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"With regard to the choice of friends and companions, again, we should train children so that we should be able to honour them with a generous confidence; and if we give them such confidence we should find that they justify it." SCHOOL EDUCATION : Charlotte Mason p.40.
This is the 4th post discussing six specific areas where parents can respectfully treat their children as a person.
The call on parents from this quote, to consider if they treat their children with respect, is a necessity. Parental methods used today, commonly focus either on things being to the convenience of parents or parents having an obsession in idolising their children. Neither could be described as "honouring them (the children) with a generous confidence." Rather, lack of confidence in children is widespread among many parents.
This is why I continue to return to Charlotte Mason's philosophy, both with her principles, such as "honouring (children) with a generous confidence", and also to study her practical methods to fulfil and train these principles in my family.
HOW DO PARENTS HELP CHILDREN HOW DO PARENTS HELP CHILDREN
FORM WORTHWHILE FRIENDSHIPS. FORM HOPELESS FRIENDSHIPS.
1. I'll adopt the phrase from last 1. Parents give their children little
week's post - Parents need to give or no material e.g.s of great friend-
their children "large thoughts" of ships. Movies and books with
what friendship is about. quality friendship stories are not
Great literature, movies, biograph- included for their child's viewing.
ys, folk-lore, even comics are a Anything is acceptable for viewing
huge source of worthwhile and reading. The likely influence
friendships to tap into. into the child's life will be self-
Look for elements of friendship centred.
such kindness, fun and enjoyment,
trust, forgiveness, perseverance,
honour and respect, helping at
cost to oneself, not being selfish.
Look at friendships in different
cultures, philosophies, lifestyles,
historic times and socio-economic
situations where children are given
descriptions and can see the
thoughts, practices, habits and
interests of people in valued
friendships.
Charlotte Mason says that by child-
ren listening to, watching and
personally reading such material,
it is like adding "grist to their mill"
- children are given substantial
material to 'grind up' and apply to
their own relationships.
One e.g. CS Foster's Hornblower
book series or the movie series,
should be watched by all boys 12
years and up.
2. With the points above in place, 2. With the points above in place,
when your child forms a friendship when your child forms a friendship
with a child you think is not with a child you think is not suitable
suitable, let them be with it. In discuss every pathetic quality their
time they will find out the failings friend possesses.
of the friendship. If you do this on a regular basis
Parents do however, have a part and make a big deal of it, you will
to play. If the child deeply loves, dull the child's sensitivity to the
honours and respects their "vital points of character which is
parents, by freedom of their own the cause of most shipwrecked
choice, they will be keen to know lives."
and will detect what their parents' The child has no skills to use, test
opinion is of their new-found and make decisions about friends.
friend. The result is clear - disastrous
friendship failure.
3. Parents freely discussing what 3. Parents either don't talk about
they enjoy about their dearest their friends to their children, or
friends in the company of the only rave on about all the ways
children. their friends let them down and
This is how parents show and criticise them in their children's
intimate to their children, what hearing.
they believe is important to look
for in friendship.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ Where are YOU? Which side of the page are you on? Can you see effects of disaster or success in your child's friendships?
It is never too late to bring change into your child's life. Here's what you do. Re read this post again and put into place what you find is lacking in your family.
All the very best.
Cathy
Alamy.
"... the spending of pocket-money is another opportunity for initiative on the children's part and for self-restraint on that of the parents. No doubt the...(parent) who doles out the weekly pocket-money and has never given...(their) children any large thoughts about money - as to how the smallest of income is divisible into the share that we give, and the share that we keep, and the share that we save for some object worth possessing,... can not expect...(their) children to think of money in any light but as means to self-indulgence... By degrees pocket-money should include the cost of gloves, handkerchiefs, etc., until, finally, the girl who is well on in her teens should be fit to be trusted with her own allowance for dress and personal expenses. The parents who do not trust their young people in this matter, after having trained them, are hardly qualifying them to take their place in a world in which the wise, just, and generous spending of money is a great test of character." SCHOOL EDUCATION : Charlotte Mason. p 41.
This post, which is the third in this series, is part of a philosophy that is explained throughout the entire series. So please read each post so you can gain the full thought of how to treat children as persons.
MONEY AND OUR CHILDREN ~
Many years ago when I first read these particular sentences in the quote above, we already had a different plan with our children in regards to money. From the start we didn't have any spare money to think about giving the children pocket-money. My husband and I had no such money to allocate to ourselves on a weekly basis or spend as we wished. And so as a family we took the approach that money was something you earn and with it came certain responsibilities.
But our children were given opportunities where they earned some money for themselves. A dollar or two that an aunt gave if they massaged her shoulders and brushed her hair. One child offered to do helpful jobs at home above and beyond their normal family chores. Some of the kids made saleable items for the community such as baking. One son as a young boy 'went to work' to help friends who built houses and landscaped and there earned a little money along with many other skills and life attitudes.
However when I found and read the section above, I welcomed the thought that money was another opportunity for my children to develop their personal initiative and for me to stand back.
WHAT PARENTS GIVE ALONG WITH THE POCKET-MONEY ~
I was also encouraged that the writer saw an automatic responsibility that parents had when giving their children pocket-money. To simultaneously give them "large thoughts about money".
This is not handing out instructions on how to use and spend the pocket-money. Instead "large thoughts.." are preferably presented to a child during normal life conversations, through reading books, watching movies and observations of people around us, where the child sees for themselves the consequences that come from the choices and ways people use their money. This gives a child material to think on, a basis from which they then choose how to spend their own money.
MONEY: THE SHARE WE GIVE ~
Our children knew that any money that came their way was not theirs to totally spend on themselves. Making them aware of the needs of people we knew both directly and indirectly and being part of giving assistance, even financially, established a backdrop for them to understand that if you have money, then with it you also carry a responsibility to help others. So Charlotte Mason's idea that "the smallest income is divisible into the share that we give", seemed very sound advice, especially in her placement of this being the first thought one is to have with their money.
There are many ways a child can be part of giving their money away. It is important that it be their choice to give to this need, and best if they can be part of it and see in action the effect of the giving of such money.
MONEY - THE SHARE THAT WE KEEP ~
The remaining part of the child's money, after the share that is given away, is divided into "the share that we keep" and "the share that we save".
How much the amount is that is kept or given or saved, is not suggested in the quote. Each person is to work that out. But from this portion, as well as a child buying what they please, "By degrees" a child is also to take ownership to support themselves.
It could start with paying for their own ice creams on holidays, paying the extra money required to buy a particular bag or pair of sports shoes they would like, paying their own bus fare or for the petrol when borrowing mum's car to go and see friends, paying for their own mobile phone and its maintenance. It must be by degrees and reasonable when you consider the amount of money they have. It must also be through real situations so they are trained by failure when money is ill-spent and brought up to a point where they are "fit to be trusted" with the use of money, well prepared for their life ahead.
One of our daughters before she was a teenager was completely hooked on a series of books and so chose over a year to buy the lot from the publisher in America - a lot of money. Once read they sat on the bookshelf and a few years later when she attempted to sell them, received a tiny amount of money in comparison to what she had paid. But a lesson was learnt, to her cost.
MONEY - THE SHARE WE SAVE ~
This concept is so rarely thought about or actioned today. Even banks with their lending policies seem to discourage saving while encouraging us to spend. To the contrary, here parents are advised to train children to "save for some object worth possessing". The experience of waiting and saving over time, of thinking carefully about the choice of what to save for is suggested to start its practice from childhood. The repeated experience and pleasure found as each worthy possession that is saved for is finally bought, builds a great quality in a developing person. It also builds a healthy understanding of adult life, where most people have to save and wait to own a house and many other things.
MONEY - A TRAINING GROUND ~
The recurring idea in this quote is that pocket-money is a training ground for children. What are you training into your children? What attitude are you giving them to do with their use of money? Is it encouraging their development to become persons who are "wise, just, and generous" in their use of money, persons of character?
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ don't get side-tracked and just think about if to start giving pocket-money to your children, or how much money you should give. Get to the real point and begin to equip your kids to deal with their money by giving them "large thoughts about money". This is the only way to equip them well financially for their futures.
Cathy
".... we do not let children alone enough in their work. We prod them continually and do not let them stand or fall by their own efforts. One of the...disastrous features of modern society, is that in our laziness we depend upon prodders and encourage a vast system of prodding...If we pay a subscription to a charity, we expect the secretary to prod us when it becomes due. If we attend a meeting, do we often do so of our own spontaneous will, or because somebody asks us to go and reminds us half a dozen times of the day and the hour?...What we must guard against in the training of children is the danger of their getting into the habit of being prodded to every duty and every effort. Our whole system of school policy is largely a system of prods. Marks, prizes, exhibitions, are all prods; and a system of prodding is apt to obscure the meaning of must and ought for the boy and girls who gets into the habit of mental and moral lolling up against his prods." SCHOOL EDUCATION:Charlotte Mason p. 38.
This is the second post in this series.
The language of the quote above shows that it was written over 100 years ago, but the content is as contemporary as tomorrow.
* I like that from the start the writer directs the responsibility for the pathetic condition of "lolling" children, back to parents.
"Lolling" - what a word!
Its popular use today as an acronym "Laugh Out Loud Literally" or "I'm laughing with you", may seem completely removed from its use in this quote. But its traditional meaning from the dictionary, of hanging, dangling, leaning in a loose idle and relaxed manner against something, with an end result of becoming like a spoilt child, is a relevant description of today's lolling child.
* A second point the author makes that I like, is that this habit of lolling, "obscures the meaning of must and ought' for children. When things are automatically dealt with and done by others, a child looses any idea of self responsibility. There is no development of an intuition of what they ought to be or do. It is killed off or obscured.
We see this point played out on a regular basis in our house. We have lots of people for meals but even though everyone eats the food and sees the dirty dishes, still some people have no sense of what Charlotte Mason calls ought, no awareness of the idea to lend a hand in tidying up.
* The third point is a powerful one, the danger in "getting (children) into the habit of being prodded to every duty and every effort." This alarming practice is the norm in many households. It is an explanation of why we have so many bored, ambition-less children who lack any volition. Life is taken care of for these children, they don't experience the consequences of a choice they make. It is all tidily dealt with and they move on unaware of the natural, real impact life decisions have on a person. How will such lolling children ever work well or live well in a world which cushions no one?
Some answers and solutions ~
# It must start with parents "letting children alone", as Charlotte Mason says, letting the natural course run so they find out the consequences for themselves.
~ After telling the toddler a number of times not to open and close the sliding door or kitchen drawers, let them discover for themselves that there is pain when their tiny finger is squashed.
~ Let the child who never puts their dirty clothes in the washing machine, discover for themselves that clean clothes soon run out.
~ Let the child who won't get out of bed on time, discover that they will miss the school bus, and inherit the job to explain themselves to the teacher at school.
They must learn this for themselves, with no prods. They must "stand or fall by their own efforts."
# Parents must simultaneously work on growing an honourable "dutiful impulse" in their children. This is NOT done by prodding, but rather through a parent's example of a happy and generous work ethic. It is also developed by parents genuinely loving their kids by listening to them, spending time being with them, sharing life with them and trusting them to know what they ought to do. All of this creates a love and respect from children for their parents and generates a healthy and mature attitude of what they "must and ought" to be and do in life.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ As you read this post, especially the last point, you may think it far fetched and not possible for your children to ever learn to grow up to know what to do without you prodding them. Can I appeal to you to think again. I have 7 children, the 5 eldest in their twenties now, and they have been brought up with these principles to become exactly what I have described above. They honour and respect their parents, they have a clear sense of what they ought and must do and are extremely responsible adults and all enjoy the benefits of being sort after in their various work situations because of these qualities.
So this week start on this new method in your family.
Cathy
Image - powerofmoms.com
"There is so much task-work to be done, so many things that must be done, not learned, but learned about, that it is only now and then a child gets the chance to produce himself in his work."
"The children's thought was stimulated, and they felt they had it in them to say much about...whatever...subject struck their fancy. 'They felt their feet,' as..(people)..say of children when they begin to walk;"
SCHOOL EDUCATION: Charlotte Mason p. 37.
This series is attempting to discuss six areas where parents, can treat children as 'persons'.
This, the first post, is in the area of WORK - home jobs or responsibilities, or school work.
The quotes above are from Charlotte Mason who wrote over a hundred years ago. The point she makes is as true today as it ever was.
Some parents want their child to do a job in just the same way as they do it. Why? Because they consider their way is right, or the best, or the quickest. Maybe their parent straight-jacketed them to copy their method of doing the job, many years earlier. Or possibly they found their method after many tries and failures to get the task done. The second approach is what children need today - experiences to let their humour, their artisticness, or their need of haste, or precision... come to the fore. That way the job gets done by them using their own personal initiative.
If parents persist with an attitude to children that they need to be told, directed, instructed in how to do things, they rob their children, because they ignore the fact that each child has a mind with it's unique qualities and perspectives on approaching things.
The second quote above describes what happens when a child is allowed to use their personal initiative in their work. The child is encouraged, stimulated, they gain confidence which pours over into other areas of life. They view the work as fun or enjoyable. Children now see themselves as capable because they have found things for themselves or 'felt their feet'. This is what growing up or maturing is all about.
Any artistic work a child or adult is involved in requires total person initiative ~ so ~
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ ask your child to do a job which they are capable to do but have never done before. Let them handle it as they wish. Give no guidelines unless they ask you a question.
Cathy
Photo : Getty.
"After the movers leave, but before the boxes are unpacked, her four kids will bounce balls and laughter off the barren walls in games of keep-away or "wall ball". Soon enough, balls will be banished from the house, but in the meantime, this fun tradition gives the children something to look forward to and reinforces the fact that home is wherever the family is." says Jennifer McDonald, in JOCELYN GREEN'S article MOVING....AGAIN" in Focus on the Family's magazine "THRIVING FAMILY". Summer 2013.
Nowadays, more families move house more often than families did in our grandparents' generation. There are many reasons for this, including job transfers, downsizing for financial reasons, and the consequences of marriage and partner split ups.
The effect of moving house, particularly regularly moving house can be devastating. Children more than adults can suffer with loss of friends and family, familiar surroundings and lifestyle habits. Adults of course can be hurt by these changes, but adults are part of the decision to move. Children are not.
I know of some families who regardless of their many moves, have kids who seem little affected negatively.
Why is it then that some families that move a lot end up with troubled children, while others take it in their stride?
The difference comes from your attitude.
Jocelyn Green gives FIVE excellent practical ideas ~
1. "Brief the kids early"
Bring them in on your plans to move as early as possible so they too can prepare and say 'goodbye' to friends. Parents often give little thought to the fact that children can and need to do this in their own way, so they need time.
2. "Provide individual reassurance"
Love your kids more via their own Love Language over this period of time - Words of Affirmation/Gifts/Serving/Physical Touch/Quality Time. Here's where parents often are overwhelmed by the move and forget the kids need more love at this time of change. Children don't have the maturity or life experience that adults have, so they need help. Jocelyn rightly emphasises that it is vital to give this type of love to introverted children especially.
3. "Strengthen family ties and long-distance friendships"
With all the changes moving house brings, this is the time to deepen connections with family and friends whose relationships are important to our kids. Parents can do this by simply chatting about these people while working together with the kids. Children can also be parked at the computer on Skype or on the phone with grandparents, aunties and uncles and friends who are meaningful in their life and leave parents to do some uninterrupted packing. Continuing involvement with these important people and giving them access into our children's lives gives wonderful stability.
4. "Strategise at school"
On arrival at the new location, the best plan is to establish links into the community and school. For example, if your child played tennis at the local club, join the new club straight away. The same should be done with school involvements, get them participating from the start. Preschoolers need connections set up immediately so there is the feeling of continuity. Some moves however, take people into a totally different culture or lifestyle to the one they left. In these cases it is important to discuss as much as possible with the children from the start, finding out information which assists them in looking at new options, so they are able to connect up smoothly. This is not always viable, but information gathering and discussions certainly prepare and help children adjust into new situations.
5. "Cultivate the constants"
Once in the new neighbourhood, maintain the normal patterns and routines of your family. This doesn't mean you can't do things differently because this is one of the exciting things about moving somewhere new. Choose to improve your time together, such as after eating a family meal, extend the together time by playing a quick game, sharing chocolate or toasting marshmallows around the fire, or soaking up the last of the sunshine together. As parents we can choose to make simple things into family times.
I would add two last points to the above list ~
6. Involve the children in as much as possible ~
If you are packing your own possessions in the move, bring the kids in on it.
Older teenagers who drive can pickup packing boxes, dispose of the loads that need to be thrown away, vacuum and clean areas once they are cleared and organise and plan many aspects of the move.
Younger teenagers can physically lift things, step into doing some of the routine washing and cooking while packing goes on, handle interruptions such as the phone.
After thoroughly looking through all a child's possessions with a parent, a child from 5 years up can be given some responsibility to pack their own things.
By making it a family team effort, the work load is shared.
Moving is one of those occasions where parents do well to take on the growing fashion of listening to everyone for any innovative ideas - then implementing the winning ones. You never know one of your own kids may have entrepreneurial skills.
7. Start early ~
It always takes longer than you expect. This way life doesn't have to 'shut down' the last week before you leave, you will prevent having a heart attack and will have space mentally and emotionally to farewell people properly.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ have a profitable time packing - I'm thinking of YOU Val!!
Cathy
www. pbs.org
"But one habit drives out another." Charlotte Mason
This is the third part of the series "When the Kids are Out of Control".
Part 1 was posted June 25 2013, and Part 2, "The Emotional Tank", was posted July 2 2013.
The third piece or part of a solution that brought change to my children who were out of control, was a concept that Charlotte Mason wrote about - ESTABLISHING A RIGHT ACTION IS BETTER THAN PUNISHING OR WORKING TO CHANGE A WRONG ACTION.
In her writings she explained why my 'telling' a child to stop doing a wrong action, wasn't working ~
* I wasn't showing them how to stop the wrong action.
* after I had requested they stop, I wasn't following up to ensure they did stop.
* so my kids began to ignore me asking them to stop bad behaviour.
* soon they were hardly aware that I had asked them to stop misbehaving - they had zoned out to my talking.
Charlotte explained a method to change a bad habit into a new good habit. (I am going to use as an example the habit of the inability to stop talking and interrupting.)
1.) The bad habit has made a record on their brain.
2.) The only way to remove it is to work towards completely stopping the habit for a period of time - at least a month, during which new brain cells are developing as a new habit is formed. This step is successfully used by drug and alcohol rehabilitation groups.
3.) To have any hope of doing this, you need complete agreement from your child that they want to change this bad habit. To do this you need to make them aware of ~
* what they will become if they don't stop the bad habit
* how it will hurt them personally as a teenager and an adult
* the damage it will bring to relationships in the future.
They must want to change, so you need to think how to present this successfully to your child. I have found it is best to find a happy moment between you and your child to talk through the 3 points above. (some HINTS - for children 11years and up - talk while you drive in the car or walk together, this way they don't feel you are dictating to them but rather you are having a chat. With younger children you need to get their attention so it is best to be able to have regular eye contact with them through the conversation.)
The conversation must be age relevant and appropriate to them personally. Here is an example of such a conversation :
"Vanessa, do you realise that you are always interrupting me and talking over me when I talk with Dad? It happened yesterday too, when I was talking with some of the women at coffee group. I don't like you interrupting me like this. If you keep non-stop talking, when you are 13 and go to high school, like Simon next door, you will be sent out of class by teachers, have caution letters sent home as you're disturbing the class with your talking. Your teenage friends will get sick of you with all that talking and no listening.
Once you are an adult with a job, your boss will not be happy if you're talking all the time and your work doesn't get done.
Life for you could be pretty unhappy. Is this what you want?
Would you like to learn how to stop talking and interrupting people? I can help you, if you want."
Remember you know your child and how blunt or sensitive you need to be. Whatever you say and however you say it, you must convince them they need to change. So use your imagination and skills in communication.
4.) As the parent, you know exactly when the bad habit regularly pops up. Think about what triggers it. Can you change something to help remove the bad habit? With the habit of non-stop talking and interrupting, it possibly pops up every time you start to talk with your partner, because this is when you give your attention to someone else. It is common for children to want continual free access to their mum or dad - 'parent on tap'. For this reason it would help to spend more time on Ross Campbell's three Emotional Tank fillers - Eye Contact, Physical Contact and Focused Attention (click on "The Emotional Tank" post July 2 2013, link at the top)
5.) Next, think out a plan to establish a new habit. Often the best new plan is the exact opposite of the old bad habit. It must be simple and workable because it must work every time. Go about it quietly and cheerfully, (don't make a big deal about it) just make sure they follow the new plan.
You may need to arrange a signal with your child to remind them they need to remember what you have talked about, which will bring them back on track rather than going back to the old habit. A signal between you is more powerful than you verbally reminding them what they must do. A signal keeps the choice or responsibility to adopt the new plan, firmly with the child, which is where it needs to be.
Respond regularly with a "well done", a kiss... after they successfully follow through with the new plan. Once again you should increase your Eye Contact, Physical Contact and Focused Attention during the month while the new habit is established.
A plan to stop the habit, non-stop talking and interrupting in a child, is to adopt the habit of listening to other people as they speak. A signal to help a child to remember to not talk and instead to listen, could be, to pass your hand across your mouth and then gently pull out both ears. The hint is simply communicated, and then the child remembers.
Another support for your child while they learn to listen and not talk, is to cuddle them or sit them on your knee as you chat with your partner. If they begin to talk give your arranged signal and increase loving them. Do this as often as possible - make it a priority.
Follow the same plan as much as possible when out. The more practice the quicker and firmer the new habit is established.
6.) It is always best to do a simple, brief reminder on the way as you drive to Grandma's, the coffee group, supermarket.... talk with them about where they are going, what will happen there and what is expected from them there - prepare them. Don't discuss old past failures, keep it positive so they believe they can successfully work with the new plan while they are out. Encourage them, and be available while out for them to come for a cuddle or support if things get hard for them.
7.) The more practice at home you do the quicker the new habit will be in place, simultaneously this is putting an end to the old bad habit. The younger you start this sort of training, the easier it is.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ choose one of your children and one of their bad habits and think of its opposite. Decide how to have that conversation to get them onboard and see that they must change. Make your plan and you are off and away - out with the old habit and a new one will soon be established in their life. Enjoy it all and keep positive with the irresistible habit of patience as an example to help them to persevere.
Cathy
"Pride slays thanksgiving .... A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves." Henri Ward Beecher : Life Thoughts, Gathered from the Extemporary Discourses of Henri Ward Beecher.
In a busy, go-get-it orientated age, to introduce the topic of death into a conversation or as a blog post, is hardly considered appropriate. Death, however, is the one true fact that all humans of every ethnicity, religion, social class, mental and physical ability, career path and financial attainment, will experience.
Three weeks ago my Mum died in Australia, just three days before her 90th birthday. All her children were with her attempting to provide an atmosphere of what she loved and held dear, in the midst of swearing and awkward visitor conversations with the other patients in Mum's room.
I thought it was like a circus, my sisters who had lived in Africa said it was all very 'African'.
Apart from the beeping drip monitors, Mum seemed oblivious to the inappropriate happenings, even the publicness of the man on his bed-pan, just through the curtain.
My Mum, always quietly elegant, wore gloves to drive the car as a young mum, wore clip-on earrings and foundation makeup everyday, till the week before she died.
But as the poets have said, in these hours leading up to death, the practices and preferences of a lifetime are left and only what is truly precious is held on to.
As all participants in her funeral said, as things became tougher in her latter years, my Mum increasingly grew and received energy from giving thanks. What a seemingly insignificant and child-like practice! But in the face of death it shows a different side. The inconveniences of the room and her physical struggle did not change.
In the three years since Ann Voskamp's book "one thousand gifts" had been published, my Mum had read it seven times that we know of. The book's subtitle "A DARE to LIVE FULLY right where you are", had been practiced so that in the hours of pneumonia death, she was ready, she knew radical gratitude and so trusted her now as well as her future, to God.
This was not some mind exercise in positive thinking. It was real. A person had been changed - we, her four daughters who knew her so closely, saw it. Her practiced thankfulness had made her grateful, confident and incredibly beautifully attractive - if you can understand that to be possible in a frail, body-wrinkled woman.
I miss my daily phone conversations with her, where my purpose was to encourage, but the reality was the reverse. But I am so thankful that I saw this real side to my Mum and that she left us with these clear memories of hope.
Cathy.
