This is the first of 3 posts on how parents can teach respect.
“The
more our children see love, forgiveness, humour, creativity, good money
sense, tidiness, or RESPECT in our lives, the more likely they are to pick it
up. We need to give it to them, model it in our lives and in this way we give
them a better idea of what RESPECT is.”
CHARLOTTE MASON – an English educationalist
of the 19th – 20th century.
We all have memories of someone demanding
something of us but failing to practice it themselves – the boss who demanded
punctuality but was regularly late and left early, or the teacher who stressed
the need for clear handwriting but wrote in hieroglyphics… “Actions speak
louder than words”.
And so it is for us as parents. If we want
our children to respect us and others, then we must first model what respect
is, by respecting our children.
Here are three areas we can check ourselves
on, to see how we are doing in being examples of respect.
1. HOW WE COMMUNICATE.
(a) Do you listen to your child when they
talk to you? Do you look at them? Do you shift your thoughts and tune fully in
to the words being said to you? Does your body language and face express
connection with them?
(b) Do you interrupt your child when they
are speaking? Do you feel you need to grab the moment their attention is turned
to you, and remind them of something or give them some instruction? Have you
decided that what they are saying is of lesser importance than what you want to
say? Are you irritated that they are speaking and interrupting your
moment/thoughts/what you were involved in?
© Do you ‘talk down’ to your child? Do you
‘baby’ them or speak to them as though they are younger than they really are?
Do you only speak about ‘kiddy’ stuff with them, believing their mind couldn’t
handle anything ‘adult’? Or do you talk about ‘adult’ stuff but reduce it down
to an insipid level – bite-sized, ready for consumption?
(d) Do you use words and tones of voice
that ‘speak’ respect to your child? Does your voice emotion have a hint of
boredom, routine or mechanical repetition? Are you caring and careful in the
words you select to speak to your child?
These simple behaviours repeatedly called
on daily, are the means of displaying how a person is meant to communicate with
people. In the past this style of respect was thought of as a common decency
that all people were to display.
2. ALLOWING THEM TO CHOOSE AND MAKE
DECISIONS.
Life for children is learning, often
learning through making mistakes, rethinking and trying again, more mistakes
and eventually improving in their decision making skills. (We could remove
“children” in the last sentence
and put in our own name – we’re still learning) But it only happens with lots
of practice, practice to choose and make decisions in the little everyday
things. What areas are you happy to let your child have choice in? Did you let
them choose what clothes or shoes they wore today? What toys they get out to
play with? How to arrange their room? What colours to paint their walls? When
to start on their homework? Areas of choice must be development and age
relevant. When parents give such opportunities they show they respect the child
believing they are capable of making these choices.
3. GIVING KIDS TIME AND SPACE TO THINK,
IMAGINE AND DREAM.
This is time where either kids are alone or
we are very much in the background. Sometimes these moments just happen, other
times they need to be found. Some children are natural day-dreamers moving from
one dreamy experience to the next. But for others, particularly if they are
screen dependent, the idea of ‘dreaming’, is foreign. These children need help
to find the value of dreaming.
- a camping holiday with
only the basics
- a trip to the beach with
only simple play things – even in winter
- a long bush walk with
some challenges
- a long train, bus, car
trip can also become such a time
if the technology is
turned off
Quietness is not essential, but conditions
must allow the child to be able to sustain their own thoughts with out
interruptions.
- it can be as simple as
providing time to play in the bath
- swing on the swing
- watch the rain out the
window
- listening to the noise
birds make gathering at sunset
These experiences develop so many
undetectable aspects of thought, self control, sustained concentration, comfort
in being alone, and the learning of relaxation.
By encouraging your child to spend time in
these ways – thinking, imagining, dreaming, you show them respect because
you’re viewing them as a person, understanding they need time to be left alone
and develop.
If we generously show respect to our
children in these and other ways, our investment gives them a great base to take off from and become people
who are respectful and respected.
Charlotte Mason also wrote –
“If we respect our children and bring them
up treating them as a person they will have been loved, talked with, listened
to, read to and they will have confidence, be enthusiastic, out-going and
creative.” – and I also add, be respectful.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ if your thoughts were
grabbed by any point above, go back and read it again, then decide how you want
to action it this week with your kids.
No comments:
Post a Comment