WEEK 26 QU0TE 26

THE PIKE RIVER MINE DISASTER 
"At least 10 children have fathers trapped in the Pike River coal mine - . . . . More than 10 others go anxiously through their primary school routines while their fathers prepare to enter the burning, gassy, potentially explosive mine to rescue their mates, trapped underground since the explosion on Friday afternoon. . . . .
At local schools, all appears normal, at least at a distance. But on a closer look, everyone is affected.
A 13-year-old girl said her brother was friends with the young trapped miner, Joseph Dunbar, 17. Her friend has an uncle stuck underground. She is chatty, cheery and seemingly in good spirits - but that is not the full story.
'You have to keep strong for everyone,' she said, and for a moment the gravity of the situation flashed across her face. . . .
Grey Main Primary School principal Mandy O'Sullivan said 12 Pike River miners had children at her school, though none were trapped.
Ten others are part of Mines Rescue, ready to enter the hazardous mine when conditions clear. . . .
'At this stage, the students have been exceptionally brave in a time of uncertainty,' Ms O'Sullivan said.
The children had been reassured and encouraged to talk honestly about the situation, and they had not been overdramatic, she said. '[But] they're anxious like the rest of us, really.'
It was important that parents sent their children to school and made sure they had consistency, she said.
Many parents kept their children home on Monday, but most turned up yesterday. . . 
'We feel it's important to keep routines as normal as possible.' "
THE NEW ZEALAND HERALD Wednesday 24 2010. Children Still to Realize Miners' Plight : Michael Dickison


The tragic sadness of the Pike River mine disaster over this past week here in New Zealand, has been another reminder of REAL life, with its wide gamut of experiences - emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
Of course this mine disaster is at one extreme of life experiences. None-the-less it does throw out a challenge to us as parents to question ourselves as to if we bring our children into contact with the extremes that life can have. Or are we only working at keeping things 'tidy' and comfortable?
This past week I have been asking myself - how would my children today, deal with the loss of a father, a brother or close loved-one?
Pike River coal chief executive, Peter Whittall and police superintendent Gary Knowles, have been examples of strength of character to marvel at. In all world catastrophes throughout time, we have known similar calibre. But would my children - even as adults, be amongst that group of 'resilient' people?


How do we as parents, 'build' these aspects into our children's character? 
Maybe there is help in thinking on the comments that we have heard many times in the last days on our TV news programs. Many people on "the Coast"  when asked how they will cope, have talked of the region's 'resilience', that has come from living and working through previous trials and difficulties of the past. Possibly this is a clue, a help, a question for us as parents to think on. Are we allowing the natural smaller difficulties of life that come our way, especially come our children's way, to be a positive practice ground for their future?


I'd love your thoughts and ideas here.
What do you think?
How can we in practical terms equip our children to 'do well' in a huge, life-changing tragedy?


THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS
Cathy

WEEK 25 QUOTE 25

"My father died when I was three, leaving my mother to raise three kids on her own. My mother was adamant about raising her kids to be independent, self-sufficient members of society. . . 
My mother would punctuate each comment with the reminder that she had to figure it out after my father died. She did not want her children to face the same fate . . . She felt cheated because he had left so soon. I knew. . . that my mother had filled me with her anger and sadness over losing my father. I realized I had never been told by my mother what to expect from a man, so all this time I had been flying blind.
What about these women who had to grow up hearing complaints that their father was never around. What about these mothers who have faced a bitter divorce? Are they projecting all their drama on their kids as well? Has this created a generation of hurt, angry women who only know how to be single?. . . ."
"Mothers Raising Girls to be Single" : Audrey Irvine.  May 6  2010.


This post is PART 4 of  "WHAT DAUGHTERS NEED FROM THEIR MOTHERS".


4.  EQUIPPING FOR THE FUTURE.
A.  Attitude to Men
Audrey Irvine's account describes  how her mother's experience and attitude towards her husband, affected Audrey's attitude to men. Later in this article she speaks of the change in her attitude to men that came three weeks before her mother's death, when she talked at length about her husband's great humor and good nature. For the first time Audrey realized her mother's fears, caused by the loss of her husband as a young mum, had affected how she represented men to her daughter. Mum's fears and disappointments had been transferred to daughter Audrey.


A mother sends clear information to her daughter about the importance, the value and her personal attitude about men. It is communicated through her actions, her words, her looks, her behaviour, her priorities towards her husband, her sons, and men and boys who regularly are a part of their life.


These sometimes subtle, unconscious actions are powerful directives to a watching daughter.


Of course there are times when all husbands disappoint, irritate or annoy their wives, just as we do likewise to them. The point is as Audrey Irvine made, that as mothers we need to be sure to communicate to our daughter, the full  picture of who their father is. The constant put-down, criticism and registration of irritation through body language, facial expressions, behaviour and words, give a complete negative about men to our daughters.   (You may like to read William Leith's comments on dads being represented in children's literature as hopeless and useless, in my post  "Absent Fathers"  WEEK 14  QUOTE 14) 


Daughters need to see, hear and observe the full story of who their dad is through our reactions to him, which form her future attitude to men in general.


If you find you are prone to too much criticism of your daughter's father, you can work at adding a true positive comment about him to the conversation.


B.  Flexibility for Multi - 'Occupations'
Women of most cultures through out history have lived through the changing sequence of 'occupations' or 'seasons'. A woman's life does not stand still. Along with these changing occupations, her life has several parts or strands simultaneously moving along, merging and diverging all at the same time. Some women are very successful in living a full, busy and humming-along lifestyle, while others of us feel it is more like a chaotic traffic-jam.


How can a mother equip her daughter to be flexibly prepared for the multi-occupations and the several stranded life that is ahead for her?


It is through teaching life skills to her from childhood and through their teenage years.
 ~  how to plan, grow, shop for and cook food - from small beginnings to the real deal. . . 
 ~  how to organize, maintain, tidy and clean - a drawer, a cupboard, a room, the house. . . 
 ~  how to learn about a new job, to assist someone doing the job, to independently do the job, to 
        teach the job to another. . .
 ~  how to choose, buy, mend, wash and care for clothes. . .
 ~  how to earn, save, invest, spend and give away money. . .


In teaching these things to our girls, we give them a great asset whatever they become in the future.


The regular practice of multi tasking, the awareness of several things going on at once and learning discernment to decide what IS important or needs attention now, are rare but much-needed skills.
A girl brought up fully involved in real-life jobs and responsibilities of a family, learns such skills.
Here she can practice and develop the flexibility to adjust to the many aspects of her future role as  a           career woman,      a wife,       a woman that works,     a mother,      a voluntary aid worker,       a support person,        a combination of any of the above    and MORE.


C.  Learning About Sex.
Generally speaking women seem to be more open in discussing sex with their daughters, than are dads with their sons. Our culture is obsessed with the subject and unfortunately sex seems to be made a part of things that actually have nothing to do with it. As a result the intended beauty of sex is daily being perverted to young and old alike. 


As a mother don't leave it all to your daughter's school to do the 'educating' in this important area of life.  (If you need reasons why, read my last post, on Modesty WEEK 24  QUOTE 24)


I am personally not incredibly gifted in mathematics, so I would never attempt to educate my daughter in maths without buying a math textbook I felt would equip me to do the task. The same with talking with my daughter about sex.





Here's some suggestions ~
"The Story of Me" : Stan and Brenna Jones
"Before I was Born" : Carolyn Nystrom
"What's the Big Deal" : Stan and Brenna Jones
"Facing the Facts" : Stan and Brenna Jones
All of the books in the ATTITUDE series are great.    www.attitude.org.nz
   "Sex with Attitude, A Relationship Handbook"
   "Hardwired, A Handbook for Growing, Inhaling and Injecting Life"
   "Attitude, A Handbook for Your Head"
The book "Ten Talks Parents Must Have with Their Children About Sex and Character" :Pepper Schwartz and Dominic Cappella, seems to be an extremely useful and popular book. It asks parents to identify their own values and views on religion and ethics and then assists you to teach these in the context of sex education with your children.


Whatever you do,  DON'T neglect being personally involved in this part of your daughter's life - she needs you there with her. The intimacy and closeness of the subject requires a mum to be prepared to lovingly discuss it with honesty and openness.  In the future both you and she will be grateful for the time you invested.


THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS  teach your daughter a new home skill while chatting about dad in a positive way, and if age appropriate you could talk about sex, too.
Cathy

WEEK 24 QUOTE 24

"Female modesty is not some artificial way of  'dampening down one's allure',  nor is it ..... a mere distaste for  'skimpy swimming suits'.  It's much richer than that. Modesty is a reflex, arising naturally to help a woman protect her hopes and guide their fulfillment - specifically this hope of one man ..... Of course, along with this hope comes a certain vulnerability, because every time a man fails to stick by us, our hopes are, in a sense, dashed. This is where modesty fits in. For modesty armed this special vulnerability - not to oppress women, but with the aim of putting them on an equal footing with men. The delay modesty created, not only made it more likely that women could select men who would stick by them, but in turning lust into love, it changed men from uncivilized males who ran after as many sexual partners as they can get, to men who really wanted to stick by one woman."
Wendy Shalit : "A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue"
I highly recommend reading Wendy Shalit's "wise, fresh and funny" book.


This is PART 3 of  WHAT GIRLS NEED FROM THEIR MOTHERS


Today modesty is definitely a word and practice that is out-of-fashion, in fact so OUT that most people hardly know what it is.


3.  WHAT IS MODESTY?
* Being shy and quiet.
* Covering up parts of the female body to prevent being embarrassed.
* Feeling uncomfortable from having no personal privacy.
* A style of behaviour and living seen in women in the Austin, Bronte and Trollope nineteenth 
       century dramas.
* "A kind of armour of hope."
* A frame of reference from which men accept and respect a women's "no".
* Protecting one's innocence.


How have we come to be where we are now, not just ignorant of what a word means, but ignorant of a part of our female nature? Our ignorance is so great that we have swapped the truth for a lie, so to speak, and accepted ~
     ~ the loss of going steady
    ~ the loss of personal dignity and embarrassment
     ~ the damage to the mindset of children toward sex and one another
    ~ the  'celebrate our body'  attitude of secondary schools and universities
     ~ the avalanche of  'victim'  letters of insecurity that fill glossy female magazines
   ~ "agreeing that women are sexual objects, nothing more, and exist only to gratify men"
    ~  accepting light court sentencing for rape offenders
   ~ "that virginity is something to be gotten rid of, the sooner the better and experience is what is  
            to  be valued


We have allowed this for the sake of being thought of as ~    "Independent",            "non sexist",               not sexually repressed,    "tough - just like men",           being "a bad girl" as evidence of maturity,
   having "life experience",        thinking "sex is no big deal",         "getting right to the point".


So many girls  no longer think of themselves as having value, rather they see all that along with shyness and embarrassment as irrelevant. What they think IS relevant is to be "mature", by making advances to boys, to "sleep around just like men do"  and to "get the experience"!


"Many children these days know far too much too soon, and as a result they end up in some fundamental way, not knowing - stunted and cut off from all that could be. If you are not taught that you really want 'just sex', you end up seeking much more.. The peculiar way our culture tries to prevent young women from seeking more than 'just sex', the way it attempts to rid us of our romantic hopes or ..... our embarrassment and our 'hang ups',  is a very misguided effort. It is no less than an attempt to cure womanhood itself, and in many cases it has actually put us in danger."


So are girls doomed to a future of thinking of themselves and behaving as an object? Certainly not.  A mother can impact how her daughter can precede in this area.


Girls and women have been confused by society and sex education, so mothers need to clearly counter this philosophy.
1. We first must give girls an honest view (such as presented in Wendy Shalit's book) about the culture they live in - the cons and arguments they may be tempted by, the pressure from boys to oblige them, the pressure to be cool, the lengths or amount of alcohol needed to "numb ourselves to go through with it", where this lifestyle leads, and what this lifestyle says of the value of women.


2. Our girls need to understand there is a difference between the sexual areas of their body (which are private and not to be touched or shared with others ) and other areas of the body. To have a healthy respect for their body and pride in protecting themselves.


3. We need to encourage our daughters to listen to their conscience of self and feelings of fear, to be aware of thoughts, feelings and reactions of embarrassment. 
EG.  ~ trying to cover their breasts with their arms when wearing a tight top or top with exposed cleavage when in particular company.
        ~ regularly and repeatedly needing reassurance that they "look OK".
        ~ their over rowdy behaviour receiving unwanted attention from boys.
        ~ clutching the edges of a slit skirt together on a windy day in a public place.
These are internal signs (all part of modesty) speaking to us that we are near a personal boundary, feel awkward,  and may need to reassess what we are doing. 


4. Wendy Shalit puts this point bluntly - that if young women look like a hooker, they will be thought to be one, and attract the appropriate wrong kind of men.  Repeat conversations of the first point so the consequences of this, are fully understood.


5.  We need to explain the 'misunderstanding' or the lie that so many girls have, that to sleep with a boy will solidify the relationship. The problem is that this is not how the boy sees it.  Or of living with a man in the hope of marriage.


6.  Daughters need 'open eyes' to not fall for or be conned along by the explanation of  "how it is" by the glossy magazines, the music videos, movies, word on the street, and sex education manuals. Again a repeat visit in conversation to the first point is needed.


7.  Mums have responsibility to support the romantic longings and hopes of young girls as being a natural, normal part of being female. DON'T ignore or suppress these longings as it will only send them along the route of the glossy magazine or sexually explicit novel and onto the freeway of objectivity.  This harbours more confusion in the mind of a growing girl. Instead give her examples of lives of women with wholesome romantic dignity, who are respected by men, viewed as women and not as objects, to develop her ideas on.


8.  We need to check ourselves that we are not affected by our society either in our attitudes to women or our practice. If you are a mother involved in the style of relationship described above, think hard. Consider your example, to other women, to your children especially your daughter, regardless of her age, she is learning from you. Are you being valued in the way you live? What are you saying about the worth of a woman? 


9.  As mothers, do we believe in female innocence? Do we think of our daughters as being in a time of innocence which is worth protecting from our culture's brutality? Then we have work to do.


"Understanding modesty .... invites men to consider, What's fun about forcing someone into sex in the first place? A respect for female modesty would inform the relation between the sexes so that "taking what you can get" would be an impossible way for a man to approach a woman, or to approach love generally.  The argument from external authority labels a man as evil if he date-rapes or sexually harasses a woman. From the standpoint of modesty, he is behaving abominably, but more crucially, he is really missing the point . He hasn't understood what it means to be a man."
"..... there is an emerging consensus that things have gone too far."
"There is simply nowhere else to go in the direction of immodesty, only back"


THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS spend some time thinking and talking about modesty with YOUR daughter.
Cathy
                     

WEEK 23 QUOTE 23

"A daughter's relationship with her mother lays the foundation for her relationship with herself. From her mother she will either learn how to claim her life and be fully visible in all her relationships or how to silence herself, accept invisibility as a normal way of being, and believe that caring for others and not herself is a women's lot in life."
Rosjke Hasseldine : "The Emotional Crisis Between Mothers and Daughters"


This is PART 2 of  WHAT DO DAUGHTERS NEED FROM THEIR MOTHER?


2.  BE A POSITIVE EXAMPLE ~
A.  Be a Positive Example ~  Girls Thrive When Mums Thrive.
      (I) Mind Attitude.
      With the glut of varied worldwide opinion on what a "mother" is supposed to be, a high proportion of mums today feel failures, guilty, have no idea of what they are meant to be, and want the experience to be short-lived, so they can move-on to do something tangible with their life.


This effects girls of all ages as they watch their mum and attempt to fathom what's ahead for them. A mum's attitude to herself affects a girl's developing self image and shapes her future attitude to herself and how she places herself in relationship to being a woman and mother of the future.


Rosjke Hasseldine's quote above, describes a style of being a mother that always puts everyone and their needs ahead of mum. I think most mums feel they wear this style of mothering at some  point in their life, particularly when the children are all very young - the 'vendor machine' years. But in amongst the busy, non-stop years as a mum, we have a choice or power to "claim" our life or choose to "accept invisibility". One, as a teaching tool to our watching daughter, demonstrates a mother who is thriving. The other sad model, a mum who is not.


A THRIVING MUM WHO IS POSITIVE IN HER ATTITUDE TO BEING A MOTHER, GIVES HER DAUGHTER A GREAT GIFT AND HOPE FOR HER FUTURE.


        (II) Body Image.
        "Mothers can transfer their negative body image to their daughters - mothers can boost teens self-esteem by having a positive outlook themselves. It's easy to blame the media for glamorous images of thin models whom teenage girls long to emulate. But many psychologists and eating disorders specialists believe that the greatest influence lives at home." (Refer to my previous post on Parents Have the Most Influence on Their Children - WEEK 2  QUOTE 2) "A large amount of girls' body image and self-esteem develop from interactions with their mothers - not necessarily through conversation, but often just observation." A mother's approach to eating, or food in general, the reading of food labels, her approach to wearing clothes..... are all taken in by daughters.


"A Harvard University study found that frequent dieting by mothers was associated with frequent dieting by daughters. The study, published in Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, also found that girls with mothers who had weight concerns were more likely to develop anxieties about their own bodies."


Carolyn Costin, spokeswoman for The National Eating Disorders Association in America, stated that their study had found that five-year-old girls whose mothers dieted were twice as likely to be aware of weight-loss strategies as girls whose mothers didn't diet.  "It's like trying on Mum's high heels. They're trying on their diets, too".


I think the point here, again is that as mothers we have a choice or power over our attitude to our body image - either we can display a positive attitude to ourselves, while we quietly or subtly work away at a diet to reduce weight, if needed, or we can steer family attention to the current diet we are on, through our conversations, along with a negative focus on ourselves. 


ONE CHOICE SPEAKS OF A MUM WHO MAY BE WORKING AT HER WEIGHT BUT WHOSE ATTITUDE WILL HELP HER DAUGHTER. THE OTHER CHOICE WILL POSSIBLY TEACH AND CONTRIBUTE TO AN ONGOING SEQUENCE OF UNHAPPY BODY IMAGE FOR HER DAUGHTER.


B.  Be a Positive Example ~  Acceptance, Approval, Being Valued  ~  Being Loved.
Daughters need to know their mums value and accept them. She needs her mum's approval, to know her mum is proud of her. She needs to know it, see it and hear her mum's proud reactions to her.


The mum who regularly registers disappointment or disapproval in her daughter's actions, sets up relational problems for her future. Disapproval can be a mum's response to a daughter's success or opportunities, possibly because the mum never had these. This is particularly true in cultures where mum has sacrificed and struggled for family futherence, and her daughter has moved with ease into opportunities of privilege. This is a case of where mums need to have a good grip on the difference of circumstances of each generation.


Being accepted, approved of and valued by mum, is in fact a desire and need of all girls to be loved by their mum.


Some mums struggle to give such love, acceptance, approval and value to their daughters, because it wasn't given to them. It is a pattern handed from one generation to the next. Maybe as a mum, if you don't feel acceptance, approval or valued as a person, you need to do some work on yourself. You can only give this type of love to your daughter if you experience it yourself. Some women who have not received it from their own mothers, have 'found it' as other people accept, approve, value and love them. Others have 'found it' in their relationship with Jesus as they consider how he accepts them.


A DAUGHTER NEEDS ASSURANCE THAT HER MOTHER LOVES HER FOR WHO SHE IS.


C.  Be a Positive Example ~  Model a "BIG" life.
In 2010 most females living in our culture, have full access into any area of life. A huge variety to select from with opportunities WIDE open for our choice.


But a worrying and odd thing is occurring amongst a growing proportion of girls, in that what was hoped for and modelled by the Emmeline Pankhursts and the Kate Shepperds, who blazed the trail for women to be able to enjoy the opportunities we have today, is quickly being forgotton. Don't misunderstand me, please. I'm not thinking of Women's Liberation or Feminism, here. My concern is that an increasing percentage of girls in the western world are choosing 'comfort', 'safety' and a small life through their practice of conformity to their peers around them. 


This week a friend told me of her disappointment in the girls at her daughter's school - their lack of gumption, lack of preparedness to ripple the water. Instead they choose conformity or sameness, which results in a shallow existence.


In an earlier post WEEK 9 QUOTE 9,  I spoke of Jessica Watson, the Australian girl who was in the midst of sailing solo around the world. Jessica is an example of the opposite end of the spectrum to the girls described above. I have just finished reading Jessica's book, "True Spirit", about her amazing voyage. On one of the final pages, Jessica writes of another girl , Bethany Hamilton, who has been an inspiration to her. . . .
"Bethany was an up-and-coming surfer when she was attacked by a 14 foot tiger shark at her home break in Hawaii. She was fourteen. She had her left arm ripped off just below the shoulder but was back in the water surfing only a month later. She is now twenty years old and is a professional surfer. Bethany is one gutsy woman and she says :
'Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice.' " from "True Spirit": Jessica Watson.


Bethany Hamilton has written her story in a book called "Soul Surfer".


Mums can contribute to their daughter choosing a life of depth, bravery... - a BIG life with gumption! Jessica Watson's mum, Julie was acknowledged several times through Jessica's book as the one who encouraged her to dream big, which set her on her path as a small child. Likewise the incredible adult life of Ariana Styasinopoulos (my post WEEK 8  QUOTE 8), was supported and fuelled by a mother, who like Jessica Watson's mother, modelled and opened the door to a BIG life.


We have dozens of women through history who lived lives of gumption - Florence Nightingale, Anita Roddick, Maggie Thatcher, Maria Curie, Mother Theresa, Catherine the Great, Helen Keller, Corrie ten Boon, Rosa Parks......  Maybe you and your daughter could get to know their stories through books and movies.


MUMS CAN MODEL A LIFE OF 'SUGAR AND SPICE AND ALL THINGS NICE', OR MODEL BIG LIVES, LIVES OF DEPTH AND GUMPTION FOR THEIR DAUGHTERS.


D.  Be a Positive Example ~  Be Self Controlled.
Girls need a positive example of living with control in the area of emotions. So much has been written about the changes of a girl's emotions during pre adolescence, adolescence and of women through the process of menoporse.  Some writers direct the reader's attention to working with these changes. Part of that work is in the department of self control.


My hero, Charlotte Mason, says self control is a habit, something that with practice will become easier and more a part of our character.


I've heard women say that in living with their emotions, at some point they come to a 'fork in the road', they have a choice to go one way or the other, control themselves or not.


How do you learn to control yourself? Firstly start now, because the longer it is put off and the wrong habit practiced, the harder change becomes.


Charlotte Mason gives a great method. Start by talking with your daughter of her possible future, living without self control, 'painting' specific pictures for her. She needs to see and understand the real affect on herself and others around her, for her to decide she needs to work at change, now.


Next you need to identify where or what situations in her life regularly happen that call for her need of self control. Depending on her age, the strategy you use, may need you her mum to assist or support, especially at first, to get regular success in practicing self control.


Charlotte Mason describes an old wrong habit (lack of self control) as being like a wheel that goes forever up and down in one place, on the same old track, gouging a rut in the road over time. To establish a new, better habit (self control), the wheel must be lifted out of the rut, put on a new piece of ground and with support and help travel on, practicing the new habit of self control.


WHICHEVER WAY WE GO, WHATEVER WE PRACTICE AS MUMS, WE DEMONSTRATE A WAY OF BEHAVING IN LIFE TO A WATCHING DAUGHTER, FOR HER TO TAKE ONBOARD.


THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS  bring the examples of positive and great people you know about into your daughter's life, and let your feelings of inspiration translate into lives of gumption for both of you!!
Cathy

WEEK 22 QUOTE 22E

"Every time I hear the fatal lines  'I'm my daughter's best friend',  I think  'Oh, grow up you silly woman...'  . . . .
You're out shopping and see two blondes from behind, long hair swinging, both in high heels, toting enormous SWAG bags, then they turn. One is 18, the other in her 40's. . . .
Now don't get me wrong. I can understand the heady attraction from the mum's point of view.
Not long ago, admittedly a very dark car park, the attendant thought I was my daughter's sister. I was over the moon. Until I caught sight of my daughter's face.
Much as she loves me I could see the look of horror mixed with pity that I wanted to be taken for my 19 year old's sister. Did I need that kind of pathetic reassurance?
It made me remember how one of my friends at primary school had a glam mother who dressed incredibly well and flirted with all the fathers. The rest of us were consumed with jealousy.
Except that when you looked closely, it was clearly aweful for my friend to have a mother who cared more about being desirable than for her daughter's happiness.
In fact, I remember being deeply grateful that my own mother looked like a mum, slightly overweight, rather dowdy dressed . . . and who was obviously a mum. And yet, no way did my mother lack authority. She had bags of it. . . . she knew that it was important for the psyche that parents lay boundaries that must be respected by the child.
And this is the rub, . . . best friends don't lay down limits. They join in with you, egg you on, even. And yet of all the parent's jobs, laying down limits is the most vital.
Parents have to teach their children nasty, uncomfortable truths - such as you can't always have what you want, that you have to think of others occasionally, and that life can be annoying and dull at times.
A friend who tried to tell you that would be dumped at once.
But any psychologist will tell you that getting stuck into extreme and self-destructive behaviour. . . is often due to children never having learned to say 'No'  to themselves with the help and advice of a loving parent.
But what if the parent wants to come along and share these experiences? The supreme irony is that while most of us would never hit or abuse our child, we are still doing them an immense wrong by trying just to be their friend. . . .
Our parents may have been tough and it was uncomfortable, so confusing authority with authoritarianism - we tell ourselves we want to practice a different way of parenting.
Unfortunately, it often turns out to be no parenting at all.
According to Dr Poulter, 'When mothers become best friends, it leaves their children motherless.'
The upshot is that girls can sometimes have to push themselves to dangerous levels of aberrant behaviour until someone intervenes and says enough is enough.
But being a strong parent can be uncomfortable. . . .
No one wants a return to the idea of Victorian parenting, with its overtones of children being seen and not heard, but we do need to re-establish a sense of parental authority.
Of course, it's healthy for parents to get on with their children, to chat and laugh together, though not to become one of those ghastly mothers who claim their daughters  'tell them everything'.
Daughters who have been brought up with a clear sense that they have a mother instead of an aging best friend won't need or want their mum to go on the pull with them, like Fergie boasts of doing.
They will have friends and boyfriends of their own. And if mothers who want to be their daughter's best friend don't see that, they will remain sad figures trying to prevent their children from growing up - just so they can go along for the party."
"Why Your Daughter Needs You to be Her Mother, Not Her Best Friend" : Maeve Haran. Daily Mail Online UK. April 2008.


This post is  PART 1  of  WHAT DAUGHTERS NEED FROM THEIR MUM.


1. DAUGHTERS NEED THEIR MUMS TO BE MUM.
(A) NOT A BEST FRIEND.
I believe the night out lifestyle of the Duchess of Windsor - Sarah Ferguson (Fergie) with her daughters, like other royal and celebrity mums, is a normal part of life - indulging together in over partying.


As you look at the photograph of them above, out on the town for the night, what do you see? How do you feel?


You may quickly rule yourself out as being a practitioner of this type of relationship with your daughters, as you don't dress like this, or party with your daughters. . . Maeve Haran's description of mum-daughter dress alikes, partying together, is not the only version of  "my daughter's my best friend". There are others, not so clearly identified, but definately resulting in the same too close for the healthy independent development of daughters.


Haran gives some points to check ourselves by ~ does your daughter have friends of her own who she regularly spends time with/ shares her life with?
                                                                                               ~ do you encourage her to make independent friendships of her own? 
                                                                                               ~ do you wrap your own life tightly into your daughter's?


The mobile phone is used as a stranglehold on some daughters today. Mums who play with this version of  "my daughter's my best friend" , speak of it as a loving way to stay in contact! Mum may not be physically there at the party, at school or wherever the daughter is, but she is fully up with the play with what's happening - hourly dispensing thoughts into her daughter's mind. Advice? Suggestions? Checking she's OK? See that she's having a good time? Wanting to know what's going on, now? . . .  She may also suffer from being a 'Controlling Mum' (SEE my post WEEK 15 QUOTE 15).


Another version of  "my daughter's my best friend"  is seen when the daughter has left home, possibly has children of her own, and should be seen by her mother as being independent. Mum however, figures regularly in her daughter's life.    ~  she has daily contact on the phone to swap the goss.
            ~  she has several meet ups for coffee each week, or drop-ins to home to be fully involved with her daughter's life and decision making.
            ~  she is her daughter's shopping partner whether it be groceries, choosing objects for the house or clothes for her daughter or her children - often  mother ends up paying for more than she should on such outings. Again it may help reading the post on 'Controlling Mums'.


However you see it, daughters in these situations are not given the space to learn to be independent, to respect their own judgements or grow toward maturity. Daughters need peers, their own friends, to be part of and share their lives with, rather than being fully occupied by their mothers. Mums must remember their daughter has her own life to live and a right to the privilege to figure out life privately, herself.


"Above all, adolescent girls need mothers to be consistent adults. The healthiest of relationships will be developed between mums and girls who respect the boundaries of the generations."  says Kyanna Sutton : "How To Survive Your Daughter's Teen Years".  


Daughters are looking for and need their mum to be a support system to them. This necessary role becomes confused for them if mum is taken up with hanging on to her youth - be it spray-on tan, mini skirts, blonde hair extensions or whatever.  


Karyl McBride  "Will I Ever be Good Enough:Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers",  believes that mothers who choose to combat getting older in this manner, hurt their daughters as they seem to be competing with them. 


The support system needed by the daughter is confused, and her self esteem and confidence is damaged, says Erika Thomas "Moms That Dress Like Teenagers".


". . . the mother-daughter relationship has unique characteristics that distinguish it from a best friendship. These characteristics include a mother's role as primary caretaker, a lack of reciprocity, and a hierarchy of responsibility. This hierarchy, combined with unconditional love, precludes mothers and daughters from being best friends."  Linda Gordon and Susan Morris Shaffer  "Too Close for Comfort : Questioning the Intimacy of Today's Mother-Daughter Relationship".
DAUGHTERS NEEDS MUMS TO BE MUMS - NOT A BEST FRIEND.


(B) PROVIDING CLOSE CONNECTION WITH THEIR DAUGHTER
I can hear you saying  "What? What's she mean by that? We've just been reading how mums must step out of their daughter's lives so they will mature independently...."  Yes, that's right!  But that does not mean that a daughter needs her mother to step off the planet and disappear from their life all together.
There is a difference between the mothering described in the previous point and the mothering that provides a daughter with her needed access to close connection with her mum. 


A picture of this is the swimming instructor who teaches very young children to float on their back. Lessons go by where the child is first fully supported and held in a lying position to get the feel of floating and over time the need of support is lessened until, SUCCESS, the child independently floats. But if there's a sudden loss of confidence or a person nearby on the side of the pool dives in giving a splash, the wise instructor assists the beginner by steadying him, supporting him to ensure the progress gained is not all lost in a moment.


I have seen the same process in gymnastics where a coach trains a gymnast with a new move on bar. The preparation takes weeks often months with a lot of talking and encouragement, along with sections of the move being practiced in isolation. Gradually as the coach sees increasing confidence and precision, the parts of the move are put together, speeded up, less support is given, until finally it is executed flawlessly. At this stage a gymnast may loose her confidence or holdback, maybe because of a painful injury. So the wise coach returns to encouraging talk and physical support to re-steady her once again and ensure the progress gained is not lost.


"The Mother-Daughter Project" practices these principles in their groups of mums and daughters across America. They regularly get together for skills and fun development along with making great memories between mums and their daughters. They start when daughters are five - ten years of age and say that by building positive, strong patterns of relationship between mums and daughters over years, gives a close connection to successfully handle any difficult years ahead. Girls want access to close connection with their mums. The Mother-Daughter Project say, "When they go in a new direction, especially one new to US . . . . our daughters want us right there, supporting and cheering them. Girls want to confide in their mothers, and with their mother's interest and support, it's easier for them to make it through the minefields of adolescence."


So how does a mother provide this close connection? What does it look like from mum's end?
                         Erika Thomas calls it a "support system"
                         Kyanna Sutton, being a "consistent adult"
                         Karyl McBride echoes both these points.
                         Gordon and Shaffer, being a "primary caretaker. . . . hierarchy of responsibility. . . . . combined with unconditional love"
                         Maeve Haran, establishing "boundaries", "laying down limits", "...nasty, uncomfortable truths - such as you can't always have what you want, that you have to think of others occasionally and that life can be annoying and dull at times" , saying "No", "parental-authority" not "authoritarianism".


The pictures of the swimming instructor and the gym coach, show too that the close connection equips, in this case, the daughter for the future, to operate successfully and independently.


The need of a daughter for closeness and connection with her mum is one thing, her finding access or choosing to connect is another. The need to build a history of good memories and access between mums and daughters through childhood years as The Mother-Daughter Project does, is the key.


Good memories of connection and strong patterns of relationship, are possible between mums and daughters of any age, even when you start later in life. It may however take a longer time build.
DAUGHTERS NEED THEIR MUMS TO BE MUMS WHO PROVIDE CLOSE CONNECTION.


THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS, be a MUM to your daughter - make some good memories together.
Cathy

WEEK 21 QUOTE 21

 I missed being home for FATHERS DAY this year, having recently flown back to Australia for family birthday celebrations and a much looked-forward catch-up with family, old and new friends. A FABULOUS time! I assisted my mindset preparations by getting into Ruth Park's book2 of her autobiography ~ "Fishing in the Styx". Single and in her early twenties, Ruth writes of her adjustment to life once she arrives in Sydney and is speedily married, all in the early days of WW2. Here's a quick 'taste'.
"Like most young couples my husband and I spent the first months of marriage trying diligently to change each other in both subtle and explosive ways. D'Arcy said I required him to become a person half way between my father and Gary Cooper, and he was damned if he would.  He did not want much; only that I should transmute quick smart into someone his mother would tolerate if not like. Like so many sons of alcoholics he was very protective of his mother and longed for her to be happy with his choice of wife. Still, our affection was such, and remained so steadfast, that very shortly we both accepted the exasperating for the sake of the good, which was manifold."
Ruth and D'Arcy had very different fathers.

My intention in this post is to put up some quotes written by fathers. Some speak of  fatherhood, others contain humour and the rest, what they judge as important.
Hope it was a happy FATHERS DAY at your house this year

"A father carries pictures where his wallet used to be"
Unknown.
I love this one and hopefully it is true for you if you are a father - your focus of what is important has decidedly shifted, rather than the other possibility that fatherhood has brought you poverty.

"I cannot understand how I managed to cope without getting the cuddles this many times a day."
Russell Crowe on unconditional love.
Great to read of a dad expressing a real benefit he personally has found in being a father.

"I've made a lot of mistakes in life - many in parenting. I've also learned a lot by being a dad, probably more than I have learned from any other area in life." 
Cole Ruddick, a solo dad.
An honest and realistic comment on being a parent. We all make and continue to make "mistakes", and hopefully like Cole find parenting a source that regularly enriches our lives.

"It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but there is a special place in heaven for the father who takes his daughter shopping"
John Sinor.
(Could only find a dad and daughter supermarket photo, no clothes shopping photos) I'm sure all dads don't find shopping with their daughter a difficulty, but John's encouragement to get involved in the child's life you don't automatically connect with, is a wise thing.

"Cultivate your own capabilities, your own style. Appreciate the members of your family for who they are, even though their outlook or style may be miles different from yours. Rabbits don't fly. Eagles don't swim. Ducks look funny trying to climb. Squirrels don't have feathers. Stop comparing. There's plenty of room in the forest."
Chuck Swindoll.
I love the perspective here, to identify who and what you are and then to do the same for each person in your family. Just because we may share a common surname, doesn't mean our bent, passions and approach will be similar. So identify what each person is. Then "appreciate" each for who they are, and finally urge them to "cultivate" themselves.

"It has taught me that there is no one moment that is frozen in time. There is no better example than to watch four kids grow up. For instance, I'm not feeling particularly steady right now, but this is not going to last for more than a couple of minutes. Same with raising kids. There are no moments you have frozen in amber. It's moving, it's changing, so appreciate what's good about right now and be ready for what's next."
Michael J Fox on fatherhood and Parkinson's disease.
Here again is the challenge to "appreciate". 
Appreciate means to perceive the full force of, understand, be sensitive to, esteem adequately, recognise as valuable or excellent, be grateful for.
It is true, our lives and all events are in process, ever developing and altering. Some experiences are hard to weather while others give endless pleasure. Michael's thought to stop and savour the good in the now, gives us a hint on how to live well, as he is obviously doing.

I found it refreshing to read these quotes and others too, and discover that so many men's thoughts on being a dad were not limited to their own role. Rather they quickly spoke of their link or relationship with their children and it's beneficial affect on them.
Cathy    

 

 

WEEK 20 QUOTE 20

"It's happening all over, in all sorts of families, not just young people moving back home but also young people taking longer to reach adulthood over all. It's a development that predates the current economic doldrums, and no one knows yet what the impact will be - on the prospects of the young men and women; on the parents on whom so many of them depend; on society, built on the expectation of an orderly progression in which kids finish school, grow up, start careers, make a family and eventually retire to live on pensions supported by the next crop of kids who finish school, grow up, start careers, make a family and on and on. The traditional cycle seems to have gone off course, as young people remain untethered to romantic partners or to permanent homes, going back to school for lack of better options, travelling (and often gruelling) Teach for America jobs, forstalling the beginning of adult life."
by Robin Marantz Henig.  Published August 18 2010  New York Times Magazine.

PART 3 - "WHAT SONS NEED FROM THEIR FATHERS"

Although this quote is not distincively referring to sons or fathers, they are included in the category the article discusses. The article's message leads into the first point of this post.

6. LEARNING ABOUT INDEPENDENCE.
Today everyone has a different opinion of what independence is. Most parents think of it as one of their goals, part of their 'job' in bringing up children. It is said that boys usually desire and move towards independence from parents earlier than girls.
Independence is described as ~ not being dependent on someone or something for existence, validity or effectiveness.
                                                 ~ not influenced by others.
                                                 ~ thinking and acting for oneself.
                                                 ~ not depending on another quality for its value.
                                                 ~ life of its own.
                                                 ~ not subject to outside control.
                                                 ~ not connected or attached.
All these definitions suggest that the independent person operates completely and maturely without assistance. Are young people who cry for their own independence from their parents, really living a life that can be described in the above terms? Independence = autonomy.

~#** FACT **#~  THE DICTIONARY DEFINITIONS FOR "INDEPENDENCE" HAVE NOT CHANGED. PARENTS CAN STILL MAKE THEM THE GOAL TO POINT THEIR CHILDREN TOWARDS.


Robin Marantz Herig's article alarms us into looking more critically and honestly at what we are doing and need to do from here on with our children, regardless of their age. Or is it all inevitable, a new order or step in the times we now live in? Henig points out that "Getting to what we would generally call adulthood is happening later than ever.....To others, the long road to adulthood signifies something deep, durable and maybe better-suited to our neurological hard-wiring. What we're seeing, they insist, is the dawning of a new life stage - a stage that all of us need to adjust to."


Jeff Arnett, author of 'Emerging Adulthood:The Winding Road from the Late Teens Through the Twenties', argues that a century back, society took time to take on board the concept that adolescence was a new developmental stage. And in time "education, health care, social services and the law all changed to address the particular needs of 12 - 18 year olds." Arnett also comments on the confusion society has given  teens and 20's with the various ages to be able to vote, legally drink alcohol, join the military, legally leave home, drive a car, rent a car without "hefty surcharges", be still covered under parents medical insurance plans, parents income considered when children apply for university scholarships.... "We seem unable to agree when someone is old enough to take on adult responsibilities".
He also tells us that neuroscientists used to think that the brain stopped maturing soon after puberty, but now they know it continues to mature up until around the age of 25. - "the only people who got this right were the car-rental companies."
Arnett is publishing a book for parents of children in their 20's, in 2011.


As this article suggests, parents can play a large part in keeping a child in their teens or 20's "in limbo between adolescence and adulthood", by being "helicopter parents" or parents who pay for their children's living costs.


As some participants in Arnett's studies have stated, this emerging adulthood option is only for the privileged , well-heeled families. Arnett disagrees and uses a girl, Nicole, as a representative of an impoverished background. For her, "emerging adulthood represents an opportunity - maybe a last opportunity - to turn one's life around."
But Arnett admits that not every young person goes through a period of "emerging adulthood - identity exploration, self focus, experimentation in love, work and worldview". He says sometimes they miss this stage by choice or by circumstances handed to them, and may face it at a later stage in life such as a midlife crisis, or never face it at all. Arnett's close friend, Richard Lerner, disagrees, saying "you must develop, what you're supposed to develop when you're supposed to develop it or you'll never adequately develop it." Lerner says that for emerging adulthood to qualify as a developmental stage, it must be "both universal and essential"


Henig asks, is this a stage that is here to stay or not? If it is here to stay, she says systems need to change to accommodate it, and makes some suggestions.
It interested me that each suggestion had at its base the element of teaching the person in their 20's, to take responsibility in some shape or form, of their own lives - learn to become independent.
Marantz Henig seems to state that independence must be reached, sometime.


As this article hints and as I suggested in my post WEEK 17  QUOTE 17, both parents are involved in the process of children coming to independence. Henig only momentarily touches on the connection of 20's who don't choose to "get on with their lives", with parents who are overly involved with their children's lives, be they "helicopter parents", parents who pay for their children's living costs or parents who are known by their child to not step back out of their lives. It agrees that parents can continue to contribute to the lives of their children even into their 20's. Therefore parents must be able to change their tactics and assist their teens and children in their 20's to move toward independence.


In the case of sons, the route to independence is through a teamwork approach with dad. Working together, having ample experiences of challenges with their built-in risks, together with dad. Fathers have a different perspective on independence to mums. Boys in their teens need more dad or male perspective, than mum's to become independent.
This experience of challenges must be regular and escalating in what they demand. A once-a -year rock climb won't contribute a lot into helping a boy to learn independence. It is essential that it be regular, and with dad present.
Don't load them up beyond their years or maturity level - eg, 'Take care of Mum won't you, Sam" to six-year-old Sam, as dad leaves for six months away with the army. Sons need the satisfaction of involvement in a process with others, with support being decreased over time, and seeing something completed successfully. True independence will not be learnt by a quick demonstration through the steps and then handing the job over to be completed and done by the son, alone. This only builds resentment and a self-centered form of independence.
Repeated happy experiences with dad, not only give skills and expertise but also builds positive confidence, self esteem and a correct view of responsibility, into the mind of a son. From this well developed mental state, a son is more likely to move successfully towards independence.


~#** FACT  **#~ INDEPENDENCE MUST BE MODELLED AND TAUGHT BY DAD OVER TIME (REGULARLY) THROUGH WORKING TOGETHER (DAD PRESENT).

7. MASCULINITY.
With the western world's trend to decreasing male influence into the lives of boys, we now have a confusion about what maleness IS.

Ian Grant describes it as ..."sometimes confusing strong with violent, virile with promiscuous, adventurous with reckless."

What is masculinity, maleness, being manly? For some it's to go into the back blocks of New Zealand's South Island to hunt deer or catch fish, for others it's lifting 50kg weights or training hard in rugby. Sam Koenen suggested "hair-chested scotch drinkers ....tattooed torsos attached to 22inch biceps..." The dictionary says masculinity is characteristics or qualities that are particularly male.

Many authors and researchers agree with Frank Pittman, "Man Enough: Fathers, Sons and the Search for Masculinity", who says that boys learn about masculinity from their dads.

~#** FACT **#~  IF DAD IS NOT AVAILABLE TO BE THE ROLE MODEL, THEY USE THE MEDIA MALE ICONS AS THEIR MENTORS AND "AS A RESULT THEY GROW UP MIRRORING OVERBLOWN MYTHS OF MANHOOD" 

Sam Koenen in his blog "MANLY DAD", says "masculinity is most manly in the realm of fatherhood". He goes on to talk about a number of facets he names as characteristics of being male  - an Explorer, a Cultivator, a Protector, a Wisdom Gatherer and a Disciple. He writes that the Explorer's main aim is to discover. He is also a visionary who is prepared to 'travel' into unknown areas at risk to himself. "The central motivation of the Explorer is a deep-felt desire to conquer and subdue - to exercise dominion. This is why boys love tree forts and playing war. This desire for dominion seems inherent in most boys, and parents (especially fathers) must be wise to cultivate it."
Koenen encourages fathers to be fully involved in a boy's games of conquering and subduing. He has only briefly introduced the other four facets.

A boy's desire for dominion was historically put to the test in Africa, Jewish and many other cultures. At the age of fourteen, a boy was considered to be entering manhood and initiation ceremonies of challenges, adventures and tests, were the norm.

The medieval practice for boys of the middle to upper class being trained first as a page, then advancing to a squire and eventually graduating to become a knight, may seem rather 'picture-book' to us today. But in those days boys had clear role models of some aspects of masculinity to identify with.

I agree with Sam Koenen that boys desire to explore this aspect of their inherent character. My boys have all shown interest in books they read and games they played for many years, be they knights, soldiers or conquerors who won their battles.

James Stenson in "Father, the Family Protector",  makes the point that adult males have instincts, attitudes and physical strengths which equip them "for tough-minded, sacrificial service to those people who count most in their lives, starting with their families." He says that the instinct to protect "lies at the core of a man's masculinity." He also describes how this instinct is developed through a variety of aspects of a boy, from a young age.  ".... his muscles, will power, stamina, competitive drive, aggressiveness and assertiveness, mathematical and abstractive powers of mind, love for strategic planning and manipulating physical reality, strong sense of fairness and ethical conduct..." all combine to produce a man with strong protective instinct. 
Stenson tells a story of an experience that he had one weekend with a friend when trying to cross a busy city street. As they  waited at the crossing on the roadside, an elderly lady who was blind with two, possibly, granddaughters, and a German shepherd seeing-eye dog, waited on the opposite kerb to cross the street. "Suddenly -- chaos. From down the block hurtled a large mongrel street dog, barking and snarling loudly, spoiling for a fight. Swiftly he lunged at the German shepherd , who sprang back at him in snarling, furious rage. The two dogs pounced and snapped with bared teeth at each other...... and all-out serious fight. The noise was loud and shocking." 
The old woman thrashed her walking stick around, the two girls screamed, shrieked and sobbed, and the two dogs fought.
The noise of this wildness "electrified everyone in earshot". The writer and his friend ran across the street to help as countless young and middle-aged men appeared on the scene, having dashed out of cars and taxis - motors left running, doors wide open. A man from a nearby townhouse raced in, rolling up his newspaper in his hands as he ran, to use as a club to separate the fighting dogs.
Twelve to fifteen men came to the woman's aid, removing her and the girls to safety, hitting the dogs with newspapers and jackets, chasing off the attacking dog. They then turned to calm and reassure the woman and girls that everything was OK. Afterwards people drifted off, men returned to their cars and the woman and children crossed the street, entering a home nearby.
Stenson comments on what happened. "Men dropped what they were doing and heedless of their own safety, flung themselves forward to protect others...."

Here is a picture of masculinity.

Boys are male, and a father's displays of maleness has the potential to be a far bigger influence on his son than any other males influence. This is why fathers who neglect this responsibility, fail their son's miserably. "This lack of attention from fathers, results in the son's inability to identify with his father as a means of establishing his own masculinity. A son deprived of the confirmation and security that might have been provided by father's presence, is unable to advance to adulthood." says John W Wilson.

~#** FACT  **#~  TO FIND THEIR OWN MASCULINITY, SONS MUST IDENTIFY WITH THEIR OWN FATHER.

Mr Wilson also says, "A males gender identity - his masculinity  - has been and continues to be volatile. It has to be earned and proved on a day-to-day basis. A man can't just be masculine, he must constantly "prove it"......Being a man means achieving, accomplishing.... and providing adequately for oneself and one's family." 

~#** FACT **#~  SONS NEED THEIR FATHERS TO LEAD THE WAY, BE REAL AND FRANK ABOUT LIVING AS A BOY AND A MAN.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS, dads care for your sons and boldly put into place the things necessary to build your boy into an independent male.

Cathy