WEEK 9 QUOTE 9

"Adventure is something that has become a swear word to a lot of people. As soon as you say adventure, they say rescue and there's a lot of people that sort of question the values of it, but the bottom line is if we keep wrapping up our society and our young kids in cotton wool, which is what we are doing, we're changing the culture of Australia. Australia needs heroes, Australia needs adventurers and there's a lot of real, serious positive benefits for anyone that's getting out there and having a go, and chasing their dreams and really pushing themselves to the limit."

Don McIntyre, Adventurer. Transcribed from "Young Sailor Prepares to Set Sail" THE 7:30 REPORT. ABC TV. June 18 2009.

These words spoken by Don McIntyre, were in connection with JESSICA WATSON'S planned circumnavigation of the globe in her yacht "ELLA'S PINK LADY". Right now, Jessica at age 16, is maybe only days away from sailing back into Sydney Harbour and completing her dream to sail solo around the world. She will be the youngest person to ever successfully complete such a feat. An extra sparkle in her crown of achievement will be the fact that she has done it "unassisted" - meaning that "during the journey no other person is allowed to give her anything and she must not moor to any port or other boat, although advice over radio communication is allowed" (Jessica Watson Wikipedia). [You may wish to Google and follow Jessica's trip via her blog site -www. jessicawatson.com.au , or the trip of American Abbey Sunderland a younger 16 year old, see her blog here, or Laura Dekker from the Netherlands -see her site here, who is at 14 is preparing her circumnavigation trip, due to depart in September 2010 when she turns 15].

You may think, along with a number of people, that such a trip for a 16 year old girl is ludicrous!
You may think, along with a number of people, that such a trip for any aged person is ludicrous!

Don McIntyre, as a supporter/backer of Jessica Watson, knows her very well. I don't know Jessica or Don McIntyre, but I like his comments on our society. Not just in Australia, but in many parts of the world this changing trend in society can be seen. We are "wrapping up" and putting children in "cotton wool". They are missing the "serious, positive benefits" of true challenges, of "chasing their dreams" and "really pushing themselves to the limit".

In the past, people in the age group of 'youth', worked full-time, some being responsible for situations most teenagers couldn't handle today! My husband tells the story of his grandfather who created and executed his first business venture of buying and importing a shipment of apples from Australia into New Zealand at the age of 14, in the early 1900's. ANZAC Day has recently reminded us that in the past, boys who were 'youths', went to war. They were considered to be men 'defenders of the homeland'. In the past, most children took responsibility to care for younger siblings, getting them to and from school on public transport. In the past, children had responsibilities at home. The whole family depended on each doing their part. I don't think that all teens should work full-time or go to war, but the facts above show that our expectations for children and teenagers have changed, and as McIntyre says - our culture has changed.

In what way has our society "wrapped up" our children in "cotton wool"? McIntyre has obviously seen a lot of over protection of children in sport. Here are some areas of life where commonly children are in "cotton wool" -
* parents picking up kids from school when they could independently walk or catch public
transport home.
* parents financially subsidising or in the case of some, fully financing children who actually are
adults themselves. These adult-children sometimes work, but are not given the full
responsibility of life their age qualifies them for.
* grandparents intruding, at times actually stepping-into the role of parent, usurping their own
children's true role.
* parents allowing children to give-up a job, self control, learning a musical instrument, a
project . . . when the parent knows it is an issue of laziness or selfishness on the child's part
and that the child could and possibly should keep going. The attitudes that grow in a child
in this situation, are very harmful - I hope to write on this topic in the future.

Many people have commented on the physical, emotional and mental danger for Jessica, both as she travels around the world and the aftermath. I personally understand this situation with our children's long involvement in gymnastics. We have been at the crunch point in conversations with our children many times. The physical danger and difficulty of routines testing them, plus the pressure of the Russian coaches on them. Add to that tired growing bodies, blocks with certain moves and their general frustration, and at times even unhappiness with themselves. I've been the mum wanting to pull them out - wishing to stop right now. But if the child is not ready to quit, has unfinished business, want to, in McIntyre's words, "really push themselves to the limit", then I believe we must listen to their call. I touched on this point a little in my previous blog - listening and watching our children. Better to finish when the child is ready, rather than leaving with hopes not fully tried, challenges never embarked on. Tons of blogs today carry comments of regret, of dreams not actioned and sadness or anger that opportunities were cut short or withdrawn in childhood years.

McIntyre said, "there's a lot of real, serious benefits for anyone that's getting out there and having a go..." I know that to be true in our family. It is true that in pressing to our limits, the gain is not just in that area but transfers into many other areas of life. The 'greats' in sport do this along with the 'great' people throughout history in science and all the arts. I agree with McIntyre - we need 'great' people today - heroes.

To NOT live "wrapped up in cotton wool" involves commitment, some hard work, routine and order and at times giving up self pleasures and comfort. But in the process of moving toward the dream, what has been given up is not so dear. A growing satisfaction becomes thrill and excitement as you master the move, or in Jessica Watson's case, as she takes the turn into the home harbour of Sydney.

I hope you are truly challenged. It may not be that you have a "hero" or "adventurer" in the making, but THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS, inspire them to "have a go" and "really push themselves to the limit" on a regular basis.

WEEK 8 QUOTE 8

SORRY FOR 6 WEEKS OF 'SILENCE'. I'M STILL WORKING WITH JUST MY LEFT HAND, WHILE MY RIGHT RECOVERS. MY TEMPORARY EXPERIENCE GIVES ME A TASTE OF WHAT LIFE IS LIKE FOR THOSE WITH LIMITED USE OF THEIR LIMBS. FINDING MORE AREAS I NEED TO LEARN PATIENCE IN!

" When Arianna Stasinopoulos was a teenager in Greece in the 1960's, she had a sudden and passionate dream. Leafing through a magazine, she saw a picture of Cambridge University in England. She was only thirteen years old, but she decided on the spot that she had to be a student there. Everybody she told about this, including her friends and her father, said it was a ridiculous idea. She was a girl, it was too expensive, she had no connections there, and this was one of the most prestigious universities in the world. No one took her seriously. No one except Arianna herself, that is. And one other person.
Her mother decided that they had to find out if Arianna's dream was even remotely possible. She made some inquiries and learned that Arianna could apply for a scholarship. She even found some cheap air tickets "so we could go to England and see Cambridge in person. It was a perfect example of what we now call visualization." It was a long flight to London, and it rained the entire time they were in Cambridge. Arianna didn't meet anyone from the university; they simply walked around and imagined what it would be like to be there. With her dream reinforced, Arianna applied as soon as she was eligible.
To her delight and everyone's astonishment (except her mother's), Cambridge accepted Arianna - and she won a scholarship. At the age of 16, she moved to England and went on to graduate from Cambridge University with an M.A. in economics. At 21, she became the first woman president of the famed debating society, the Cambridge Union.
Now based in the United States, Arianna Huffington is the author of 11 books on cultural history and politics, a nationally syndicated columnist, and the cohost of Left, Right & Centre, National Public Radio's popular political roundtable program. In May 2005, she launched the Huffington Post, a news and blog site that has become "one of the most widely read and frequently cited media brands on the Internet". In 2006, Time magazine put her on their list of the world's hundred most influential people.
.......... Huffington says there were two key factors in pursuing her early dream. The first was that she didn't really understand what she was getting herself into.......
The second factor was the unwavering support of her mother. "I don't think that anything I've done in my life would have been possible without my mother. My mother gave me that safe place, that sense that she would be there no matter what happened, whether I succeeded or failed. She gave me what I am hoping to be able to give my daughters, which is a sense that I could aim for the stars combined with the knowledge that if I didn't reach them, she wouldn't love me any less. She helped me understand that failure was part of any life."

This LONG quote is from KEN ROBINSON'S wonderful book 'THE ELEMENT:HOW FINDING YOUR PASSION CHANGES EVERYTHING." I think this book is essential reading for all parents, teachers, in fact for everybody!!

In using this quote I am not advocating that parent should steer their children into high academic training or career paths. Nor am I intending to talk about parents preparing their children for failure - great topic though it is. Rather what I do think is important about this quote, is its description of the close relationship of a parent (mother in this case) with their child.

This mother didn't come to the child with her plans and expectations mapped-out for the child's future. Nor did she maneuver and manipulate the child to fall into such parent-desired ambitions. She simply had confidence in the child, when it seems others, even family members, did not. This mum was a LISTENER and a WATCHER of her child. Do you listen and watch your child?

Arianna's mum took Arianna seriously when she decided she wanted to go to Cambridge University. It must have been that Arianna's mum had had confidence in her determined daughter's ideas for some time!- For an announcement of such an extraordinary and unlikely dream to have been so honourably and willingly accepted by her mum, Arianna must have previously had numerous smaller dreams, which her mum had also taken seriously. What a mum!

The fourth sentence of the quote, says that Arianna did NOT keep her dream a secret - like one would with a hope or a fancied thought. No Arianna's confidence in her dream causes her to tell all. Their replies were very sensible, totally fact-truthful - "Everybody she told about this.... said it was ridiculous. She was a girl (aged 13 years), it was too expensive, she had no connections there, and this was one of the most prestigious universities in the world." But this did not squash the dream.

Her sensible mother investigated "if Arianna's dream was even remotely possible." Yes there were scholarships. Next her practical mum flew them to England and they walked around the campus of the university. Although this may seem usual even outrageous to you, the visit stayed in the realm of realistic - they did NOT attempt to get an appointment with the staff and 'make themselves known' or 'put in a good word' for Arianna's future....and it rained the entire time. Not the stuff most dreams grow on. But having been there only "reinforced" Arianna's dream.

A couple of years passed. Arianna applied to Cambridge, was accepted, won a scholarship and floored all but her mum - the one who had total confidence in the dream.

What had this mum done?
She listened and observed things that indicated Arianna's thoughts and dreams. In this quoted event, Arianna clearly voiced what she was dreaming about. But this may not be how your child responds.

Maybe your child speaks little in your presence of their thoughts, hopes and dreams. Sometimes as parents we are not in a place of listening and observing.
Instead our focus is on achieving -- getting to the end of the day
-- getting the jobs done
-- having a pre-planned conversation with a particular child
. . . . . . . .
or on my goals -- getting through the day without an argument, therefore
minimal contact
-- getting my study done or my time for my sport
. . . . . . . . .
So maybe it's that we simply are not 'hearing' - we're tuned elsewhere.

But it could also be that we haven't created the "safe place", as Arianna called it, in which our children will freely open their hearts.

You need to assess your situation. The last three sentences in the quote may help you to do this. Do they describe the approach to life that you are giving your child? Do these sentences appeal to you? If so, as Ken Robinson would say, you need to listen to your intuition on how you can observe your child and provide an atmospherre where they feel free to be open.

How that works in each family will be different, but some ideas you could find helpful, follow --
* regularly eat meals together - attractively set it up, play music they and you both like,
food you both enjoy, and TURN OFF THE TV.
* regularly do something together.
* change something ordinary into special - eat dinner outside, or around a fire
* be flexible and ready to listen when they chat - give them all your attention.
* briefly talk to your children about something that happened in your life when you were
their age.

Like a lot of things in parenting, it doesn't take a lot of time, it just needs to happen regularly - like eating food

A good place to start THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS is to read Arianna's story to them and see what they say.

WEEK 7 QUOTE 7

APOLOGIES TO ALL!!! THERE WILL NOT BE A BLOG POSTED THIS WEEK AS I HAVE FRACTURED MY WRIST. SO I AM HAVING A "BREAK".

WEEK 7 QUOTE 7

This past week each household in New Zealand received a copy of the National Government's "National Standards ~ Lifting Educational Standards" information sheet. It tells us, "Your child will be regularly tested by their school to reliably measure how they are doing in reading, writing and maths."

Therefore this week's quote is on the subject of READING.

"Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body." Joseph Addison, and English essayist, poet, dramatist and statesman. 1672 - 1719.

No one disputes the fact that children need physical exercise to develop strong, healthy bodies. Although Joseph Addison's quote above was not specifically written in reference to children, he verbalised that reading is the food that builds strong, healthy minds.
Certain physical exercises, sports and games, develop particular muscle groups. Likewise certain types of books develop particular areas in our children's minds and consequently in their lives. If a child's reading diet is totally comics, or science fiction, or gossip-filled teen magazines, or even articles on poverty-releasing justice policies in the majority world, the child will be lop-sided both in their view of the world and in their character development.
Children need to read widely ~ fiction and non-fiction; mystery, imaginative literature and true life literature; all areas of science; travel, culture and people of different philosophies; history of all eras; biographies, famous people; and of course humour and books that are sheer, mad fun... A child needs to read in all areas of life to develop well - mentally, emotionally, creatively and ethically. Reading opens 'windows' into life. Reading should be inspirational for a child. If it isn't then maybe they need to read books in new areas.
You may ask where you can find out about books in all these different areas? Well, start by googling "children's book reading lists". Here are a few sites to start you off -
* childrensbooks.about.com/od/forparents/tp/summer_reading.htm
Consists of 8 reading lists arranged in age groups from preschool - 18 years (sorry about
the side ads for "flat stomachs")
* www.oprah.com/packages/kids-reading-list.htm
Consists of age group reading lists, boys/girls book lists, classical books in age groups, topic lists
eg animals, educational, growing up, history, and book awarded book lists. All very 'Oprah'.
Sites here in New Zealand -
* christchurchcitylibraries.com,...,Holiday Reading
* www.aucklandcitylibraries.com/..../kidsandreading/Childrens-books.../Notable-books-
list-aspe-
* createreaders.natlib.govt.nz/2007/08/boys-into-books.html
* www.kidstop50.co.nz
Whitcoulls kids top 50 books.
I suggest you try your local library first for the books you want.
Another way to encourage a wide range of reading is to take opportunities that are there.
* International sporting events, eg the Winter Olympics ~ borrow books on the Winter Olympics from the library and read them together.
* A current issue in the news ~ read the newspaper articles together.
* Sea creatures found on holiday ~ google them or find library books with photos and information about your creatures.
* Listen to the questions your child asks ~ follow them up by googling or finding answers in
library books. This is the start of research.
You are now demonstrating a growing interest in life through reading. It isn't hard, it doesn't take a lot of time, in fact it is increasingly very enjoyable and pays huge 'dividends' in the life of your child. One writer calls it "elevating or cultivating a child's taste in reading".
Through the media we have had famous sports people model a good attitude to reading books for children to follow. Interest and enthusiasm for reading needs to be modelled so children will be attracted to read for themselves. But as I wrote in an earlier blog - the biggest influence into children's lives is from home - from parents. As parents we need to model reading for our children's sake. We too need to read widely. So, what are you reading at the moment?

"A man (child) practices the art of adventure when he breaks the chain of routine and renews his life through reading new books, travelling to new places, making new friends, taking up new hobbies and adopting new viewpoints." Wilfred Peterson.

So, what are you going to read THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ?

WEEK 6 QUOTE 6

"A child must have respect from his parents to be himself. This does not, of course, mean no limit-setting or being permissive....It means to encourage a child to think, to be spontaneous, to realize he is a separate person who must assume more and more responsibility for himself." Ross Campbell: How to Really Love Your Child.

How do you bring up a child to "assume more and more responsibility for himself"? The first sentence in this week's quote is the place to start. "A child must have respect from his parents to be himself." Children need to know their parents have confidence in them and trust them. Being trusted and taking responsibility for one's self are connected, one produces the other.
Many teenagers today in all cultures of the western world are growing up without going through this process. They do not have parents who trust them and in turn are not growing up to be responsible or take responsibility for themselves. Being responsible is the outworking of taking responsibility for one's self. Maybe you as an adult feel you missed out on this experience in your childhood.
A child who does not know, feel or believe their parents trust or have confidence in them, is likely to take on some of the following patterns.
* Ignore parent instructions in teenage years. This often causes parents to be more insistent or demanding of their children, and if the pattern doesn't alter, results in huge divisions between child and parent. It can even lead onto more serious problems.
* Live secretive lives, accomplishing what they know their parents disapprove of. This results in an increasing deterioration of the child/parent relationship, and increasing resistance to listen to parents. This second habit occurs because the child's success builds up a block against seeing any need for following the wishes of parents. Teenagers can then cut themselves loose from the family, often prematurely claiming an unhealthy independence.
* Stay "tied" to their parents. Even as young adults they can feel they need parental clearance on things they should decide about themselves. These people are failing to live in their own world.
* Enter adulthood with poor life skills, a lack of confidence in themselves, rarely able to establish or develop relationships with people around them.
Some parents are fearful as their children grow into teenagers. In their minds they re-live their own pasts when they were teens. If fear takes control, parents can become possessive or dictatorial in the attempt of preventing their children from making the same mistakes.
Being trusted by parents is essential because it is the way a child learns to become responsible, firstly for himself and then in his community.
How then does a parent start trusting their child? Children learn to be responsible for themselves by being shown how to do a task, eventually taking ownership for it, and through practice it becomes automatic. Being human there will regularly be times of complaint. This in itself is another topic for another time.
* a 2 year old putting away certain toys.
* a 3 year old helping set the table.
* a 4 year old washing up the cutlery.
* a 6 year old making coffee.
* an 8 year old writing down detailed phone messages.
* a 10 - 12 year old cooking a simple meal.
* a 14 year old mowing the lawn.
* a 15 year old being responsible to do their own laundry.
* a new licensed driver navigating themselves across the city.
You may need to teach the skill first and then be "around" and eventually you will be able to ease out. The responsibility is to stretch or challenge them (therefore the skill should be just outside their abilities), not be viewed as a bore by the child.
It is important to remember that they are learning responsibility and will make mistakes. But by making mistakes young and learning the consequences of these mistakes, they are equipped to handle the next greater responsibility. Through these experiences, it is highly likely that a child will move into adulthood being more responsibile.
As we give such responsibility to our children, we demonstrate that we trust them. They in turn learn skills and grow in self confidence. Watching all this, we as parents go on to trust them in more demanding areas of life.
What do you think?
THIS WEEK WITH THE KIDS demonstrate you TRUST your child by teaching them a skill, and start on the road to creating a more responsible child.

-POSTSCRIPT-
After putting up this post, I realized I had not addressed the situation of parents with adult children. I think that even at this stage a change for the better is possible.
As for a young child, the parent with adult children must start by thinking about the first sentence in the quote above.
The solution for parents with adult children is found in working together on something - BBQing the meat together, setting up for a party together, making food together... It's not simply being together as in shopping together, being at the beach together... It needs to be a situation where THE ADULT CHILD HAS FULL DECISION POWER - they can make the salad however they wish, set up the party tables to their own liking... So it must be an area you are WILLING TO GIVE THEM FULL REIGN. They may of course ask your opinion... but you need to tell them you fully trust their judgement, or know they have lots of flair in that area...go right ahead...
If you find this all extremely difficult, think on your adult child as your most talented, respected friend. You would willingly hand over the job to them, praise them, telling them how you never could have coped without them.... So treat your adult child in the same way.
Hopefully your first attempt will be a great success and you will quickly be trying to figure out how to get them involved with you on something else - soon.

WEEK 5 QUOTE 5

"It takes a whole village to raise a child" African Proverb ???

Here are some similar sayings from different cultures - "A single hand cannot bring up a child", "One hand cannot hold a baby".
When I was Googling to find where this week's quote came from I first found that it was claimed as an old African proverb, but quickly found most writers who had researched the quote's background, were not sure if its origin was African at all.

One of these writers, made the following comment.
"I grew up in Detroit, Michigan. In my neighbourhood the houses were side-by-side along a city block. Our block was a 'village' when I was growing up. Old Mr Johnson, who lived across the street monitored our activities throughout the day while my single-parent mother worked. If we got too rowdy, Mr Johnson would get us in line from his front porch. We knew we were loved and protected. How do we re-embrace that aspect of community that makes us feel loved and protected, in the twenty-first century?..."

Another writer said, ..."did someone miss a point? African culture does not begin with the individual....but with the group. The group exists, therefore I am. This proverb was not made up, it is a reality."

A third writer thought the "village" today was the family, and another made the statement that it "did not refer to a large group of unrelated strangers, but a small group."

Regardless of where the phrase came from, I think there are some stimulating points it provokes us to think about.
The two words "whole village" speaks of a varied group of people - different occupations
- different ages and generations, parents, along with grandparants, aunties and uncles, sisters and brothers, friends.

A village of the past, held similar attitudes, values, beliefs... they were connected. This is what bound the village together. There was an automatic responsibility they felt to be part of the lives of village children. The first writer mentioned this when he spoke about growing up in Detroit.

I have always found the saying "it take a whole village to raise a child" extremely attractive. I think that as people, both my husband and I have lots of gifts that are worth handing on to our kids, but there are many areas of life that neither of us know much about. We need our neighbours, respected friends as well as our extended families, to have imput into the lives of our children.

The first writer I quoted asked an excellent question. "How do we re-embrace that aspect of community that makes us feel loved and protected, in the twenty-first century?" He isn't complaining, waiting for someone to solve a problem for him. He realizes that we need to "re-embrace"= go back to practicing things as they were done in the past, in the "village".
As the last writer I quoted said, we don't need "unrelated strangers" putting in extensive time with our kids, they need to be connected with people who have similar attitudes to us.
The second writer has a point too. Maybe we have missed the point - our eyes have become fixed on the child, their needs, their future.... and in doing this we have lost our perspective, lost seeing the importance of the "village" or community of which they are part.

I hope you have some ideas from reading this of what you can do THIS WEEK WITH THE KIDS to connect them into your "village". You could also take up the challenging perspective of making them aware of their "village" and less mindful of themselves.

WEEK 4 QUOTE 4

"Play is the most important aspect of a young child's life....educational experts and early childhood specialists have discovered that play is learning, and even more, that play is one of the most effective kinds of learning known...Play is the natural way a child learns. It is the way he learns to concentrate, to exercise his imagination, to try out ideas, to practice grown-up behaviour, to develop a sense of control over his world... When children are born, they are graced with an insatiable sense of curiosity. They want to touch, smell, taste, see and hear everything. They want to talk, they want to imitate other people, they want to explore... In a home where discovery is discouraged, children often learn how not to learn, a tragic outcome. In homes where early explorations are encouraged, the minds and personalities of children grow and develop the potential that is each child's legacy."
Merry Archard from the Introduction in LEARNING THROUGH PLAY: Jean Marzollo and Janice Lloyd.

I hope this photo beside the quote is confusing to you. After looking through dozens of pages on Google Images on topics to do with children playing, I was appauled to find the majority were of children playing with technology or on equipment or with parents directing the play proceedings.
It made me see there was a big need of this weeks blog.
Kids play on computers, kids play on bikes or skateboards, play on playground equipment, play cards, play soccer, play with playdough, play CDs, play Pictionary, play Play Stations, play watching Sky TV, play going to the mall, play going to movies, play at the beach.... But is this 'play'? What IS play anyway? Opinions will differ as to if all or any of the above list are actually 'play', as my trip on Google Images showed me.
This week's quote tells us that play can involve any of our senses and is based around curiosity and a "want to explore" or "discover", leading to develop the potential of children's "minds and personalities".
This sort of play needs time, space, privacy and freedom for a child to design their own play - free choice play. This is different to games or parent directed/parent setup play. Free choice play is just that, the child chooses what and how to play, then plays without interference or directions from adults.
If they are young children they need space, lots of free time, to be outside, to be able to make noise, make mess and access to simple everyday things to play with.
If they are older children they need most of the above plus privacy from intruding adults and interested support to help with quarrels or an idea on how to solve a problem and encourage it all to stay happy and fun.
Of course some food always helps! Then at the end of the play time, children need a loving parent to bring them back into reality, giving them aid to packup.
What is the benefit of "free choice play"? The sentence highlighted in the quote, gives some answers. I would add that free choice play gives confidence in self and develops decision-making skills. Another wonderful thing learned through free choice play, which is a dying trait in children, is the ability to entertain oneself and happily be quiet on one's own, giving space to think. So many teenagers and adults live rushing from event to event, have constant noise and action, frantically shovelling more 'things' into the day. They have forgotten how to STOP and be quiet.
How about TV, DVDs, computers, technology games? They ARE here to stay, but a rich diet of these with their extravagant output of visual and auditory stimulus, only shuts down a child's imagination. It's all done for them and there's nothing left to imagine.
Time to dream and imagination development is crucial for children, maybe more so today than in the past. Ken Robinson in his book "THE ELEMENT" speaks of the unknown career fields of the future and says that children need to be well trained and in-touch with their imagination side of their mind to make the most of their future.

So THIS WEEK WITH THE KIDS, let them PLAY.