SHOULD THE SCREEN BE MY CHILD'S PLAY PAL? WEEK 33 QUOTE 33

This is my fourth and final post on PLAY, based on Stuart Brown's book "play".


"The intense visual stimuli that screens provide, along with a captivating narrative, can be very seductive playmates. I've seen kids who are happily playing with blocks on the floor, interacting with each other, negotiating, inventing new story lines, being energetic and talkative. And then the television comes on and play stops. Interaction is no more. The story line is set by the box, and the kids are now merely along for the ride, motionless and mute. Single-player video games are similarly attention hogs and socially isolating.....
......The other concern I have with the excessive use of screen based entertainments is that they neglect a deep human need to interact with the material world:...... Much of our interaction with this world is through the hands ........ the hand has been far and away the primary tool our body uses for manipulating (a word derived from the Latin word for "hand") the world around us. ......  "a hand is always searching for a brain and a brain is in search for a hand" as Frank Wilson likes to say.
Wilson feels, as do I, ....... that the use of the hands to manipulate three-dimensional objects is an essential part of brain development. All over the world kids play with blocks, fashion mud pies, push around toys, throw balls, build 'forts' and 'houses'. Normal play, the play that I have shown is constantly fertilizing neural growth and complexity, is packed with examples of hand use.
......... So when kids involve their hands in work, play and exploration, they are developing their brains in a manner that is in line with our design ......."
Page 184 -185 "play": Stuart Brown.


How many screens do you have at your house? I have to be honest and report that currently there are 5 at my house :(

As Nicholas Carr says, "........ it is hard to imagine life without it (the worldwide web)." But Carr joins Stuart Brown in his concern about its affect on our brain, then goes a step further to say ~ "The digital age is changing the makeup of our brains in a negative way". Carr speaks of scientific research revealing that the net's constant interruptions and distractions "is turning us into scattered and superficial thinkers". Carr admits his own difficulty in this area in an article "The Internet is Making us Dumber", saying, "I realised I was losing my own capacity for concentration and contemplation. Even when I was away from my computer, my mind seemed hungry for stimulation, for quick hits of information. I felt perpetually distracted." His research backed up his personal concerns - that computers increase the speed of mind function or automatic thinking, but that simultaneously the mind lessens its rigorous thinking skills and the "subtlety of human thought."

Nicholas Carr also compared the comprehension level of a reader reading "text studded with links", to the reader "who reads words printed on pages." The first reader, who was reading online with the ready-to-go clicks to numerous extras on offer, comprehends less when compared to a reader reading words printed on the page of a book. (For your better reading comprehension I will stay add-free and linkless if possible :))  He says the same is true for people watching a multi media presentation versus "a more sedate and focused manner" of information presentation.


The common element under attack here is one's concentration or one's attention.
Paying close attention to new pieces of information is essential for any connection "meaningfully and systematically with knowledge already well established in our memory" to occur, says Nobel Prize winning Neuroscientist Eric Kandel.
The constant distraction of the screen of our computer or mobile phone makes it virtually impossible for our brain to form the deep and wide connections essential for the development of a mind of substance.
Patricia Greenfield is a developmental psychologist and runs UCLA's Children's Digital Media Centre. She has reviewed dozens of studies on how media technologies affect cognitive abilities. Greenfield says that the asset of screen-based media is that it develops visual-spacial intelligence, providing skills of "keeping track of lots of rapidly changing signals", as a pilot would use when piloting a plane, or a medic would use when "monitoring a patient during surgery." But the detrimental side is dramatic, with "new weaknesses in higher-order cognitive processes", and lacks in "abstract vocabulary, mindfulness, reflection, inductive problem solving, critical thinking and imagination." It all points to "shallow" brain development.
Working styles of both academic researchers and the working habits of school and university students on line, involves rapid movement from document to document with little time actually spent looking at the words on each page. 
A recent experiment at Stanford University found that people who are heavy media multi-taskers were more easily distracted, had trouble controlling their attention and were less competent in identifying important information from trivia. these findings surprised the researchers, with one summing it up saying, "Everything distracts them".
Nicholas Carr says that the trouble is that when we turn the screen off, these problems don't leave us, because "our habits of mind" are being remodelled by the computer. Some aspects are being strengthened while others are weakened, permanently altering how we think.


But, you may say, this is all 'miles away' from where my children are, and you may think their video gaming or computer screen play is completely suitable.
Online gaming, Stuart Brown says, "offers a world in which they (kids) can succeed. They are quickly rewarded for success and failure is easily reversed." But real life is not like this - full of regular quick rewards, or offering control to reverse failures. The child therefore who spends a lot of time in online gaming is learning a distortion of how life and relationships work. Regular gamers are not equipped to deal well with life's varied and ambiguous challenges because they 'live' so much in the false game-created world. 
Brown says that children. as well as adults who experience intense pressure to succeed, a strong need to 'get to the top', or find themselves in 'rigid career paths' which offer little opportunities for them to express or be themselves, can often find online gaming very attractive ~ even addictive. The controlled world, the clear unambiguous qualities and the decisive WIN nature of these games, is extremely comfortable to them.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ where will you 'go' with this information?
It may all be old knowledge, or seem thoroughly 'over the top', or a worry to you.
Stuart Brown throughout his book, "play", refers to the need for children and adults to be involved in "three-dimensional, physical and social play". He likens this to being on a balanced healthy diet that gives nourishment and maximum strength in development as well as contentment and satisfaction.

Dominant play that consists of gaming, Stuart describes to be like a two-dimensional picture which activates only part of the visual cortex of the brain, leaving vast areas unaroused and "silent". This he compares to be like living on a diet full of sugar hits - yes providing instant gratification but in truth being hugely damaging in the long term.


I know I need to have some conversations with my family. 
How about you?


Cathy

PLAY DEVELOPS CREATIVITY, INNOVATION AND IMAGINATION. WEEK 32 QUOTE 32

JAPAN   -   OUR HEARTS AND MINDS THINK OF YOU EVERY DAY AS YOU 
                                                RE-ESTABLISH YOURSELF AGAIN.


This post is PART 3 of a series on PLAY based on Stuart Brown's book "play".

"The  creative process is popularly thought to be mysterious. Highly creative people come in various temperaments, work habits and educational backgrounds, making it difficult to find a common denominator to their creative processes..... Creative people can be simultaneously hardworking and goof-offs. They can have a laser focus on a task, but keep the wide view that lets them see how something fits into the big picture. They are well-versed in their domain of knowledge, but they don't automatically discount new bits of information that don't seem to fit with the accepted canon. Creative people can escape into the imagination, but also are firmly grounded in reality. Creative ideas are often those that bring together ideas from different domains or fields.
Many of the paradoxes of creativity are embodied in play. Creative people know the rules of the game, but they are often open to improvisation and serendipity. Play is..... designed, to activate functionally diverse brain regions to synergistically integrate their function."
Today huge searches go on for innovative and creative people in their 20's and 30's. The hope is that these people will provide the new technology, new ideas, new processes for the future through their ability to think 'outside the square' in imaginative and radically new ways.
"....... a human resources officer working for a ....... US bank, Dave Stevens ........ found accurate indicators for innovation hiding within emotionally charged early play memories ........ he was able to establish criteria to assay whether prospective employees enjoyed novelty, how they reacted to making mistakes and learning from them, whether they were willing to take risks, and other factors that he had previously identified as being really important ....... He was able to accurately identify creative people and screen out those for whom innovation and creativity were not their primary nature."   
Page 135 - 137 "play": Stuart Brown.


As the opening sentences of this week's quote states creative, innovative and imaginative people come in many different varieties. Straight away as parents wanting to do our best in encouraging these qualities in our children, we are freed from a search to find THE product, game, book, school system or whatever to provide our child with exactly what they need leading to success in the creative areas of life. All children are unique and therefore certain games and activities that help one in their creativity, may be of no help for another.
As the quote goes on to say creative people - creative children are ecclectic. Even if their special favourite area is say drawing, their imagination which is naturally open scanning for ideas from other spheres, will be activated when in a completely different area such as touching a wet surface in the dark, or listening to sounds in the bush. Regardless of our thinking these areas to be unrelated, an imaginative mind can find parallels and connections between them, unique to their mind.

Children therefore need freedom to find, pursue, and work with a variety of experiences in life, and that most naturally happens for children through play - child-directed play (see the previous post on PLAY - How Can I Help my Kids Through Play? Week 30  Quote 30).
Play, the perfect situation where dealing with mistakes in several ways can be explored by the child.
Play, the perfect circumstance where one can gain confidence in self, finding aspects in oneself through taking risks.
Play, the perfect place to explore humor, things that could be described as zany, bizarre, foolish or crazy.
The trouble is that many of these aspects of play, which I clearly remember from my childhood, are now no longer the norm.
Some of these aspects are just too hard or take too much time.
Some are not thought educational.
Some would be thought to be nonsense, only leading to bad or uncontrolled behaviour. But these were the areas when played in through childhood, that grew creative, innovative and imaginative adults.
My often referred to 'hero' Charlotte Mason, wrote over a hundred years ago of imagination growing during childhood years "by what it gets". Childhood she said, "is the time for its (imagination) nourishing".
Dave Stevens joins with Charlotte Mason in pointing to rich experiences where children are enabled to put themselves into another's place, time, or person. Charlotte writes that this is also as essential of educational material, claiming that if the material is unable to transport a child's imagination, then it has failed in its purpose to educate - maybe this is something to test our systems of schooling by today! Her point is that to 'educate' a child or to work at extending their mind the development of their imaginative powers was essential.
So, what does a childhood that results in innovative, creative and imaginative adults, look like? As already stated there is no one model. But here are a few descriptions of some creative people's childhoods.
1.  He was born into a small community beside the Derwent River where he played alone in the mountains, in and by the river and in the ruins of the old castle tower. He was sent off to school at eight when his mother died, where his priority to be in nature continued, now along with his keen mates. Being in nature was like an addiction to him, with the trips over the hills and on the water becoming more daring. Study took him to Cambridge University after which he went to France, back to London then finally to the Lakes District where he began to write poetry. In time he was summoned by Queen Victoria to be her Poet Laureate. This was the life of William Wordsworth, poet of dozens of brilliantly clear, detailed poems about nature. This creative man was profoundly influenced all his life by his imaginative play in childhood.
2.  He was born in Germany near the end of the nineteenth century into a Jewish family. His father was a salesman and engineer. His father's gift of a pocket compass at age five intrigued the tiny boy who was mesmerized by the movement of its needle. The building of models and mechanical devices filled his childhood which led to a developing interest in mathematics. By age twelve, study-wise he was well into geometry and calculus. He did not finish high school, applying for the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in Zurich, Switzerland. He failed the entrance exam, but did exceptionally well in its mathematics and physics areas. At sixteen "he performed his first famous thought experiment, visualizing travelling alongside a beam of light". Albert went on to receive the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1921 for his phenomenal contribution to theoretical physics. Albert Einstein is best known for his Theory of Relativity and is one of the most creative and innovative men in the science world. It all began in imaginative childhood play.

3.  Another of my life 'heroes' was born in Spain, into a not particularly affluent environment. From an early age he was plagued with rheumatic ailments removing him from a normal active childhood of physical romping play. However it was with his eyes and thoughts which had free rein, that he 'played'. His standards of accomplishments in school and university seems to have been measured as completely ordinary. But from this man's creative brain came the most innovative architectural designs of all time. At the time of his premature death in 1926, the genius of this man was only starting to be discovered. Today in 2011, Antoni Gaudi's exquisite "Sagrada Familia" in Barcelona, Spain, began in 1883, is nearing completion. When I saw it 18 months ago, after a wait of 36 years, I was not disappointed, but totally inspired by Gaudi's imaginative creativity. The most complex architectural, topographical and engineering computer programs still can not reproduce what this man nearly 100 years ago created through models of thread and plaster -  that's imaginative innovation!
There are many examples of creative people that prove this link of early beginnings in imaginative childhood play. In every case there must be time, space and freedom to explore, pursue, investigate, get-to-know, to feel comfortable and choose when to step off into one's next level, through imaginative thinking and doing, in play.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ give your kids space and time to pursue what captivates them. Read this quote from Plato to be personally inspired, to then inspire your children -
"He (Plato) desired not to assist in storing the passive mind with various sorts of knowledge most in request, as if the human soul was a mere ...... banqueting room, but to place it in such relations of circumstance as should gradually excite its germinating powers to produce new fruits of thought, new conceptions and imaginations and ideas."
Cathy

CONTRIBUTORS OR CONSUMERS? WEEK 31 QUOTE 31

I have been memorizing this week's quote with my son for the last couple of weeks. It is actually an ancient oath that the young men of Athens took at age seventeen.
Although it was written for a different time to our own, I find some very impressive ideas in this oath to think about today.


                                                         "THE ATHENIAN OATH
We will never bring disgrace on this our City by an act of dishonesty or cowardice.
We will fight for the ideals and Sacred Things of the City both alone and with many.
We will revere and obey the City's laws, and will do our best to incite a like reverence and respect in those above us who are prone to annul them or set them at naught.
We will strive increasingly to quicken the public's sense of civic duty.
Thus in all these ways will transmit this City, not only not less, but greater and more beautiful than it was transmitted to us."


The earthquake in Christchurch New Zealand this past week prompted me to look at this oath through new 'eyes'. 
In Christchurch we have heard of wonderful examples of "the public's sense of civic duty" through individual works and the Student Army's eleven bus strong free labour gifts to the city of Christchurch. There's a real sense too that people in the Canterbury region are "fighting for the ideals and Sacred Things of the City both alone and with many". Here are displays of the deep connection The Athenian Oath describes, between individual people and the corporate people of a city. It could be that most of us don't realize this connection exists until it's called on or awakened through a situation such as the disaster this week in Christchurch.
But back in Athens in ancient Greece, young men were given deliberate attitude training which orientated them to the community, the city and not to self.
There are 5 things in this oath that are worth thinking on.
1.  I like the repeated focus of their oath being on what the individual can do for the city - their responsibility to the city. What a contrast to today's perspective of what the city and others should provide for me or owe me.
2.  The connection they make of personal "dishonesty" and "cowardice" reflecting onto one's city, bringing "disgrace" to the city. It really doesn't enter our heads to think like this today. We have lost the sense that our actions affect our city. We have also lost the feeling of honor for our city which the Athenians had towards theirs.
3.  They had a commitment to the "ideals" and "Sacred Things" of their city and fought for them individually and communally. Do we have ideals and Sacred Things in our city today? It seems we have become so individualistic and caught up in our own personal "ideals" and "Sacred Things", that there is no room left to accommodate 'someone else's'. 
4.  Their respect and honor for the laws of the city and those in leadership over them even if they did not uphold the city's laws. They then convinced and encouraged all to live and work as a contributing member to the city. Possibly today it would be thought ridiculous to honor or respect people over us. For some it is fashionable to criticize the lot of them. In contrast the Athenians are taking up the responsibility to respect and honor their laws, the leaders over them ( regardless of how they behave) and to convince and encourage others to see it as their duty also, to live and work as contributing members to the city. The view here is that you are part of a whole, not autonomous within yourself.
5.  But the last statement entails a commitment to personally contribute to the city in such a manner that you leave it a far greater, 'richer', more advanced, developed and improved city in comparison to how you came into it. Now this is something to think on. 
I remember when I left high school decades ago, my school year all personally put in money and gave the school the gift of two carved wooden gates for the school entrance as a 'thank you' for what they had given to us. Today when my kids have finished high school they are looking for what 'gifts' the school will send them off with.


THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS Are you bringing up your children with this type of mind set? A simplified version is to ask, Am I bringing up my child to be a contributor to or a consumer of our city?
Have a happy week - and remember those in Christchurch.
Back to the series on play next time.
Cathy

WHO'S DIRECTING MY CHILD'S PLAY? WEEK 30 QUOTE 30

This post is PART 2 of a series on PLAY, based on quotes from Stuart Brown's book "play".


"As they grow, kids are often taught out of (an) imaginative approach to play. . . . kids get toys that come straight out of hit movies or TV shows, toys that come with a preset collection of ideas about who the characters are and how children should play with the toy. This kind of preformed script can rob the child of the ability to create his own story. Instead, he is mimicking the expressions and lines that he is expected to say. A chance for imaginative flight of fancy is lost.
Authentic play comes from deep down inside us. It's not forced or motivated solely by others. Real play interacts with and involves the outside world, but it fundamentally expresses the needs and desires of the player. . . . All evidence indicates that the greatest rewards of play come when it arises naturally from within." 
Page 104 "play" by Stuart Brown.


As parents, we have probably all experienced the Christmas or birthday when we were so excited because we had the most wonderful, perfect present for our toddler. Wrapping paper off, box opened . . . and . . . shock, embarrassment, annoyance! The child seems more interested in the wrapping paper or the box than the present. The child is not being unappreciative or disrespectful - they're simply showing that they have a healthy, creative approach to play - a box or wrapping paper after all can be transformed by their imagination into dozens of fantastic things to play with.
We can equally be missing the right perspective on play with our older children too.
"We may think we are helping to prepare our kids for the future when we organize all their time, when we continually ferry them from one adult-organized, adult-regulated activity to another. And, of course, to some degree these activities do promote culturally approved behavior as well as reinforce our roles as "good" parents. But in fact we may be taking from them the time they need to discover for themselves their most vital talents and knowledge. We may be depriving them of access to an inner motivation for an activity that will later blossom into a motive force for life."Page 105 "play".


My hero, Charlotte Mason, knew this same wrong perspective from parents when she wrote over 100 years ago -
"But organized games are not play in the sense we (parents) have in view. Boys and girls must have time to invent episodes, carry on adventures, live heroic lives, lay seiges and carry forts, even if the fortress be an old armchair; and in these affairs the elders (parents) must neither meddle nor make (direct them). They (parents) must be content to know that they do not understand, and ... that they carry with them a chill breath of reality which sweeps away illusions. Think what it must mean to a general in command of his forces to be told by some intruder into the play-world to tie his shoe-strings! There is an idea afloat that children require to be taught to play - to play at being little fishes and lambs and butterflies. No doubt they enjoy these games which are made for them, but there is a serious danger. In this matter the child who goes too much on crutches never learns to walk; he who is most played with by his elders (parents) has little power of inventing plays for himself; and so he misses that education which comes to him when allowed to go his own way and act (play). Page 36-37 "School Education": Charlotte Mason

So, why do we parents "meddle", "organize", "regulate", buy our kids "toys that come with a preset collection of ideas? Four possible reasons ~
1.   It could be that we've been swept along by the advertising of toy companies and want to keep our children materially up with their peers. I hope this one isn't you. Don't be misled by commercial materialism. As a person, your child is far more important than an object showered with state-of-the-art toys. There is always something new 'coming soon', so don't waste the money, because it's fake investment into your child's life.
2.   It could be that we're worried our kids may get bored so we help them along and direct their play. Refer back to "WHAT IS PLAY?" Post 29 - Stuart Brown's 4th point, Inherent Attraction, in his seven Properties or Play - he says that play is a cure for boredom. He is not however referring to parent's organized or directed play but child organized and directed play.
3.   Or we might see it as our role to teach our children how to play. The Charlotte Mason quote above warns that "the child who goes too much on crutches never learns to walk .... and has little power of inventing play for himself .... "  This child misses what is needed to develop normally, fully. A small child when learning to physically walk goes through weeks of independent attempts to walk - falling and all. All children must have their independent attempts and experiments in play too, otherwise we are crippling them.
4.   Another reason is that we worry about the risks when our children play outside parent/adult supervision. They could be heading into trouble... Parents have wrestled with this problem since the beginning of time. We do have responsibilities as parents to guide and instill habits in our children so they know how to live and behave appropriately.
A wise gardener when planting a tree sets it up well - digging around the base, weeding it, pruning it, training it..... but that time period is small in comparison with the years that the tree independently grows and matures in the air, rain and sun. We parents are like that gardener, we need to do the hard work at the start and establish good growing patterns.
"But part of being a parent is learning to accept the limitations of our ability to make our kids safe, successful and happy. We should strive for all these things, but eventually they will grow and learn to be their own (we all hope).

All parents need to foster that internally driven, self directed play that will allow children to become secure and self-confident on their own. There are risks to this sort of play, and the risks should be monitored and minimized. But trying to suppress free play or rigidly control kids' activities poses, in my long-term experience, a far greater risk to their future health, success and happiness." Page 108 "play" Stuart Brown.




The first paragraph of this week's starting quote mentioned another area where children's imagination is stifled in play. It is when play stimulus material is all set up for our children, robbing them "of the ability to create"their own play. It's not just preschool toys that offend and fall into this category. Gaming play, both on line and otherwise are all guilty here. The gamer's thoughts and decisions are continually guided along. This is play that is "forced or motivated solely by others" not individual creativity or the expression of "the needs and desires of the player"that have risen "naturally from within". So how can this pursuit help our children play? Or develop their growing minds and bodies?


THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ You may need to assess some play practices at your house. If this post has sounded like a big negative to you, and you don't have much of an idea of play alternatives which will benefit your children, revisit some of the great memories you have of play from your childhood, or ask the grandparents for ideas and get the kids PLAYING!

WHAT IS PLAY? WEEK 29 QUOTE 29

This time last year I wrote my first post on the subject of play.


In the early days of becoming a mum I happened on the writings of Charlotte Mason who gave me a starting philosophy for play. Over the years of reading on the subject, my interest in the importance of the place of play in children's lives has grown. 


Last month, while 'playing' in a great New Zealand summer ~ in the water, on the beach and in the bush, I read "play" by Stuart Brown with Christopher Vaughan ~ a beautiful green and blue small hard-covered book.


As I read my respect for Stuart Brown grew as I discovered his work involved decades of research in the field watching various animals at play, the study of play deprivation and its connection to the development of hard-core criminal behaviour and teaching in the corporate world to win people to the idea of 'playing'.


I hope to write a few posts based on some of the gems I found in this book.


"PROPERTIES OF PLAY
....... the first quality of play that sets it off from other activities is its APPARENT PURPOSELESSNESS. Play activities don't seem to have any survival value. They don't help in getting money or food.......Play is done for its own sake. That's why some people think of it as a waste of time.
It is also VOLUNTARY - it is not obligatory or required by duty.
Play also has INHERENT ATTRACTION. It's fun. It makes you feel good...... It's a cure for boredom.
Play provides FREEDOM FROM TIME. When we are fully engaged in play, we loose a sense of the passage of time. We also experience DIMINISHED CONSCIOUSNESS OF SELF. We stop worrying about whether we look good or awkward, smart or stupid. We stop thinking about the fact that we are thinking. In imaginary play, we can even be a different self . We are fully in the moment, in the zone.....
Another hallmark of play is that it has IMPROVISATIONAL POTENTIAL. We aren't locked into a rigid way of doing things...... The act of play itself may be outside of "normal" activities. The result is that we stumble upon new behaviours, thoughts, strategies, movements or ways of being....... Those insights weren't the reason (we) played, but they arrived as the result of it. You never really know what's going to happen when you play.
Last, play provides the CONTINUATION DESIRE. We desire to keep doing it, and the pleasure of the experience drives the desire....... If something threatens to stop the fun, we improvise new rules or conditions so that the play doesn't have to end. And when it is over, we want to do it again."
Page 17 - 18 "play" : Stuart Brown.


On returning from my holiday 'play', at the northern end of the simple, slow Tutukaka coast, I was stunned on entering our local mall to see dozens of children playing in the centre's play area. Yes, the play equipment is probably professionally designed. Lovely safety flooring is down to cushion any tumble or fall, if that should occur. But these children were not involved in doing what Stuart Brown's book had described as 'play'.
Mr Brown's seven properties of play is the closest he gets to defining what play is, but I think he has given us sufficient to 'play with' and diagnose if a child is playing or not. So let's look at each.


1.  APPARENT PURPOSELESSNESS.
I love this one because it straight from the start reminds us that we don't need to justify play on some curriculum with tangible outcomes, purposes, future developmental steps...... It's simple, unorganized, individual and unique to each person and for each person.


2.  VOLUNTARY.
Well, that rules out kids being 'rail-roaded' into playing in teams they'd rather not be in, or forced to play in ways that they don't choose. This point tells us that the player initiates what, when and how they will play. As a parent it is good to have a whole lot of play gear and things for children to go through and get to know - but they are the ones who should choose how and what to play with and when to finish up to move on to something new.
I enjoyed reading the sections of the book "play" where the author relived his childhood of child dominated afternoons of play, where the kids decided what to play and worked out among themselves how the game was going to be played. Children had the freedom to play without guidance, not being affected in any way because no parents or adults were in sight. (It wasn't because they were away at jobs either).

These photos come from a story in the book where a tame husky dog, Hudson, got involved in an experience of a lifetime. It was the end of winter in Canada's north. Waterways were still frozen and therefore polar bears were very hungry by now, waiting for access to their choice salmon once spring arrived. One such polar bear appeared and moved towards a group of dogs of which Hudson was the leader. Hudson bowed, the bear lolloped and in moments the two were literally playing in full happiness. Then the polar bear turned and went back to where he had come from. Brian La Doone, the owner of Hudson, was amazed. The following day at the same time and place, again the bear appeared and went through the play routine. This went on for a week with a gathered group of spectators growing by the day to watch the spectacle. Meanwhile the temperature was slowly rising, the iced waterways melted and the polar bear came no more.


3.  INHERENT ATTRACTION.
My friend the dictionary tells me that play is an essential and natural part of our life. A right and function that is a component of being a person. Possibly it is like eating, drinking and sleep.... which we want to do because we must do them to live well. This is why we are attracted to food, drinks, rest and play. We experience feelings of well being , satisfaction, happiness.... after playing, resting, drinking or eating. But play has the bonus ability of curing boredom. The other three meet our needs but play extends and develops us and this is very attractive even addictive to us.


4.  FREEDOM FROM TIME.
There are things I remember doing as a girl where I became so absorbed that I didn't miss not sleeping or eating. Time had flown and it was irrelevant to me that Mum had yelled out saying dinner was on the table and now getting cold. I was satisfied as I played.


5. DIMINISHED CONSCIOUSNESS OF SELF.
This describes the state where children are freed to be themselves. They don't feel they are being observed, checked on or compared with others. They could be on their own playing or with other like-minded players. They are relaxed and at ease with themselves, with what they are doing and life at the moment.


6.  IMPROVISATIONAL POTENTIAL.
The best way to understand this point is to listen to some music by people such as Ray Charles, Louis Armstrong or Billy Holiday, or watch some Appalachian mountain cloggers perform. This tap dance style and these jazz musicians do not perform to a predetermined script, they improvise. Every time they sing, play or dance a particular piece, it will be unique - a one-off. 
In relation to play, improvisation is one of the most creative, exciting and exhilarating aspects, which lead children to develop in all areas of life. For creative people and children, this side of play needs to be regularly practiced.


7.  CONTINUATION DESIRE.
Here we have a cycle.  want to play - play - love of the experience builds bigger hopes to...
                                      want to play - play - ...........
The seventh property of play also speaks of a base on which future skills of prolonged concentration in all sorts of areas of life, will develop.


You may be thinking so what, seven properties of play. What's it got to do with my children and their playing?


THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS you could think of what your child's favourite play occupation is. Or the environment where your child plays most. Now re read the seven properties of play and carefully decide if they are experiencing each for themselves.
You may conclude that play at your house needs to change. Do it, and enjoy play as it was intended to be enjoyed.


Cathy

WEEK 28 QUOTE 28

"More than 20% of Britons expect a family bust up this Christmas, according to a survey.
The poll carried out by BBC Radio 5 live found 22% of those asked did expect a family argument during the festive period although the majority - 77% - expected harmony around the Christmas tree.
It also found that 13% of the respondents had stopped speaking to an immediate family member during the past year.
The survey - released on Monday - also found that 97% of people said their families made them feel happy whilst 60% said their jobs made them content.
However, Christmas turned out to be the favourite time for only 2 out of 5 respondents to the poll."


"ONE IN FIVE EXPECT FAMILY XMAS FIGHT" Dec 6 2010. smh.com.au  The Sydney Morning Herald.


It's about to HAPPEN - Christmas celebrations - sooner for some (like us here in New Zealand), than others (those on the west coast of America).
The gathering with family, the planned and created food, the much thought about and bought or grabbed gifts, the organized observance of traditions - these four elements seem to be a common part of celebrating Christmas. 
But in adding the doing of these elements to the already end-of-year tired lives of many, can be just too much, and the hopes of happy heartiness, the expectation of exciting experiences and memories, can be blown apart as families reunite and get together.
Some have been apart for most of the past year. Some have been apart for years. Some barely know each other. Families have often grown with new members - different to the 'old stock', which can bring new 'flavours'. And of course there's the dreams that have been anticipated and hoped for for weeks before the event.
For most families there will be some expression of a "family bust up", whether full scale or mild and kept in check.
So how can we head into this day of celebration and prevent ending it in a huge mess?
BY
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS  taking the initiative, and forgiving those in YOUR family and beyond, for the disappointments and hurts they have caused you.
Christmas is the perfect time to do this as it is the season which  is the start of the story of the greatest demonstration ever of love, which came through forgiveness. At Christmas, Jesus was born as a baby. This is the beginning  of the huge historic story. This is where the true celebration all begins.


HAVE A VERY HAPPY CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR FAMILY!!
SEE YOU NEXT YEAR.
Cathy

WEEK 27 QUOTE 27

"My friend Sophie, 46, who runs her own design company and is a single mother to 2 boys aged nine and eleven,.....has been single for 6 years, since her husband left her for another women.
Blonde, attractive and kind, she hasn't been on a date since he walked out.
'I have absolutely no idea how to be a women anymore,' she says, 'Because I run my business my home and make all the decisions about the boys, I feel totally unfeminine.'
'I'm terrified of dating as I have no idea how to behave. I would love a partner but I feel unattractive, untrusting, unsexy and completely alone.'
That, of course is the crux for many of us.
We honestly believed that if we worked hard, we could have it all and more.
Yet so many of us have ended up lonely, exhausted and broken-hearted, with far less of what we bargained for.... Clearly, men and women are increasingly out of sync, and the key could be in learning to be re-balanced ourselves as women and reclaim our essential softness."
FAST TRACK TO FEMININITY: Why Competing With Men has Left Women Out of Touch With Their Feminine Side . by Anna Pasternak.  Mail Online. www.dailymail.co.uk


This is PART 4 and the last part of "WHAT DAUGHTERS NEED FROM THEIR MOTHERS".


The above quote could be used as a discussion starter into many subjects and directions. You may wonder how this applies to what mums need to teach their daughters.
I want to take from this quote the thread of "femininity", and discuss the need of it in mums and daughters lives alike.
As our girls grow into teenagers and emerge into adult women, many have an unclear view of what being feminine IS. It regularly gets confused with being sexy, or being an old fashioned thing ladies of the past practiced. As girls, women or females ~ all of us are born with feminine aspects as a part of our personal character and being.
"A wise person once said that it's easier to build a healthy child than repair an adult. The best way to build emotionally healthy children who accept and enjoy their gender is for us as parents (grandparents or teachers) to affirm boys in their masculinity and girls in their femininity."  Sue Bohlin : Boys are From Mars, Girls are From Venus:Raising Gender Healthy Kids.


IS FEMININITY ~ to feel like one of the mythological women in Botticelli's 
                                 painting "Spring", in their semi transparent, veil-like
                                 garments?
                             ~ having dreadlocked hair piled high on one's head?
                             ~ being a princess or ballerina in pink with frills and bows
                             ~ sporting a tattoo or Maori Moko (tattoo from a Maori
                                 woman's lip to chin)?
                             ~ the feeling from a full makeover with new hairstyle?
                             ~ to stretch and lengthen one's ear lobes as women of
                                 Papua New Guinea did in the past?
                             ~ high heels and nail polish on?
                             ~ to live bare breasted as the women of South America 
                                 and other nations lived in the past?
                      YES all the above at some time in history and in some cultures
                      have been seen as feminine.
IS FEMININITY ~ exposing one's midriff with diamante crusted belly 
                                 button stud?
                             ~ to play 'dumb' 'cute' 'fragile'?
                             ~ just about clothing or only wearing dresses?
                             ~ about attracting men, or about how you feel about
                                 yourself, or a bit of both?


If I asked 10 or 100 women to show me what they thought femininity was, I'd have 10 or 100 different answers.
Here are some descriptions I found of what an UNFEMININE women is like. You may or may not agree with them.
* don't flirt with men              * don't wear makeup
* have an "acute need of affection"     *autonomous
* controls everything      * see relationships as business transactions
* competes with men    * often feels more masculine than feminine
* trampled (women's) core femininity into the ground    *soul less
* independent    * "have become warriors, feisty and aggressive"
* total orientation to achieving     * addiction to perfectionism
* look tough, as though they have it all together, "but really they are well-                                      
   defended because they do not want to get hurt or be vulnerable".
In reading this list I hope you are kindly challenged in finding areas you need to consider working on - attitudes and behaviour patterns you practice that are not helpful.


Now for the descriptions of what a FEMININE women is like. I'm sure there'll be some here you like and possibly some you don't.
* they are intuitive                 * they are compassionate
* they listen to their men       * they are nurturers
* "but to be feminine, at some level you have got to be open. Being open 
    allows connection ..... and the other feminine gifts."
* letting things "unfold or happen"    * they trust their men
* they are open for others input and contributions
* they are completely comfortable with who they are
* they feel they are a positive part of a team (at home in the workplace 
    and relationally) - rather than being the only or dominant player.
* they feel totally natural and sense great satisfaction in expressing their
    creativity
* they are relaxed and fulfilled in their sexuality and their expression of it.


Louise C "Forget Femininity" at Taken in Hand, says "In any case, I feel that 'femininity' whatever it is, must be compatible with behaving like a rational human being, surely a woman does not have to check her brains in at the door in order to be considered feminine". Certainly not! Femininity is nothing to do with burying your mind. As seen from the above descriptions the full expression of femininity is found in relation to men/masculinity. 

Psychologist, Jeff Allen, says "....you can not have true success or a successful relationship without the balance of masculine and feminine: The reason career women feel lonely within themselves and often have a deep sense of failure is because they are not connected to their hearts .... I'm not saying career women should chuck it all away, but if they connected to things that really matter to them, if they start to appreciate little beautiful things every day - literally stop and smell the roses - then what they will have to offer will be really quite profound. " Jeff Allen also encourages women to stop competing with men, particularly relationally, as it "is totally destructive" and unfeminine.


Daughters need mums who are living examples of femininity so they will feel safe, normal and confident to develop their own femininity. How can you do this?
"Femininity is all about being relaxed with yourself....about authenticity". It is not a forced female or girly 'look' where you suddenly wear high heels, mini skirts, florals and silks, or show lots of leg or cleavage. "If it feels false, DON'T do it". All women need to find their version of being relaxed about themselves, being authentic, including your daughter as she grows up.
"Femininity is about an internal experience with yourself and clothes are about the external appearance." So what we wear can be a reminder for us of who we are. Many of us are of the habit of "bringing out femininity for the occasion, as opposed to being feminine whatever the occasion". As we attempt to work at this we can encourage our daughter to do likewise, in her own expression of being feminine.
Of course it helps girls to be part of conversations about what is feminine, and pointing out examples of femininity around them. This will shape their personal views and choices along with your family's ethics, values and world view.
Within a family of girls who all receive the same upbringing there will be different expressions of femininity - some you will agree with, others you may not. :CAUTION: It is natural and normal for girls to experiment to find their version of femininity, particularly as teenagers. Rather than over reacting, our job is to 'hang in there' and 'major on the majors , minor on the minors'. Ask yourself if this an issue worth 'dying' for? Give her space, time, respect of individuality and lots of love.
I have four daughters, each unique in their expressions of femininity and different to mine. I think that is 'healthy', just as my definition of femininity is very different to my own mother's.
Our living example of femininity and our conversations with our daughters can have a positive benefit into their futures as women.


THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS  When do YOU feel feminine? Maybe this is a question you should ask your daughter this week, and share with her your answer too.
Cathy