This post is PART 2 of a series on PLAY, based on quotes from Stuart Brown's book "play".
"As they grow, kids are often taught out of (an) imaginative approach to play. . . . kids get toys that come straight out of hit movies or TV shows, toys that come with a preset collection of ideas about who the characters are and how children should play with the toy. This kind of preformed script can rob the child of the ability to create his own story. Instead, he is mimicking the expressions and lines that he is expected to say. A chance for imaginative flight of fancy is lost.
Authentic play comes from deep down inside us. It's not forced or motivated solely by others. Real play interacts with and involves the outside world, but it fundamentally expresses the needs and desires of the player. . . . All evidence indicates that the greatest rewards of play come when it arises naturally from within."
Page 104 "play" by Stuart Brown.
As parents, we have probably all experienced the Christmas or birthday when we were so excited because we had the most wonderful, perfect present for our toddler. Wrapping paper off, box opened . . . and . . . shock, embarrassment, annoyance! The child seems more interested in the wrapping paper or the box than the present. The child is not being unappreciative or disrespectful - they're simply showing that they have a healthy, creative approach to play - a box or wrapping paper after all can be transformed by their imagination into dozens of fantastic things to play with.
We can equally be missing the right perspective on play with our older children too.
"We may think we are helping to prepare our kids for the future when we organize all their time, when we continually ferry them from one adult-organized, adult-regulated activity to another. And, of course, to some degree these activities do promote culturally approved behavior as well as reinforce our roles as "good" parents. But in fact we may be taking from them the time they need to discover for themselves their most vital talents and knowledge. We may be depriving them of access to an inner motivation for an activity that will later blossom into a motive force for life."Page 105 "play".
My hero, Charlotte Mason, knew this same wrong perspective from parents when she wrote over 100 years ago -
"But organized games are not play in the sense we (parents) have in view. Boys and girls must have time to invent episodes, carry on adventures, live heroic lives, lay seiges and carry forts, even if the fortress be an old armchair; and in these affairs the elders (parents) must neither meddle nor make (direct them). They (parents) must be content to know that they do not understand, and ... that they carry with them a chill breath of reality which sweeps away illusions. Think what it must mean to a general in command of his forces to be told by some intruder into the play-world to tie his shoe-strings! There is an idea afloat that children require to be taught to play - to play at being little fishes and lambs and butterflies. No doubt they enjoy these games which are made for them, but there is a serious danger. In this matter the child who goes too much on crutches never learns to walk; he who is most played with by his elders (parents) has little power of inventing plays for himself; and so he misses that education which comes to him when allowed to go his own way and act (play). Page 36-37 "School Education": Charlotte Mason
So, why do we parents "meddle", "organize", "regulate", buy our kids "toys that come with a preset collection of ideas? Four possible reasons ~
1. It could be that we've been swept along by the advertising of toy companies and want to keep our children materially up with their peers. I hope this one isn't you. Don't be misled by commercial materialism. As a person, your child is far more important than an object showered with state-of-the-art toys. There is always something new 'coming soon', so don't waste the money, because it's fake investment into your child's life.
2. It could be that we're worried our kids may get bored so we help them along and direct their play. Refer back to "WHAT IS PLAY?" Post 29 - Stuart Brown's 4th point, Inherent Attraction, in his seven Properties or Play - he says that play is a cure for boredom. He is not however referring to parent's organized or directed play but child organized and directed play.
3. Or we might see it as our role to teach our children how to play. The Charlotte Mason quote above warns that "the child who goes too much on crutches never learns to walk .... and has little power of inventing play for himself .... " This child misses what is needed to develop normally, fully. A small child when learning to physically walk goes through weeks of independent attempts to walk - falling and all. All children must have their independent attempts and experiments in play too, otherwise we are crippling them.
4. Another reason is that we worry about the risks when our children play outside parent/adult supervision. They could be heading into trouble... Parents have wrestled with this problem since the beginning of time. We do have responsibilities as parents to guide and instill habits in our children so they know how to live and behave appropriately.
A wise gardener when planting a tree sets it up well - digging around the base, weeding it, pruning it, training it..... but that time period is small in comparison with the years that the tree independently grows and matures in the air, rain and sun. We parents are like that gardener, we need to do the hard work at the start and establish good growing patterns.
"But part of being a parent is learning to accept the limitations of our ability to make our kids safe, successful and happy. We should strive for all these things, but eventually they will grow and learn to be their own (we all hope).
All parents need to foster that internally driven, self directed play that will allow children to become secure and self-confident on their own. There are risks to this sort of play, and the risks should be monitored and minimized. But trying to suppress free play or rigidly control kids' activities poses, in my long-term experience, a far greater risk to their future health, success and happiness." Page 108 "play" Stuart Brown.
The first paragraph of this week's starting quote mentioned another area where children's imagination is stifled in play. It is when play stimulus material is all set up for our children, robbing them "of the ability to create"their own play. It's not just preschool toys that offend and fall into this category. Gaming play, both on line and otherwise are all guilty here. The gamer's thoughts and decisions are continually guided along. This is play that is "forced or motivated solely by others" not individual creativity or the expression of "the needs and desires of the player"that have risen "naturally from within". So how can this pursuit help our children play? Or develop their growing minds and bodies?
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ You may need to assess some play practices at your house. If this post has sounded like a big negative to you, and you don't have much of an idea of play alternatives which will benefit your children, revisit some of the great memories you have of play from your childhood, or ask the grandparents for ideas and get the kids PLAYING!
This time last year I wrote my first post on the subject of play.
In the early days of becoming a mum I happened on the writings of Charlotte Mason who gave me a starting philosophy for play. Over the years of reading on the subject, my interest in the importance of the place of play in children's lives has grown.
Last month, while 'playing' in a great New Zealand summer ~ in the water, on the beach and in the bush, I read "play" by Stuart Brown with Christopher Vaughan ~ a beautiful green and blue small hard-covered book.
As I read my respect for Stuart Brown grew as I discovered his work involved decades of research in the field watching various animals at play, the study of play deprivation and its connection to the development of hard-core criminal behaviour and teaching in the corporate world to win people to the idea of 'playing'.
I hope to write a few posts based on some of the gems I found in this book.
"PROPERTIES OF PLAY
....... the first quality of play that sets it off from other activities is its APPARENT PURPOSELESSNESS. Play activities don't seem to have any survival value. They don't help in getting money or food.......Play is done for its own sake. That's why some people think of it as a waste of time.
It is also VOLUNTARY - it is not obligatory or required by duty.
Play also has INHERENT ATTRACTION. It's fun. It makes you feel good...... It's a cure for boredom.
Play provides FREEDOM FROM TIME. When we are fully engaged in play, we loose a sense of the passage of time. We also experience DIMINISHED CONSCIOUSNESS OF SELF. We stop worrying about whether we look good or awkward, smart or stupid. We stop thinking about the fact that we are thinking. In imaginary play, we can even be a different self . We are fully in the moment, in the zone.....
Another hallmark of play is that it has IMPROVISATIONAL POTENTIAL. We aren't locked into a rigid way of doing things...... The act of play itself may be outside of "normal" activities. The result is that we stumble upon new behaviours, thoughts, strategies, movements or ways of being....... Those insights weren't the reason (we) played, but they arrived as the result of it. You never really know what's going to happen when you play.
Last, play provides the CONTINUATION DESIRE. We desire to keep doing it, and the pleasure of the experience drives the desire....... If something threatens to stop the fun, we improvise new rules or conditions so that the play doesn't have to end. And when it is over, we want to do it again."
Page 17 - 18 "play" : Stuart Brown.
On returning from my holiday 'play', at the northern end of the simple, slow Tutukaka coast, I was stunned on entering our local mall to see dozens of children playing in the centre's play area. Yes, the play equipment is probably professionally designed. Lovely safety flooring is down to cushion any tumble or fall, if that should occur. But these children were not involved in doing what Stuart Brown's book had described as 'play'.
Mr Brown's seven properties of play is the closest he gets to defining what play is, but I think he has given us sufficient to 'play with' and diagnose if a child is playing or not. So let's look at each.
1. APPARENT PURPOSELESSNESS.
I love this one because it straight from the start reminds us that we don't need to justify play on some curriculum with tangible outcomes, purposes, future developmental steps...... It's simple, unorganized, individual and unique to each person and for each person.
2. VOLUNTARY.
Well, that rules out kids being 'rail-roaded' into playing in teams they'd rather not be in, or forced to play in ways that they don't choose. This point tells us that the player initiates what, when and how they will play. As a parent it is good to have a whole lot of play gear and things for children to go through and get to know - but they are the ones who should choose how and what to play with and when to finish up to move on to something new.
I enjoyed reading the sections of the book "play" where the author relived his childhood of child dominated afternoons of play, where the kids decided what to play and worked out among themselves how the game was going to be played. Children had the freedom to play without guidance, not being affected in any way because no parents or adults were in sight. (It wasn't because they were away at jobs either).
3. INHERENT ATTRACTION.
My friend the dictionary tells me that play is an essential and natural part of our life. A right and function that is a component of being a person. Possibly it is like eating, drinking and sleep.... which we want to do because we must do them to live well. This is why we are attracted to food, drinks, rest and play. We experience feelings of well being , satisfaction, happiness.... after playing, resting, drinking or eating. But play has the bonus ability of curing boredom. The other three meet our needs but play extends and develops us and this is very attractive even addictive to us.
4. FREEDOM FROM TIME.
There are things I remember doing as a girl where I became so absorbed that I didn't miss not sleeping or eating. Time had flown and it was irrelevant to me that Mum had yelled out saying dinner was on the table and now getting cold. I was satisfied as I played.
5. DIMINISHED CONSCIOUSNESS OF SELF.
This describes the state where children are freed to be themselves. They don't feel they are being observed, checked on or compared with others. They could be on their own playing or with other like-minded players. They are relaxed and at ease with themselves, with what they are doing and life at the moment.
6. IMPROVISATIONAL POTENTIAL.
The best way to understand this point is to listen to some music by people such as Ray Charles, Louis Armstrong or Billy Holiday, or watch some Appalachian mountain cloggers perform. This tap dance style and these jazz musicians do not perform to a predetermined script, they improvise. Every time they sing, play or dance a particular piece, it will be unique - a one-off.
In relation to play, improvisation is one of the most creative, exciting and exhilarating aspects, which lead children to develop in all areas of life. For creative people and children, this side of play needs to be regularly practiced.
7. CONTINUATION DESIRE.
Here we have a cycle. want to play - play - love of the experience builds bigger hopes to...
want to play - play - ...........
The seventh property of play also speaks of a base on which future skills of prolonged concentration in all sorts of areas of life, will develop.
You may be thinking so what, seven properties of play. What's it got to do with my children and their playing?
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS you could think of what your child's favourite play occupation is. Or the environment where your child plays most. Now re read the seven properties of play and carefully decide if they are experiencing each for themselves.
You may conclude that play at your house needs to change. Do it, and enjoy play as it was intended to be enjoyed.
Cathy
"More than 20% of Britons expect a family bust up this Christmas, according to a survey.
The poll carried out by BBC Radio 5 live found 22% of those asked did expect a family argument during the festive period although the majority - 77% - expected harmony around the Christmas tree.
It also found that 13% of the respondents had stopped speaking to an immediate family member during the past year.
The survey - released on Monday - also found that 97% of people said their families made them feel happy whilst 60% said their jobs made them content.
However, Christmas turned out to be the favourite time for only 2 out of 5 respondents to the poll."
"ONE IN FIVE EXPECT FAMILY XMAS FIGHT" Dec 6 2010. smh.com.au The Sydney Morning Herald.
It's about to HAPPEN - Christmas celebrations - sooner for some (like us here in New Zealand), than others (those on the west coast of America).
The gathering with family, the planned and created food, the much thought about and bought or grabbed gifts, the organized observance of traditions - these four elements seem to be a common part of celebrating Christmas.
But in adding the doing of these elements to the already end-of-year tired lives of many, can be just too much, and the hopes of happy heartiness, the expectation of exciting experiences and memories, can be blown apart as families reunite and get together.
Some have been apart for most of the past year. Some have been apart for years. Some barely know each other. Families have often grown with new members - different to the 'old stock', which can bring new 'flavours'. And of course there's the dreams that have been anticipated and hoped for for weeks before the event.
For most families there will be some expression of a "family bust up", whether full scale or mild and kept in check.
So how can we head into this day of celebration and prevent ending it in a huge mess?
BY
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS taking the initiative, and forgiving those in YOUR family and beyond, for the disappointments and hurts they have caused you.
Christmas is the perfect time to do this as it is the season which is the start of the story of the greatest demonstration ever of love, which came through forgiveness. At Christmas, Jesus was born as a baby. This is the beginning of the huge historic story. This is where the true celebration all begins.
HAVE A VERY HAPPY CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR FAMILY!!
SEE YOU NEXT YEAR.
Cathy
"My friend Sophie, 46, who runs her own design company and is a single mother to 2 boys aged nine and eleven,.....has been single for 6 years, since her husband left her for another women.
Blonde, attractive and kind, she hasn't been on a date since he walked out.
'I have absolutely no idea how to be a women anymore,' she says, 'Because I run my business my home and make all the decisions about the boys, I feel totally unfeminine.'
'I'm terrified of dating as I have no idea how to behave. I would love a partner but I feel unattractive, untrusting, unsexy and completely alone.'
That, of course is the crux for many of us.
We honestly believed that if we worked hard, we could have it all and more.
Yet so many of us have ended up lonely, exhausted and broken-hearted, with far less of what we bargained for.... Clearly, men and women are increasingly out of sync, and the key could be in learning to be re-balanced ourselves as women and reclaim our essential softness."
FAST TRACK TO FEMININITY: Why Competing With Men has Left Women Out of Touch With Their Feminine Side . by Anna Pasternak. Mail Online. www.dailymail.co.uk
This is PART 4 and the last part of "WHAT DAUGHTERS NEED FROM THEIR MOTHERS".
The above quote could be used as a discussion starter into many subjects and directions. You may wonder how this applies to what mums need to teach their daughters.
I want to take from this quote the thread of "femininity", and discuss the need of it in mums and daughters lives alike.
As our girls grow into teenagers and emerge into adult women, many have an unclear view of what being feminine IS. It regularly gets confused with being sexy, or being an old fashioned thing ladies of the past practiced. As girls, women or females ~ all of us are born with feminine aspects as a part of our personal character and being.
"A wise person once said that it's easier to build a healthy child than repair an adult. The best way to build emotionally healthy children who accept and enjoy their gender is for us as parents (grandparents or teachers) to affirm boys in their masculinity and girls in their femininity." Sue Bohlin : Boys are From Mars, Girls are From Venus:Raising Gender Healthy Kids.
IS FEMININITY ~ to feel like one of the mythological women in Botticelli's
painting "Spring", in their semi transparent, veil-like
garments?
~ having dreadlocked hair piled high on one's head?
~ being a princess or ballerina in pink with frills and bows
~ sporting a tattoo or Maori Moko (tattoo from a Maori
woman's lip to chin)?
~ the feeling from a full makeover with new hairstyle?
~ to stretch and lengthen one's ear lobes as women of
Papua New Guinea did in the past?
~ high heels and nail polish on?
~ to live bare breasted as the women of South America
and other nations lived in the past?
YES all the above at some time in history and in some cultures
have been seen as feminine.
IS FEMININITY ~ exposing one's midriff with diamante crusted belly
button stud?
~ to play 'dumb' 'cute' 'fragile'?
~ just about clothing or only wearing dresses?
~ about attracting men, or about how you feel about
yourself, or a bit of both?
If I asked 10 or 100 women to show me what they thought femininity was, I'd have 10 or 100 different answers.
Here are some descriptions I found of what an UNFEMININE women is like. You may or may not agree with them.
* don't flirt with men * don't wear makeup
* have an "acute need of affection" *autonomous
* controls everything * see relationships as business transactions
* competes with men * often feels more masculine than feminine
* trampled (women's) core femininity into the ground *soul less
* independent * "have become warriors, feisty and aggressive"
* total orientation to achieving * addiction to perfectionism
* look tough, as though they have it all together, "but really they are well-
defended because they do not want to get hurt or be vulnerable".
In reading this list I hope you are kindly challenged in finding areas you need to consider working on - attitudes and behaviour patterns you practice that are not helpful.
Now for the descriptions of what a FEMININE women is like. I'm sure there'll be some here you like and possibly some you don't.
* they are intuitive * they are compassionate
* they listen to their men * they are nurturers
* "but to be feminine, at some level you have got to be open. Being open
allows connection ..... and the other feminine gifts."
* letting things "unfold or happen" * they trust their men
* they are open for others input and contributions
* they are completely comfortable with who they are
* they feel they are a positive part of a team (at home in the workplace
and relationally) - rather than being the only or dominant player.
* they feel totally natural and sense great satisfaction in expressing their
creativity
* they are relaxed and fulfilled in their sexuality and their expression of it.
Louise C "Forget Femininity" at Taken in Hand, says "In any case, I feel that 'femininity' whatever it is, must be compatible with behaving like a rational human being, surely a woman does not have to check her brains in at the door in order to be considered feminine". Certainly not! Femininity is nothing to do with burying your mind. As seen from the above descriptions the full expression of femininity is found in relation to men/masculinity.
Psychologist, Jeff Allen, says "....you can not have true success or a successful relationship without the balance of masculine and feminine: The reason career women feel lonely within themselves and often have a deep sense of failure is because they are not connected to their hearts .... I'm not saying career women should chuck it all away, but if they connected to things that really matter to them, if they start to appreciate little beautiful things every day - literally stop and smell the roses - then what they will have to offer will be really quite profound. " Jeff Allen also encourages women to stop competing with men, particularly relationally, as it "is totally destructive" and unfeminine.
Daughters need mums who are living examples of femininity so they will feel safe, normal and confident to develop their own femininity. How can you do this?
"Femininity is all about being relaxed with yourself....about authenticity". It is not a forced female or girly 'look' where you suddenly wear high heels, mini skirts, florals and silks, or show lots of leg or cleavage. "If it feels false, DON'T do it". All women need to find their version of being relaxed about themselves, being authentic, including your daughter as she grows up.
"Femininity is about an internal experience with yourself and clothes are about the external appearance." So what we wear can be a reminder for us of who we are. Many of us are of the habit of "bringing out femininity for the occasion, as opposed to being feminine whatever the occasion". As we attempt to work at this we can encourage our daughter to do likewise, in her own expression of being feminine.
Of course it helps girls to be part of conversations about what is feminine, and pointing out examples of femininity around them. This will shape their personal views and choices along with your family's ethics, values and world view.
Within a family of girls who all receive the same upbringing there will be different expressions of femininity - some you will agree with, others you may not. :CAUTION: It is natural and normal for girls to experiment to find their version of femininity, particularly as teenagers. Rather than over reacting, our job is to 'hang in there' and 'major on the majors , minor on the minors'. Ask yourself if this an issue worth 'dying' for? Give her space, time, respect of individuality and lots of love.
I have four daughters, each unique in their expressions of femininity and different to mine. I think that is 'healthy', just as my definition of femininity is very different to my own mother's.
Our living example of femininity and our conversations with our daughters can have a positive benefit into their futures as women.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS When do YOU feel feminine? Maybe this is a question you should ask your daughter this week, and share with her your answer too.
Cathy
THE PIKE RIVER MINE DISASTER
"At least 10 children have fathers trapped in the Pike River coal mine - . . . . More than 10 others go anxiously through their primary school routines while their fathers prepare to enter the burning, gassy, potentially explosive mine to rescue their mates, trapped underground since the explosion on Friday afternoon. . . . .
At local schools, all appears normal, at least at a distance. But on a closer look, everyone is affected.
A 13-year-old girl said her brother was friends with the young trapped miner, Joseph Dunbar, 17. Her friend has an uncle stuck underground. She is chatty, cheery and seemingly in good spirits - but that is not the full story.
'You have to keep strong for everyone,' she said, and for a moment the gravity of the situation flashed across her face. . . .
Grey Main Primary School principal Mandy O'Sullivan said 12 Pike River miners had children at her school, though none were trapped.
Ten others are part of Mines Rescue, ready to enter the hazardous mine when conditions clear. . . .
'At this stage, the students have been exceptionally brave in a time of uncertainty,' Ms O'Sullivan said.
The children had been reassured and encouraged to talk honestly about the situation, and they had not been overdramatic, she said. '[But] they're anxious like the rest of us, really.'
It was important that parents sent their children to school and made sure they had consistency, she said.
Many parents kept their children home on Monday, but most turned up yesterday. . .
'We feel it's important to keep routines as normal as possible.' "
THE NEW ZEALAND HERALD Wednesday 24 2010. Children Still to Realize Miners' Plight : Michael Dickison
The tragic sadness of the Pike River mine disaster over this past week here in New Zealand, has been another reminder of REAL life, with its wide gamut of experiences - emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
Of course this mine disaster is at one extreme of life experiences. None-the-less it does throw out a challenge to us as parents to question ourselves as to if we bring our children into contact with the extremes that life can have. Or are we only working at keeping things 'tidy' and comfortable?
This past week I have been asking myself - how would my children today, deal with the loss of a father, a brother or close loved-one?
Pike River coal chief executive, Peter Whittall and police superintendent Gary Knowles, have been examples of strength of character to marvel at. In all world catastrophes throughout time, we have known similar calibre. But would my children - even as adults, be amongst that group of 'resilient' people?
How do we as parents, 'build' these aspects into our children's character?
Maybe there is help in thinking on the comments that we have heard many times in the last days on our TV news programs. Many people on "the Coast" when asked how they will cope, have talked of the region's 'resilience', that has come from living and working through previous trials and difficulties of the past. Possibly this is a clue, a help, a question for us as parents to think on. Are we allowing the natural smaller difficulties of life that come our way, especially come our children's way, to be a positive practice ground for their future?
I'd love your thoughts and ideas here.
What do you think?
How can we in practical terms equip our children to 'do well' in a huge, life-changing tragedy?
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS
Cathy
"My father died when I was three, leaving my mother to raise three kids on her own. My mother was adamant about raising her kids to be independent, self-sufficient members of society. . .
My mother would punctuate each comment with the reminder that she had to figure it out after my father died. She did not want her children to face the same fate . . . She felt cheated because he had left so soon. I knew. . . that my mother had filled me with her anger and sadness over losing my father. I realized I had never been told by my mother what to expect from a man, so all this time I had been flying blind.
What about these women who had to grow up hearing complaints that their father was never around. What about these mothers who have faced a bitter divorce? Are they projecting all their drama on their kids as well? Has this created a generation of hurt, angry women who only know how to be single?. . . ."
"Mothers Raising Girls to be Single" : Audrey Irvine. May 6 2010.
This post is PART 4 of "WHAT DAUGHTERS NEED FROM THEIR MOTHERS".
4. EQUIPPING FOR THE FUTURE.
A. Attitude to Men
Audrey Irvine's account describes how her mother's experience and attitude towards her husband, affected Audrey's attitude to men. Later in this article she speaks of the change in her attitude to men that came three weeks before her mother's death, when she talked at length about her husband's great humor and good nature. For the first time Audrey realized her mother's fears, caused by the loss of her husband as a young mum, had affected how she represented men to her daughter. Mum's fears and disappointments had been transferred to daughter Audrey.
A mother sends clear information to her daughter about the importance, the value and her personal attitude about men. It is communicated through her actions, her words, her looks, her behaviour, her priorities towards her husband, her sons, and men and boys who regularly are a part of their life.
These sometimes subtle, unconscious actions are powerful directives to a watching daughter.
Of course there are times when all husbands disappoint, irritate or annoy their wives, just as we do likewise to them. The point is as Audrey Irvine made, that as mothers we need to be sure to communicate to our daughter, the full picture of who their father is. The constant put-down, criticism and registration of irritation through body language, facial expressions, behaviour and words, give a complete negative about men to our daughters. (You may like to read William Leith's comments on dads being represented in children's literature as hopeless and useless, in my post "Absent Fathers" WEEK 14 QUOTE 14)
Daughters need to see, hear and observe the full story of who their dad is through our reactions to him, which form her future attitude to men in general.
If you find you are prone to too much criticism of your daughter's father, you can work at adding a true positive comment about him to the conversation.
B. Flexibility for Multi - 'Occupations'
Women of most cultures through out history have lived through the changing sequence of 'occupations' or 'seasons'. A woman's life does not stand still. Along with these changing occupations, her life has several parts or strands simultaneously moving along, merging and diverging all at the same time. Some women are very successful in living a full, busy and humming-along lifestyle, while others of us feel it is more like a chaotic traffic-jam.
How can a mother equip her daughter to be flexibly prepared for the multi-occupations and the several stranded life that is ahead for her?
It is through teaching life skills to her from childhood and through their teenage years.
~ how to plan, grow, shop for and cook food - from small beginnings to the real deal. . .
~ how to organize, maintain, tidy and clean - a drawer, a cupboard, a room, the house. . .
~ how to learn about a new job, to assist someone doing the job, to independently do the job, to
teach the job to another. . .
~ how to choose, buy, mend, wash and care for clothes. . .
~ how to earn, save, invest, spend and give away money. . .
In teaching these things to our girls, we give them a great asset whatever they become in the future.
The regular practice of multi tasking, the awareness of several things going on at once and learning discernment to decide what IS important or needs attention now, are rare but much-needed skills.
A girl brought up fully involved in real-life jobs and responsibilities of a family, learns such skills.
Here she can practice and develop the flexibility to adjust to the many aspects of her future role as a career woman, a wife, a woman that works, a mother, a voluntary aid worker, a support person, a combination of any of the above and MORE.
C. Learning About Sex.
Generally speaking women seem to be more open in discussing sex with their daughters, than are dads with their sons. Our culture is obsessed with the subject and unfortunately sex seems to be made a part of things that actually have nothing to do with it. As a result the intended beauty of sex is daily being perverted to young and old alike.
As a mother don't leave it all to your daughter's school to do the 'educating' in this important area of life. (If you need reasons why, read my last post, on Modesty WEEK 24 QUOTE 24)
I am personally not incredibly gifted in mathematics, so I would never attempt to educate my daughter in maths without buying a math textbook I felt would equip me to do the task. The same with talking with my daughter about sex.
Here's some suggestions ~
"The Story of Me" : Stan and Brenna Jones
"Before I was Born" : Carolyn Nystrom
"What's the Big Deal" : Stan and Brenna Jones
"Facing the Facts" : Stan and Brenna Jones
All of the books in the ATTITUDE series are great. www.attitude.org.nz
"Sex with Attitude, A Relationship Handbook"
"Hardwired, A Handbook for Growing, Inhaling and Injecting Life"
"Attitude, A Handbook for Your Head"
The book "Ten Talks Parents Must Have with Their Children About Sex and Character" :Pepper Schwartz and Dominic Cappella, seems to be an extremely useful and popular book. It asks parents to identify their own values and views on religion and ethics and then assists you to teach these in the context of sex education with your children.
Whatever you do, DON'T neglect being personally involved in this part of your daughter's life - she needs you there with her. The intimacy and closeness of the subject requires a mum to be prepared to lovingly discuss it with honesty and openness. In the future both you and she will be grateful for the time you invested.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS teach your daughter a new home skill while chatting about dad in a positive way, and if age appropriate you could talk about sex, too.
Cathy
"Female modesty is not some artificial way of 'dampening down one's allure', nor is it ..... a mere distaste for 'skimpy swimming suits'. It's much richer than that. Modesty is a reflex, arising naturally to help a woman protect her hopes and guide their fulfillment - specifically this hope of one man ..... Of course, along with this hope comes a certain vulnerability, because every time a man fails to stick by us, our hopes are, in a sense, dashed. This is where modesty fits in. For modesty armed this special vulnerability - not to oppress women, but with the aim of putting them on an equal footing with men. The delay modesty created, not only made it more likely that women could select men who would stick by them, but in turning lust into love, it changed men from uncivilized males who ran after as many sexual partners as they can get, to men who really wanted to stick by one woman."
Wendy Shalit : "A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue"
I highly recommend reading Wendy Shalit's "wise, fresh and funny" book.
This is PART 3 of WHAT GIRLS NEED FROM THEIR MOTHERS
Today modesty is definitely a word and practice that is out-of-fashion, in fact so OUT that most people hardly know what it is.
3. WHAT IS MODESTY?
* Being shy and quiet.
* Covering up parts of the female body to prevent being embarrassed.
* Feeling uncomfortable from having no personal privacy.
* A style of behaviour and living seen in women in the Austin, Bronte and Trollope nineteenth
century dramas.
* "A kind of armour of hope."
* A frame of reference from which men accept and respect a women's "no".
* Protecting one's innocence.
How have we come to be where we are now, not just ignorant of what a word means, but ignorant of a part of our female nature? Our ignorance is so great that we have swapped the truth for a lie, so to speak, and accepted ~
~ the loss of going steady
~ the loss of personal dignity and embarrassment
~ the damage to the mindset of children toward sex and one another
~ the 'celebrate our body' attitude of secondary schools and universities
~ the avalanche of 'victim' letters of insecurity that fill glossy female magazines
~ "agreeing that women are sexual objects, nothing more, and exist only to gratify men"
~ accepting light court sentencing for rape offenders
~ "that virginity is something to be gotten rid of, the sooner the better and experience is what is
to be valued
We have allowed this for the sake of being thought of as ~ "Independent", "non sexist", not sexually repressed, "tough - just like men", being "a bad girl" as evidence of maturity,
having "life experience", thinking "sex is no big deal", "getting right to the point".
So many girls no longer think of themselves as having value, rather they see all that along with shyness and embarrassment as irrelevant. What they think IS relevant is to be "mature", by making advances to boys, to "sleep around just like men do" and to "get the experience"!
"Many children these days know far too much too soon, and as a result they end up in some fundamental way, not knowing - stunted and cut off from all that could be. If you are not taught that you really want 'just sex', you end up seeking much more.. The peculiar way our culture tries to prevent young women from seeking more than 'just sex', the way it attempts to rid us of our romantic hopes or ..... our embarrassment and our 'hang ups', is a very misguided effort. It is no less than an attempt to cure womanhood itself, and in many cases it has actually put us in danger."
So are girls doomed to a future of thinking of themselves and behaving as an object? Certainly not. A mother can impact how her daughter can precede in this area.
Girls and women have been confused by society and sex education, so mothers need to clearly counter this philosophy.
1. We first must give girls an honest view (such as presented in Wendy Shalit's book) about the culture they live in - the cons and arguments they may be tempted by, the pressure from boys to oblige them, the pressure to be cool, the lengths or amount of alcohol needed to "numb ourselves to go through with it", where this lifestyle leads, and what this lifestyle says of the value of women.
2. Our girls need to understand there is a difference between the sexual areas of their body (which are private and not to be touched or shared with others ) and other areas of the body. To have a healthy respect for their body and pride in protecting themselves.
3. We need to encourage our daughters to listen to their conscience of self and feelings of fear, to be aware of thoughts, feelings and reactions of embarrassment.
EG. ~ trying to cover their breasts with their arms when wearing a tight top or top with exposed cleavage when in particular company.
~ regularly and repeatedly needing reassurance that they "look OK".
~ their over rowdy behaviour receiving unwanted attention from boys.
~ clutching the edges of a slit skirt together on a windy day in a public place.
These are internal signs (all part of modesty) speaking to us that we are near a personal boundary, feel awkward, and may need to reassess what we are doing.
4. Wendy Shalit puts this point bluntly - that if young women look like a hooker, they will be thought to be one, and attract the appropriate wrong kind of men. Repeat conversations of the first point so the consequences of this, are fully understood.
5. We need to explain the 'misunderstanding' or the lie that so many girls have, that to sleep with a boy will solidify the relationship. The problem is that this is not how the boy sees it. Or of living with a man in the hope of marriage.
6. Daughters need 'open eyes' to not fall for or be conned along by the explanation of "how it is" by the glossy magazines, the music videos, movies, word on the street, and sex education manuals. Again a repeat visit in conversation to the first point is needed.
7. Mums have responsibility to support the romantic longings and hopes of young girls as being a natural, normal part of being female. DON'T ignore or suppress these longings as it will only send them along the route of the glossy magazine or sexually explicit novel and onto the freeway of objectivity. This harbours more confusion in the mind of a growing girl. Instead give her examples of lives of women with wholesome romantic dignity, who are respected by men, viewed as women and not as objects, to develop her ideas on.
8. We need to check ourselves that we are not affected by our society either in our attitudes to women or our practice. If you are a mother involved in the style of relationship described above, think hard. Consider your example, to other women, to your children especially your daughter, regardless of her age, she is learning from you. Are you being valued in the way you live? What are you saying about the worth of a woman?
9. As mothers, do we believe in female innocence? Do we think of our daughters as being in a time of innocence which is worth protecting from our culture's brutality? Then we have work to do.
"Understanding modesty .... invites men to consider, What's fun about forcing someone into sex in the first place? A respect for female modesty would inform the relation between the sexes so that "taking what you can get" would be an impossible way for a man to approach a woman, or to approach love generally. The argument from external authority labels a man as evil if he date-rapes or sexually harasses a woman. From the standpoint of modesty, he is behaving abominably, but more crucially, he is really missing the point . He hasn't understood what it means to be a man."
"..... there is an emerging consensus that things have gone too far."
"There is simply nowhere else to go in the direction of immodesty, only back"
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS spend some time thinking and talking about modesty with YOUR daughter.
Cathy
