HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE DOING THE "RIGHT THINGS" IN BRINGING UP YOUR CHILDREN?

                                    Mom Thinking xhorni.com
This Qu is asked by every mother at least once in their lifetime, but it may be asked even more today as there are so many different ways people parent and it’s easy to find yourself lost in the sea of indecision.  To learn how to parent it’s a good habit to watch how other families live. The routines and difficulties are often similar but other families can live out different ways to handle them. Some examples will be encouraging and give you ideas to think about trying in your family.
All the ideas and quotes in this post come from Anne Ortlund's book Disciplines of the Home.
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S WHAT YOU ARE AND DO.

Every area of parenting whether it is how to discipline your child, how you get them to eat well, tidy up their mess, not answer back, or do the pooh in the toilet… starts at the same point – it begins with YOU.

1.   Anne Ortlund says, “The parenting thing isn’t so much ‘Do what I say’ as it is ‘Be what I am’ and ‘Do what I do’. Like it or not, what you are and do will speak so loudly they can’t hear what you say. They will become like you. Scary, isn’t it!” p 279.

I think this is fairly clear – we can have all the right rules and say all the right things, but in the end kids learn far more from who their parents are and what they do.

1. SUCCESSFUL PARENTING MEANS - 

Then Anne goes on to give her first principle of what successful parenting means – “ BECOMING WHAT YOU SHOULD BE”

Whether there is one parent or two, Anne Ortlund says, become what you should be. “Give your children not only rules for living but your own lives as well...” p 280. They need to see what you are telling them to do and be like in action, right there in your life!

MESMERISED BY THE KIDS.

We can become mesmerized by all the wrong things our children are doing and worry if we are parenting in the right way BUT the key is to start with ourselves “becoming what you should be”. 

Off the top of your head, what does “becoming what you should be”, translate into for you right now, given the current situations at home in your family? How are you doing personally in these areas?

your temper

your anger

impatience

genuinely listening to family members

being tidy

being organised

getting to bed at a reasonable time

getting up at a reasonable time

sharing your possessions

eating a balanced/sensible diet

eating with the family at a table...

2. SUCCESSFUL PARENTING MEANS -

Anne’s second principle of what successful parenting means – “STAYING CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE CHILD FOR IT TO RUB OFF”

She suggests we follow three points from Dr John Perkins who worked with troubled inner city families. These three points show how we are to relate to our children – being close enough to them so the good things rub off on them.

Perkins says, “There are three basic human needs, and all three ought to be met in the home." 

     A. Every human needs to be loved, to feel he belongs.”p 271. We must say it over and over, day after day, even when our child seems most obnoxious, you still need to be saying in a million way – I LOVE YOU.  “They must learn that your love for them isn’t based on their works and that your acceptance of them isn’t conditioned on their behavior.” p271.

 B.  “Every human needs his own space, a place which is no one else’s, and a sense of assurance that nobody’s going to take it away.” p 271. This is about letting your child develop their ‘territory’ – a room, their shelf, their garden… somewhere they can claim as their own.

C.  “Every human needs to be affirmed, to be considered significant.” 

p 271. You’re actually aiming at communicating, “I’m aware of you, and 

I like you..."

FOUR QUOTES.

“To feel loved, to belong, to have a place, and to hear one’s dignity

and worth often affirmed – these are to the soul what food is to the

body. And as you provide these for your youngster, you’re confirming 

their dignity, their worth, and their projected place of value in 

tomorrow's world.” p272.

“These basic needs cannot be fulfilled by many of the parents today who divorce, work, travel, or who simply are too busy or too distracted – at the children’s lifestage when they’re most impressionable, fragile, and vulnerable. Unfortunately, the substitutes for meeting these three needs are everywhere: alcohol, drugs, and illicit sex. So misery abounds, abortions multiply, and prisons overflow.

However you can manage it, be there! Be available in your home for all the children-years. And deliberately seek to meet these three basic needs, by words and actions, as fully as you can.

But you’re saying, ’Look, I have to face the practical realities of living in this world. This seems too drastic to be taken totally seriously!’” p 273.

We just read that these are three basic human needs and they ought to be met in the home. “The kids…must hear loud and clear how loved and wanted they are in this world! What more powerful way can they learn this than for you to be saying by your very presence, ‘You’re wanted. I’m here for you. I like to be with you. I enjoy you. I delight in you! I’m available.’” p 273

“Every family experience determines a child’s adult character, the inner picture he’ll harbor of himself, how he sees others and feels about them, his concept of right and wrong, his capacity to establish warm, sustained relationships necessary to have a family of his own, his attitude toward authority and toward the Ultimate Authority in his life, and the way he attempts to make sense out of his existence. No human interaction has greater influence on his life than his family experience.” p 274 – Armand M Nicholi II, “The Fractured Family”. Christianity Today. May 25 1979.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS - Take time to think through Anne's two point on what successful parenting means. Pick up some ideas from families that function successfully as you watch other families live.

Cathy

"2 THOUGHT-PRESENTS FOR MUMS FOR MOTHERS DAY"

1st Thought-Present 
Another story from my family 
This afternoon my fifteen year old son borrowed me a book from the library while he was getting books for school. We have borrowed this book many times because it is beautiful. "LEAF LITTER Exploring the Mysteries of a Hidden World" by Rachel Tonkin. The first page of the books says, 
"Leaves, twigs, branches and bark collect on the ground in forests all over the world.
We call this leaf litter, but it isn't really rubbish at all.
If you look closely you will discover a world of animals and plants living side by side, a busy secret world we hardly ever see.
In one small patch of leaf litter beneath one tree, this secret world is changing day by day, as seeds turn into plants, grubs hatch from eggs and animals grow big enough to leave their mothers.
The more you look, the more amazing things you will find."
I think MOTHERHOOD is like leaf litter, because it too is a beautiful secret place where unexpected things go on. Here's how I would rewrite the first page of the Leaf Litter book to say just that ~
Feeding babies, toilet training toddlers, taxi service drop-offs after school, discussions about appropriate use of technology constitute the lifestyle of many families all over the world.
We call this motherhood, even though it may have little resemblance to the ideal of past generations.
If you look closely you will discover a world of work and achievements living side by side, a busy secret world most of us hardly even acknowledge.
In one small part of a week in a mother's hood, this secret world is changing day by day, as toddlers learn to feed themselves, children successfully prepare and pass school exams and teenagers grow big enough to leave their mothers.
The more you look, the more amazing things you will find.
2nd Thought-Present
This morning I watched a terrific clip with a group of mums, which Tina brought to our attention. It shows motherhood at various stages. It is not patronising but affirms mums for qualities that most of us automatically practice in an average week. The book at the end looks good too. Watch it through twice to catch all that is said.
Surprised By Motherhood-cause every day is Mother's Day
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ I wish YOU a very HAPPY MOTHERS DAY as you look at your life as a mother and find the amazing things right there.
Cathy

"NOW I'M 18"

A story from my family.
"Our second youngest child turned eighteen, two weeks ago. Here in New Zealand children are entitled to free dental care up until the age of eighteen. I had kindly reminded my son that he should book that final free appointment at the dentist, a couple of months ago but he didn't get round to it.
Last week after getting an appointment, he went off to the dentist knowing he would have to pay at least $90 for what would have been free just seven days earlier. In a dilemma the dental nurse phoned me, obviously realising the situation, to make sure I knew there would be a bill for the appointment. I explained that my son would be paying the bill and we would later talk through with him if we would contribute.
She seemed shocked that I wasn't paying all the bill and offered to post out an invoice, but I assured her we had worked through similar situations in the past with our older children and firmly believed that at eighteen, they were ready and able to handle what the world gave to them as emerging adults.
This really was a perfect start to it all, and something he would learn from and remember for some time."
Every family works differently. A parent's view of what is necessary, fair, kind and helpful when assisting their child to grow-up, is unique. My husband and I don't always see eye-to-eye on parenting issues and regularly talk through things even though we've been parenting together for thirty years.
But the fact is, children DO grow into adults. Therefore the role parents have in equipping children for independence diminishes. 
The time period to make them ready starts when they are little children when we give them opportunities, small at first, to take responsibilities and their consequences in daily life situations. This provides them with practice and this practicing continues on through childhood into teenage years with them being responsible and living with the out workings of their choices. In this way by the time they reach eighteen they should be ready to take the responsibilities our community says they are entitled to.
There are Two Problems 
1. Parents don't give their  children the practice they need before eighteen.
2. Parents continue to treat their eighteen+ aged children, as children, by 
  ~  BAILING THEM OUT This is usually in the form of financial assistance, here's some examples
       - paying off their car speeding fines or debts
       - handing out money when they have already misused what they had
       - regularly paying for their drinks, meal or events when out socially
       - continuing to pay them an allowance or for their clothes.. when they have a full-time job
  ~  MAKING CHOICES FOR THEM WITHOUT GIVING THEM FREEDOM TO CHOOSE OR SAY 'NO' Here's some examples
      - booking them tickets on a 'family holiday'
      - choosing what degree they are to study
      - choosing what university they are to attend or which ones they are not to attend
      - choosing their friends
Often parents persist in behaving in these ways towards their children not because they are control freaks but out of fear. They have little or no confidence that their son or daughter will reach independence if they  stop taking responsibility for their child. But the result is alarming.
There are Two Results - Both Alarming
A. They will stay 'children' all their life. Possibly not in perceivable behaviour but definitely in habits and character. Timid, lacking confidence, lazy, not perceptive, dependent, lacking in responsibility, irresponsible, a sponger, expectant, selfish, arrogant, caught up in their own world, show little initiative.... are some of the resulting tendencies that will come from adults who stay children.
B. They will rebel and because they have little to no practiced skills in independence their choices aren't likely to lead to a successful life.
The role we play as parents is frequently a fine line therefore it's difficult to decide what to do. But we must let our children make mistakes and fall on their faces. This is the point of all that practice.

*********************************************************
  Child makes choice ---- fall on their face ---- realise to their own cost that their decision was stupid, dangerous or hurt ---- choose differently next time ---- fall on their face ---- more thinking needed because the cost to self was greater than last time ---- choose again.....                                                                                     
*********************************************************
For some children this process is short because they naturally move to the best or 'right' decision early. Other children  take longer, but that's ok. Remember each of your children are unique, and remember too that you have certain areas where you are rather slow to change and learn. I know I do.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ be patient with your children and keep on track handing them responsibilities increasing in magnitude that are relevant to their age and capabilities. It can be a little scary at times but if you withhold giving them this practice you will be creating an A. or B. child. The choice is yours.
Cathy
  

"CLOTHING CHILDREN - TINA'S STYLE"

Tina gives the final interview on the topic of Clothing Children.
1. As a woman and a mum you fill a variety of roles everyday. Can you describe some of those roles?
I am a stay at home mum to 3 boys. I do the housework, care for the boys, homeschool the older two, cook meals, do the shopping. I also help out at our church in a couple of roles and teach bible in schools once a week at our local school.
2. Who is in your family?
My husband, Chris, my three boys, William 6, Samuel 5 and Benjamin 3 and I.
3. What is important to you about the clothes your children wear? Does your philosophy, approach to life or ethical choices affect your children's clothing?
I grew up in a home where money was tight and we never ever got to have the trendy clothes or the latest brand that everyone else was wearing and it never really bothered me. While our family is financially ok it continues to be a value for me that having the latest brand item is not important. While from time to time we have bought the boys items with favourite disney characters, we have not bought anything that is brand fancy just because that is what others are all wearing. I realise this is easier to achieve in one sense at this age as the boys are not yet aware of brands but it can be consuming for a mother to have her kids wearing the latest trend and I have done my best to stay away from that kind of spending on clothes. 
I love hand me downs and make the most of those. Every 6 months as a new season begins we go through our clothes and sort them by fit, if a pair of trousers no longer fits the oldest it goes to the next boy and so on. Then clothes no longer needed get passed on. We share with my sister's family and she with us. I rarely buy new items, though we are given new items by my husband's mum quite often. I don't like the idea of buying expensive clothes and avoid it but I also want to know where the clothes are made and what the worker's conditions are. However I find that at the end of the day that is one really difficult issue that I have not come close to solving.
4. How do you approach the following factors when making decisions in clothing your children? * when to replace clothing   * where you go to find or buy clothes   * how much money to spend   * issues to checkout while choosing their clothes   * what the child wants and like   * your own personal taste   * any other factors.
I replace clothing when it has holes in it, is badly stained or no longer fits. I mostly go to friend's for hand me downs to replace or I go to sales at Farmers or the warehouse usually if I must buy something. I only buy when items are on sale, so at this age things between $10 and $20 I guess. I choose clothes for practicality and use as well as size. The boys might get to choose colour between similar items they are trying on when we are buying new. It gives them some pride in the item because they chose it and they don't make any fuss about what to wear that way. I probably choose styles and colours that are to my taste as well but try to let the boys be themselves as well. For example my oldest chose a pair of sneakers that are bright orange, not my style but he loves them! I don't buy or take any clothes that have certain characters or images on them, ones I don't think are appropriate for children this age, like Ben 10 monsters, or  adult themed ones.
5. From your experience, what tips would you give a mum grappling with clothing her children?
Relax. As children get older, past toddler, the wear and tear on clothing is quite high so don't overspend. Accept hand-me-downs wherever possible and make the most of them. Shop second hand where possible and look out for sales. 

"CLOTHING CHILDREN : HELENE'S STYLE"

                                           Helene's Family
By answering five questions, Helene Morris write how she works in the area of Clothing Children.
1. As a woman and a mum you fill a variety of roles everyday. Can you describe some of those roles.
I am a Mum of 3 and also run a clothing and lingerie label with my partner Steve. We started the business when I was pregnant with my eldest son and this has definitely been a challenge juggling both career and family. Steve and I have shared childcare, and often work shifts with one of us starting early and then swapping during the day so that we have maximum time with our kids. My days are really busy as it is for all Mums! 
2. Who is in your family?
Theo who is 11, Iggy is 6 and Juno is 2, Steve, myself and our cat Rex.
3. What is important to you about the clothes your children wear? Does your philosophy, approach to life or ethical choices affect your children's clothing?
The most important thing is comfort. My kids are all really active and I don't like clothes getting in the way of them learning and having fun. Kids also grow out of things so quickly so I love passing clothes on, and being given clothes from friends. Juno’s favourite thing is a little satin Mickey Mouse bomber jacket she was given by my friend whose two daughters loved it, and we are about to pass it onto someone else. Re-cycling is so important with clothing as fast fashion has resulted in so much excess today.
4. How do you approach the following factors when making decisions in clothing your children?   
* when to replace clothing  Mainly when they have grown out of things and are needing a new size. I am absolutely non precious about kids clothes, they get stained and ripped and that is just how it should be with kids!
* where you go to find or buy clothes  My boys are soccer mad so for them anything soccer related is their daily uniform. I usually go to Sterling Sports or Rebel Sports or specialist soccer shops for this. Cotton On Kids and Nature Baby are where I would go for Juno.
* how much money to spend   I’d buy them each a couple of new pieces each season, but hand me downs mean I don’t have to get so much for Iggy and even Juno wears the boys old tee shirts and jeans. 
* issues to checkout while choosing their clothes   I choose natural fibres where possible as they breathe and are generally more comfortable. 
* what the child wants and like   They all pick their own clothes and wear what they like, Juno picks some interesting outfits but I love her to experiment and have fun with clothes. It’s a great way for kids to be creative.
* your own personal taste   I prefer plain kids clothes, with not too much branding. Good quality fabrics are something I look for when I buy.

5. From your experience, what tips would you give a mum grappling with clothing her children?

Kids grow out of clothes so quickly, so keep that in mind, and kids often end up wearing the same thing over and over. 

"CLOTHING CHILDREN : MEL'S STYLE"

                                                       Mel's children.
Mel Wilson gives her view on Clothing Children by answering 5 questions.
1. As a woman and a mum you fill a variety of roles everyday. Can you describe some of those roles?
Aside from providing endless rounds of cuddles and listening to both tales of joy and woe, my primary job is chief organiser. Making sure everyone is where they should be at the right time, with the right gear! In between times I'm the laundress, chef, cleaner, chauffer and birthday cake baker. I also work for the National Child Cancer Network looking at ways to improve consistency and quality in national service delivery.
2. Who is in your family?
My husband Paul who does a weekly commute between Auckland and Wellington, three beautiful blonde girls (Eliza 10, Violet 6.5 & Olympia 4) each with their own unique outlook on life and one very sensible nearly 13 year old son (Oliver).
3. What is important to you about the clothes your children wear? Does your philosophy, approach to life or ethical choices affect your children's clothing?

I love clothing and fashion - your hair, makeup, clothing and shoes are an important way of telling the world a little bit about yourself. I like the children's clothing to set off their personalities to make them feel secure, unique and cared for.  I think its important for children to develop a strong sense of self so they can become confident in the decisions they make and the lifestyles they choose - clothing can be one way to make yourself feel special and in control. Setting out for the day in a piece of clothing, hair tie, or whole outfit that they love can help put a smile on a child's face and heart.

4. How do you approach the following factors when making decisions in clothing your children? * when to replace clothing   * where you go to find or buy clothes   * how much money to spend   * issues to checkout while choosing their clothes   * what the child wants and like   * your own personal taste   * any other factors.

I've got more strategic about buying kids clothes over time. I used to be a magpie who collected gorgeous pieces with very little thought of what else they had in their wardrobe. These days I try and set each child up with a couple of outfits at the beginning of each season that they have helped to chose and love.

I've stopped buying sale items for ‘next summer’ as it is too hit and miss from a size and need point of view. I’ve also stopped accepting hand-me-downs unless the children really need them on top of what they already have.

Kids aren’t always great at making decisions and I have found that limiting choices to some favourite outfits speeds things up and gets rid of a whole lot of clutter.

5. From your experience, what tips would you give a mum grappling with clothing her children?

1. Buy things your kids like, not things you like.
2. Let them try before you buy - once they're big enough to talk they're big enough to tell you if it's too itchy, too tight or the wrong colour!
3. Lightly stock their wardrobes - if its at the bottom of the drawer or the back of the closet it never gets warn. You're better off with a few love love outfits than hundreds of items in a wardrobe. This might mean turning down hand-me-downs and sale items you just don't need so you don't get to the end of the season with clothing that has never been worn.
4. Think about outfits for your kids not individual pieces. Try and get the pieces in your kids wardrobe to work together - tops and bottoms that intermatch means little ones can grab pieces that will go together no matter what.
5. Put away uneeded clothes at the end of each season. Keep closets uncluttered by boxing up winter woollies during summer!

 

"CLOTHING CHILDREN : BESSI'S STYLE"

Our photo demonstrates the laid back approach to clothes in our house, pjs and bare feet are the Graham family staples! I might draw your attention to the fact that Zebi is sporting hot pink finger nails and toe nails like his mother though so we are a little trendy!!!

Via the answers to five questions Bessi Graham kindly gives her view on Clothing Children.
1. As a woman and a mum you fill a variety of roles everyday. Can you describe some of those roles?

I am a wife and mother as well as a person building a business in a new emerging sector which is massively demanding and carries with it challenge and opportunity! 

Because of the way we want to raise our kids my husband and I have chosen to swap roles - meaning he is what would traditionally be the "female role" of "primary caregiver". 

We knew to do my job well I needed to be focused and that meant Brad needing to be at home more and able to be the main person holding our family together. This has meant that I no longer cook, do the food shop or the washing! When I say we've swapped I really mean it! 

The question of roles interests me because our experience over the last few years has shown us that so many stereotypes about "sex" are actually more to do with "role". When you swap roles many of the male/female stereotypes that applied to the opposite sex suddenly start to be things you experience... Fascinating, but a conversation for another blog!!!

2. Who is in your family?

I consider my family to be my husband Brad, my step daughter and my two sons. They're my favourite people in the world!

3. What is important to you about the clothes your children wear? Does your philosophy, approach to life or ethical choices affect your children's clothing?

I probably have the daggiest children around and I LOVE that! I dress my kids for comfort and practicality. My favourite kids clothes are hand-me-downs, I love free things! My kids spend more time in their pajamas (or naked!) than anything else. I let them wear pajamas in public, bare feet in public, it really doesn't phase me. 

My kids are gorgeous and loved, and they know that. Their clothes are simply practical, nothing more. 

Of course if we were going to a special event I'd make sure they looked smart but I'd still never buy them expensive clothes or dress them up for every day life. 

With my step daughter, who is a teenager, it is slightly different. Two reasons: one, she's a girl so there is an added layer of wanting to help her to learn how to be confident in her skin and how to dress for her body shape, her own style and colouring. Secondly, she's older so teaching her the wonderful art of learning that a bit of modesty, and leaving something for the imagination, is much more tasteful and appealing that being trashy is important to me. Even with her though she has never placed a great deal of importance on clothes and we've certainly never spent a stack of cash on clothes for her. I'd rather her have a small wardrobe of clothes that suit her, fit her well and make her feel good than heaps of ill-fitting, unflattering, cheap clothes. 

4. How do you approach the following factors when making decisions in clothing your children? * when to replace clothing   * where you go to find or buy clothes   * how much money to spend   * issues to checkout while choosing their clothes   * what the child wants and like   * your own personal taste   * any other factors.

I don't replace clothes for my kids until they are completely RUINED! Most of their clothes were hand me downs, then get worn by both of them and then get passed on to my cousins son!

When I do need to buy them clothes it tends to be for my oldest son (if we don't have enough hand me downs in the next size up!). I wait for sales and then I buy 3x short sleeve t-shirts, 3x long-sleeve t-shirts, 2x jumpers, 3x shorts, 3x long pants (usually at least two of these are track suit pants for comforts sake), underwear and socks. I have never spent more than $200-$250 on all of the items listed above that they need in one size. When I have done that I then pass the clothes down to my next son and then on to my cousins son so pretty good value I'm sure they'll get passed on again after that too!

If the kids are particularly interested in a certain toy, character or theme I've bought them a t-shirt or pajamas featuring that favourite thing but because that's "special" we give them that as a birthday or Christmas present. I do take their colouring into consideration when I buy clothes too I must admit! Luckily for me both boys have the same colouring which helps!

5. From your experience, what tips would you give a mum grappling with clothing her children?

I'd simply say think practically and let them be kids. They'll have plenty of time to be sophisticated and dashing (if they want to be) when they're an adult. If you buy flash, expensive clothes you'll end up stifling their play because you'll be more concerned with them ripping their pants or staining their shirt... That's just unnecessary stress in my mind. 

I consider one of my main jobs as a parent as teaching our kids the art of "time and place". There is a time and place for most things in life and the ability to make wise judgements about that is what they need to learn. Clothes are a bit the same, time and place need to be taken into account. 

In our family home is a place for pajamas and chilling out and that's just the way we like it.