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WHERE WE HOPE TO GO FOR HOLIDAYS WEEK 68 QUOTE 68

2012-01-04T20:32:00.000-08:00

"No more posts from me till February" - because if the weather stabilizes, this is where we will be ~ Wooleys Bay on the Tutukaka Coast.

Then to the family bach in the Waitakeres ~

Today is my birthday and I am entering what I call my Unique Year - the number I turn today is the same as the year I was born. I'm not expecting anything radical to happen, but this special match up will never happen again in my life.

This is the special flower garland my husband made from flowers in our garden, around my lunch plate today - an Indian custom, he says.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ get your kids to work out when their Unique Year will be - Is anyone else having their Unique Year this year? Another great thing I discovered is what I call your Companion Year - you can have this one every year. This is a year you hold in common with a friend, eg. if you were born in 1970, this year you turn 42, so you can have a Companion Year with a friend who turns 70 this year(your birth year), because she will be turning 42(your age this year). Get your kids to check it out. The system gets a little sticky if you want a Companion Year with someone born this year, as you will need to wait till you're 112 - hmmm
Happy holiday everyone!!
Cathy

"LOOKING BACK ON 2011" WEEK 67 QUOTE 67

2011-12-27T02:05:00.000-08:00

"On this occasion, and as the year is coming to an end, it is time to look back on the year and reflect on our activities one more time; reflect on why we are doing what we are doing, whether our activities are appropriate and whether they have the impact we hoped for."
Simone Kloss: ADIDAS Group Blog "A Review of an Adidas Volunteering Year - A Self Reflection." December 5 2011.

This is the last post for 2011, so I thought as some people at the end of this week will be partying into the New Year, while many others in the world are oblivious that a 'New Year' is happening, that I would reflect a little about THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS, this past year.
One way to look back at the year is to look at which posts have been the most popular ~
1st prize - "PARENTING A SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD" WEEK 41 QUOTE 41
This post clearly IS the winner by a long shot. My dear, gentle, wonderful friend wrote this exquisite post for me and I have asked her for more next year.
2nd - "WHAT A SON NEEDS FROM HIS MUM" WEEK 17 QUOTE 17
This post was the most popular post in 2010.
3rd - "THE MYSTICAL CONNECTION OF THE VERY OLD AND THE VERY YOUNG" WEEK 46 QUOTE 46
4th - "WHAT SONS NEED FROM THEIR FATHERS" PART 3 - Learning About Independence, Masculinity. WEEK 20 QUOTE 20
This was the second most popular post in 2010.
5th - "HOW CAN WE CELEBRATE A HAPPY FAMILY CHRISTMAS - WITH TEENAGERS?" WEEK 64 QUOTE 64
One post that I enjoyed writing this year was "THE HABIT OF SELF-PITY" WEEK 47 QUOTE 47. It was so funny because I really wrote it on my plane trip home from visiting my Mum. Once in the air I realized I had a ticket with no movie and no food, so I decided to get working on the scraps of paper with ideas on self-pity scribbled all over them, rather than indulging in self-pity myself. I actually found that deadline feeling very productive - realizing that after touchdown I would arrive home to family and overseas visitor who were staying. This would most likely mean little time to think blog. So with the thing now written, the day after getting home, I 'rudely disappeared' for a while and stuck the post up.
The 6 post series of "PARENTS LIVING UNDER DIFFICULTIES" WEEKS 40 - 45, was obviously enjoyed by many, probably because each of the people who wrote for me, opened the door so we could look in on what was normal and natural living for them, and as we read, we admired them.
This year I reluctantly got into blogging recipes through the two posts on parents not being responsible in how they feed their children - "RESPONSIBILITY - WHOSE IS IT? Feeding Your Children" WEEK 49 Quote 49 and "RESPONSIBILITY - WHOSE IS IT? Feeding Your Children - Obesity" WEEK 50 QUOTE 50 . I was left searching and searching for clear help on what is a normal diet for a family, hence "I'M CONFUSED! WHAT IS HEALTHY EATING? WEEK 51 QUOTE 51
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading and learning a lot of new things and meeting so many amazing people both living and of the past who have given me so much 'food to chew on'. Living IS exciting and I am keen for what will come my way next year.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ here's another quote for you which was also on the Adidas Volunteering Year Blog page -
"Another important aspect is to prepare the volunteers properly for what awaits them." - This quote is relevant for us as parents with our children and gives us lots to ponder during New Years.
But back to the three points in the quote I began with.
~ Why are you doing what you are doing as a parent?
~ Are your activities appropriate as a parent?
~ Is the way you are functioning as a parent, having the impact you hoped for?
Now you are going to need more than New Years to think those three through - but they ARE excellent questions to reflect on and finish your year on, then head into a new year with some fresh determination or excitement as you put your resolutions into place.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU.
Cathy

CHRISTMAS RAW AND SIMPLE BUT POWERFUL WEEK 66 QU0TE 66

2011-12-21T15:37:00.000-08:00

"While they were in Bethlehem, the time came for Mary to have the baby, and she gave birth to her first son. Because there were no rooms left in the inn, she wrapped the baby with pieces of cloth and laid him in a feeding trough."
Luke 2 : 6 - 7 The Bible - New Century Version.

Parenting in the raw, pure and simple. I can boast that my last 3 children were home birthed in simple circumstances, but really and truly my situation was nothing in comparison to the one in Bethlehem. If the movie, "The Nativity Story", is authentic to the Bible's sketchy comments about Jesus' birth, it seems Joseph and Mary were 'uneducated' people who were of an ethnic group that were completely socially and politically oppressed - could say victimized, with unequal rights and no 'voice' in comparison to the race that ruled them. On arrival in Bethlehem with their sparse worldly goods, their vulnerability really became obvious, with them finding nothing but a poor-man's animal area to be the delivery suite for their first child. They were not seasoned parents and had no doctor, midwife or helper. Health departments of the twenty-first century would medically condemn the site as having sub-standard conditions for humans to live in, let alone to deliver a baby in.
But apart from all the difficulties and negatives, something far more powerful and effectual was going on. These two inexperienced people were committed to each other, their baby and what was ahead. They loved each other.
Does this describe you and your family - LOVE?
Love in the difficult times
Love in the lacks
Love in the misunderstandings
Love in the rush
Love when hard pressed
Love in the let downs
Love in ___________________
Giving and receiving love can happen whilst in the most horrifying or simple situation. It is the most essential need of every human, parent and child.

This year ~ if you are upset because your Christmas is going to be less
grand than usual
~ if financially your struggling
~ if friends or family have failed and rejected you
~ if your living under oppression
~ if you are simply in a 'bad place'
Matthew 11 : 28 - 30 is for you, " Are you tired? Worn out? ..... Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. .... I won't lay anything heavy or ill fitting on you. Keep company with me and you 'll learn to live freely and lightly." (the Message Bible version)
This is an offer from God, not a person, so you can trust that it is valid. The offer is that he will love you with true affection and teach you how to love others around you in this way. Not a limited human love, rather a supernatural, God love.
Jesus' birth at Christmas is an historical record of love.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ why not read the true account of why we celebrate Christmas, to your family? Luke 2 : 1 - 20
HAVE A VERY HAPPY CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR FAMILY
Cathy

HEALTHY EATING IN DECEMBER FOR CHRISTMAS WEEK 65 QUOTE 65

2011-12-15T01:35:00.000-08:00

"Having been held sacred by the Egyptians (and beloved of Spanish beauties as a matchless aid to fine complexion), the ONION seems to have a great start in the great vegetable race to command royal billing. And it does, too, have staunch advocates who would make it king of everything. I would gladly debate that finding on behalf of the potato..but isn't it an interesting event that two of the most common and most economical of vegetables should be the front-runners in that race?
The onion was believed to have originated in Central Asia and its spread was rapid...
The red onion... has a milder flavour for salads and sandwiches or chopped into mashed potato. Much of the onion's pungency is due to its volatile oil, which contains much sulphur. The pungency may be eased in the preparation by keeping the onion under water for a few minutes and, for those who weep uncontrollably out of love for the onion, it may be peeled under running water.
There is an exciting new potential for the common onion as scientists research its content for an ingredient to fight coronary thrombosis. A team of doctors at Newcastle University discovered that boiled and fried onions raise the blood's capacity to dissolve internal clotting...Tests on people produced what appeared to be a previously unsuspected medical property in the onion and work is proceeding to isolate it."
Jack Forsyth's "SCRUMPTIOUS TUCKER"
For years we have used onions to help our children when they have earache. This is what we did ~
Cut an un-peeled onion in half and heat in an microwave or oven - the onion must be HOT. Remove from the oven and hold in a small towel or face cloth. Hold the cut onion edge about 2 cm away from the achy ear and hold in this position till the onion cools down - 5 minutes or so. The heated onion oil vapor, travels into the ear canal soothing and giving immediate relief. Our experience has been that often the one 'dose' solved the problem, but in more severe cases we would be up a few times through the night repeating the onion treatment.
Onions are a natural health food, great vitamin C and fibre properties, free of salt, fat, cholesterol and low in calories.
>>RED ONION BAKE or SALAD<<

This is an absolutely fantastic dish (we have just eaten it tonight). Even if you don't eat onions, you will love it! This recipe is a version of Jamie Oliver's 'The Best Onion Gratin'.
4 Red Onions peeled
Olive oil
Salt
Black Pepper
8 Sprigs of Thyme or Marjoram
2 Garlic Cloves peeled and sliced/crushed
100 mls white vinegar
50g Edam or Gruyere cheese grated
50g Parmesan cheese grated
Preheat oven 200*C cut onion into fourths then pull segments a part into 'petals'. Lightly oil an baking dish and scatter onion petals in. Drizzle oil over the top, salt and pepper, thyme and garlic. Stir and mix.

Add vinegar then cover with foil tightly. Bake in oven 45mins. Remove foil and bake 15mins so it begins to caramelizing. Once onion is golden top with Edam and Parmesan cheeses. Return to oven reducing temperature to 180* for 15mins till gorgeous. It can be eaten hot or chilled. Great with a BBQ.

>>FRESH SPINACH SALAD<<
In New Zealand we privileged to have a variety of spinach which is not found in other parts of the world. It grows all year round here, is highly nutrious with good sources of Vitamin A, B, C, E and K, good fibre, potassium, calcium and iron. Meanwhile it is low in fat, calories and is cholesterol free.

1 Bunch New Zealand fresh Spinach - can use fresh young Silverbeet
1 Red Onion, if you wish, peeled chunky diced
100g cream cheese/or feta cheese cut into small cubes
3 Hard Boiled or Poached Eggs, shelled and chopped
Wash spinach and tear into pieces, use the stems as well as they are tender. Put into a salad bowl along with onion, cheese and eggs.
Combine ~
1/2 cup mayonaise
2 Tablespoon Vinegar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 X pinches of cayenne pepper
1/2 teaspoon mustard
Pour the dressing over the salad just before serving and toss through the salad. We ate this tonight too and I should have made a larger quantity of the dressing to have in a jug for people to pour on more. The verdict on the salad was AMAZZZZING!!

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS~ Both of these dishes may not be Christmas Day 'material' but they certainly are appropriate dishes for the Christmas season, being red and green in colour. Possibly too our common fare regard which we have for onions and spinach, connects with what we ARE celebrating at Christmas time - a baby called Jesus, being born and laid in a manger or straw filled animal feeding box, a plain ordinary place for the one who would bring total change to the history of all people.
Cathy

HOW CAN WE CELEBRATE A HAPPY FAMILY CHRISTMAS - WITH TEENAGERS? WEEK 64 QUOTE 64

2011-12-08T18:16:00.001-08:00

"Children wake up in excitement to open presents.....
For adults, Christmas is often a time to relax...and provide happy memories for their children.....
Then there's those in between both worlds : teenagers. They are the dreaded names in the Secret Santa bag, those mysterious creatures that no one knows what to buy for or what to think of.
What does Christmas mean to them?"
The author of this article questioned 21 teenagers on their views of Christmas ~
"Are teenagers truly as self-absorbed during this season as adults believe? Or is there some spark of remembrance and goodwill hidden deep in the crevices of their souls?
....while presents do seem to be one of the favorite parts of Christmas for most teens, it does not seem to be merely for the purpose of receiving....
The majority of teens questioned said they didn't care what they received for Christmas this year, followed closely by those who wished most for happiness. In fact, an equal amount of teens preferred bringing people together to anything else."
"ALL THEY WANT FOR CHRISTMAS" : Kristi Oakes. May 14 2008. Connect
Savannah.

What does Christmas look like at your house with your teenagers?
You may not have any problems, but if Christmas for your teenagers is a huge bore, hopefully this post will encourage you to launch into it again this year with fresh enthusiasm, armed with new ideas.
Most Christmas routines for the family with children , can continue on through teenage years. Success in this depends a lot on parents staying positive and happy about Christmas. If you couple this with listening to your teens comments on why they don't want to do certain Christmas events anymore, or come with you to _______ Christmas function, you will keep happy Christmas memories growing for all. Don't 'close the door' on your teens thoughts at this time. Their views may be different to yours. On the other hand your view as their parent, is totally relevant also - so have the conversations, the discussions on why you do what you do at Christmas. These can not be confrontational debates or arguments - this only destroys family Christmas memories.
So far, our family seems to have entered and gone through and out the other end of teenage Christmases most happily. Our youngest child turns 13 early next year.
Here is a collection of things we do at Christmas + ideas from others. Happy reading and finding something new to try.

1. Advent Calendars.
In recent years I have stooped to buying commercial advent calendars, but our older kids used to make their own. It took ages but they loved doing this and opening them each morning. We also have a family advent set of tiny drawers which they take turns opening, reading a treasure hunt style clue, then finding a treat or recipe to cook a simple Christmas treat... Teenagers enjoy this as much as kids.
2. Christmas Music.
From December 1 the Christmas CD music starts to be played daily. We have a stack of Christmas music in various styles to go through, and I add to the collection at Christmas sales. I try to buy different genres so everyone is 'extended' in their musical tastes. Anyone can put on whatever CD they want. The music sets a mood. It is put it on at the start of the day, at meals, or when the Christmas tree arrives and is decorated - which happened this afternoon at our house.
3. Christmas Tree.
These days our older kids go choose our Christmas tree and bring it home on the trailer, put it up, then together we decorate it, and the house. We all love doing this. If possible we eat together before or afterwards.

4. Our Family Christmas Shopping Night.
Because we are a large family each person gives one person in the family a present. It is drawn out of a hat before hand and a list is made - stuck in the pantry door. On one of the late pre-Christmas shopping nights, we all meet at our local shopping mall to buy our person's presents. we meet for coffee half-way through the night, then those who are finished can go home, those who need more ideas are helped, and everyone has a high-spirited social time. When we still had little kids the teenagers would often take a little one and help them buy their gifts. We all spend the same moderate amount of money so everyone's gift ideas are controlled to stay within that amount.
5. Cooking for Christmas.
We share cooking for Christmas. This year one of my girls is organizing who cooks and brings what so that everyone contributes. My husband loves BBQed turkey so he prepares and cooks it - wonderfully. Teenagers as well as children can read recipes online and cook them. This way they contribute not only their ideas but also the making of memories for their family Christmas.

6. Christmas Reading.
As a family we read the Christmas story leading up to Christmas, often having some craft activity we all contribute to, such as our Jesse Tree at our back door, this year. If this is not you, there is a lot of great reading online of other real events that happened at Christmas, which your teenager would benefit from. Follow these links~
* THE CHRISTMAS TRUCE 1914. A great true story for teenagers, considering many of the soldiers were in their late teens.
* THE WHANGAEHU RIVER DISASTER CHRISTMAS 1953 The worst train disaster in New Zealand's history.
* CYCLONE TRACEY HIT DARWIN AUSTRALIA, CHRISTMAS 1974. Two stories - MY EXPERIENCE WITH A CYCLONE and FOR THE MEMORY OF MY CHILDREN Grammatically not fantastic but both stories fully communicate the situation.
* NAIROBI, KENYA CHRISTMAS This is short and thought provoking for teenagers.
* EARTHQUAKE WHICH LED TO TSUNAMI CHRISTMAS 2004 This is very well written, is long, wonderfully gripping, emotionally revealing and moving. It gives teenagers a lot to think about in how they live and view life - especially considering what our experiences are at Christmas. I HIGHLY recommend this one.
7. Christmas Events.
If as a family you are involved in Christmas community or church events, encourage all the family to go along together.
8. Christmas Games.
Some families love playing games together. Here are links to some suggestions~
* FEAR FACTOR FACE-OFF Great if you like dares and enjoy getting messy.
* TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE CHRISTMAS STYLE 2nd game on this page.
* SPEED PRESENT WRAPPING same link as above - 3rd game on this page.
* THE CHRISTMAS CAROL GAME where everyone chooses their favorite Christmas carol and everyone sings their own carol at the same time. Whoever sings the longest, out singing the others, wins. Noisy teenagers are in high spirits after this one.
* CHRISTMAS BALLOON BATTLE Go to the 2nd last paragraph on the page which starts "Wanna get more active?"
9. Giving to Others.
Here's a great example of how to teach your teens to give to others. Scroll down to the "CHRISTMAS TEENS" comment.
10. 10 Frugal Christmas Activities for Families with Teens. Terrific ideas from Grace on her blog SENSE AND SIMPLICITY

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ SURELY there is something here you want to trial in your family this week. Enjoy the week with your teenage kids. - I'd love to hear about your results!!

Cathy

HEALTHY EATING NOVEMBER WEEK 63 QUOTE 63

2011-11-30T09:32:00.001-08:00

"This 'fruit' of the vegetable clan originated in Northern Tibet and was first marketed in England in the 16th century - although not coming into vogue as a food until much later. It is a wholesome food with its uniquely tart flavour but discourage the children from nibbling on the leaves. They are toxic."
"Scrumptious Tucker": John Forsyth.

The quote is referring to RHUBARB, a much forgotton fruit.

>> ZINGY ORANGE RHUBARB <<

Rhubarb is a good source of Vitamin C and fibre. It has some B group vitamins. It is extremely low in fat, salt, calories and is cholesterol free.

You need ~
5 stalks of Rhubarb
3 Granny Smith Apples
2 large Oranges
1 cup Water

Wash everything. Grate apples into a pot. Add the grated rind of 2 oranges and their juice and chopped rhubarb. Slow low cook for 30 - 40 minutes. Best served hot with Natural yoghurt, fresh pouring cream or ice cream. You can add sugar if you wish, but I love the zingy, tart, fresh taste.

>> STRAWBERRY PIKELETS <<

Strawberries are high in sugar - but don't let that put you off. They contain phosphorus, potassium, Vitamin C and A, ascorbic acid and are rich in minerals.
There are various tips on how to prepare the perfect strawberry
~ some say wash them just before you eat them
~ some say sprinkle icing sugar over them before serving
~ some say sprinkle icing sugar and a generous slurp of brandy before before serving
~ some say put a good shake of pepper on as this brings out the flavour!!
~ some just open the lid and get eating.

Ideal for a special summer breakfast or dessert.
Sift into a bowl ~ 1 1/2 cups Flour
1 1/2 teaspoon Baking Powder
1/4 teaspoon Bicarbonate of Soda
a pinch of salt
Make a well in the centre of the flour and add ~ 2 Eggs
3/4 cup Milk
Beat well into a smooth batter. I love the colour change explosion when I break the egg yokes. Don't hesitate to add a little extra milk so that the batter is sloppy enough to flow from the spoon onto the pan surface. Drop tablespoonfuls / teaspoonfuls of mixture into the pan depending on the size pikelets you want. I made teaspoon sized ones - perfect size for entertaining with savoury or sweet treats. Cook until bubbles rise to the surface, turn and cook the other side until golden brown. Pikelets freeze wonderfully in a plastic bag for 2 months.

I served these 3 small pikelets with 2 dessertspoons of Natural Yoghurt, 2 large Strawberries sliced, juice of 1/4 lemon and a generous drizzle of Maple Syrup - and they WERE delicious!!!
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ get cooking and eating together with our world famous New Zealand strawberries or Rhubarb.
Cathy

"A WILD NATURE EXPERIENCE" WEEK 62 QUOTE 62

2011-11-22T22:24:00.001-08:00

A few posts back I wrote a few comments about spending time in wild nature. At the time I was thinking about my niece and her husband who live in Central Australia and enjoy the ruggedness of their part of the world. This post is by Jannah.

Walking across the spinifex plain on Day 1.

In the last decade I have started hiking/camping and travel adventures with my husband Tim and some other friends in some remote areas of Australia. I initially found these adventures daunting and scary, but at the same time also found a great sense of enjoyment and achievement.

Because of a really wet summer, we planned to make use of the extra surface water around to walk in some areas which would normally be fairly dry and inhospitable to bushwalkers. One of these hikes which had been on our list for years, was to climb Mt Zeil (the highest peak west of the Great Dividing Range). We decided to approach this climb from the south, a different route to the usual more worn track from the northwest. This involved navigating our way through undulating spinifex (a very spikey type of grass) country and winding creeks which would lead us to the base of Mt Zeil. We planned to do this with another friend over the space of about 4 days.

Looking towards Mt Zeil from the south (Looking for potential creeks)

Off we set with our packs, map and compass into the remote West Macdonnell Ranges. To start with the creeks we walked up were quite full and we even had a swim in a beautiful waterhole surrounded by River Red Gums at our first lunch spot. This filled us with confidence that water would be plentiful, so we didn't carry much to keep our pack weights down. By the first afternoon we crossed over a small saddle in a ridge and the landscape changed slightly, we didn't take too much notice until we started to run low on water and each creek bed we came across was dry. We needed to find a spot to camp for the night and to collect water to cook with and re-hydrate. The three of us began searching for water as the sun was setting. I began to feel a bit nervous but knew we could always walk back for a couple of hours to the last waterhole we'd passed. I also realised it was pointless getting worried as I didn't have time to waste, it was getting dark and we needed water and to set up camp. It was funny how quickly some adrenaline kicked in, the search became an adventure. We eventually found a small seepage of water coming out of a rock face just on dark. We each set to work syphoning each drip of water into our containers, eventually collecting about 7 litres. Once we thought we had enough to get us through the night and next morning we set off to find somewhere to set up camp in the dark.

Climbing the southern face of Mt Zeil

Watching the water we had carefully collected boil on the flames, made me feel more grateful for water than I probably ever have previously. We set off the next morning, checking every gully along the way in the hope of finding a flowing creek. Unfortunately it seemed like the geology had changed from large rock slabs that water banked up on to form pools, to a more weathered cracked rock in which the water quickly soaked through leaving only dry creek beds.

By now, I did start to get worried as we were walking further and further from the last water point - albeit only a small seepage in a rock. The only thing that kept me from beginning to panic was the fact that I was hiking with two experienced bushwalkers and they didn't seem to panic yet! I voiced my concerns about walking further from the only known water, given that we hadn't found any new water by mid morning, and so we all decided to give it another hour of searching and then if we still hadn't come across water we would have to turn back.

We split up and each went looking along different creeks. Having made a plan together, helped me feel more hopeful and eased some of my anxiety. After a 10 minutes walk up a small rocky creek bed we noticed a small puddle of clear water, Tim and I began chasing the puddle up stream and found a lovely clear creek. The excitement grew as we saw the water growing eventually into some swimmable water holes.

Camping by the water hole

In the end we climbed Mt Zeil and the view stretching for hundreds of kilometres was incredible. I was amazed at how I became much more in tune with and observant of the landscape. I took notice of what plants & birds were near water and the type of rock, so that I could use them for future reference. That hike ended up being one of the most memorable this year and so rewarding as I had to overcome obstacles, and control my mind and emotions from going into an unhelpful state of panic.

Sunrise at the water hole

As I've often said, experiences that challenge and press us give rich rewards.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS~ spend some time googling an out-of-the-way location you would like to take your children to. It doesn't have to be a great distance away, or involve huge costs. Nor does the trip need to be a long length of time. You as a parent just need to be motivated to excite your kids curiosity, and bring them in on the planning. It probably will prove to be everyone's most memorable holiday.

Cathy

L-E-T-T-I-N-G GO!! WEEK 61 QUOTE 61

2011-11-16T19:48:00.001-08:00

"The metaphoric way in which we experience our children has a great deal to do with the difficulty or ease with which we can let them go.

If you regard your child as appliances that came with a warranty and must perform as expected, you may want to discard them when they start costing a bit more to support and don't function the way you thought they should. And if you see children as cars you have carefully maintained for years and assume that their performance will reflect on how you maintain them, you may feel especially responsible if they don't work in top condition when you sell them to someone else 18 years later.

On the other hand, do you share the view of Emma Bombeck who sees children as kites?

Throughout their childhood you keep trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you're both breathless and still they crash. You patch once more, adjusting for their growing size, and caution them about the perils of unseen wind. When they are ready to try their final flight, you let out the string with joy and sadness because you know the kite will snap the line that bound you together. But you also know the kite will fly as it was meant to fly, alone and free. .......

It is difficult to let go of a kite or balloon that is our child if we doubt our child's ability to steer a course away from electric wires and other obstacles waiting to snatch the unwary. But unless we keep our children tied down and imprisoned, we don't have any other choice than to let go."

"LETTING GO OF OUR ADULT CHILDREN:When What We Do is Never Enough" : Arlene Harder

A few weeks ago our daughter got engaged and so we are thinking "weddings" - in the day and at times in the middle of the night! This is our third family wedding so one would think it gets easier the more you have 'had'. Not so. Each of our kids have their own ideas and of course the person they are marrying has theirs too, which is totally healthy.

Some people think that the wedding or moving out of home is the moment when parents must let go. But I don't think letting go is a moment, but rather a process that slowly starts when childhood finishes and a child's independence begins to develop.

Each family process, in fact every child in each family, has a unique sequence of events that lead to letting go. One element of letting go is the child's want or desire to go. A child can be let go while still in their teens, maturely and comfortably moving out to live well from here on. While there can be no desire to be let go from another, even though they are well into their thirties. Every child contributes to being let go. On finishing high school at 18 years some of our children have chosen to go overseas - to study, travel or work, while others have not been ready to contemplate such things at that stage. Choosing to be let go involves their character, independence, drive and curiosity.

Parents play the other part in letting go. If parents help equip their children for the future, they give them skills in independence and self confidence. If these skills are not taught by parents and encouraged to be exercised by the children right through childhood and teenage years, then their future is affected detrimentally.

Thus equipped, when a parent then lets go in a part of their child's life, the child learns the feeling of responsibility and being trusted. This leads to maturing and gaining of self-confidence. The whole experience has successes and failures, but in these at home years, there is still room and time to 'try it again' and practice aiming for improvement. It's not only the child who gains confidence, the parent too increases in their confidence in their child, trusting them to handle life well when they do leave.

(For some readers I realize you could be thinking, but it hasn't worked like that for me!!!! Possibly because the will of that child has not been won over to see the need to stop behaving irresponsibly, or to see a real reason to stop selfish habits. This is something I have written about previously and intend to write more specifically on in the future. [See the end section of "What Daughters Need from their Mothers" Part 2 or "The Habit if Self-Pity at the end.])

Here are some suggestions of where parents can let go of their children~

By the end of pre-school years - take total ownership for feeding themselves, toiletting, showering, dressing, putting clothes and toys away, setting a meal table and becoming a contributor to meal preparations and clean ups.

Childhood 5 - 7 years - all the above. Total responsibility to pack their own school bag after being taught, increasing responsibility as a contributor to meal preparations and clean ups.

Childhood 8 - 12 years - all the above. Total ownership in getting ready for school and remembering to hand over notes...from school, doing dishes after meals, baking and cooking simple meals after being taught, responsible to be up on time in the morning, responsible for daily or weekly household jobs to be fulfilled.

Teenagers 13 - 15 - all the above. Total ownership to get school work finished on time, being in bed on time, keeping to computer usage as agreed, music practice completed, finishing homework independently- asking for assistance at school or from others if required.

Teenagers 16 --- - all the above. Total responsibility for care of their own clothes - laundry, choice of what to wear, preparation for exams and interviews........

REMEMBER doing this involves failure - the bag taken to school by the 6 year old may be missing food to eat, the music practice by the 14 year old may be substandard and you may not like what is worn clothing wise by the 17 year old, but by letting go over time, you give everyone space to keep talking and reworking things. If you don't let go gradually, you remain holding on, moving from guiding to directing to controlling to dictating as time goes on. The experience of being trusted and trusting won't be experienced by anyone by this method. There is a difference in letting go so they have the responsibility and can choose to ask our advice, and our not letting go and giving them no choice.

Here are two short articles by Alan W. Carson, a coach for parents and author~ "The Art of Letting Go" and "Children's Wants Versus Needs", which you will find practically helpful.

Why do parents find it hard to let go?

Karen Levin Coburn, assistant Vice Chancellor for students at Washington University and author of the book "Letting Go: A Parent's Guide to Understanding the College Years", says parents have a 'do it right' approach to their kids futures and are therefore fully part of every stage to ensure the best results eventuate.(sounds like the car in the quote at the beginning of this post.)

GotQuestions?.org, says, "at the heart of the difficulty of letting go of our children is a certain amount of fear." Continuing on they said that when our children were young we could monitor their lives, but parents loose this control as children grow up.

Arlene Harder, author of the quote at the beginning of this post, says, "Letting go involves the process of transferring responsibility for our child's life from us to them." Later she says "....an ideal adult-to-adult relationship with our children can be modeled on the ideals of friendship." She says just as we can enjoy friends who are different in many ways to ourselves, so letting go means we view our own children with this same respect." "We can have equally satisfying relationships with adult children who are also out of sync with us in some way." She suggests we focus on the here and now, NOT the past or the future. This way "we allow both ourselves and our child to evolve into the people we want to be tomorrow, rather than constricting our perceptions by how we viewed one another in the past."

5 of Arlene's check points or guides on how to respond to adult children, which I think are extremely helpful ~

1. Recognize adult children's rights to decide what they will do with their time, money and energy - letting them think for themselves and live with the consequences of their choice.

2. Respect children's privacy - for example, asking if it is ok to drop in for a visit, not asking what they earn or how much they paid for an item.

3. Accepting our children for who they are. "We only need to be willing to view each other with compassion, without illusions or expectations. Once we're willing to accept each other just as we are, we (both) can stop being defensive."

4. Respect that our children may not wish to discuss topics where their views differ to ours. Parents tend to bring up these issues to steer their child away from danger or poor choices..... The purpose is to get the child to change their mind and take on the parents' view. But there's no respect of individual views with this sort of behaviour.

5. Not looking to our child as our only source of connection and love. Parents need rich lives outside their parenting role. Also parents must accept that sources outside the home can have beneficial input into their child's life.

So adult children can still be living with us, but we can have already let go of them, because as parents we are no longer taking responsibility for their lives - How do you do this? Again Arlene Harder gives six ideas.

1. If adult children live at home, state they are to pull their own weight and be a fully functioning member of the family.

2. Give the same conditions to adult children as would be theirs if they lived away from home, for example if they have no money, they are to do jobs in lieu of rent.

3. An agreement should be agreed on by both parents and child, of how everyone will function together and that there is a limit to how long they may stay.

4. When adult children have jobs, they should pay rent on a gradually increasing scale.

5. As a parent you have the right to refuse children to live at home when they are addicted to drugs, alcohol or are abusive to family members.

6. Don't allow adult children to live at home when there is not enough money or space to cope.

Arlene Harder's entire book is available for you to read and print off free for personal use. Follow the link after the original quote at the beginning of this post.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ check over how you usually respond to your children in normal daily living and see if you are working towards letting them go. If changes should be made, do it. As Arlene said "...we don't have any other choice than to let go", so work at it over time by equipping your kids, no matter how young, and give them great experiences which will give you and them confidence in their future.

Cathy.

HEALTHY EATING IN OCTOBER WEEK 60 QUOTE 60

2011-11-01T17:55:00.000-07:00

"Eating a 'varied diet' means you should eat lots of different kinds of things. Often families get stuck in a rut and eat the same things over and over again. However, a varied diet of healthy foods ensures that you get the vitamins and minerals you need. Whole foods are the best for your body. ...... It's often easier and more convenient to take vitamin and mineral supplements instead of eating a healthy diet. But many scientists believe that the vitamins found in foods are more effectively used by your body than the vitamins you may take in pills. ....... Many families encourage their children to take vitamin and mineral supplements as an 'insurance policy' to make sure they are getting enough of what they need. However, remember that taking supplements ...... won't 'fix' the problems that come with an unhealthy diet."
"Young Explorers series: Exploring Creation with Human Anatomy and Physiology" by Jeannie Fulbright and Brooke Ryan M.D.

With this in mind the 'subjects' for the two October recipes are the vegetables Asparagus and Leeks. Asparagus like leeks are members of the lily family. If you have never eaten either I highly recommend you read on and have your first taste-experience this week.

>> SPANISH ASPARAGUS <<

This authentic Spanish tapas recipe is fantastically crisp, zingy and luminous green in colour. It's a compulsory dish on our Christmas dinner table.
Being very low in salt and calories, fat and cholesterol-free, means it is a great vegetable for people with heart difficulties. Asparagus is rich in vitamin C, a good source of vitamin B6, potassium, fibre, thiamine and an excellent source of follic acid. This is good for pregnant mums as well as those trying to conceive. Asparagus is one of the richest sources of the antioxidant rutin, which strengthens capillary walls.

It is best to buy asparagus with tips that are compact or closed and stalks which are fresh in appearance.

1 generous bunch of asparagus
juice of 2 lemons
1 dessert spoon rock salt
olive oil
Wash asparagus and snap off the grey section at the base of each stalk. I cut the stalks in half - to fit into the pot. Put a generous splash of olive oil into a heavy pot, heat on high till the surface of the oil seems to shimmer or slightly move. Throw in the asparagus, put on the lid and shake around roughly for a few seconds, then return to the heat with the lid off for a couple more minutes so the stalks get seared. Again put on lid and give another rough shake, return to heat again, with lid off. Cook in this way no more than 5 minutes. Add rock salt and lemon juice, put lid on and shake, return to heat for no more than 2 minutes. Serve and eat alone (as in it's so delicious you could find you eat the lot yourself, but what I really meant was you can eat it as a tapa or appetiser on its own, or with a meal.) We cook a number of bunches and my family stand around in the kitchen eating pieces straight from the pot - they say I never cook enough.

>> BRAISED LEEKS <<

Thank Sophie Grey for this recipe "Destitute Gourmet, Everyday Smart Food for the Family".
Leeks are a great source of fibre, vitamin A, B, C, iron, potassium and calcium. They are cholesterol free and low in fat, salt and calories.

The ancient Romans believed leek was beneficial for the vocal chords. But the leek is associated today with the Welsh. Leeks are said to help sufferers with bronchitis, influenza, insomnia and even low blood pressure.
Only buy leeks that have generous white stalks with smooth skin and fresh looking green tops.

3 leeks
1 - 2 teaspoon brown sugar
1 1/2 cups chicken stock
several knobs of butter
Peel off the outer skin layer of each leek and trim ragged ends. Wash leeks thoroughly, cut into approximately 10cm pieces. Bring a pot of water to the boil and put in the leeks for 10 minutes. Drain and place in one layer into an ovenproof dish with knobs of butter and and sprinkled brown sugar on top. Pour chicken stock over the top to the level that the leeks are nearly covered. Bake at 180*C for about 40 minutes or till the stock level is reduced by half.

It seems crazy with the incredible health goodness along with the great tastes of these two dishes, that asparagus and leeks have remained unpopular vegetable choices!
THIS WEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ get your kids helping in preparing these two recipes.
Cathy

LESS QUANTITY, MORE QUALITY COMMUNICATION WEEK 59 QUOTE 59

2011-10-25T03:47:00.000-07:00

"It seems that current technology is about quantity over quality and that, having communicated via text or email, the communication needs have been met. But I would say that they have been met only in the clumsiest, most expedient way. It's like substituting a greeting card for a heart-to-heart talk. Sure, we can have more frequent episodes of communication, but perhaps they are at the expense of deeper, more meaningful pieces of communication. I see this in my own life....I have contact with my friend via facebook and email, therefore I feel like I am up-to-date on what is going on in his world when I most certainly don't. Absent these expedient communication devices, I most likely would long ago have called him to find out how he is and would have spoken more in depth with him, strengthening our friendship rather than keeping it as surface as it is with, say, my bank teller."
Viewer's comment on www.ted.com
"What I find weird is when you chat with someone online then you see them in person and barley say a word - something about that doesn't seem right."
Alex, 19
Both quotes from the book "CONNECTED: You've Upgraded the Technology - Now Upgrade the User" by Attitude.

In this post I will repeatedly be quoting from this book, indicating it by *. At $15NZ, this recently published book is easy-to-read, humorous but has challenging comment. It is a must for every household with children approaching teenagehood right through to adults who are involved with online-living. "Connected" is the fourth in a series by the Attitude group. I referred to another in the series, an excellent book on sex education for teenagers, in "What Sons Need from their Dad's" Week 19 Quote 19 and "What Daughters Need from their Mothers" Week 25 Quote 25
The ability to be able to action an idea immediately, send a detail now, 'speak' to hundreds in a minute, receive their replies the next minute, is just an ordinary everyday convenience that technology now supplies us with. To school and tertiary aged students, this technology is normal life. Along with teenagers, many adults too, freely admit to the usefulness/compulsion, in being in the habit of hourly checking their Facebook, Twitter, blogs, emails, making sure they're not 'missing out' on something.
The majority of children are growing up into a technology dominated life, which brings with it both a positive and a negative side.
"I realised I needed to spend less time on Facebook when all I could think of when I was out was getting enough cool photos to upload that night" Jeremy, 16.*
"Mobile phones have become such an extension of us that people actually now have 'Nomophobia': a genuine fear of being without it. It is mainly found in teenagers (surprise surprise!)who consider not having a phone 'social death'. How can they text their mates, put updates on Twitter or check their Facebook while on the go?" *
"A young guy from Morrinsville, Waikato was getting a piercing and feeling a little nervous. he asked the guy doing the deed if he could get his phone - he wanted to hold it for comfort!" *
"DANGER! A 2006 survey by Virgin Mobile reported nearly 4 million people in the UK reported numbness or pain in thumbs, fingers or wrists from texting and related injuries!"*
"Zombie kids' are teenagers sleeping with their phones. That is how much they love them. One dad confiscated his daughter's phone just before she went to bed. He had it in his room and it was receiving messages all night! The last one was at 4 am. Again, maybe, just maybe this is getting a little obsessive. A 'technology holiday' - a complete break from your information and communication technology - can help you get control on your life. If that idea terrifies you then you definitely need one." *
"Virgin Mobile Canada survey found that nearly one third of young people spend more time on their mobile phones and surfing Facebook than with their partners." (www.virgin.com) *
The obsession difficulties, the inability to assess when enough time has been spent with technology, is not only evident in teenagers lives. Parents too are often 'glued' to the screen. If this is you, it could help to have a careful think through of the facts and statistics that prove that the parent who is an alcoholic, illegal drug offender of sex abuser, regularly passes on their negative habits to their children. Your high priority to technology is not just seen by your kids (regardless of age), but you also are presenting it to them as normal life.
"Addiction: the state of being enslaved to a habit or a practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit forming." *

Time allocation to technology is one issue, but another, possibly more serious question is, if our main form of communication is via technology, are we going to be affected as children growing up, or as adults, in how we relate relationally to each other?
"I read some status updates from a friend who was overseas having a blast. However, when I spoke to him when he got back, he told me that he had a terrible time and was really depressed. It's interesting how deceiving Facebook can be." - Dave, 24 *
I had a similar experience this week through texting someone close to me. I knew she was undergoing some medical tests and I asked about the results. It wasn't until 2 days of texting with her that I detected something was not right, and then found out her results were most unhappy ones.
"In person, face-to-face, you can see a lot more about who people are deep down. When they talk to you, you can get a lot of information from the way they dress, the way they present themselves, their body language, their tone of voice - you can tell a lot. It may add to what they say with their words, or even contradict it. If you ask your friend, "How are you?" and they say "I'm fine, thanks!", but you notice they have tears in their eyes, dirt on their clothes and arrows in their back, the 'non-verbal cues' give you even more information than the words. Online all you get are words ... and maybe a corny emoticon or two." *
"A UCLA study indicated that up to 93% of effectiveness in communication is determined by non-verbal cues." (www.scribd.com) *
"As SMS shortcuts and chat room acronyms create a new textspeak, an entire generation may be losing out on vital conversational skills, such as non-verbal information gathering, not to mention the ability to listen instead of merely expressing something." ("Art of Conversation" Voyeur. March 2010.) *
Recently a friend told me that her daughter, in first year university, has hardly gone in to lectures and tutorials all year. She gets what she want of the course online from home.
The concern is that if we allow technology alone to be the primary medium through which a student learns, or personal relations with others are conducted, we miss out on vital aspects of communication. Vital aspects such as
~ perception and sensitivity of private emotions. The lose of these skills takes us closer to the robotic, machine-style human that some movies love to lead us to believe we are all heading to become.
~ conversational skills. As David Smiedt rightly says in his article at realviewtechnologies , conversation is not just the exchange of data, it involves a person's personality, gauging of impressions and so much more. He speaks of the growing trend in the US for 'conversation parties' where technology of all forms is banned. Susan Greenfield, neuroscientist at Oxford University, spoke to the House of Lords on the ability of social networking to "reconfigure the way a child's brain works by 'infantilising' it, symptomatically eroding their attention span and sense of identity .... [Nicholas Carr, who I referred to in "Should the Screen be My Child's Play Pal?" Week 33 Quote 33, makes the same point] .... social networking was 'devoid of cohesive narrative and long-term significance' - two factors that are hallmarks of the best conversations." Berra makes the point that the average British teenagers uses 'an average limited linguistic range of just 800 words a day - significantly less than the 40,000 words a 16 year old should have at their command...... UK Government-appointed communication Champion, Jean Gross (said), 'Eight hundred words will not get you a job.'
~ listening abilities."....teaching children listening skills is one of the most important traits we as adult human beings can help (children to) develop ...... from academic and real world success to becoming a friend and experiencing true friendship." What is needed is that children actively in an intentional, engaging way, listen. The writer of "Little Ones Reading Resource", suggests the skill of proper listening, as they describe above, happens through children being regularly read to - Teaching Children Listening through Reading. Again, referring to my post "Should the Screen be My Child's Play Pal?", Nobel Prize winning neuroscientist Eric Kandel, developmental psychologist Patricia Greenfield and a Stanford University research group, comment on the damage to attention and concentration skills that over technology use, permanently gives to people of all ages.

FIVE HUMAN ASPECTS OF COMMUNICATION WORTH PRESERVING ~
" + Expression.
The human face is capable of hundreds of subtly different emotions. You would have to be incredibly clever with your words to communicate through a keyboard all the emotions we can express with our face and body language. Even if you use smiley faces.
A strange things happens to babies born blind. At first, they smile as much as sighted babies, which makes us smile back at them. But, because they can't see our smiles, they eventually stop smiling, and tend to have 'blanker' faces than sighted people. This could happen with people who have an extensive online life. They have rich emotions, but they don't get the visual feedback from the people they are interacting with. Interacting on a computer, we are blind to the feedback....unless you are using your webcam.
+ Touch.
Of course touch can be sexual, but it can also be sensitive, friendly, reassuring and very genuinely loving. So far, you can't do that over the net.
+ Pheromones!
Love is a wonderful thing - we like to hear their voice, see their image, feel their touch...and there is still enough animal in us humans to say that it can be incredibly moving to smell them. We all give off natural scents called pheromones which, even though they can't actually be identified as smells, trigger a sense of attraction in another person. My computer smells of plastic and spilt coffee. It does not attract me. [I first heard of Pheromones when researching for a post last year "What Do Daughters Need from their Dads" Week 16 Quote 16 - the effect of a biological father's pheromones on his daughter's entry into puberty, is incredibly fascinating.]
+ Being Human.
We are physical beings and social creatures. Computers might provide a wonderful 'extra' to normal relationships, and they might even be a reasonable substitute if we can't get together, but as humans, our best times are when we get together - enjoying each other's noise, smiles and company. Parties, sport, eating together and spending time together are always going to beat hanging around a website.
+ Being Confident.
Being with people teaches us how to relate. There are always going to be times when you have to take your body along to real physical situations - job interviews, for example. Computers might be great for shy people, but to actually overcome social shyness, you do need to mix with other people offline." *

Returning to the quote at the start, the more frequently used communication methods of texting and emails, are often communicating "at the expense of deeper, more meaningful pieces of communication."

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ Do you and your kids need to even up the balance of time spent in physical person conversation with what's spent communicating through technology? Enjoy a chat with someone right now!
Cathy

FAST-PACED LIVING!! WEEK58 QUOTE 58

2011-10-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

"Time poverty is now a recognized psychological and social stressor. In a speeded-up, highly complex society, there just isn't enough time for everything: our demanding jobs, our interlocking bureaucratic responsibilities (taxes, insurance, legal issues), our loved ones, kids, our community (including the rest of nature), plus commuting and keeping up with traditional media and endless 24/7 online communications. Constantly rushing to keep up as we inevitably fall further behind, we find ourselves destroying not only our own health, but our habitat, and the habitat of the people, plants and animals with whom we share the planet. ...... many (of us) feel - completely frazzled and out of synch with our deep selves."
"SLOW DOWN: How Our Fast-Paced World is Making Us Sick" : Linda Buzzell. AlterNet. July 2009.

For weeks now I have been involved in a continuing conversation. It's been going on with friends, people I hardly know and last Friday at my back door, it was with a woman who was a total stranger. I know her name is Leah, that she is in her mid thirties and has a nine year old son. It was our blackboard in the hall just before you reach our backdoor, that sparked this particular conversation. Leah began by saying she really liked what was written on the blackboard. We then stood beside her car discussing deep feelings and frustrations of when one person wants to slow down their crazy living pace and take a "stop and blob" holiday, but their partner can't find time for that. For her partner, work was a high priority and time-consumer.
Erin on her blog "Raising Country Kids", wrote a post "Slowing Down in a Fast-Paced Life", and said, "Lately, though, I have begun to wonder if we're falling into the trap of society that requires us to need everything faster, better, and more expensive in order to be satisfied." She went on to describe how different life for her as a child was compared to now - "When we defrosted meat, it wasn't in a microwave, we planned ahead. We didn't reheat leftovers in a minute and 30 seconds, we waited for them to heat up on the stove or in the oven, and in the meantime we sat down, conversed, and relaxed. While the convenience of the microwave saves time, it is another example of our apparent need four instant gratification, and it also creates frenzied mealtimes because we know that we don't have to plan ahead. ....... The unfortunate consequence to this phenomenon is that we are losing connections with each other even as we think we are connected. For example, the people who are on the phone constantly often have bored-looking children trailing after them. There is no interaction with the children, no sharing of an experience together, after all, whoever is on the phone is clearly more important than the child. There is no smile and greeting when you meet someone on the stairs because they are too busy talking on the phone to notice your presence. There is no 'getting away from it all' because we are so intent on taking it all with us all the time.
I'm not sure where the line is between something that is a convenience for us and something that inconveniences us."
It is clear why we feel "completely frazzled and out of synch with our deep selves".
Everyone knows that living constantly under "unnatural time pressures" can easily lead to physical illnesses, social and psychological disorders.
These days it seems everyone says their lives are too fast/they have the feeling they are living on a rollercoaster/they never have enough time to think - breathe - sit down to relax - floss their teeth - enjoy a coffee or life. But the essence of living hasn't really changed at all.
~ there are still 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week
~ we still live in families and need to eat drink and sleep to survive each day
~ we still like to laugh, cry and get excited regularly
~ we still hope to improve certain things about ourselves and improve our living situation
before we die
~ we still have a curiosity about this world and would like to know and experience more of it
Nothing is new, life has always been full-on and pressured. It was this way for the slaves who built the pyramids in ancient Egypt, the peasant surf farmers of the medieval times, the barbarian invaders who entered Europe, people living at the time of the Industrial Revolution in London, and still today.
Today there are various expressions of frenetic lifestyles. Some are merely due to the choices people make and hence a choice to change, could be made.
But if you choose to continue living in your frenzy, here's some helpful ideas you would do well to incorporate into your lifestyle. They are simple ideas which the people of the past probably practiced and so 'survived' their seriously stretching lives.
I think four of Linda Buzzell's suggestions in her article are sensible and able to be applied to most people's lives.
1. Reconnect with place - settle in a place you find comfortable. Spend regular time there, exploring it, being in it and continuing to get-to-know the details of that place. We are privileged to be able to regularly go out to our family bach or holiday house, which is in a picturesque valley on the water. It is simple, has no telephone or internet connection and very poor mobile coverage, but is warmly welcoming, rich in family memories and offers generous experiences in 'living' when we stay.
2. Reconnect with animals - caring for animals or pets involves touching them, holding them which gives pleasure and joy to the carer. Even watching the flight of birds through the sky or moving from tree to tree, gives a person time to slow down, be still and quieten down. My husband loves to be with our cows. My son loves caring for his chickens
3. Reconnect with plants - enjoying nature is easy - a small plant growing on the windowsill or a tree you pass by, if closely observed can give your imagination a lot to think about. Pick up a leaf from the ground and hold it, look carefully at it because it is a unique speciman. Smell the fragrance of a flower, that too is a unique perfume. As they say, " take time to smell the roses".
4. Spend time in wild nature - this needs a length of time rather than a moment. A long slow walk along a beach or through a forest, sitting at the beach watching waves crash on the rocks, walking in a storm of heavy rain and wind. Experiences where there's no space to chat on a phone because you are absorbed in silence, fully focused on feeling, listening and seeing. Our annual holiday camping simple style is full of such occasions, cyclones and all, giving great opportunities to be slowed down and refreshed before returning to normal busyness.
The photo above of our blackboard, is a great quote by Ann Voskamp "The slower the living, the greater the sense of fullness and satisfaction."
Here's another from her, "Rest time is not lost time; rest time is what gives meaning to the rest of time." In this quote she states a misunderstanding that some people, like Leah's partner, have with 'rest'. For some it is thought that rest is a waste of time, unnecessary and even irresponsible. Movies have picked up on this theme with it often resulting in parents choosing to have no time for their children ~ Audrey Hepburn's "Roman Holiday", James Dean's "Rebel Without a Cause", "Stick It", "Cheaper By the Dozen", "She's the Man".
But rest IS significant as my musical sister reminded me. In music a rest is not nothing! It has purposely been put in its place by the composer. It gives meaning to the musical section preceding it as well as what follows it. For the composer it breaks from what's been, so they can move into a development or head into a new theme. For the instrumentalist it gives them a chance to breathe - take in air. For the listener it gives time to clear one's head, then to hear the next section. It contributes to the whole musical work. Without it there would just be a continual never-ending note after note with no opportunity to think, reflect or consider what is being heard.
Rest gives space to reflect and regroup before heading on. Isn't THAT what WE need?
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS~ You may need to actually log down how much time this week you spend slowing down - that is away from the screen, the phone and connected to nature.... Could you as a parent choose to place some rests in your fast-paced life this week as an experiment?
Cathy

FOUR MUMS SPEAK ON HOW THEY STOPPED THEIR KIDS BEING CENTRE-STAGE IN LIFE. WEEK 57 QUOTE 57

2011-10-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

Four mums describe areas of parenting that they have worked at to ensure they make the decisions and not their children. This post continues from "PARENTS PUTTING CHILDREN CENTRE-STAGE IN LIFE" WEEK 55 QUOTE 55.

1. KIDS DICTATING WHEN THEY'LL GO TO BED.

"I think one of the big areas for us has been around sleep and bedtimes. We once stayed with a close family member and I was sad to hear them asking their 4 - 5 year old, at 9pm, "don't you want to go to bed now?....no?....oh well..." We had to endure an evening with a grumpy child and a boring board game (since the adults were forced to continue to play with the child into what ought to have been adult socializing time) (Our own children had already been put to bed in the guest room)
I think our bedtimes are reasonable and age appropriate, but they have been set by us, and never dictated by the child's desires. Of course, there will always be special nights when visitors, including children, mean a special 'late night' - but only when there are visiting children involved. Then it's a special treat and a memorable and happy thing. You can see the relief on the face of visiting adults when you get to that stage in the evening where children begin to dominate, and the host parent issues a firm "bed time, darlings...", followed up with action. The ensuing peace and time to speak of important things between grown ups, in privacy, is so valuable and important to preserve." N.
Bedtime can be a daily battle for parents and an embarrassing experience if parents have no real plan to go by.
SUGGESTIONS~
* Decide what the bedtime will be. As "N" says, age appropriate times.
* State this time to your child. Some people like to give a "5 minutes to go" warning to the child, so they are ready when time is up and no discussion needed. This is especially important when you have visitors and want the child to go to bed so you and the visitors can talk.
* As "N" says, "follow up with action". Stick to the time even if you are in the middle of making coffee, a great movie, or fun time... This is the hard part for parents, but the crucial part for the child, because it's the only way they get the message that it is you who is making the decision, not them.

2. KIDS INTERRUPTING AND TALKING OVER THE TOP OF ADULTS.

"My children have always been great talkers and in their excitement to tell me things, they regularly come to me when I'm in a conversation, and just start talking! I don't like it. It throws me off the conversation and sometimes my friends giveway, so my child takes over and the conversation is steered away from my friend and on to my child.
Years ago one of our children as a littlie wouldn't sit down on the chair at the table. Instead they would stand on the chair. No amount of talking about sitting down on the chair brought any change. So my husband and I resorted to standing on our chairs when we came to eat meals. (I must admit we really had to hold ourselves back from laughing - it WAS fun to do it). We stood and ate. To our amazement our child got the picture and nothing more had to be said. From then on they sat on the chair at the table.
So with this success in mind we I tried the same technique. When they were in a conversation between themselves, I would just move in and start to talk to them about what time I wanted them to take their shower, or remind them that they were on wiping up after dinner tonight, or tell them that I was going to phone Grandma now.... It really didn't matter what I said, I just interrupted them, took over the conversation enough to throw them off theirs.
After a few of these episodes they started to ask me what I was doing, so I explained. There was the signs of understanding across their faces.
They still interrupt at times, but far less often and I handle it by interrupting them as they talk to me, they remember and leave me to my conversation." K.
This habit is so common! Little children particularly find it hard to understand mum is not available at any time, for them. But even preschoolers can learn to wait and be patient until mum can help them.
It is true that some children only learn things by 'feeling' the consequences. They know the heater is hot, because they momentarily felt it and it hurt. The methods described by "K" may not be you, but I think the success came because the mum had a plan, and consistently followed it.
ALTERNATE SUGGESTIONS~
* Parents need to decide on a plan of action and explain it to the child.
* Choose a plan you feel comfortable with.
* Practice it at home first otherwise it will not work in public.
* It is very important to keep to the plan every time and not accept the old pattern.

3. KIDS NOT THE FOCUS OF FAMILY LIFE, RATHER KIDS FITTING INTO FAMILY LIFE.
"We've decided to do things that we feel called to, DESPITE our children (like the decision to come here to Mexico). Instead of waiting for a good time when the children were older, or more independent, we decided to do what we felt challenged to do and not let our stage of parenthood call the shots. Of course this means we take our children's needs into account and recognize the limitations that exist with a young family, but not to the point where we decide to choose the easy option over the one we feel we really should take." Pi

"In thinking about this issue of 'kids taking centre stage', my mind goes immediately to our experiences as a family last week. It's been the end of the fasting month, and here in our part of the world everything shuts down as people celebrate and visit each other in their homes. We spent many days visiting friends and neighbours from a variety of levels in society. This always requires certain things of our children who are - 8 years, 6 years and 11 months. It's not a 'fun', kid focussed activity. They must shake hands with everyone as we enter the house, often sit on the floor as there is no furniture, quietly sit while the adults chat, eat sweet biscuits (which is not a challenge!), answer a few questions directed at them in the local language and then shake hands with everyone as we leave. Just to put this in perspective - my children are far from quiet, restrained kids. They yell and fight and climb on everything they possibly can, ride their bikes fast and hard with the best of them. But they have learnt over the years of doing this that there are contexts where different behaviours are appropriate, and that their immediate desires of the moment sometimes have to be put on hold. I don't know what goes on inside their heads, but while they often show initial disinterest or even begin making a fuss about it being boring and not wanting to visit yet another house ..... usually once we are on our way or have arrived they find something that they were not expecting and the experience begins to become interesting. A goat to pat, a tree to climb, a new type of biscuit to try. On one of our last days of visiting they were feeling tired and didn't know the people we were visiting. Needless to say, the conversation in the car on our way there was not positive! While at points we do decide that it's too much for them, or they are genuinely tired, sometimes it's right to push through as parents. On arrival they saw a beautiful, big fish tank full of interesting fish. They admired them and thoroughly enjoyed the visit. On the way home they eahc were smiling and holding a small jar with their own colourful fish.
The key issue for me, is that kids are part of a family to be caught up into something that is beyond just them. Isn't this what we all long for to some extent? We sometimes don't know what is best for us, or even what we actually want deep down - and children definitely don't always know what is best for them. To be part of a mini community of a family, and then a broader community means we are one among many players. This is good for our egos and also far more encouraging and exciting! To be 'centre stage' and 'directing the proceedings' is not only unhealthy and destructive for children - it is actually also a heavy burden to carry. Too much is hanging on his or her feelings of the moment.
Participating in activities that they might not choose to join is good for many reasons. Few people - adults included - would choose to do chores if we didn't have to. But I have noticed that pushing beyond their initial resistance to wash and dry up for example, can result in two happy girls getting a job done together and chatting away." Po

Once again in these two families, parents made decisions then acted on their decisions regardless of difficulties and inconveniences. The children followed the lead of the parents.
Knowing all four of these families well, I am eager to see what comes of each of these children who are all well adjusted, content and definitely not centre-staged children.
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ do you need to make some decisions in particular areas of your life where your children are calling the shots? I hope the above comments are of some help and inspiration for you.
Cathy

HEALTHY EATING IN SEPTEMBER WEEK56 QUOTE 56

2011-09-28T02:24:00.000-07:00

"How often a good meal is ruined by 'inadequate' vegetables! The French hold vegetables in such high esteem they frequently serve them as a separate course."
AUSTRALIAN ALL COLOUR COOKBOOK": Compiled by Tess Mallos.

This is the second post to do with cooking healthy foods using ingredients which people often see as unusual or difficult.
As I said in "I'm Confused" What is Healthy Eating?" Week 51 Quote 51, I like to eat all the varieties of fruit and vegetables that are on offer each month, and moving around different protein foods.

>> AUBERGINE FLATS <<

Aubergines (also called Eggplant) have a useful amount of Vitamin A,B,C and fibre. It's low in salt and calories and is cholesterol and fat free. It has a unique deep purple glossy skin which needs to be smooth and firm when bought. Traditionally aubergines were used in cooking throughout Asia, the Middle East and the Balkan area. Today they are appreciated by a much wider world audience. Many people have never eaten aubergine, so here's a simple but deliciously tasty recipe you can start with.
We eat these as a part of a meal and also as an appetiser - waiting for the meat on the BBQ ..... Always addictive - you can't stop at one!

Wash and thin slice the whole aubergine. Put a lavish slurp of olive oil on a large baking tray and coat both sides of each slice. Lay out the slices on the baking tray and grate parmesan cheese over and scatter dehydrated garlic (or spoon fresh crushed garlic)on the top.
Put into a preheated oven at 190*c (I use oven fan), for 15mins or till browned and a little crispy.

>> DHAL <<

Lentils originate in The Middle East. They say the nutty flavour of lentils is what makes them appealing. My family absolutely LOVE eating dhal. To them lentils are soul food. It's a great meal when camping - nutritious, easy to cook and fills big empty tummies!
Lentils need to be eaten with other grains, such as rice or whole grain bread, then they become a complete protein.
The protein content of half a cup of cooked lentils eaten in this way, is equivalent to the protein in one egg.
Lentils are a good source of Vitamin B, they have no fats but do have lecithin which helps to deal with fat.

Olive oil
1 sliced onion
1 large garlic clove
1 cm slice fresh ginger
1 1/2 teaspoon coriander seeds or
powder
1 teaspoon cummin seeds or
powder
1/2 teaspoon black pepper corns or
powder
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons Garam Masala
2 1/2 cups red lentils (these are
quick to cook)
5 cups water
1 tin coconut cream

Slurp olive oil into t medium sized pot. Add onion and cook for 5 mins on a low heat. Put garlic, ginger, coriander, cummin, pepper, salt, and garam masala into a mortar and pestle - crush and grind. Spoon into the onion pot and keep cooking 5 more minutes.
Add red lentils stir through then add water, stir. Turn up the heat and cook on medium-high for 10 mins, then turn back down to low for 15mins. Stir every few minutes. Add the decadent coconut cream, stir and cook for another 5 mins. Serve with steamed rice

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ Be BOLD and cook using a main ingredient that is 'new' to you. If you're stumped for ideas have a look at recipes from a different culture to your own - you could get the kids to choose, then help make it.
Cathy

PARENTS PUTTING CHILDREN CENTRE-STAGE IN LIFE WEEK 55 QUOTE 55

2011-09-22T04:16:00.000-07:00

"Not long ago I was travelling through Dallas-Fort Worth airport, sitting at a food court, when a three-year-old girl let everyone within two blocks radius know that she wanted a Happy Meal. Mom said no, and the daughter brazenly slapped her mother in the face.
Grandma, who was seated with the mother and her daughter, looked on in horror. She was clearly mortified by her grand daughter's behaviour, but seeming more so with the mom's actions! You could see the words she so wanted to say: 'Are you going to take that?' Not only did the mom take it, to make things worse she actually got up and bought her daughter a Happy Meal! I had to fight every impulse within me to get up and explain to this weak-willed parent what she was getting herself into."
"TEMPER TANTRUMS - Don't Let Your Child Call the Shots" by Clivechung on HubPages.

On first read this may simply look like a little child having a temper tantrum - which it is. But as well as a child choosing to misbehave in a public place, a parent is choosing to be manipulated and controlled by her preschooler. The child has called the shots. A mother has fallen into line under her command. The gratification of the insistence of a child for a particular food, has been given a higher priority by the mother, than securing that her own decision was carried out. She is putting her child centre-stage in life.
A child is put centre-stage if there is too much attention directed towards them. It can be the baby-sitter, an auntie, grandparents, a family friend, one or both parents. They worship the child and allow them to have their own way in areas which are not theirs to hold any authority in at all.
Some families centre-stage one child, for reasons including the following ~
~ they are a physically beautiful child
~ they are academically smart
~ they are gifted musically or artistically
~ they are competent in sport
~ they are the only girl in a family of boys
~ they remind the parent of themselves as a child......
Some families centre-stage all their children. It could be that they believe their method is an example of love and freedom, of giving opportunities of choice, thereby helping the children in future life. But if a child no longer sees them self as a child in the family, but thinks of them self as having authority over others in the family, or, they think their wants, preferences and choices have higher priority than the rest of the family, then this child is being allowed to live centre-stage in the family.
My hero Charlotte Mason, describes a child who is put centre-stage as being "out of orbit and not of use to society". She goes on to say that all children "....come to us with two inherent forces, centripetal (=moving or tending towards a centre, towards oneself) and centrifugal (=moving or tending to move away from a centre, away from self), which secure to them freedom, ie, self authority, on the one hand and proud subjection on the other." page 70 "A Philosophy of Education":Charlotte Mason.
The child who is put centre-stage is barely developing the "centrifugal" force in their character at all, hence Charlotte's description of them being "out of orbit". This is entirely true. A centre-stage child thinks on life from the perspective of them self - only. They don't think outside themselves because they have been trained that the focus is on them. Consequently they are numb to other's needs, feelings, rights of choice... Even more alarming, if allowed to develop to maturity, they are unable to put themselves into the experience of an opposing position to themselves - no empathy, they have sympathy, but of a type that is motivated by their self preoccupation, so it suits them, makes them feel good... Another result is that they are not team players. If circumstances demand they work in a team, the centre-stage person only participates on their terms. The democracy of the team set-up is re-configured into more of a 'do it my way' or the person simply leaves the team because it won't cooperate with them.
Why is this? Because in the main, their experience is that parents have always stepped out of their way for them. If they want something it has been granted. The expectation that everyone fits-in with them escalates.
HELPS AND CURES ~
For a parent in this situation there is only one solution. The behaviour of the child must change, and this only happens if the behaviour of the parent first changes.
1. It begins with saying "No" to the child, not just one time and then giving way to the child, but sticking to the "No", carrying out the full consequences of that situation's "No". If this pattern is consistently lived by, a parent's relationship with their child will radically change, and a centre-stage child's behaviour will improve. The dominance the child has over the parent and entire family, will in time disappear. Consistency however is essential because you are changing a habit both in yourself and your child. Any wavering nullifies all the territory already gained. Think of how important it is to keep on target with the rehabilitation plan for the alcoholic and drug addict, to get to full restoration.
When we say "No" to our children we are setting boundaries and limits for them. This way they learn their appropriate place in our family, not as Boss, but as a child who is part of the family, community, society and country..... A correct perspective on self for the future.
2. Parents need to identify situations when they regularly put their child centre-stage, allowing them to call the shots. If parents plan how things are going to operate before getting into these situations, and communicate this to the child, then life starts to move along lines where the child has to fit-in. For example, the mum in the above quote could have prepared her three-year-old before leaving for the airport, by explaining that when Grandma arrived they would go to a cafe and have a drink. Just a drink, nothing to eat, just a drink. By telling the little girl what they were going to do, how they were going to operate while at the airport, mum would have felt organized, leading the way into the occasion.
3. A third area where children can develop a mindset of dominance or deference is through attitudes portrayed in movies, games, TV and the books they read. From these pursuits, do they 'see' people who are out for themselves, annihilating others for their own dominance? Or do they find people who think of others, are brave, but for the benefit of others? Media such as movies, video games and TV for children, give clear and full descriptions of what both these styles of character look like. Parents need to decide which style they want to feed to their children.
4. Once the parent establishes these new patterns, the child may react badly. This is where a parent's best ally is to stay relaxed. "Don't buy into the dramas or feed them to make them worse." from Karyn Van Der Zwet : "Parents : Some Kids NEVER Get Bored" Kloppenmum blog. Don't shout over the child's performance and screams. Don't negotiate or debate. Don't get involved in the "soap opera, replete with yelling and tears and general gnashing of braces. Like I said you need to deal with this with a sense of humor." says John Rosemond, family psychologist : "Parents Can Give Children Too Much Attention". His point is not to give our attention to the ridiculous behaviour while the child continues in it. But instead forcing them to give up the big fuss, control themselves and get used to how the real world operates - for everyone, not just for them.
You may like to read Karyn Van Der Zwet's post "For Parents : Emotional Support V Emotional Indulgence".

PART 2 TO COME.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ If you find that you are the parent described above, hopefully there are points in the HELP AND CURES section you are eager to get working with.
Cathy

THE CLOSE RISK OF EYESIGHT LOSS WEEK 54 QUOTE 54

2011-09-14T02:51:00.000-07:00

"An 11-year-old boy has permanent eye damage from the beam of a green laser pointer that was bought as a toy.
It burned his retina - the light-sensitive back of the eye - leaving a 1.5mm scar and increasing his risk of developing central-vision blindness.
His eye specialist, Dr Diane Sharp, and his mother want the Government to follow other countries and restrict access to high-powered laser pointers.
Regulations are being developed, but laser sales are still unrestricted.
Their call follows a demand from the Airline Pilot's Association for regulatory action.
The association is concerned at the number of cases of laser pointers being shone at planes in the air - at least 17 this year - which could distract or dazzle a pilot at night, leading to a crash.
The devices have also been used against police, sports stars and car drivers.
They are intended for use as lecture pointers or for pointing out the direction of stars, but often they are sold as toys or gimmicks and are dangerously and unnecessarily powerful.
The 11-year-old, whose family requested anonymity, bought his 200milliwatt laser pointer for $15 during a family holiday in Thailand in January.
His mother said that in June, he played with the pen-shaped device in his bedroom with a friend on a sleep-over.
Afterwards, he had a "fuzzy blob" in his vision.
His mother later learned he had lasered his eye when he shone the pointer in a mirror and was momentarily hit by the reflection.
She said the family knew not to shine the light directly into the eyes, but did not know of the risk in reflecting the beam.
The boy has lost some visual sharpness in his right eye, reducing its reading level on the eye-testing chart by three print sizes, but his overall vision is not greatly affected because his left eye was not lasered.
"We are going to be extra protective of his vision because he is slightly compromised," his mother said.
"I feel bad because (the pointer) just seemed like a fun, groovy thing to buy. It did have this warning on it, but we had to get the magnifying glass out subsequently to see it : 'Danger, radiation, avoid direct eye exposure.'"
"There needs to be raised public awareness about the easy availability of them and the potential damage that can happen so quickly."
Dr Sharp said: "The voluntary standards are not adequate for this device. Consumers do not understand the classification system. A class-three 200mW green laser is extremely dangerous."

Laser pointers can be used for :
* Lecture and presentations. The National Radiation Laboratory says 1 milliwatt is powerful enough.
* Amateur astronomy, for pointing towards stars and aiming telescopes. Laboratory says 50mW is maximum needed.

Unsafe uses :
* Don't give any laser pointer to a child as a toy.
* Don't aim one at a person, especially the eyes, or at a mirror."

"BOY'S HIGH-RISK LASER TOY LEAVES HIM WITH SIGHT LOSS" by Martin Johnston. nzherald.co.nz.

To understand a little about how light from a laser works, I found an excellent article on line from Scientific American, "Can a Pocket Laser Damage the Eye?" It compared a laser light with the light from a light bulb.
A light bulb sends light out in all directions and we see only a small amount of that light at one time. A laser however, sends out light in one small beam, so if the laser is aimed at an eye, the eye is receiving all the laser's energy.
The light of a light bulb is of different or varied wavelengths, but the laser is "a pure tone, only one wavelength. The coherent light will be more damaging."
"Because of the unique features of laser light, it is magnified by 100,000 times as it passes through the eye. The light passes to the back part of the eye, the retina, which is where we perceive vision."
Scientific American made similar recommendations to the article above, with the addition of "DO NOT look at a beam from a laser through a microscope or binoculars."
In the streets of Auckland city at the Rugby World Cup celebrations, one of my sons saw children with laser 'toys', shining them into people's faces. The danger when laser pointers are mishandled, definitely needs to be more prominently known!
Another source of damage to eyesight, can come from the more readily used, digital camera flash.
Recently the 18-year-old daughter of a friend, suffered damage to her eye after photographing herself at arms length in the dark, with her digital camera. As she took the shot, she held the camera to the side. The camera possibly focused on the wall behind her, the flash therefore giving a more generous quantity of flash to light the distant wall, in comparison to if it had focused on the girl herself.
Dr Diane Sharp, who is a part of this case, along with fellow collegues, found the degree of damage to the girl's retina, surprising. The camera flash was tested to check if it had malfunctioned and was found to have an acceptable intensity.
Online I researched camera companies to see if they carried any warnings in their information section about dangers with camera flash ~
Kodak's warning was detailed and clear especially in relation to photographing children, recommending no closer than 1.5 metres.
Nikon and Olympus likewise expressed caution when photographing infants, recommending no closer than 1 metre.
Pentax said, "Do not use flash near anyone's eyes ..... be particularly careful with flash around infants."
However online "Peano's forum article "About Eye Damage from Flash" in February 2007, said "....to produce .... permanent damage, a focused intense light must be held in one location on the retina for a time several magnitudes greater than the duration of a camera flash .... flash as a main light in dim light conditions may produce a temporary reduction in vision but no permanent damage. Flash on nocturnal subjects during nighttime should be used sparingly due to brief impairment of vision. ..... Hypothetically, if scientific information indicated that flash photography under normal use, produced permanent retinal damage, it would trigger additional rules and regulations."
Tim Solley in "Will Flash Damage Babies' Sensitive Young Eyes?", came to the same conclusion as Peano's forum. Having done a thorough Google search on material up to September 2007, Solley said that camera flash cannot permanently harm the eyesight of babies.
These two comments and others like them on Google, are probably completely accurate when photography is practiced within the norms of the pre-'bebo' years.
Digital cameras became more common around 2003-2004. But it was probably in July 2005 when the website 'bebo' was launched, that the phenomenon of photographing oneself at such close range, actually began.
Searching through Google from 2011, 2010, 2008 and 2006, the number of handheld self photographed images diminishes sharply with each year, until in 2004 I could only find one recorded image taken in this method.
A handheld self photographed shot, is CERTAINLY less than 1 metre distance from camera to subject face, and in some cases would barely be 50cm in distance. This is well below camera makers recommendations, putting this style of photography out of the category Peano's forum described as "flash photography under normal use".
With increasing numbers of people using cameras in this manner, POSSIBLY the effects and dangers thought previously not to be possible, need to be researched and reassessed. Eye specialists are alert and have begun research, and professionals in the camera industry should follow, re evaluating their warning information with flash usage.
If an eye is damaged by a camera flash, the other eye works toward compensating for it, over the following days. This can give an injured person, a false idea that healing has occurred. This is why it could be hard for parents to determine if a small child has eye damage or not.

How does all this affect someone using flash on their camera?
* Do you really need a flash? If not, turn it off. I recently watched a mum photographing her
preschooler in doors. She took dozens of shots all on flash, at a distance of less than a metre.
* When you do need to use flash, get children to look to the side of the camera before the shot, NOT
at the flash. (my friend suggested this and the next 2 suggestions - thanks C)
* Restrict photographing in the dark. Eyes fully dilate in the dark and so are fully open to allow the
maximum amount of flash in - this is dangerous.
* If photographing in dark conditions, be aware and careful of where you aim the camera. A camera
flash senses how much light is needed to illuminate the object in focus. If it is directed at a distant
wall, you over flash yourself.
My friend's daughter has been recovering well since her accident two months ago.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ If your kids take flash photographs, maybe you need to share this information with them.
The dangerous risks with laser pointers, needs to be circulated and made public to parents and children alike.
Cathy

THE DAY BEFORE THE RUGBY WORLD CUP OPENED: A 21 IMAGE TRIP IN AUCKLAND. WEEK 53.

2011-09-08T03:29:00.000-07:00

We parked the car at Devonport.

As we walked to the ferry we passed a crew of gardeners planting parsley and silverbeet in the public gardens along the street.

We hopped on the ferry and headed for Auckland city.

Gliding passed the lately erected pavilion called "The Cloud".........

we docked in front of the old Customs House in Auckland city.

Immediately, THE IMAGE, bathed in brilliance, welcomed us.

We entered the Wynyard Quarter and crossed the team colours striped walkway heading to the Wynyard Crossing - the bridge perfectly opened for the shot!

The huge two-people sized wooden lounges, waited on the other side for any who were tired and needed a rest.

A coffee and cake at Rush Worths (son-in-law works here).....

then a stroll along the kilometre of low wooden bench seats that perimeter the harbour.

We arrive at stage one of Silo Park in the Wynyard Quarter.

After climbing the 12 metre high, 110 metre long steel gantry, we stand by the swamp grass ponds looking back along the kilometre bench seat walkway.

Wish I could have played on the beautiful shell themed playground.

Into the fish market which is right in the Wynyard Quarter.

A stop for ice cream.

Into "The Cloud" , under the clouds - at the other end of the Wynyard Quarter.

After a free bus trip out of the Wynyard Quarter up Queens Street, we walked up Wellersley Street towards the art gallery and found the Keruru sculpture. The Auckland Art Gallery reopened last weekend after a revamp.

"Red" by Choi Jeong Hwe, greets us at the entrance to the art gallery

I love the soft reflections in the water pool underneath.

We slipped back past "The Cloud" on the ferry, ready to go home.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ I guess most Kiwis and visitors to NZ will be heavily involved in rugby and enjoying our beautiful cities in Aotearoa ~ The Land of the Long White Cloud.

Cathy

HAPPY FATHERS DAY WEEK 52 QUOTE 52

2011-09-02T03:15:00.000-07:00

COUNTING DOWN - 2 DAYS TO FATHERS DAY!!!!
Here in New Zealand this Sunday is Fathers Day

The 'venue' of our Fathers day celebration

We actually celebrated Fathers Day last Sunday at home, over a late, long lunch. Unfortunately we had two sons missing, one living in London and the other stuck at work, but this coming Sunday even more couldn't make it. The group of eight happy faces did the trick for my husband, who felt loved by his kids.

Some of our kids making lunch for Dad

I put the question "What do you love about being a Dad?" to six fathers.

James will be a 'dad' by this coming Christmas ~
"It was two weeks ago, and my wife and I were having dinner with some friends. I was asked out of the blue, 'What are you looking forward to in becoming a dad?' Had I had time to collect my thoughts, I think I would have said: 'Amidst all the upcoming challenges, I'm looking forward to taking pleasure in the small things, the little things my child does. I'm expecting to enjoy how my wife and I grow a new admiration for each other as we see our limits stretched.'
Instead I blurted out, 'Hmmm.... not sure. I'll have to think about that!' "

In the Mothers Day post WEEK 37 QUOTE 37 , Joy wrote about what she was looking forward to when she became a mum. Her husband, Rhys, writes below - they are still waiting for their baby's birth - soon now??
"For me, the thing I am most looking forward to in becoming a dad is enjoying the wonder of what it means to be a father. Having the privilege of caring for a child that is mine, teaching and raising them to know God and love life. It's a daunting and exciting place to be at the same time!"

Another writer who was a mum-to-be in the Mothers Day post WEEK 37 QUOTE 37 was Kelly. Now as parents, her husband, Andrew writes ~
"The birth of our newborn has been such a joy to our lives. Being a new dad has brought reflections on the past and the blessings I've received. Now the journey of dispersing them to my son has begun with a great hope in my heart for what is to come from his life. I used to talk to him in the womb, 'hurry up baby, it's better out here than in there!' Watching him smile and laugh, (after being out of the womb three months now), has persuaded me he's starting to agree."

Nancy also wrote about being a mum back in May WEEK 37 QUOTE 37 , and her husband, Aaron, father of a bunch of kids, says ~
"I am surprised at the reoccurring realization that I am a father of four wonderful God-given children. A privilege and responsibility I think is probably the biggest task I could ever undertake. I still find myself completely unqualified, unready, and unsure on how to be a good and conscientious parent in this huge task - but would not trade the opportunity for the world. My love and joy of them and for them, is a beautiful empowering thing. I love the way my eldest is already striving to be the best he can, always asking, always discovering. I love the way my next son is so sharing and thoughtful toward his siblings, and how he can be so intuitive and quick at summarizing the matter at hand. I love how my youngest boy is pushy and stubborn while trying to be a 'big boy' - yet still able to be quiet, thoughtful and solitary in his own company. I love the cheeky squint and smile of my baby daughter as she deliberately woos her daddy - successfully I might add... I love the way all the boys rush to me as I walk in the door, ready for a wrestle, full of knights, dragons and all sorts of imaginative adventure. I love in particular the way all of my children look up to me as if I am the best dad in the world, no matter how many times I fail them... I am proud of my children - despite all the rough edges they all possess - and I find myself wondering at the delightful and ever advancing characteristics of these little souls. I love being a dad!"

Here's the thoughts of a dad with children, teenagers and beyond ~
"What I like about being a father now is the joy I have in knowing that I can continue to love and encourage my children despite their growing up and moving out and on to other places and ventures. Far from these opportunities fading out as I feared, I feel I now recognize them and use them better than I did before."

Finally a father of four children, with eleven grandchildren and eleven great grandchildren, said ~
"It's the fact that our children have produced beautiful grandchildren for us and are giving us a lot of pleasure."
And his wife added ~
"You see what great people your children have grown into and they all support us."

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ If you are a father - stop, watch and listen to your children a little more than normal. Don't hanker for the future when they are grown and gone. Enjoy what they are now. That way you will have great memories of them in the future.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO ALL DADS !!!!

Cathy

"PERSEVERANCE" WEEK 52 QUOTE 52

2011-08-25T03:28:00.000-07:00

"Perhaps the most important attitude for cultivating good fortune is a strong sense of perseverance. Many of the people in this book faced considerable constraints in finding the Element and managed to do it through sheer, dogged determination. None more than Brad Zdanivsky.
At nineteen, Brad knew that he loved to climb. He'd been climbing trees and boulders since he was a kid and had moved on to scale some of the highest peaks in Canada. Then, while returning home from a long drive after a funeral, he fell asleep at the wheel of his car and plunged nearly two hundred feet off a cliff.
The accident left him a quadriplegic, but he remained a rock climber in his heart. Even as he waited at the bottom of the cliff for help to arrive, knowing that he couldn't move, he recalls wondering if it were possible for a quadriplegic to climb. After eight months of rehab, he began to talk to fellow climbers about designing some kind of gear that would get him back onto a mountain. With the help of several people, including his father, he created a device with two large wheels at the top and a smaller one at the bottom. Seated in this rig, he uses a pulley system with his shoulders and thumbs that allows him to scale about a foot at a time. The technique is excruciatingly slow, but Zdanivsky's persistence has been rewarded. Before his injury, his goal had been to climb the two-thousand-foot Stawamus Chief, one of the largest granite monoliths in the world. In July 2005, he reached that goal.....
People who find their Element are more likely to evolve a clearer sense of their life's ambitions and set a course for achieving them. They know that passion and aptitude are essential. They know too that our attitudes to events and to ourselves are crucial in determining whether or not we find and live in the Element." page 167 - 168.
"THE ELEMENT": Ken Robinson

It's hard to stop quoting this excellent, must-read book for all parents!

As Ken Robinson says, most successful people get where they do "through sheer, dogged determination."
Possibly none of my children are going to become internationally successful, but I do hope that each of them will have 'success' in some shape or form. "Success" could be to learn to ride the bike before Christmas, to save $100 by next year, to stay at school till the end of Year 13, to 'nail' an internship at an admired company, or take full responsibility from here on for washing one's own clothes. The point is - to get there is going to take time and perseverance.
In April last year I wrote a post on an incredible young role model, Jessica Watson, the then 16 year old Australian who successfully circumnavigated the globe - WEEK 9 QUOTE 9 . Jessica is an example of perseverance.
In that post I commented on the harm parents do their children when they allow them to give-up on things, when the parent knows it is an issue of laziness or selfishness on the child's part, and that the child could and should keep going. I'm picking up this point now in this post, because when children get away giving-up on things they should see to completion, they are missing the natural opportunities given in life to learn perseverance.
It is true some kids by nature are more determined than others, but if a child in their growing-up years has little to no personal experience of having to persevere, they will be robbed of knowledge which is needed for success in life.
My 'hero', Charlotte Mason, discusses her search back in the late nineteenth century, to find material to help parents and teachers encourage children in what she called "steady effort" = perseverance. ".... there was the depressing sense of labouring at education in the dark; the advance made by the young people in moral, and even intellectual, power was like that of a door on its hinges - a swing forward today and back again tomorrow, with little sensible progress from year to year beyond that of being able to do harder sums and read harder books." She then goes on to say, ".... they were all incapable of steady effort, because they had no strength of will, no power to make themselves do that which they knew they ought to do. Here, no doubt, come in the functions of parents and teachers; they should be able to make the child do that which he lacks to power to compel himself to "(do). page 99-100 "Home Education" by Charlotte Mason.
Success in learning perseverance depends, according to Charlotte Mason, on the efforts of parents and teachers. Writers on the subject today completely agree.
There seems to be three major reasons why children don't learn perseverance.
1. Parents don't live an example of perseverance themselves.
The "Knol - a unit of knowledge" website, says that all day our children overhear and observe our reactions to difficult situations. "Your kids won't think it's important to persevere if you're routinely giving up on diets or exercise programs, or quitting college classes when they get tough. They won't think it's important to follow through on commitments if you back out on organizing the church fundraiser or fail to take them to the zoo as you promised." "If there's discrepancy between what you say and what you do, your kids are just going to ignore what you told them. But if your actions are consistent with your words, then your message is going to be reinforced."
Parents are not being asked to live perfect lives, rather we're asked to take an honest look at our habits and see if we need first to deal with ourselves.
The power of living with a real example of perseverance right in front of us, is found in the story of Robert the Bruce. You can read a short version of the story here.

2. Parents don't prepare their children to persevere, because they fail to teach them how to work at things.
The second reason why children don't know how to persevere, has helped me to get thinking in regards to some in my family. In a large family like ours, it's easy as a parent to assume everyone understands what is expected. I now realise I probably have not been clear enough for some to know exactly what is expected of them.
Bernie Quimpo's article "Teaching Your Child How to Persevere" on HUBPAGES, says that when kids are unclear of parent expectations they can end up getting away with anything or feel that nothing they do is ever good enough. It's recommended to start with everyone being involved in family jobs or chores with the understanding that in doing so they are contributing to the family. Jobs need to be age appropriate. Begin by showing and teaching a job, step-by-step. For ideas you can look at my post WEEK 25 QUOTE 25 "What Daughters Need from Their Mothers - B. Flexibility For Multi-Occupations" and also in my most popular post, WEEK 17 QUOTE 17 "What a Son Needs from His Mum - 10 Things Mothers Should Teach Their Sons; by Lilsugar points 11 - 15.
Before an overly excited child signs up with a sports team or begins guitar lessons, parents should talk them through what is actually involved. This way they can with understanding, responsibly commit to it.
Another aspect of setting children up well, is seen when your child leaves homework till the night before it's due. You are then at this late stage asked to 'help' (meaning "Will you do it for me Mum?"). DON'T. Give them some help with ideas or a plan of action, but don't do more. The next time show them a method to work on the assignment with better time usage. The point is not about getting top marks - rather it's about teaching our kids to persevere, developing ways to work hard at things themselves.
Going back to Charlotte Mason - she said the children were "incapable of steady effort, because they had no strength of will, no power to make themselves do that which they know they ought to do." - as she concludes, here's where us parents come in.
The last reason children don't persevere is ~
3. Parents don't praise their children for their efforts.
At first I thought this a weak point - everyone praises their kids! But what do we praise them for?
Professor Carol Dweck PhD of Columbia University, found through her research that when children were praised for intelligence "they avoided risks in a effort to keep looking smart."
However, kids praised instead for effort "are energized by the difficult questions."
The research of another professor, Sanford Dombusch PhD of Stanford University, shows high school students who were most successful in achievements, had parents who gave praise for hard work and effort.
Students that performed the worst, however, had parents who either ignored results, "punished or criticized poor grades or paid for good grades with money or other material rewards."
'Paying' children for good results, whether it's top marks at the end of school or university, a ballet exam Distinction, for coming first at Nationals in sport and the such, gives the wrong message about the place of perseverance in life. We are only confusing them.
Children of all ages need the correct form of praise - not money - they need to know their parents value and accept them. Another old post you can look at for more on this - WEEK 23 QUOTE 23 "What Daughters Need From Their Mother - B. A Positive Example Acceptance, Approval, being Valued, Being Loved".

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ Along the route of learning to persevere, there are struggles and difficulties working against progress. Naturally, such experiences are not enjoyed by children, teenagers or adults. But for parents to bail out their children, cover them from the hurts, avoiding situations of difficulty - they ruin the possibility of their children becoming future adults who persevere.
Cathy

"I'M CONFUSED! WHAT IS HEALTHY EATING?" WEEK 51 QUOTE 51

2011-08-18T04:50:00.000-07:00

"More than a decade and a half ago, the US Department of Agriculture (USDA) created a powerful and enduring icon:the Food Pyramid. This simple illustration conveyed in a flash what the USDA said were the elements of a healthy diet....
Tragically, the information embodied in this pyramid didn't point the way to healthy eating. Why not? Its blueprint was based on shaky scientific evidence, and it barely changed over the years to reflect major advances in our understanding of the connection between diet and health.
With much fanfare, in 2005, the USDA retired the old Food Guide Pyramid and replaced it with MyPyramid, a new symbol and "interactive food guidance system". The new symbol, basically the old Pyramid turned on its side, has been criticized ever since its debut for being vague and confusing. In 2011, the USDA replaced this much-maligned symbol with a new food icon, MyPlate.
....the new icon while an improvement over MyPyramid, still falls short on giving people the nutrition advice they need to choose the healthiest diets.
As an alternative to the USDA's offering, faculty members at the Harvard School of Public Health built the Healthy Eating Pyramid .... The Healthy Eating Pyramid takes into consideration , and puts into perspective, the wealth of research conducted during the last 15 years that has shaped the definition of healthy eating.....
This document, which by law must be revised every 5 years, aims to offer sound nutrition advice that corresponds to the latest scientific research."
THE NUTRITION SOURCE: Food Pyramid: What Should We Really Eat? www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/what-should-you-eat/pyramid-full-story/index.html

I highly recommend reading the whole of this article.
The confusion about what foods are healthy is not just to do with pyramids.
We are told that red meat gives us essential iron and protein sources for tissue and muscle fibre development. But health specialists warn us that if we eat too much we heighten the risk of heart disease and cancer.
If you have problems with bad body odor, some suggest to cut back on red meat. Medical authorities in the areas of diabetes, osteoporosis and immunity system problems, also give a clear vote to lower the consumption of red meat.
But if you have problems with anemia, red meat along with other iron-rich foods, are encouraged.
Other foods and food groups also suffer with contradictory advice.
It's a confusing picture.
In most doctors waiting rooms, and near the dispensary in pharmacies, there is often a rack-full of literature in pamphlet form, suggesting a variety of approaches to eating. Add to this, product promotion through television and magazine diet advertising, and magazine articles on what's best to eat and we find the picture gets more foggy.
What is the best approach to eating?
Finding the Harvard School of Public Health article is a help. Its explanations of why previous models have been inadequate and its statement of the intent to revise the pyramid each 5 years as new facts are found, is all helpful.
But I think food and eating must be a pleasurable and fun pass time. The preparation and eating of food should not have a science experiment feel to it. It needs to always be another opportunity of communication and enjoyment of being together as a family. (You may like to read my post WEEK 12 QUOTE 12 on The Family Meal Table)
My approach to food is simply to eat from every food group, eating through all the varieties that each offer. With vegetables don't just stick to potatoes, carrots, peas - include all the options on the shelves at the vegie shop. The same with fruit. If I don't know how to cook something I Google for ideas. Often friends from other cultures to our own, have great recipes for foods that are unusual to us. Trying new foods broadens our taste palette and gives our family diet, the health benefit of different nutrients and minerals.
Each month for the next year I intend to put up 1 or 2 healthy recipes using ingredients available that month here in New Zealand. I'll aim to use some unusual foods.
So here's the first one ~

>>> AUGUST <<<

CREAMY PARSNIP OR SWEDE.

From the first night I made this it has been an absolute favorite in our family. Some in my family find the flavor of parsnip, strong. This recipe however makes it totally acceptable.
Parsnip is an excellent source of fibre, has vitamin C, Potassium, is very low in salt, low in calories, low in fat and is cholesterol free.
I use 3 MEDIUM SIZED PARSNIPS / if I'm making the swede version I use 1 SWEDE.
A LARGE HANDFUL OF ITALIAN PARSLEY (I LOVE the smell and taste of Italian parsley). Parsley is rich in vitamin C, vitamin A, and has twice as much iron as spinach. You can keep it with a little water in the fridge in a plastic bag, or freeze it.
100gm approx GRATED CHEESE.
Wash Parsnip and slice into similar sized pieces/if using swede, peel and slice into 2cm cubes. Put 2 cups water into pot, lid on and bring to the boil. Add Parsnip/Swede, lid on and cook 15 mins. Grate cheese, and wash then roughly chop Parsley. Once cooked pour most of the water off the vegetable, leaving a small amount behind. Throw in the Parsley and Cheese, lid on and shake over a low heat 2 - 3 minutes. Serve.

BAKED PEARS.

I only started to bake pears this way this winter. Pears have vitamin A, B and C.
It takes 30 seconds to prepare this dessert!
Use 1 PEAR PER PERSON. Wash and place into an oven dish. Bake at 180*C oven for 30 mins - the pears need to split open and juice ooze out. some pears varieties do better at this than others. I prefer Packhams and Doyenne du Comice varieties. The pear juice in the oven dish becomes a syrup which is to die for! Easier to eat with a knife and fork.
(Thanks to Jack Forsyth's "Scrumptious Tucker" for his insightful information of fruit and vegetables.)

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ for one meal, get them involved in cooking - try these recipes or something else which introduces a new fruit or vegetable to your family. Happy eating.
Cathy

RESPONSIBILITY - WHOSE IS IT? "Feeding Your Children - OBESITY" WEEK 50 QUOTE 50

2011-08-10T20:59:00.000-07:00

"Weight problems are epidemic. Two-thirds of American adults are overweight or obese. Childhood obesity has tripled in the past three decades. Kilos often are packed on gradually over decades, and many people struggle to limit weight gain without realizing what's causing it."
"PUTTING ON WEIGHT IS MAINLY ABOUT DIET - NOT EXERCISE" : The New Zealand Herald. Friday June 24 2011.

The "Biggest Demon"

A New Zealand Health Survey in 2006 - 2007 found that 26.5% or one in four New Zealanders were obese. The survey said that 41.7% of Maori adults were obese and Pacific Island men and women were two and a half times more likely to be obese than men and women of the total population of New Zealand.
Some major hospitals and the ambulance service in New Zealand, have had to modify their facilities to accommodate people with extreme weight problems, by installing winches and hoists capable of lifting 500 - 750kg.
Reality television shows "The Biggest Loser" and "Big Fat Family Challenge", help a viewer understand and sympathize with the difficulties in life for obese people, and the determined willpower required to successfully free oneself from the habit of over eating.
Many countries of the world have increasing numbers of people who are obese. Why? How does a person become obese?
A team of Harvard University researchers - Dariush Mozaffarian, Tao Hao, Eric B. Rimm, Walter C. Willett, Frank B. Hu, released findings in June this year under the title ~
"CHANGES IN DIET AND LIFESTYLE AND LONG-TERM WEIGHT GAIN IN WOMEN AND MEN."
Their study was with over 120,000 American men and women who were not obese at the beginning of the study. The focus of this study was dealing with what habits led to obesity, rather than trying to find ways to assist obese people with weight loss.
Testing was conducted in three separate studies each lasting over 20 years. Every four years changes in lifestyle and factors for weight change were recorded. All three studies revealed the same connection of lifestyle changes with weight gain..
WHAT DID THEY FIND?
* It was "misleading" for a person to focus on eating food that carried
labels saying it had fewer calories, was low in fat, low in energy
density, low in sugars....
RATHER the researchers stated it was extremely important to eat
food and drinks which were healthy by nature.
* The "biggest demon behind" excessive weight gain was the humble
potato chip with its irresistible flavors and crunchy crisp texture.
* The second serious contributor was potatoes.
* Coming in third was sugar sweetened drinks - "liquid sugars". All the
sodas, soft drinks, fizzies, juices, sweetened waters and sweetened
sports drinks.
* Fourth place was unprocessed red meat - beef and lamb.
* The fifth highest contributor to high weight gain, was processed meats
such as bacon, hot dogs and deli meats.

The researchers also gave the following foods as the best helpers to prevent obesity ~
+ Vegetables of any variety
+ Wholegrains such as : brown or wholegrain rice
: oats raw or as porridge or oatmeal
: corn even popcorn
: bulger
: buckwheat
: spelt
: wild rice
: whole kernel or wholemeal or wholegrain flour
+ Fresh fruit of any variety
+ Nuts
+ Yoghurt
These are all less processed, raw foods.

Eating more "healthful" foods changes the patterns in our eating such as
= the feeling of being hungry
= the feeling of one's appetite being satisfied
= the size or food portion we eat
= the insulin level in our body

As Frank Hu, senior author of the research paper says, "These findings underscore the importance of making wise food choices in preventing weight gain and obesity." "The idea that there are no "good" or "bad" foods is a myth that needs to be debunked."
Another fact that helps prevent obesity is physical activity.
Whereas ' regular alcohol use
' regular television watching
' regularly sleeping of less than 6 hours and more than 8
hours each day
were found to contribute to obesity.
This study gives us lots of practical, easy-to-follow directions to keep parents and kids, out of the zone of obesity.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ As you eat and drink your way through this coming week with your usual family favorites, check how much of your eating habits could be contributing to a future of obesity.
Next post - some recipes of food and drinks to help keep us out of the obesity zone.
Cathy

RESPONSIBILITY - WHOSE IS IT? "FEEDING YOUR CHILDREN" WEEK 49 QUOTE 49

2011-08-03T22:43:00.000-07:00

"At least three quarters of New Zealand's low-income primary and intermediate schools have joined charitable schemes to feed pupils.
A Herald survey has found many schools have signed up with several charities to cover breakfast and other food needs during the day.
All primary and intermediate schools in the lowest fifth of schools are also eligible to get at least one piece of fruit a day for every student under the government $12million Fruit in Schools scheme.
The Ministry of Health says only 12 of the 496 eligible schools have declined to accept fruit.
But a few schools have stayed out of the schemes, or limited their involvement, because they do not want to undermine parental responsibility.
Some schools have provided breakfast - or lunch for children who come to school without food to eat - through churches and volunteers at least since the 1990's.
The first nationwide program was KidsCan, founded in 2005 by a former sponsorship executive for the Warehouse, Julie Helson. It provides muesli bars, fruit pottles, raisins, bread and spreads through teachers to 20,000 children each week in 189 decile 1 - 4 schools. . . .
The principal of decile 1 Bairds Mainfreight School in Otara, Alan Lyth, said his school decided not to run breakfast programs and gave out KidsCan food to an average of less then one of its 370 students a day, because all the students received fruit and he did not want to completely take over the parent's role."
"OUR HUNGRY KIDS: MORE SCHOOLS FEEDING CHILDREN" :Simon Collins. July 25 2011. NZ Herald.co.nz

In the same week as this NZ Herald article, NZ TVOne program "Close-up" ran the story of Monica Tigifagu, mum to 6 kids, with 4 different fathers. Monica is on the Domestic Purposes Benefit for solo parents, after paying her bills, she said she often had just $80 a week left to spend on food. The cupboards and fridge were bare of food except for bread, margarine and peanut butter. This is what the family ate for lunch the day of the interview.
Monica, smoking her cigarette while chatting with interviewer Mark Crysell outside, was asked if she thought it fair that she smoked when her family were so hard pressed for food? She answered that she needed cigarettes to cope. Monica said she encouraged her children with their education because she didn't want them as adults to have to live as she lived now.

Children who are hungry. Children going without a meal, even a day's worth of meals. None of this is new and is certainly not restricted to New Zealand and the end of the twentieth and beginning of the twenty-first century! There has always been the poor and hungry! There has been examples of support for the hungry of various kinds in different cultures.
In ancient middle eastern cultures there was a wonderful practice, that the margins of a cropped field at harvest time were left free for the poor and hungry to 'help themselves'. It was willingly available for them. Yes they needed to come to the field, do the picking, carrying, grinding or whatever - themselves, but the produce was then all theirs to live on.
The organization Oxfam, say they don't like to give food to the hungry. "We'd sooner help them grow it. For example, seven years of drought on the southern edge of the Sahara have destroyed the way of life of the Tuareg herdsmen, forcing thousands into the towns to queue for relief food. For a small number Oxfam has found an answer. At Tchirozerine in Niger, hungry people have been shown how to make the best use of water resources to improve their pasture and grow new crops. Already the results have been dramamtic. But the task in the whole area is huge......"
What a radically, different approach these two examples are, compared to the two at the start of the post!
The KidsCan and the DPB family style, STYLE 1, is that parents with little effort or involvement, have the food provided for them and for their hungry children.
Whereas the ancient Hebrew and Oxfam style, STYLE 2, is that parents are involved, equipped, trained and assisted to work at responsibly themselves providing the food for their hungry children. The people of the simpler cultures here seem to be getting the better deal - a future with hope.
Both systems have costs ~
* The first group, STYLE 1, depends on the government providing through benefits directly to the parents, or to the school along with financial support from businesses and organizations. But with little or no cost to the parents at all.
* The second group, STYLE 2, depends on the government, along with businesses and organizations, putting finance into setting-up schemes of practical self-help solutions. This involves commitment and effort from the parents, resulting in a change of lifestyle and possible graduation out of the hunger cycle.
What could a self-help scheme look like?
Being a Charlotte Mason advocate, I believe it must start with conversations, possibly through a DVD, convincing the parents of hungry children, that they have a say in their children's future. By parents remaining in STYLE 1 mode, the probability of their grand-children going on in the future to also be hungry, is extremely high. However, if they chose to commit to a STYLE 2 lifestyle and be involved in a practical self-help scheme, there was a high probability their grand-children in the future would not be troubled with being hungry.
Next, the scheme would need to deal with the immediate, by teaching parents and children of 13 years and older, to be able to prepare a weeks worth of nutritious yet economical meals for all the family. Starting with how to make porridge, soup from cheap seasonal vegetables, protein and fibre rich dinners, desserts and baking.
If organizations, businesses and the government are happy to pitch-in with a STYLE 1 method, I think they'd be ecstatic to be involved with a STYLE 2 self-help solution for the hungry.
Thirdly, there should be training for parents and children 16 years and older in the following areas ~
# successfully living frugally
# managing one's finances
# starting and successfully working a home-based
business
# preparation for getting a job in various industries
# preparation to study for a qualification
# encouraging good family dynamics towards
working as a team
This would really establish a changed lifestyle, habits of thinking and effect a future of hope.
I like Alan Lyth's comment, from Baird's Mainfreight School in Otara, "he didn't want to completely take over the parent's role."
But this is exactly the road the media and others are steering us down with the escalation of free hand outs!

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ Parents, take responsibility for caring for your children, responsibility for feeding your children. Stop letting the State or an organization do-it-all for us. If we want our kids to responsibly care for their kids, we need to live responsibly today.
Cathy

DECIDING WHAT COLOUR TO PAINT A CHILD'S ROOM WEEK 48 QUOTE 48

2011-07-25T20:45:00.000-07:00

"I always tell my clients 'Your home is your decorated personal space but your child's bedroom is their personal space, so it should be an expression of their personality."
Maria Killain : Color Me Happy.
"Kids use their room for many things; sleeping, playing, learning, getting creative, and feeling comfortable. It's their space. That is why decorating your kids rooms the right way is so important."
Cool-Kids-Rooms.com : Lolita Galstain

I love colour, always have, that's why when we built our house years ago and came to the walls, we used strong colours. We've never regretted it. Living rurally we found that strong natural colours framing native timber windows, looked superb. At the time of building we had lots of little kids, endless building decisions to make with managing the project ourselves while maintaining normal working patterns.
But one of my regrets now is that my husband and I chose all the colours rather than letting our kids make choices for their own rooms.
Recently I noticed that there is a trend to paint not only the living area and the children's or baby's room white, but to also paint the children's furniture white - the all white look. I looked online to find that the most popular selling colour paint for kids bedrooms is white, then beiges, grey greens, pale blues yellows and pinks, following close behind.
A person at "Surf Net Parents", says "white is a great color but it isn't great for walls. It makes walls look boring and cold. It doesn't make you feel invited. Use a color your child likes...."
As I kept reading I found some colour experts and interior designers for children's areas, said that neutral colours or off-whites should be used, then a child's own work or things they have made, can be shown off on this background. Then there were people who thought colours should be cheerful and energizing in children's rooms and needed to be ones that would "grow with them". One lady said to use colours that make a statement, giving the example of light charcoal and white for a baby's room, saying "It's unexpectedly elegant". Others recommended doing what I didn't - use your child's favorite colours, the ones they love and connect with their character.
There is a lot written on colour psychology - how colour affects our mind, mood, feelings and behavior. Certain colours seem to create specific sensations.

BLUES ~

Blues cause the body to produce calming chemicals. Blues can give feelings of sadness or indifference for some people. People are more productive in blue rooms - studies show that weightlifters are able to handle heavier weights in blue gyms. (I know this has nothing to do with children's bedrooms but I found it interesting) Another interesting fact, blue is often used on the walls of psychiatric and correctional facilities to provide a soothing effect. Blue they say is a healing colour. If blue is diluted to a lighter hue it can reduce stress. Blue generates a sense of well-being. Blue gives an impression of space.

PURPLES ~
Purple gives a feeling of whimsy and fantasy. Purple has connotations of luxury, wealth and sophistication. It is a romantic and sensual colour. Historically purple was a colour of royalty and drama. Pale purples are friendly but at the same time a cooling colour. We mixed a purple-blue colour for our bedroom in a previous house which was high, overlooking the sea - it was totally ethereal.

REDS~

This is the most emotionally intense colour. It represents passion and is the colour of love. Red symbolizes aggression, boldness, assertiveness along with opulence and excitement. Red attracts attention. It is an appetite stimulator. In a large space red can be energizing and invigorating. In a small space some think it is cozy and intimate, while others sense it as claustrophobic.

PINKS ~

Pink is a tranquil colour. In the past it was thought to be a girl only colour, but not so today. Sports teams sometimes paint the locker room used by the opposing teams bright pink so their opponents will lose energy.

ORANGES ~

Orange has a feeling of sumptuousness. It's a colour from the earth and rocks with many rich tones. Orange conjures ideas of the cultures of India, the Middle East through to Morocco. It promotes the feeling of excitement and vibrance. The colour orange improves the appetite and enhances social interaction.

YELLOWS ~

Yellow is a cheerful wake-up colour. It is a fun colour. Certain shades are quietly distinctive. Yellow enhances concentration, communication, circulation and stimulates activity. However people loose their temper more often in yellow rooms. Yellow speeds up metabolism :) Most people's mood is lifted by yellow light frequencies.

GREENS ~

Green is the easiest colour on the eye and can improve vision. It is a calming refreshing colour. People waiting to appear on TV or go on stage sit in a 'green room' to relax. Green is a restful colour and aids in sleep. Green gives the sense of gracefulness and reflects a garden palette. It symbolizes freshness and a summery feel. Green is my favorite colour.

NATURALS AND NEUTRALS ~

These are earthy colours. Thought of as being restrained and subtle but always harmonious.

MONOCHROME COLOURS ~

These colours have an absence of pigment. They are elegant colours of restrained luxury. Some think they are reticent colours. Associated with minimal decor. The paler tones reflect light.
The example of WHITE - a colour of innocence and purity. White suggests cleanliness but it shows dirt and is more difficult to keep clean. It implies sterility from its association with hospitals. White gives an impression of enlarging a space.
The example of BLACK - a powerful colour which can be intimidating.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ if you are about to repaint the kids bedroom, ask them about the colours they'd like to live in. Look at what is already there - the flooring colours, curtains, furniture, the colours of items that will be in the room. When you get down to some final choices look at them in the natural daylight, night light and when it is raining. Colours can seem very different in different weather conditions. The final choice colour must make the occupant feel comfortable. And as many people wrote - have fun with your colour.
Cathy

"THE HABIT OF SELF-PITY" WEEK47 QUOTE 47

2011-07-19T02:58:00.000-07:00

"Last summer, on the Channel Island of Jersey, on a cliff overlooking the harbour, I came upon a worn, mossy covered bench. A century ago, when Victor Hugo was in exile, ill, persecuted by his beloved France, it was here that he climbed every evening and, gazing into the sunset, gave himself up to profound meditation, and at the end of which he would rise and, selecting a pebble of varying size - sometimes small at other times large - he would cast it, with satisfaction, into the water beneath. This behavior did not escape the notice of some children who played near-by, and one evening a little girl, bolder than the rest, pushed forward.
"Monsieur Hugo, why do you come here to throw these stones?"
The great writer was silent; then he smiled gravely.
"Not stones, my child. I am throwing self-pity into the sea."

From "DON'T BE SORRY FOR YOURSELF" A.J. Cronin.

This past week having been home seeing my family in the Blue Mountains, I've spent the gap in between talking talking talking, reading a conglomeration of 'bits'. This quote from an old book was one such bit. I find it interesting to hear how the past, even the ancient past, thought on and dealt with the things we are still struggling to handle today.
"Self-pity," is it still in existence, or is it that it has new names today? To reverse it and think of it as pity of one-self, could help.
I suffer with it, I think everyone does. May be it's due to our in-built character or because of a disappointment or expectation of a person or situation not working out in our favor, as we had hoped.
How have we become vulnerable to self-pity?
  - it's an unrecognized behavior that's become a habit for through practice
  - we have copied the habit because it's lived out in our family
  - we suffer from a glum perspective on life
  - because of our overly high expectations on ourself
  - its our response having experienced repeated 'raw deals' through life
  - because of an unforeseen let down, betrayal or dumping by someone close
  - due to our under developed skill to get a bigger picture on the situation
  - we have a belief that our view, method, plan WAS the best and deliberately was ignored
  - we are agro, that even by using clever pressure, we didn't get what we wanted
With children, self-pity is due to their immaturity to handle their own character failings or control their temper or other negative behaviors.
Sometimes with children and adults there is an agenda in our self-pity - to put pressure on another to give way, 'change their mind' .... and we may even succeed. The practice however can not be depended on to get that result, because it doesn't always work, and we just go on moving toward an automatic uncontrolled habit of self-pity.
In families like mine, the things that cause adults and kids alike to spiral down into a bout of self-pity, are often simply pathetic ~
* "Everyone always eats up the best breakfast cereals first and leaves me the rubbish"
* " I'm the only one round here who puts the empty toilet roll in the bin, AND gets out a new roll!"
* "It's no use me playing soccer/tennis ..... I'm hopeless. I can't control the ball ...."
* " The coach never spends anytime with me, he's only interested in the good players."
* " He's happy to play when his friends aren't around, but as soon as they arrive he doesn't want to know
   me."
"So many of us, despite our many advantages, have developed to an inordinate degree the capacity for being sorry for ourselves. We are forever alert to find cause for personal grievance in the ..... small things and the great - a late train, the threat of nuclear annihilation ...... we dwell on the difficulties and dangers ..... of modern life."
We often expect that others around us should simply cope with it when we are in the zone of self-pity. But it is a wild expectation. No one finds it attractive to live and watch it. It brings a shut out to relationships and gives nothing positive to the self-pityer.
One writer says, "On it would go, until I felt beaten down mentally and physically and she, at the end, diffused an intolerable sense of the misery of being alive. In truth, she had little to complain of, but by brooding on her troubles, real or imaginary, she had magnified them out of all proportion to their importance, and simply could not escape from them."
"Doubt and fear, the great enemies of human advancement, are born in the darkness of self-pity, and if we yield to them we thwart ourselves at every step ..... (we need to get out thoughts) away from ourselves."
The ancient writer Seneca said, "In thoughts of self-commisseration, a man will discover no advantage but will rather incline towards deterioration and softening of himself, and with this there will come upon him a growing indifference to his fellow man."
Seneca seems to be saying the essence of self-pity is selfishness, and that sorrow for self, prevents and blocks an adult or a child from ever feeling and knowing true sorrow for others.
An ancient Greek saying is, "As a man thinketh, so is he."
Another person said, "Our thoughts have the power to make or unmake us."
Recognizing self-pity in ourself and helping our children to recognize it in themselves, is a start.
So, how can we as adults and how can we show our children, a way, away from self-pity?
IDEAS YOU COULD PRACTICE TO REORIENTATE YOURSELF/KIDS SELF VIEW~
1. You could read together stories and biographies of people through history who have lived well through terror, challenges and disappointment. "Consider how countless unknown, ordinary people have overcome illness, hardships, continuous pain and lived their lives cheerfully, successfully, in an unsung epic of uncomplaining heroism." I have always been stunned by the life story of Helen Keller and her teacher Annie Sullivan.
2. You could watch movies as a family - "The Pursuit of Happyness" and "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader". The first is an amazing life story of hardship where the option of self-pity was not considered. The second movie has a character who chooses self-pity, lives with its consequences through which he is changed for the better.
3. Because self-pity is a habit, you can us Charlotte Mason's method of changing habits. A run down of her method is - (a) Talk with your child about a future which could be theirs where self-pity controls their life. Give specific examples using the situations they now resort to self-pity in, speaking of how life for them would feel and affect others around them. The aim is to convince them they want to work at change now. (b) Then get them to identify what regular situations in their life result in them turning to self-pity. (c) Offer help in a specific way - a plan of action to help them choose to not spiral down into self-pity. Charlotte Mason says it's like a wheel caught in an old rut and it keeps travelling along, gouging a deeper, harder to get-out of track. What is needed is that the wheel be lifted out and put on a new track - a new habit started with assistance to maintain it and develop it.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ the habit of self-pity CAN be changed. The practice of it is optional. We can choose to practice self-pity or not. Our children can be taught how to change.

Cathy

THE MYSTICAL CONNECTION OF THE VERY OLD AND THE VERY YOUNG. WEEK 46 QUOTE 46

2011-07-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

"Over the next few months, the district established a preschool and kindergarten classroom in the very heart of Grace Living Center Retirement Home. Surrounded by clear glass walls (with a gap at the top to allow the sounds of the children to filter out), the classroom sits in the foyer of the main building. The children and their teachers go to school there every day as though it were any other classroom. Because it's in the foyer, the residents walk past it at least three times a day to get to their meals.
As soon as the class opened, many of the residents stopped to look through the glass walls at what was going on. The teachers told them that the children were learning to read. One by one, several residents asked if they could help. The teachers were glad to have the assistance, and they quickly set up a program called Book Buddies. The program pairs a member of the retirement home with one of the children. The adults listen to the children read, and they read to them.
The program has had some remarkable results. One is that the majority of the children at the Grace Living Centre are outperforming other children in the district on the state's standardized reading tests.... But the children are learning much more than how to read. As they sit with their book buddies, the kids have rich conversations with the adults about a wide variety of subjects, and especially about the elders' memories of their childhoods growing up in Oklahoma. The children ask things about how big iPods were when the adults were growing up, and the adults explain that their lives really weren't like the lives that kids have now. This leads to stories about how they lived and played seventy, eighty or even ninety years ago. The children are getting a wonderful textured social history of their hometowns from people who have seen the town evolve over the decades. Parents are so pleased with this extracurricular benefit that a lottery is now required because the demand for the sixty available desks is so strong.
Something else has been going on at the Grace Living Center. though: medication levels there are plummeting. Many of the residents on the program have stopped or cut back on their drugs.
Why is this happening? Because the adult participants in the program have come back to life...... they have a reason to get up in the morning and a renewed excitement about what the day might bring. Because they are reconnecting with their creative energies, they are literally living longer....
In a way the Grace Living Center has restored an ancient, traditional relationship between the generations. The very young and the very old have always had an almost mystical connection. they seem to understand each other in a fundamental, often unspoken way. Our practice in the West is often to keep these generations apart. The Book Buddies program shows in a simple yet profound way the enrichment possible when generations come together. It shows too that the elderly can revive long-lost energies if the circumstances are right and the inspiration is there."
"THE ELEMENT": Ken Robinson page 204 - 206.

When you find a great book it's like finding a close friend. Each time you read, it is like a conversation that builds a closer friendship. Here is a great book ~ Sir Ken Robinson's "The Element". I quoted from this book last year, Week 8 Quote 8

The partnership between the Jenks Primary School and the Grace Living Center Retirement Home began in 1998. It worked because the retirement village "works to eliminate loneliness, helplessness and boredom in aging populations;". The objectives of the school's curriculum "...is to make learning as engaging and purposeful as we can, focusing on integrating content with real-life ties."
"Elders", if they wish, are part of the whole school day - they can watch the children as they play or go out into the playground themselves. But it is the capacity as "book buddies" or mentors, that the seniors get to know and become known by these 5 year old children. These relationships, like grandma/grandpa with grandchildren, continues to develop as they work together in craft, science, drama and other curriculum subjects.
Teachers in the school say that children in this program are learning values such as compassion, responsibility and perseverance, respect, self-discipline, tolerance, acceptance of physical differences, good listening skills, through living each day in the company of the elders.
"Rich social and emotional learning comes as a response to the environment .... kids observe greeting and touching .... they visit residents in their room, learning to knock and asking permission to enter .... death is dealt with head on."
There is also the "weekly ice cream social" - casual chats between the two generations where natural relationships are in process.
Other documented benefits for the children, are that they discover seniors, despite their physical limitations, have extensive knowledge, motivation, abilities and engaging personalities. So respect and value for elders is acquired by the children from these known experiences, rather than from a series of lessons taught to them.
The benefits for the Elders, includes, an increased understanding of the challenges faced by children, improvement of their self-esteem and self-perception, feeling they are making a contribution to society through being a role model for the children. The program decreases the incidence of seniors isolation or solitary behavior, and increases memory function.
One senior, Laurie Chilcote, said, involvement in intergenerational education had turned his life around. "It's the opposite of a thread you pull and the sweeter comes unravelled. You pull on this thread, and you find yourself connected"
One could read all this and credit the total success in the lives of the two generations, to the program itself. But researchers, teachers and parents in many other similar projects throughout the world, have all pronounced that the success comes from the combining of these two age groups.
So, what is this mystical connection between children and elders? Testing has proven that seniors were more patient listeners than middle-aged adults or young adults, and were relationship orientated in their dealings with children. Is it that elders have more available time to be able to give to children, listen to children? Or are they at a point in life where looking back to their own childhood with its positives and lacks, they wish to support and encourage a new generation in its infancy?
"A child needs a grandparent, anybody's grandparent, to grow a little more securely in an unfamiliar world." Charles and Ann Morse.
"What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And most importantly, cookies." Rudolph Giulliani.
"Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day, and now the day was complete." Marcy De Maree.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ do your kids have grandparents or seniors involved in their lives in a vital way? Do you see that mystical connection between them, that brings happiness, depth and fulfillment into the lives of both? If not, would it be something you could 'work-on' for your children's sake?
Cathy

PARENTING ON A LOW INCOME WEEK 45 QUOTE 45

2011-07-01T04:47:00.000-07:00

This is the sixth and final post in the series "PARENTS LIVING UNDER DIFFICULTIES".

"Five years ago our family decided to check out what it would be like to live in Indonesia. We arrived with 2 big bags, 2 little girls (6months and 2years), and a desire to learn and grow. We started out with an Indonesian family. At least 10 of us shared a squat toilet and a kitchen with a dirt floor. It was slowly being tiled as they had money! We still have a squat toilet, but now have 3 girls (8months, 5years and 7years) and a house to ourselves with a lovely tiled kitchen floor!
While our initial savings to get us through our trial year have dried up, money continues to come in at varying rates for things like visas and Indonesian schooling.
The fact that we eat meat and fruit most days - or at least could - means we are generally considered rich here. My girls sometimes try to place themselves on the rich-poor scale, but it's almost impossible to do since they see what life is like for people in such a variety of situations. They come visiting with us regularly, and so they know that the lines are not so clear. It's dependent on who you are with on that particular day! Some of our friends here holiday in popular tourist destinations outside our country and drive super expensive cars. Many of our friends here have no running water in their house, so wash their clothes in the canals that function as drains, and bucket water into their houses for baths. This becomes 'normal' after a while.
I wonder if our perspective on our financial situation is very important in determining our ability to cope, or even live freely and lightly within the means we have. If everyone we know is buying another car, a bigger house, putting substantial amounts of money away for their children - then our idea of what is necessary and 'normal' is shaped by this. Maybe we need to keep exposing ourselves to people living in contexts very different to our own and make active choices in the way we mentally frame our current financial situation? If our kids have healthy food every day, have access to some form of schooling, have pencils and paper and maybe even a bike ...... then maybe we are going OK?!? Maybe they could actually be happy and fulfilled?!
After being away from Australia for a few years, our 5 year old daughter couldn't contain her amazement on a trip back. She asked whether there were any 'poor people' in Australia? Of course there are, and poverty has a range of faces, but it's inescapable here.

Having said all this, there are very genuine difficulties with a low income. Thinking about future opportunities like university for my girls sometimes makes me worried. We are not able to be putting away much money for them. If we had a medical crisis - far from the wonderful Australian welfare system, things would be very tough. Making sure that our girls don't get caught up in any stress we may have at times about money is also an issue. While they don't need to carry that as a burden, letting them in a bit at points has meant they have seen God do things we couldn't have contrived. They have seen our own stories of his kindness and gutsy involvement with us on our journey - often using unexpected people and situations.
We use far less money than we did on things like movies, music, cafes and experiences that require money. This is partly because our options are dramatically reduced living here, but also because we are not so financially able. At points this feels like a sacrifice. There is a richness to being able to experience these things. But then the longer I live here, and the more parenting experience I get, I see how easy it is for any kind of 'treat' to become expected and under-appreciated.
So much can be accessed for free on the internet now that our kids don't have to be limited or deprived of rich cultural experiences. Last week I found on the net a whole lot of resources about "Peter and the Wolf" by the Russian composer Prokofiev. My girls could listen to the music on You Tube and engage with it in a way I never could have done when I was a child.
Like anyone in any country living on a small or unreliable income, we have to ask ourselves questions about whether something is necessary before buying it. A new hair clip, or real milk if it ever happens to be there, are exciting events! We avoid regularly shopping in places where we all immediately feel discontent if we don't go home having bought something new.
Our first child was born when we were still in Australia. We were living in community and doing a small amount of relief teaching to support our voluntary youth and social work. Despite our desire not to be caught up in the hype of what 'must' be bought for a new baby, it was hard not to feel guilty for pushing her cot in the walk in wardrobe (with a small window, mind you). We don't do the decorated, fitted out baby room 'thing'. She however, thrived on lots of love from many people and the sense of being caught up in something bigger than just her.

After these last 5 years of seeing how people here in Indonesia do the baby years, I really believe almost all the hype can be ditched! Clothes come in abundance from others who have older children, breastfeeding costs nothing and there are great washable nappies/diapers now, so the costs involved in having a baby are minimal.
There are many advantages to a life with more limited resources. Engaging with people rather than things becomes a more central activity.
Exploring the world around them brings children alive in ways money can't buy. We all know this whether we have lots of money or a little!
I hope that in the future if our financial circumstances change, we don't forget how to pursue these fundamental things - that we don't consciously or unconsciously shut ourselves off in our home, our own family, with all our 'stuff', and lose what is so precious about this sometimes unpredictable 'messy' life we lead now!

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ spend some time asking yourself and watching your kids to see if the desire for things at your house, or your hold on 'stuff' is too tight?
Our attitude to possessions is passed on to our kids. Are you happy with the perspective you are currently living and giving your children, on the place of money, possessions and wealth ownership? Could it help your family to have a regular, clearer idea of how most people of the world live - what is 'normal' for them?
Cathy

PARENTING THROUGH EARTHQUAKES WEEK 44 QUOTE 44

2011-06-25T03:41:00.000-07:00

This post is the fifth in the series on "PARENTS LIVING UNDER DIFFICULTIES".

"The normal ebb and flow of day to day family life for Christchurch families has been challenged to some degree either directly or indirectly following the Canterbury earthquakes. Furthermore, living with ongoing predictions of future shakes to come only adds to the fragility of our anxiety and emotions.
Thankfully for us our house has remained relatively unscathed bar a few cracks in the interior roof (which have since been repaired) and a few wobbly floor piles. We are so grateful our family has remained safe, warm and dry, with only power and water supply cut for several days during repairs of unstable power lines down the road.
However, what does not remain unscathed is our emotional wellbeing. Like every other Cantabrian, we all feel a sense of vulnerability. We live day by day continually struggling to push to our sub conscience the threat of yet another statistically predicted 'big' earthquake. The daily aftershocks make a frequent unwelcome reminder, unsettling our minds, interrupting sleep, even invoking physiological responses to the stress and anxiety (for example, palpitations). People are being worn down. often with outbursts of tears and panic. It has been evident in my primary health care profession, the rise in depression and other anxiety related health problems. Each aftershock is like an emotional roller coaster between terror and relief. As I sit here and write this I have be jolted aggressively twice.
In my own home it has become evident my children are easily disturbed at night to any noise. They are overly "jumpy" to any little shaking and repeatedly express concern about our family's safety. We imagine earthquakes even when there are none!
During day-time activities environmental safety concerns are on the top of everyone's mind. We also avoid unnecessary entry to some buildings and avoid parking the car in a "fall zone" of a wall or building. Like most people, I consciously scan for signs of previous damage in any building I enter and note exits for a quick escape if needed. I also feel anxious when I work on the ambulance and are transporting patients to the city hospital because of the cities oppressive feeling and appearance of a demolition site. In contrast I sense a relief when I am back in the safety of the open country road. The fears may or may not be rational, but rational thinking has no place with the surprise and suddenness of earthquakes.
As a family we are also now more diligent about knowing the activities and whereabouts of each other during the day. This is hoped to potentially reduce unnecessary worry should communication networks fail again. I am aware of an increasing separation anxiety during the day when aftershocks occur. Everyone values the security of human company at all times. Many people are developing phobias about being alone, particularly the elderly. In a strange way I am thankful my husband's office is inaccessible (in the "Red Zone") which has forced him to work at home indefinitely. The family all feel he is much safer not venturing into the city.
The earthquakes impact on our daily life in many ways. Like many families we are generally more content to stay in our own geographical area rather than venture to the city centre for leisure activities or shopping. We choose to avoid busy built up areas and Christchurch city has lost its central hub and aesthetic attraction and therefore has little appeal.
Thankfully our local town has street entry shops that are single level and easy to run out from. The one time we went to the local movie theatre, it was surprising how vulnerable I felt, making the experience less enjoyable. Sport activities have been interrupted due to damage to fields.Everyday in so many ways we are reminded by the flow on damage effects.
I feel people have a renewed sense of appreciation for quality family time and simple activities at home. There is a resurgence of home hospitality as an expression of valued friendships and giving support. Times like this strengthen our sense of community and sharing.
Our children are living through a remarkable time in history. One they will share in stories for the remainder of their lives. They are alert and knowledgeable about the cause and effects of earthquakes both geographically and how it affects society. They also appreciate how imperative it is to have a safety plan and be prepared with a disaster kit. Like us they are careful to go to bed each night with clothing and footwear ready to grab in case we need to run outside in the cold frosty Canterbury air. We routinely check torches have charged batteries, gas bottles are full, water is stored in the freezer and canned food and matches are available. One thing we did discover was our dependence on power for the TV and internet broadcasts in emergencies. A battery radio may be a valuable asset to acquire.
On reflection the days immediately following the first and second earthquakes were special family bonding times. In some ways it was like a wake, with an air of sobriety filling the house. It was a time where we were inherently aware of our appreciation of one another. Sharing memories of the past.
It was a time to forget trivial day to day irritations and focus on being an integral member of the family team, pulling together to cook, bake and collect water for people in need that we then delivered to the "Earthquake Express Helicopter" to be delivered to the worst hit locations.
We also had the privilege to serve others by accommodating out of town trades people (welders) who had the task of fixing the fuel pipeline from Littleton to the city over the Port Hills. Very little accommodation with water, power and septic services were available. The long drive between Littleton and Rangiore after each long day of hard labour on steep hills was welcomed by a warm bed, hot shower, hot meal, packed lunches and TV. A luxury many others did not have.
These earthquakes are a sobering experience for each Cantabrian. A time when our existence is threatened day by day by the earth we stand on as it shakes repeatedly. To some it is the loss of monetary assets they have spent years accumulating and cherishing as a form of security and personal self worth. Others have lost loved ones and have been forced into inexplicable grief. Everyone, even those not directly affected by tragedy and loss seem to be reflecting their spiritual beliefs or where they are situated on their spiritual journey and purpose in life.
I think there is a need to remain philosophical about life. It is futile to worry about aspects of our future we cannot control. We need to live each day with hope and prayerful anticipation that this period of earthquakes will settle soon and that the whole experience has challenged us to realign our priorities with values and principles that support our spiritual belief and social connectedness."

PARENTING IN A SLUM WEEK 43 QUOTE 43

2011-06-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

This is the FOURTH in the series of posts called "PARENTS LIVING UNDER DIFFICULTIES".

"Our family falls into the probably rather small category of Westerners parenting in slums. We are living outside of our home culture in a rapidly developing country with a high rate of poverty. We find ourselves living in a two-room 'house' with our three small children, aged 7, 4 and 2, intent on an experiment of identification with our poor neighbours. This probably sounds like lunacy to some, or a recipe for disaster; yet we made the choice to come and do this with our children because we want to live out our beliefs, and engage with a part of society too easily relegated to the side-lines.
Poverty is everyone's issue. For those of us who live in wealthier nations with social welfare benefits for all, it is easy not to engage. We too easily forget that the poor in other nations are our poor - the people making our clothes, shoes and electronic goods. We believe that there is a need to be advocates for justice and peace in the midst of this situation; hence we came to live and learn amongst poor friends.
Parenting in a situation like this is far from easy, though I would wager that parenting small (and big) children is a challenge at any time and in any place. For us, we find the challenges and difficulties of parenting are multiplied here, as we lack many 'essentials' that parents in our home country have access to. Shaped as we are by our home culture, there are aspects of child-rearing here that we dislike and choose to avoid; yes, this makes it harder for us in some ways, but it is also healthy to stick to your ideals sometimes. For example, we choose not to have a television (great baby-sitter that it is) because we want our children to grow up learning to play creatively and make their own fun.
Our three boys are highly energetic lads, and move from one activity to the next with gusto, accompanied by plenty of noise and chaos. With three like these, the ideal location to live would be a farm somewhere - with endless opportunities for exploration and play. Instead, our neighbourhood is a barren, dusty wasteland; and play is limited by security concerns and a lack of facilities.

Everything here is dusty and grey; you can forget grass to roll about on or trees to climb. There are no public parks or libraries, swimming pools or beaches. It is hard to offer children good opportunities for normal healthy development. And when everyone feels a bit house-bound and in need of a change of scenery, there is no-where else to go. We often need to creatively separate the three children so they can have some time and space to themselves - even building a little fort outside so that they can have their own 'place'.
We've had to let go of some parenting methods that worked back home, and look for solutions to the parenting struggles that result from our new situation (these include a lack of privacy, negative influences from outside, limited space, few opportunities for development etc.). Children here usually go to bed at 10pm or later which is stressful for parents. Strategies like time-out don't work well when there are no quiet places for children to retreat to. Other strategies continue to work well, for example, motivating and rewarding children by giving them small privileges, e.g. who gets to check the hen-house for eggs or extra reading time at night. Without that wonderful helper SPACE, one needs to use a lot of psychology and encouragement to keep the children happy and compliant.

Most parents want the best for their children - a good education, a healthy and happy upbringing, a united family etc. The parents in our poor community are exactly the same. They too have many hopes and dreams for their little ones. For many, these dreams will die to the reality of poverty; others will fight hard and hopefully achieve their vision of a better life for the generations to come. However, one healthy aspect of parenting here is the lack of competition which is so prevalent among parents in the West. One often encounters mothers and fathers who live vicariously off their children's achievements, or find their worth and pride in the successes of their sons and daughters. Back home, expectations are high and there is often a lot of pressure put on children to succeed and 'do their parents proud'. Life here is a lot more relaxed and easy-going. There are not endless practices and extra-curricular activities to attend - children spend more time being children and not running on the treadmill of success. I like this.

I hope that, in the future when we look back on our time here, we can celebrate the opportunities we had to spend time together as a family, the slowness of life and the many hours of simple play. That we look back with fondness to the many friends we made here and the way we were invited into people's lives despite our differences. And hopefully, we all will have been changed .... hopefully our children will grow with greater maturity and grace, aware of the gross differences that exist in the world, and empowered through their experiences here to be advocates for justice and peace."

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ you have probably been made aware of all your SPACE, freedoms and choices along with your possessions that, like mine, have been taken for granted for the last while. This is somewhere to start this week with your kids - to find and see the privileges we live in. Next step would be to put this into the context for your kids that the majority of the world don't live in this way. The experience of the above Western children living in the slum, will give them some knowledge of its reality, but how about your kids and my kids? Is this an area you need to consider more in how you parent?
Cathy

PARENTING TOGETHER AND AT TIMES AT A DISTANCE" WEEK 42 QUOTE 42

2011-06-11T01:46:00.000-07:00

This is the THIRD part in a series called PARENTS LIVING UNDER DIFFICULTIES.

"My occupation as an international pilot, means that at times I have to parent from a distance.
It is very important to me to maintain a normal, healthy Family environment for all of us. Some months I have less than half the normal parenting time in New Zealand to achieve this, so the need to spend time together as a Family can prove to be difficult.
For my wife it can feel like being a solo parent and this naturally develops independence. This needs to be managed carefully by me when I am home, as it is easy to arrive home and effectively upset the normal day-to-day routine from my wife's perspective. We almost have to plan time, so that the two of us can spend time together to just talk and catch up in general.
It is difficult but important for me to ensure I am in touch with the children on a daily basis, to ask them how their day was and what they have learned at school. It is easier to stay in contact with my wife at any time of the day but this can prove to be difficult in general with large time zone changes between countries and it can mean I may not talk to them for a few days.
From a parenting together perspective it is important to both be on the same page in terms of the Family plan.... This requires a 'hand over' as such, so I am up to speed with the children and their needs. This is not that easy to achieve as it is more important for me, being away, than it is for my wife. She is already aware of any day-to-day issues of course but it is important for me to find out what is going on and what is planned for the next period that I am home.
Although I can be away quite a bit an advantage of this lifestyle is that I can spend a whole week or more, 24 hours a day, with my Family between trips. I would spend far more time with my Family in that week than almost any other parent I know who is working.
Living up here in the country has been an enjoyable move for us as a Family compared to our Latte drinking days in the Eastern suburbs. Parents living their lives for themselves and not for the children.... caught up in the 'keeping up with the Jones' scenario.
I appear to be old fashioned compared to some of my peers in terms of things like ~
   * I usually ensure we sit down together a Family for dinner at any opportunity, even though
   the girls are very young.
   * I usually encourage the girls to play by the fire to do puzzles and read at their age to avoid
   excessive television.
   * We talk to our children constantly about how important manners are and the importance of
   treating other people with respect especially people who are older than themselves.
I think the biggest cause of families not coping is the lack of communication. People are forgetting to talk about their day-to-day issues, marriage issues, children and financial issues. They struggle to deal with the backlog of perceived problems as they arise because they are constantly avoiding them, and either haven't been brought up with strong values or they do not have the skills, support or inclination to work their way through these things.
Taking some pride in what you do and who you are, would go a long way. I don't have the answers but I do have the awareness of the way Society is and its downsides. Helping people identify their own issues and problems is a good start. And when they have the tools and start communicating they will go a long way, if not get there!!"

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ a timely reminder is presented here for us all to make the most of our times together as Families - our need to identify, plan and put into practice routines and habits which 'glue' us together more as a Family. What that means in your Family is probably different to what it will be in mine. This week ask your Family for ideas on how they would like to to spend more time together enjoying being a Family.
Cathy

PARENTING A SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD WEEK 41 QUOTE 41

2011-06-02T03:07:00.000-07:00

"Doing nothing for others is the undoing of one's self.
We must be purposely kind and generous or we miss the best part of life's existence.
The heart that goes out of itself gets large and full of joy.
We do ourselves most good by doing something for others."
Horace Mam (1796 - 1859) American educator, writer and politician.

The author this week chose this quote and prefers to stay anonymous.

This is the second post in the series "PARENTS LIVING UNDER DIFFICULTIES".

PART 2 ~ Parenting a Special Needs Child

"After we had our special needs child I found an article about a person who was interested in the culture of France, in particular in Paris and the French language. It was a dream for this person to travel to Paris and the preparation for the trip took many years. Finally one day he could go. But by mistake he hopped on the wrong train. He went to Venice and he only realized the mistake on arrival. He looked for the things he had read about that were in Paris, but they weren't there.
It is like this for parents who give birth to a special needs child - they end up in Venice instead of Paris.
With a special needs child everyday doings are hard and I often don't know what to do. People give me different directions and advice, often not understanding what I'm going through. I experience this a lot. But then I think even though I am not in Paris, Venice is still a very beautiful place.
A special needs child still goes through the same development as a normal child and there are still joys and challenges along the way. Parents of special needs children need to change their mindset from Paris to Venice, then the difficulties are not overwhelming and in time you find you get better and better in what you are doing.
For me as long as I have had a special needs child in our family, I feel that she has been a blessing, like all healthy children are to their families. A special needs child creates lots of learning opportunities for everyone in the family. Some people think I must be dissatisfied I have a special needs child in my family, but I am not. A parent with a special needs child must change their mindset to see it is an advantage to have this child who has special needs.
I like to think of it as being like when someone learns to play the flute, where you only need to read one line of music to play. However if you learn to play the piano you need to learn to read two lines of music at the same time. This is like the family with the special needs child. The special needs child is less independent, requires prolonged physical care, makes others in the family have to learn to be patient - everyone in the family lives with the difficulties a special needs child brings into the family. It is hard to live with it. It is hard to learn to play the piano with two hands at once, but with lots of practice it can be done successfully. To live at home with a special needs child, the rest of the family is given training and lots of practice, so when they go to work or school each day the troubles they find there can be handled. The training at home has equipped them to handle more.
I have had to change my thinking. I refuse to be negative about our special needs child because it can affect the attitude of my family, making them negative towards her.

Three suggestions for people in a similar position as us ~
1. Educate yourself about your child's area of special need. Get all the help you can to understand them.
2. Find something that recharges you - so you can keep going because it's a long journey. For each person it will be different things - maybe nature, looking after a garden, reading books, exercising - anything. Once you know the thing that will recharge you, work out different ways to do it. Say you love nature but you can't get out of the house - look out the window and study the clouds for a few minutes. You need to train yourself because the job of caring for the family is overwhelming! If you let your busy life be only filled with doing the job, you will end up being depressed. Keep yourself in good shape.
3. Surround yourself with people who are positive and supportive. You could have different reactions from people towards you and towards your child. Some people because they don't know enough about special needs children, withdraw. It doesn't mean they don't care about you, they just don't know what to do. Other people may have their own issues in their own lives. It is said that 80% of people's problems is to do with how people feel about themselves.
So we need to stay close to positive and supportive people to help us do our job.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ you probably like me have been challenged in your parenting. The quote at the beginning has a message which is rarely in my mind - how about yours? But if I pursued those thoughts I know I would parent differently, better. How about you? Some food for thought for this week.
Cathy

PARENTS LIVING UNDER DIFFICULTIES ~ PART 1-"BEING THE MAIN PARENT" WEEK 40 QUOTE 40

2011-05-26T02:20:00.000-07:00

This is the first post in a series on "PARENTS LIVING UNDER DIFFICULTIES"
Part 1 ~ "Being the Main Parent".
The parent author of this post wishes to stay anonymous.

"We have one beautiful child. We planned to have him and we were ready in our marriage to take the big leap into parenthood. We spoke excitedly about parenting ideas, names and the challenges that lay ahead, but I didn't foresee the biggest challenge of them all. As the due date got closer my partner's mental health issues began to worsen. We thought we had it under control, but by the time our beautiful boy was three months old the illness was raging seemingly out of control. And so reluctantly I became the main parent, and in time, the only parent living in the house.
Initially the hardest bit about parenting solo was that I had never thought that through. I hadn't thought about how to take care of myself when I had a child all the time without anyone to 'tag team' with. Then the bitterness set in. I was angry with my partner for being sick and not able to live up to our expectations of parenthood, that I was almost unable to engage with our son because I had difficulty controlling my own emotions.
Time ticked on. I swallowed my pride and sense of independence and started asking for help....and more importantly accepting it. This is my most important lesson - allowing others to be part of my life and to help. I found this particularly hard because our family don't live very close and on both sides our parents are still working, and so unable to offer regular time to have our son. Thus, my main help came from non-family members.
The crisis point of the illness has passed, yet I continue to be the main parent. The ongoing nature of being the solo parent is exhausting. I survive by finding people who I can talk through parenting issues with. I thrive when I talk with my trustworthy friends and vent about the overwhelming sense of responsibility and the feeling that I am never able to fully rest, that I'm always 'on the clock'. I thrive when I take time out for me, to read, garden, engage intellectually with the world around me and generally take care of the person God made me to be. I thrive when I remember that I need to have different expectations of myself as a parent in this circumstance, and be forgiving and patient with me.
There are many challenges in parenting in general, but there are a few that I think are specific to situations like mine - I'll list just a few.
  * Making decisions about my son without someone who is equally invested.
  * Helping my son understand what is happening with my partner.
  * Staying positive to our son about my partner.
  * Accepting help - so humbling and hard at times.
  * Including my partner in discussions about parenting and how to take on board my partner's
   suggestions about our child, whilst knowing that it's up to me to implement them and to
   enforce them.
  * The challenge of the irregular nature of my partner's involvement.
  * My son does find it hard to rely on my partner, to know when he will see this parent and how
   much is expected when they are around. That gives me so much sadness.
  * Socially it can be hard because I'm mum and dad filler....and there are lots of events that
   expect a certain gendered parent to be involved in certain activities (I find it best with this one
   to jump in gung-ho as if I didn't notice.)

There is, however great gains in being the main parent also. Consistency is easier because it's just me. Planning events - I can selfishly choose the things I like most. Special time with our son - I love getting so much special time with him while he is young. I love that he snuggles with me, seeks me out and that we know each other so well.

When and if my days of being the main parent end, I will have learnt a lot of things, in particular, how to give myself time so that I can take care of my son and do the best job possible, which is what I want to do. I have also been made aware of the different strengths that others can bring to our child, and the joy that both he and they receive from sharing life together. I have realised that a child does need a whole community of people around them, regardless of their home situation, and that finding safe, kind people to fill his life with is a blessing for all of us.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ if you have a friend in a similar situation, you could offer to "borrow" their child for the day or take your friend and child out for a fun day away from home so both can have an exciting, exhilarating and stimulating or relaxing and refreshing break. You will probably all have such a happy time that it'll become a regular get together.
Cathy

HOW A PARENT'S LIFE INSPIRES THEIR CHILD'S LIFE WEEK 39 QUOTE 39

2011-05-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

"Waiting for my dear friend, I thought about how my experiences had given me a stronger sense of myself. I had been gradually stripping away the extraneous things that I'd pinned to my life in Melbourne - all the unthinking routines and urban distractions. I was surprised by what was revealed underneath. Knowing what really mattered to me inspired a confidence I'd never felt before. I thought about how our children had become far more confident, too. I had such admiration for their diligence and perseverance in overcoming the frustrations of learning a new language to make new friends. To see a child branch out in a strange new world, despite the obvious constraints of language and culture, is the stuff that makes a parent's heart sing. I reflected that at Bosgouet each of us had found a new incarnation, a little bit of ourselves that we would not have known existed if we hadn't taken this opportunity."

Jane Webster : "AT MT FRENCH TABLE" page 220.

The book "At My French Table", is a feast for the eyes with its photography, a feast for the stomach with its gastronomical delights described and shared through recipes, and a feast of thoughts to meuse on. The author, Jane Webster, takes her family from a yuppy Melbourne suburban lifestyle to a culture and history rich rural existence in Normandy, France, filled with continual new challenges.

In Normandy, Jane discovered and admitted the things she had "pinned" to her life to be "extraneous", "unthinking routines and urban distractions." Life often happens to us, opportunities present themselves and we are taken along before we have chosen to be committed. Do you think on your lifestyle choices regularly? It's healthy to do so. I find our annual two weeks basic camping in a farmer's paddock with four beaches minutes away, to be the ideal atmosphere to both recharge and rethink lifestyle.

Life for Jane in Normandy, with its tough challenges had "inspired a confidence I'd never felt before", said Jane. That's great, but something better was to come ~ Jane's new-found confidence had influenced her children in their "confidence", "diligence and perseverance in overcoming the frustration of learning a new language to make new friends .... branch out in a strange new world..."

In a discussion the other night with a group of friends we talked about how parents lives influence their children's lives. Charlotte Mason's writings on the subject got us started. She showed us a process.

Firstly, one is "struck by an idea". In Jane's case, smitten with French cuisine and culture and her personal love for cooking, she was struck by the French "reverential" treatment of food. She says, it "made me feel as if I'd come home." Here was the idea, the attraction, the "something that had lain so deep in me for so long." ~ French-style cooking.

Charlotte's second step is "intention", acquiring more knowledge about the idea. This began for Jane on her return to Melbourne after her honeymoon in France in 1990. She busied herself studying French cookery under a multitude of chefs, and trialled her cooking skills on friends. This led to her resigning from her teaching job and opening a small cafe. The intention part of the process isn't always as clear as it was for Jane, but as Charlotte Mason says, "it is strong enough to move one to action; to find the things and get the knowledge". This gathering of knowledge and experience develops and affects the thoughts, opinions and behavior of a person.

The third stage is "purpose" or conviction to keep at it, "embracing the idea". In Jane's life the years passed, four children were born into the Webster family and all the while the passion for the next trip to France preoccupied Jane. Then her "eureke moment; I could run culinary tours combined with hands-on cooking classes". What an idea. As she talked to her husband Pete and each of her children, the plan met with positive responses.

The fourth and final phase is "resolution". The difficulties to achieve the goal and purpose are faced and as each is solved ones resolution to keep-at-it is strengthened. Jane's determination brought her confidence which influenced the growing confidence in her children's lives. Charlotte Mason describes it as "there is a certain largeness in (Jane's) opinions and in (her) conduct of life. (She) has an uplifting effect on (her children). (She) helps them to see matters from other than their personal ... standpoint ... carrying with them the spacious thoughts, the impersonal aims, they got from their (mother)... the stages of purpose and resolution ... were there, because the fruit of that first seed-thougt perfected itself in (her) life, and it continued to bear in the lives of (her children)." Seeing the "first" in her children's lives, Jane described it as "the stuff that makes a parent's heart sing."

Jane Webster ~ the stuff that makes a parent's heart sing.

The second post I wrote was on the topic Parents Have the Biggest Influence on Their Children. You may like to read it and be encouraged.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ start by spending some time thinking about your lifestyle. Is it clogged and cluttered? You don't need to travel to another country, as Jane Webster did, to change things. Begin by pursuing any thought or idea you had as you read Jane's story. You possibly already have an idea you've been "struck by". Follow that idea using the clues to develop it into action that Charlotte Mason gave. You're on the way to becoming an inspirational example for your children and sharing the pleasure Jane speaks of "that makes a parent's heart sing."

Cathy

GIVE ME MORE ON BREASTFEEDING WEEK 38 QUOTE 38

2011-05-14T03:25:00.000-07:00

"And yes, while it might not start out feeling very natural, with time, for most mothers, it becomes beautiful. Although perseverance can seem an anomaly in this fast-paced world, you'll never hear a woman still breastfeeding past six months complain about how hard it is."
Megan Nicol Reed : "The Agony and the Ecstasy". Sunday Star-Times April 3 2011.

As the quote above from Megan Nicol Reed, says, starting breastfeeding with your newborn baby, is a wonder and art.

This is the fourth and final part in the series on Breastfeeding, and I return to sharing Margaret McGlashan's knowledge with you.

6. Give us a simple run-down on how a mum should prepares herself before the birth if she wants to breastfeed her baby.
Mums need a good diet - good food and good drink.
Both mum and baby do best if mum has a good mindset in preparation for a natural delivery. Before your baby arrives get your house organized and in order then you will be able to give attention to your baby.
Don't fall into the trap of doing too much intellectual planning and preparation for the birth, this only leads to you 'labouring intellectually' or as the book says. Mums approaching birth in this manner don't have the success, freedom, confidence or satisfaction that mothers have who turn into the situation, following their instincts - the lead or cues their own body gives.
Being able to breastfeed is one of the natural functions of a mother's body
   ~ her body is able to conceive the baby on its own
   ~ her body is able to 'grow' the baby on its own
   ~ her body is able to birth the baby on its own
   ~ her body is able to feed the baby on its own.

7. Can you talk us through how you teach mums to breastfeed, from the start?
At a good birth once your baby is born, it will be put onto your chest or abdomen - this is called skin-to-skin and this close contact helps your baby adjust to its new life outside you. Staying skin-to-skin, even up to two hours, is good for giving warmth to the baby and reassuring them you are close.
In the first 3 - 4 minutes after birth the hormone oxytocin is released within the mother's body. This is a natural process that the body performs. Oxytocin helps the placenta to separate and triggers a mum's breast milk to come in over the following days. For this hormone to be successfully released in this small window of time, there needs to be quietness as the baby births and over the following minutes until the placenta is also birthed. Birth is not over until the placenta is born. Noise, along with with drug induced births, suppress the release of oxytocin. These two factors are contributors to postnatal depression in mothers. (Possibly more in a later post).
To understand the importance of quietness at the time of birth I want you to think of when you are in the moment of intimate sex with your partner. If someone suddenly rushes into the room, phone bleeping, asking if you want takeaways, your sexual experience is ruined. This is the effect of noise, conversations, mobiles bleeping... in the birthing room - it interrupts the moment and shuts down oxytocin release. As parents, medical professionals or friends, we are present at the birth to support the mum and the baby, not to direct them. So, allow nature to do its 'thing'.
From the skin-to-skin position, babies often wriggle around to latch themselves onto the breast, instinctively. If the birth has been natural, the baby with inbuilt alertness, will find your nipple and position itself and latch on to the breast correctly.
If you are not sure if you are 'doing it right', this is what you looking for
   ~ baby's chest is against your chest
   ~ their ear, shoulder and hip are in a straight line
   ~ your baby's chin should be under your breast, his nose will be free to breath above the nipple
   or if baby is in a position as in the photo, their chin will be on the right of your breast and
   their nose will be on the left.
   ~ then their mouth will open with their lips flanged back.
   ~ pop your nipple into the open mouth if needed
   ~ if your baby has correctly latched on there will be no areola showing below baby's bottom lip
   ~ your nipple should go right to the back of your baby's mouth - this is called a deep latch
   ~ when first latched on the baby will make several rapid sucks, then settle down to a regular
   rhythm of suck, swallow, breathe, suck, swallow, breathe
   ~ the baby's lower jaw makes big movements right up to their ear and this makes the baby
   appear to have a 'double chin'
   ~ let the baby feed as long as they want as this keeps your breasts drained as well as
   establishing you milk supply and satisfying the baby's hunger.
   ~ in the first few days 'cluster feeds' are normal - possibly 10 - 12 daily. This is not spoiling the
   baby. Relax and enjoy your baby, allowing unlimited access to feed
   ~ you will know your baby is receiving enough milk if -
   # they are alert, bright-eyed, active and contented.
   # they have a moist mouth.
   # they have soaking wet nappies and regular bowl motions.
   # they are growing and gaining weight each month.

8. What things have you found discourage mothers from breastfeeding?
Well, I have rarely had a bottle-feeding mum.
Some mums who want to return to work think they don't have time to breastfeed, but a breastfeeding specialist can help them with this, or a group such as the La Leche League.
Mothers who have bad health or bad eating habits can have trouble breastfeeding.
Mums can be pressured to stop breastfeeding by their peers who may not be mothers themselves and even a young mum's own mother can discourage her from starting or continuing to breastfeed.
Occasionally a mother may not have breast tissue to breastfeed, or she may have inverted nipples.
A baby can be tongue tired or have tongue abnormalities. The incidents of this are increasing, but with specialist help, can be solved.

9. As a midwife, what do you think of Montana State University's findings - that breastfeeding mothers are seen by the public as less competent than bottle-feeding mothers?
I don't think this question is worth an answer. Every woman is intelligent within their own right. The fact that breastfeeding mums want to care for their baby in the best way possible, shows they are intelligent and competent. The fact is they are giving their baby perfect nutrition.

10. Do you think the solution to right this wrong attitude toward breastfeeding mums, is for more breastfeeding mums in prominent positions, to lead the way in speaking out? Or do you think there is another way?
Well, to start with it would help if there was no advertising of breast milk substitutes in the health care system, no samples given to mothers or pregnant women, or health workers.
But the best way to bring change is through television advertising, through the promotion of mums of different ethnicities, breastfeeding. This is a real way, real education which will affect the public's thinking. New Zealand TV is ahead of the UK and Australia in these areas, leading the way in its promotion, for example, of Maori mothers being encouraged to breastfeed. New Zealand has good educators and good hospital initiatives.

THANK YOU Margaret. Margaret McGlashan is a part of the team at the Helensville Birthing Unit in the outer Auckland area. This unit is one of New Zealand's top Baby Friendly Hospitals.

THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS ~ focus your mind on the fact that by breastfeeding your baby, you are giving lifetime benefits to them. Happy feeding.
Cathy

MOTHERS DAY HURRAY!!!! WEEK 37 QUOTE 37

2011-05-06T04:35:00.000-07:00

This Sunday May 8 is MOTHERS DAY.
Maybe you have been a mum for decades, like my mum who is in her seventh decade of being a mother. Or all your children could have left home and the 'mum feeling' possibly only really returns when everyone comes home for lunch - which is likely happening this Sunday. Or you may be in the middle of lots of action with children and teenagers with lots of spontaneity. Or being a mum and marking Mothers Day personally may be a new experience in your foggy, lacking-in-sleep mind as you care for your babies. And of course there's all those first time pregnant mums who absolutely are classed as mums too.
Mums of all ages ~ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here for you to read are 6 comments from women at various phases in their life as a mum.

AS A NEW MUM, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO ONCE YOUR BABY IS BORN?
"For 8 months I have learnt all about a precious little being growing inside of me, admittedly though at first, I was sure it was an alien taking over my body. Lately though, I've begun to get to know little parts of its personality, such as the way it responds with kicks and rolls when Daddy comes home, the way it gets excited when I eat its favorite food and the way it dances to its favorite music and instantly settles when audio books are played.
It's such an amazing journey to become a Mum.
What I'm looking forward to most about becoming a Mum is firstly, seeing my baby's face on the day it's born and looking into its eyes and seeing it recognize me for the very first time. I can't wait to pick out which parts it gets from me or Andrew. I already know it has it's Daddy's big feet because I feel them wedged under my ribs constantly!
Beyond B'day I can't wait to teach the baby about the value of family and introduce it to all the people who matter most in our lives. I'm so excited to see the baby's face light up with love and excitement when Andrew comes home from work. Andrew is such an amazing teacher and I'm sure I will forever be in awe at what our baby learns from him.
Mostly though, I'm looking forward to lots of laughs and spending time learning and growing together as a family. I'm sure when I look back in years to come I will be amazed at what I have learnt from my children and from becoming a Mum."
From KELLY WHOSE DUE DATE IS JUNE 8 2011.

"I am most looking forward to meeting my baby and watching his/her personality develop. I can't wait to take my baby lots of places. I want her/him to know all about New Zealand and American traditions. And of course, I can't wait to shop for those adorable baby clothes."
From JOY WHOSE DUE DATE IS IN OCTOBER 2011.

WHAT DO YOU ENJOY ABOUT BEING A MUM TO LOTS OF LITTLE CHILDREN?
"7am, two sets of footsteps come running down the hallway. I never quite know who will be in front, Ashton or Hunter. Nevertheless, they come in eager for cuddles and kisses, or a few minutes snuggle in bed. Soon, we hear Cooper summoning one of us to pick him up from his cot. He too joins us in bed for a bit of rough and tumble. At 19 months he delights in rolling around the bed, being pushed over by dad or his older brothers. He takes simple pleasure in turning the lights on and off, then on, then off. Let's not forget Tayla who is either fast asleep in our bed from her early morning feed or simply observing her brothers antics trying to make sense of the madness. Yep, this is our typical morning with our kids - there is no easing into the day, no soft music to wake up to, sleep comes to an abrupt end when my children open their eyes, and soon I have no choice but to surrender. It's morning, no more sleep for me.
However, giving up my morning lie-in is a small price to pay for all the added benefits I get from having 4 precious little ones in my life. I enjoy the endless supply of cuddles and kisses from my kiddies. I love the spontaneous 'I love you' from the mouth of my babes. I enjoy talking to them, learning what is on their mind, in their hearts. They are all unique and so different. The smile that appears when my 4 month old sees me lights up my world. Watching them learn is also a huge perk of the job, to be there when they first roll over, sit, stand, take their first steps. The look of pride on their faces when they accomplish each milestone, no doubt my face would mirror theirs at that same moment. Who could be prouder than mum when her child achieves?
I love that my children turn to me when they are excited, when they are happy, when they are sad or scared, when they just need someone to be with - they think of mum. I love being depended on, being needed and loved. I love that my children have turned my house into a home. You won't see picture perfect in my home, if you catch us on a good day you might get clean and orderly, but most often you get the lived in look, a trail of destruction as the boys work their way around the house, toys scattered behind them. Who knew cushions are not purely decorative, they make great weapons and fantastic huts. Tin openers make great helicopters to a curious being. My children fill the house with noise, with mess, with laughter, with tears, with energy and life. In doing so, they fill my heart with great memories. Memories of times spent together whether it be doing exciting things or doing nothing, going exotic places or staying right at home, being dressed up and fancy or slobbing around all day in our pajamas, having fun laughing at nothing in particular and everything. Doing life together.
What I enjoy most about being a mother is the unconditional love. Unconditional love I receive from my children, and give to my children. My children don't care if the house isn't spotless and the washing up-to-date. They are not particularly fussed if I serve them gourmet dinner or baked beans on toast. They just need to know that no matter what, mummy loves them! As for me, I love that no matter how tough, busy, stressful life gets at times, I always have 4 little ones that are ready to give and forgive, 4 little ones that love me, no matter what."
From NANCY.

WHAT ARE THE BEST PARTS OF BEING A MUM TO CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS?
"Being a child and being a teenager are two different stages in life, although at times I find I have the same conversations with both within the same week.
I love each of my kids and one of the great aspects in being a mum to children and teens is to watch the change in them as they move from childhood through the growing up years into teenagers and beyond. Living with children growing into teenagers I have regular opportunities to reassure them that I am proud of them. When they are troubled or confused about who they are and think themselves awkward and odd compared to others, I enjoy being able to tell them they are great individuals and it is normal to feel different at this stage in life.
I get excited at the growing and greater abilities in their thinking as we share in conversation.
I find it amazing to see the shift from doing things because of duty, to doing them by choice - all because they are maturing.
I am moved when I receive a text from one of my kids apologizing for their rudeness that morning.
I feel loved when at the end of the night they find me to give me a 'Good night' hug and kiss, then ask how I am.
I am thankful for each of my children and love discovering more about who they are through these years of growing up ~ they give me great happiness."
From CATHY.

WHAT DO YOU ENJOY ABOUT BEING A MUM NOW ALL YOUR CHILDREN HAVE LEFT HOME?
"My greatest pleasure in life was finally carrying a pregnancy to full term as I struggled to carry past three months. My pleasure in holding my children, Jason and Tracy in my arms, can not be equalled. Now my life is full of grandchildren, all a great distance away which saddens me, but writing letters and postcards and facebook, keeps me in touch.
Too go through life without children would have been unbearable. They caused me tears at times as they do, but caused me a lot of laughs, fun and excitement. Being a Mum was my career and enjoyment. Love to my children."
From EVE.

WHAT DO YOU ENJOY ABOUT BEING A MUM AT THIS STAGE IN YOUR LIFE?
"This Mothers Day my four children are in different countries ~ one in Africa, one in Australia, one in America and one in New Zealand. My 18 grandchildren are in Australia, Indonesia, India the UK and New Zealand, and my 11 great grandchildren are with their parents. All of them care for me, I know they really have a strong feeling of affection for me and are interested deeply in me. This gives me true joy. They love me and I love each of them."
From DOROTHY who is 88 years old.

All mums move on to the phases ahead, and it happens faster than we realize, so ~
THISWEEKWITHTHEKIDS - make the most of 'where' you are right now.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cathy.