including natural family communication, barely fit in the day, then we have climbed onto the achievement treadmill, and this is the approach to life we demonstrate and offer to our family.

No matter if the children are pre-schoolers or in their twenties, a parent's achievement dominated lifestyle speaks loudly to children. It says many things, including, "this is how we choose to live life", "I'm just busy with this right now and can't spend time with you", "this really is more important for me to give my time to"....

For parents in high-powered careers, this is a difficult area to face, let alone adjust. Each person needs to honestly weigh up their choices and make fitting changes, as the consequences of staying on the achievement treadmill are not bright, especially for our children.

I am always challenged and get a perspective straightener when I read about people living in extremely difficult circumstances. This morning I read an author's account of her father, the true story about Joe, an incredible achiever -

"Joe's birthplace had been a nice two-storey family home in Denver, which his gambling father lost soon after Joe was born. Moving to a small farm to begin again, Joe's father and mother both slowly sickened with tuberculosis and eventually left their four young sons and two tiny daughters orphans to fend for themselves.

Was  Joe the "Cinderella"? The other boys had their father's dashing good looks; the little girls were beautiful; Joe was homely. In any case, it was eleven-year-old Joe, third of the four boys, who dropped out of school to farm and care for the two little sisters and help put his brothers through college.

Ten schoolless years later, when the boys had their diplomas and the girls were situated in homes as domestic help, Joe himself started back to school, crammed junior high and high school subjects to pass an entrance exam, and put himself through college as well.

The third fall on campus, when Joe saw incoming freshman Mary Weible under that tree - for him, everything was new. He proved to her his worth through outrageous effort; he worked both day- and night-jobs, he got straight A's, and he became colonel of the college R.O.T.C. And from the beginning, he romanced her and won her and tenderly nicknamed her Betty.

Six years later, when Joe had his new commission in the U.S. Army, he and Betty were married. Almost immediately World War 1 called him from his nearly completed Ph.D. program and put him on active duty. That changed their life direction, and therefore Mother was his "lady" - through thirty-plus years in the Army and twenty-plus more years as editor-in-chief of a military publishing company."

Disciplines of the Home: Anne Ortlund.

Here is a hard worker, regardless of the situation he was determined to achieve. But although his achieving must have taken a lot of his time, the rest of Joe's story proves he was not achievement dominated. He kept the ordinary firmly in his life.

There seems to be a choice and how each person makes that choice to be involved in the ordinary of family life, will be unique. 

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ all the best to you as you think about these things with your family.

Cathy

"WHAT IS THE POINT OF MAKING FAMILY MEMORIES?"

"The more children knew about their family's history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned."
"...the ones who knew more about their families proved to be more resilient, meaning they could moderate the effects of stress.
Why does knowing where your grandmother went to school help a child overcome something as minor as a skinned knee or as major as a terrorist attack?
'The answers have to do with a child's sense of being part of a larger family.' Dr Duke said." 
"THE FAMILY STORIES THAT BIND US" : Bruce Feiler. Read the full article in last week's post.
I wanted to pick up and talk about this great quote again this week because I like Dr Duke's emphasis, that a child needs to have a sense "of being part of a larger family" and that this equips children for the toughest experiences of life. There are so many ways, as the article says, that a family can go about giving a child the secure feel of connection with siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and beyond. Making family memories is one such way.
Here are 11 reasons which answer the question - WHAT IS THE POINT OF MAKING FAMILY MEMORIES?
 1.  they give opportunities to express love to each other
 2.  they bring the element of fun into the family
 3.  they bring the family together to experience something in common
 4.  they build a family identity
 5.  they encourage growth of connectivity between children and parents
 6.  they develop a sense of belonging
 7.  they foster a commitment to one another
 8.  they set-up habits for the future, including the want to come home and be with the family
 9.  they are times where you can talk about and hand on the things of life which are important to you
 10.  they create a strong awareness of security both within the family and in individuals
 11.  they provide experiences for children to build a stronger sense of self within their family
As for suggestions of how to make family memories, there's loads of ideas online to choose from. Just google "making family memories" to read of traditional as well as completely new ideas such as geocaching which my relatives in Australia love to do as a family memory maker.
My friend Glen, recently discussed the subject of making memories with some mums. Drawing their attention to everyday opportunities which can be made into memories, she gave these excellent points. 
"Neurologically we remember things by association, for example, the smell, the sound, the emotion we felt. All these help us recall something.
For example, every time you have morning tea and read stories, you remember a tray set with a flower or candle, everyone was happy and calm, the smell of the coffee and muffins cooking, nothing was required of you, you got to cuddle up on the sofa together and just enjoy the dreamland of listening to the story. So whenever morning tea is mentioned the family recalls these good memory moments and you want to reproduce it."  "...candles lit at table for mealtimes.... plates and cups of beauty to say we value the people there for this occasion, and the crafts people who created the cups, candleholder, meal. You have a story  because things are not in isolation, they involve creative people, handcraft and labour. Creativity is what makes humans stand out from all other creatures."
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ have a think about a sobering quote I came across from Dr Michele Borba - "Pretend it's twenty years in the future and you're at the family reunion. What will you and your family remember about this time in their lives?"
Cathy

"A SIMPLE SOLUTION TO PREVENT YOUR FAMILY FALLING APART"

Sorry, not the greatest photo here from the 'models', but I hope you get the point.
What I am putting up this week is an article I found completely 'out of the blue', while I was researching a few weeks back. "The Family Stories That Bind Us" is written by Bruce Feiler and was on the NYTimes.com site.
" I hit the breaking point as a parent a few years ago. It was the week of my extended family’s annual gathering in August, and we were struggling with assorted crises. My parents were aging; my wife and I were straining under the chaos of young children; my sister was bracing to prepare her preteens for bullying, sex and cyberstalking.
Sure enough, one night all the tensions boiled over. At dinner, I noticed my nephew texting under the table. I knew I shouldn’t say anything, but I couldn’t help myself and asked him to stop.
Ka-boom! My sister snapped at me to not discipline her child. My dad pointed out that my girls were the ones balancing spoons on their noses. My mom said none of the grandchildren had manners. Within minutes, everyone had fled to separate corners.
Later, my dad called me to his bedside. There was a palpable sense of fear I couldn’t remember hearing before.
“Our family’s falling apart,” he said.
“No it’s not,” I said instinctively. “It’s stronger than ever.”
But lying in bed afterward, I began to wonder: Was he right? What is the secret sauce that holds a family together? What are the ingredients that make some families effective, resilient, happy?
.... Myth-shattering research has reshaped our understanding of dinnertime, discipline and difficult conversations. Trendsetting programs from Silicon Valley and the military have introduced techniques for making teams function better.
The only problem: most of that knowledge remains ghettoized in these subcultures, hidden from the parents who need it most. I spent the last few years trying to uncover that information, meeting families, scholars and experts ranging from peace negotiators to online game designers to Warren Buffett’s bankers.
After a while, a surprising theme emerged. The single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of all: develop a strong family narrative.
I first heard this idea from Marshall Duke, a colorful psychologist at Emory University. In the mid-1990s, Dr. Duke was asked to help explore myth and ritual in American families.
.... Around that time, Dr. Duke’s wife, Sara, a psychologist who works with children with learning disabilities, noticed something about her students.
“The ones who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face challenges,” she said.
Her husband was intrigued, and along with a colleague, Robyn Fivush, set out to test her hypothesis. They developed a measure called the “Do You Know?” scale that asked children to answer 20 questions.
Examples included: Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know an illness or something really terrible that happened in your family? Do you know the story of your birth?
Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush asked those questions of four dozen families in the summer of 2001, and taped several of their dinner table conversations. They then compared the children’s results to a battery of psychological tests the children had taken, and reached an overwhelming conclusion. The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned. The “Do You Know?” scale turned out to be the best single predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness.
“We were blown away,” Dr. Duke said.
And then something unexpected happened. Two months later was Sept. 11. As citizens, Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush were horrified like everyone else, but as psychologists, they knew they had been given a rare opportunity: though the families they studied had not been directly affected by the events, all the children had experienced the same national trauma at the same time. The researchers went back and reassessed the children.
“Once again,” Dr. Duke said, “the ones who knew more about their families proved to be more resilient, meaning they could moderate the effects of stress.”
Why does knowing where your grandmother went to school help a child overcome something as minor as a skinned knee or as major as a terrorist attack?
“The answers have to do with a child’s sense of being part of a larger family,” Dr. Duke said.
Psychologists have found that every family has a unifying narrative, he explained, and those narratives take one of three shapes.
First, the ascending family narrative: “Son, when we came to this country, we had nothing. Our family worked. We opened a store. Your grandfather went to high school. Your father went to college. And now you. ...”
Second is the descending narrative: “Sweetheart, we used to have it all. 
Then we lost everything.”
“The most healthful narrative,” Dr. Duke continued, “is the third one. It’s called the oscillating family narrative: ‘Dear, let me tell you, we’ve had ups and downs in our family. We built a family business. Your grandfather was a pillar of the community. Your mother was on the board of the hospital. But we also had setbacks. You had an uncle who was once arrested. We had a house burn down. Your father lost a job. But no matter what happened, we always stuck together as a family.’ ”
Dr. Duke said that children who have the most self-confidence have what he and Dr. Fivush call a strong “intergenerational self.” They know they belong to something bigger than themselves.
.... Jim Collins, a management expert and author of “Good to Great,” told me that successful human enterprises of any kind, from companies to countries, go out of their way to capture their core identity. In Mr. Collins’s terms, they “preserve core, while stimulating progress.” The same applies to families, he said.
Mr. Collins recommended that families create a mission statement similar to the ones companies and other organizations use to identify their core values.
.... Dr. Duke recommended that parents pursue (history-building)...  activities with their children. Any number of occasions work to convey this sense of history: holidays, vacations, big family get-togethers, even a ride to the mall. The hokier the family’s tradition, he said, the more likely it is to be passed down. He mentioned his family’s custom of hiding frozen turkeys and canned pumpkin in the bushes during Thanksgiving so grandchildren would have to “hunt for their supper,” like the Pilgrims.
“These traditions become part of your family,” Dr. Duke said.
Decades of research have shown that most happy families communicate effectively. But talking doesn’t mean simply “talking through problems,” as important as that is. Talking also means telling a positive story about yourselves. When faced with a challenge, happy families, like happy people, just add a new chapter to their life story that shows them overcoming the hardship. This skill is particularly important for children, whose identity tends to get locked in during adolescence.
The bottom line: if you want a happier family, create, refine and retell the story of your family’s positive moments and your ability to bounce back from the difficult ones. That act alone may increase the odds that your family will thrive for many generations to come."
MARCH 15 2013 http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/17/fashion/the-family-stories-that-bind-us-this-life.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1&
There's a number of wonderful points in this article with cause mums and dads to desire to get-going and put this into action in their family. It is plain and  simple and 'rings true', because it directs families back to what many have forgotten to do - talk of the past, listen to parents tell of their background, find pleasure in our own family history, be honest about family mistakes and difficulties.
Many cultures for generations have invested great amounts of time doing just this, handing on their history through story telling.
We have been involved in this in my husband's family. 
He comes from a very large extended family, who have had the fortune of keeping connected for over 100 years. My husband's grandfather was one of 9 boys, and the place where they all grew up, west of Auckland, is still owned by many of the descendants. 
Our branch meet out there each ANZAC Day.
Nearly twenty years ago, there was a strong disagreement within our branch of the family. The effect at the time was devastating and continued to be so for a few years, until my husband initiated this get-together each April on ANZAC Day for all the  members in our family branch. 
At first it was awkward, some would come while others wouldn't. Gradually things started to improve and now there are natural, even strong relations across most of the family. 
What we do at those ANZAC Day get-togethers has been the medicine that's brought healing - and the article above showed me why.
Each year my husband gets one, two or three people to speak for 10 - 15 minutes about some aspect of the family's past. Topic such as, The Four Formidable Aunts, Uncle Jack's four years as a Prisoner-of-War, Uncle Grahame the Bomber Pilot (he gave that himself), Aunty Audie and Uncle Brian's Wedding in Papua New Guinea, Early Memories about Holidays Here, and so many more.
The few hours we are together in the sun or squashed inside, are filled with talking across four generations, eating, laughing, at times supporting those living in tragedies, but everyone leaves smiling, more connected, respectful and thankful for each other because we have been made aware again, that we ARE connected through our common history. 
I am not saying that our extended family is all sweetness, but being together and reminded of the history we share, is certainly building a strong family in terms of living well through tragedies including life-threatening diseases and life-changing accidents. - "They know they belong to something bigger than themselves."
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS~ Start sharing some of your past with your kids. The questions I underlined in the article may help you to set-off.
Cathy.

"CHILD-ADULTS"

"If the biannual tyranny of skeletal models - male and female - strutting down catwalks in New York, Milan, Paris and London wasn't bad enough, now there's a whole new demographic. In late March, for the first time, London played host to Kids Fashion Week where, for an afternoon, a parade of 'professional child models' and children of professional models mimicked the weird walks of their adult counterparts while showing off the latest designer kiddie looks.
To those of us who grew up in that decade of sartorial challenge - the 1970s, where the height of child chic was OshKosh dungarees and hand-me-downs - the very notion that there should be fashion for children, let alone catwalk shows, is anathema. Surely the whole point of being a child is that you don't have to care what you look like?
Not any more. Perhaps it's the influence of celebrities such as Katie Holmes (whose six-years-old daughter Suri Cruise is already a style icon, her looks copied and discussed), or the likes of Jay-Z and his wife Beyonce devoting an entire Pinterest page to styling their new tot Blue Ivy.
Children's fashion is now a 500million Pound (around NZ$900m) industry and that's just in Britain. More pertinently, it is the only expanding sector of the fashion industry worldwide - thus, I suppose, Kids Fashion Week.
The kinds of child-looks making waves on the catwalk were not conducive to tree climbing of mud pies. Armani Junior showed ice-cream shades of taupe and peppermint with a boy's leather jacket at NZ$730, a girl's handbag at $240 and a girl's silk grey dress at $305. Even less likely to be a good bet for glitter fun or finger painting was a red silk scallop dress - for a four-year-old - by Chloe: a snip at around $2200.
Imagine the look on the yummy mummy's face when the dress gets daubed with choccy and ketchup. Even worse is the idea that the poor mite might be so terrified of wrecking such expensive clobber that she'd stick to water - or perhaps not eat a thing.
The rich are different.But the problem with Kids Fashion Week - and indeed the way every high street brand now does junior versions of its adult kit - is the pressure it puts on children to define themselves not by what they are or do but by what they wear and look like from an alarmingly early age. ....
What I worry about is the quotidian creep of children constantly being made aware of their 'look'. It's wrong for sartorial anxiety to be part of childhood at all. Children shouldn't be agonising over whether the Converse or the Uggs are more fitting, what brand their T-shirt is or whether social death will follow an unhappy pairing of top and trouser. We should be teaching our children that it is what is inside that counts, not the outfit."
SUNDAY TIMES MAGAZINE, 12/05/13. STYLE STARTING YOUNG : ELEANOR MILLS.
Kids' fashion, it's been around for ages, decades, if not longer!
The idea of making children more "aware of their fashion look" to some parents would be a positive thing, as some children show no interest in what they wear, or are locked-in on one article of clothing or colour which is permanently 'on'.
Eleanor Mills' article, however, certainly gets our attention with, "But the problem... is the pressure it puts on children to define themselves not by what they are or do but by what they wear and look like from an alarmingly young age." and again, "What I worry about is the quotidian creep of children constantly being made aware of their 'look'. It's wrong for sartorial anxiety to be part of childhood at all"...
For those of us who need the definitions -
"quotidian" ~ ordinary, everyday occurrence.
"sartorial" ~ tailoring, clothes, style of dress.
The concern Eleanor Mills speaks of is valid, and this is what I  want to discuss in this post.
The real issue or 'damage' here is bigger than kids just becoming overly interested in their fashion and how they look. Let's be honest, the experience described above is only one example of "Child-Adults", where children experience life as though they were adults.
Children are taken to participate in the adult world via a variety of means. Here's some examples ~
* VIA the entertainment they watch - TV, movies, DVDs, You tube, computer and screen games...
* VIA the social situations they participate in - attendance at parties, being present at adult social situation both at home and out...
* VIA the conversations that happen while they are present - adult conversations/disagreements, parents discussing topics inappropriate for children with adult friends...
* VIA the hoisting of children years ahead of their age in sport, culturally or academically - children who are 'pushed', 'worked on' and accelerated up the line in these disciplines. (Some children are incredibly gifted however, and absolutely love their sport or studies. To them the fast speed they progress is pure pleasure to them)
* VIA giving children far too much responsibility, or the opposite, too much independence and freedom for their age.
When children are made to be "child-adults", their child mindset is being changed to become like the mindset of an adult. 
Kay S. Hymowitz has written a short article, "Ready or Not: What Happens When We Treat Children as Small Adults" http://www.manhattan-institute.org/html/ready_or_not.htm .
This is what she says ~ 

“Children today grow up so fast!” How often we hear those words, uttered both in frustrated good humor and in dumbfounded astonishment. Every day the American people hear about kids doing things, both good and bad, that were once thought to be well beyond their scope; flying airplanes, running companies, committing mass murder. Creatures of the information age, today’s children sometimes seem to know more than their parents; in short, they are becoming sophisticated beyond their years. This leads us to wonder: Is childhood becoming extinct?

In Ready or Not, Kay S. Hymowitz offers a startling new interpretation of what makes our children tick and where the moral anomie of today’s children comes from. She reveals how our ideas about childrearing itself have been transformed, perniciously, in response to the theories of various “experts”—educators, psychologists, lawyers, media executives—who have encouraged us to view children as small adults, autonomous actors who know what is best for themselves and who have no need for adult instruction or supervision. Today’s children and teenagers have been encouraged by their parents and teachers to function as individuals to such an extent that they make practically every decision on their own, including what values they will adhere to. The idea of childhood as a time of limited competence, in which adults prepare the young for maturity, has fallen into disrepute; independence has become not the reward of time, but rather something that our children have come to expect and demand and increasingly younger ages.

One of the great ironies of turning our children into small adults is that American society has become less successful at producing truly mature men and women. When sophisticated children to grow up, they often find themselves unable to accept real adult responsibilities. Thus we see more people in their twenties and thirties living like children, unwilling to embark on careers or to start families. Until we recognize that children are different from grownups and need to be nurtured as such, Hymowitz argues, our society will be hollow at its core."

Hymonwitz gives parents things to think about. Are we are accepting the idea thrown around in the world about what children are and what our role as a parent is? This is a topic I have recently written on for my up-coming business to practically help parents.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ let them be KIDS. Give them lots of time to do child-orientated things. Keep material which is a source of adult behaviour patterns, to a minimum. Spend some time thinking about where you can go with what you have read here.

Cathy